“What I don’t get is what this has to do with you.”
“I can empathize with her. You see, my ex-husband came up in the foster care system. He had lived in five different homes by the time he was fourteen. His foster parents weren’t always nice to him, and there were other foster kids living in the homes who were seriously mentally disturbed. The experience put a dark cloud over his entire childhood, and it made it very important to him to have a family of his own, blood relations.”
He looked at her carefully, and she could practically see the wheels of his mind trying to put it all together. “Didn’t you want to have children, Ava?”
“It’s not that I didn’t want to…I wasn’t able to.” She looked at him defiantly. “I’ll never forget the look on his face when the doctor gave us the news, not even if I live to be a hundred.”
Hilton looked incredulous. “Is that why you got divorced?”
“Yes. There really wasn’t any other choice. I wasn’t able to give him what he wanted most, and that was that.”
“And he let you get away? He was a fool.”
She merely looked at him, surprised at the force in his voice, as well as the defiant set to his jaw.
“I mean it, Ava. It doesn’t take blood relationships to make a family. Look at you, me and Marcus. There’s no connection whatsoever by marriage or blood between any of us, but haven’t you felt that we could be a family when we’re having dinner together or when we’re out together?”
She spoke softly, not trusting her voice. “Yes, I have.”
“So have I.” He looked at her sharply. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner? Did you actually believe it might make a difference to me?”
“Of course I did. Are you forgetting that you said you didn’t want Maxwell to be an only child?”
“Yeah, I said that.” His gaze focused down briefly for returning to meet hers. “I also said some other things that, given what I know now, were rather insensitive. I’m sorry.”
“I know they were innocent comments,” she murmured. “That’s just the way we’re trained to think. Reproducing is a natural function…for most people.”
“Well, allow me to set the record straight. I’d like my son to have siblings, yes. But that doesn’t mean it has to be gone about the traditional way. If I should settle down with a woman who’s unable to conceive we would adopt. No way would I let the woman I loved get away from me for such an asinine reason. And I hate the thought of you agonizing over this because of the things I said. If I’d known I never would have said them.”
He looked distraught, but Ava barely noticed. The subject matter transported her to a painful place in her psyche. “You don’t know,” she repeated, her voice trembling with emotion. “Ever since that time…I can’t bear the thought of seeing that look again…whenever I hear a man say he wants to have kids someday I just—” she paused and tried to talk again. “Even my own mother—” Her pain became unbearable, and without warning the dam behind which she’d been holding her frustration and hurt for so long finally burst, and she broke down in powerful sobs that shook her entire body. Her palms covered her face as all her hopelessness came out in a torrent of tears.
Chapter 13
Ava opened her eyes and blinked in the darkness. She soon realized she was lying in her own bed. The red numbers of the digital alarm clock read 1:10 a.m. She sat up and immediately noticed that she was fully clothed. That was odd. She didn’t even remember coming up to bed. All she remembered was breaking down and coming apart emotionally—good heavens, and right in front of Hilton!
She told herself it didn’t matter. Hilton was gone. She’d come clean about herself, and in spite of his being indignant at her thinking it would make a difference, it hadn’t stopped him from leaving her house…and probably her life.
Ava shut her eyes, trying to keep her tears from falling. Hadn’t she known all along this would happen? Her time with him would have to go down as a pleasant memory…if it ever stopped hurting.
She felt uncomfortably warm and unbuttoned her blouse. Her chest felt damp with perspiration. She didn’t care how late it was, she was going to take a shower.
After she dried off she put on a white nylon nightgown imprinted with a pastel floral design and diagonal panels of thin lace at intervals across the front. Listlessly she lightly brushed her hair back and slipped on a sleep headband.
As she turned out the bathroom light and was about to cross the hall to her bedroom, she noticed a flash of light from downstairs. She realized she must have left the television on. Barefoot, she descended the stairs, the wood surface cool against the soles of her feet.
She could hear the television playing and shook her head at her own forgetfulness. The moment she got to the bottom landing a male voice said, “Hey. You’re up, I see.”
Ava squealed with fright and rushed to the window, where she used the drapes to cover herself.
A large frame she quickly realized was Hilton emerged from a supine position on the couch. “It’s all right, Ava. It’s only me.”
“Hilton!” she exclaimed between heavy breaths, her palm covering her thudding heart. “You nearly scared the life out of me.” She shook her head. “I don’t understand. When did you come back, and how did you get in?”
“I never left, even though you suggested I should. I wanted to make sure you were all right.”
Ava frowned. She had suggested he leave? “I don’t remember.”
He stood up and walked toward her. “Let’s see. You were very upset, and I took you in my arms and tried to comfort you. Imagine my surprise when you said, ‘I think you should leave.’ I told you I didn’t think you should be alone right now, at which point you said something most unladylike and tried to slug me. I’m surprised you didn’t throw a lamp at me.”
“I did that?”
“You sure did. I managed to calm you down, then brought you upstairs. You fell asleep in about two minutes.”
As Ava concentrated, a vague memory slowly came into focus. Hilton had picked her up and carried her up the stairs, then laid her on her bed. She remembered him sitting in the side chair and watching her.
Then she recalled how she had insisted he leave and suddenly felt ashamed. “I’m real sorry about what I said, Hilton. I was just mad at myself for losing it in front of you. I’ve never let anyone witness—”
“Yeah, when you told me you didn’t want me here I kind of figured that out.” He smiled at her lazily, then pointed with his chin at the drapery. “You gonna hide behind that thing all night?”
“I didn’t know you were here, or else I would have put on a robe. I really do appreciate your help, Hilton, but as you can see I’m fine, so…”
He feigned indignation. “You’re throwing me out again? For the second time in a night?”
Ava rose up and down on the balls of her bare feet in an attempt to keep warm. “Please, Hilton. I’m not dressed and it’s cold in this spot. I’m right by the window.”
He took a step closer and looked at her with heavy-lidded eyes. “Well, I’m not leaving. But I certainly wouldn’t want you to catch cold, so I suggest you come out from behind there. “
He held out his hand, and she tentatively took it and stepped out from behind the curtain.
“Why are you being so difficult?” she sullenly asked.
He openly assessed her in her nightgown. “Wow,” he breathed.
She quickly realized her nipples were visible through the lacy vertical panels and pulled her hand away from his to cross her arms in front of her chest. “Answer my question, Hilton.”
“You really have no idea, do you?”
“No. If you’re going to go, then go. Don’t drag it out and make it more painful than it has to be.” She noticed that his eyes remained on her figure in the nightgown and feared that in the light even the nylon of the gown was sheer. “And stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” he said with a lazy grin she found infuriating.
“Why not? It’s a natural desire. I happen to be in love with you, Ava, even though at the moment you’re making me wonder why.”
Stunned, she swallowed hard. In love with her? “Don’t you dare play with me, Hilton White.”
He pulled her to him and raised her chin. “Seriously. You must have the most depressed outlook of any woman I’ve ever known. After everything that’s been said tonight, do you honestly believe I’d toy with your emotions…lead you on?” His expression was a curious mix of bewilderment and anger.
“I don’t know what to believe,” she confessed, shaking her head.
“Believe this.” His head descended, Ava’s arms moved from being crossed over her chest to clutching at his shoulder and then reaching around his neck as she assumed the familiar posture of standing on tiptoe.
“You’re making a believer out of me,” she said softly when their lips broke apart.
“I know it’s soon, but I do love you, Ava.” His lips brushed against the soft skin of her bare shoulders while she held him tightly, her head resting against his broad chest. “And I want, more than anything, to make love to you.” He pressed his cheek against hers and held her close to him as he whispered her name. “How can I tell you how much I need you?”
His words, spoken with such heartfelt honesty, melted the last of her reserve. She would not deny herself, for she, too, needed him. “Yes,” she whispered, her eyes closed in breathless anticipation.
She felt him release her and opened her eyes to find him again looking downward at the snug-fitting nightgown. After looking into her eyes for a long moment, Hilton reached out with both hands and pushed the lace-trimmed straps of her gown off her shoulders, then peeled the bodice away until it caught at her waist, held in place by the curve of her hips. Her exposed nipples hardened in a combination of cold and arousal. He stared at her like she was the Venus de Milo or some other great work of art, and she closed her eyes, still feeling the heat of his heated gaze and aware of the quickened pace of her breathing.
Ava felt as if she were floating through a dream as Hilton scooped her up and carried her upstairs. She covered his neck with kisses, noting that he smelled of a pleasant mixture of soap and cologne. She no longer felt the least bit chilly, even though she was literally half naked. Instead there was a delicious warmth at her core. Hilton loved her. Her flaw didn’t matter to him.
She’d never experienced such serene happiness.
But this was no time for serenity. Ava had always known she had a passionate nature, but it had been a very long time since her heart had been involved as well as her body. Making love to Hilton was going to be very, very special.
Gently he eased her down on the middle of the bed, then moved to lie beside her, kissing her with a remarkable blend of calm and urgency while his large hands covered her breasts.
He lowered his head, and his tongue caressed her sensitive swollen nipples, causing her breasts to surge at the intimacy of the act.
Then he abruptly sat up and pulled his long-sleeved mock turtleneck over his head, bringing his T-shirt with it, revealing a broad chest with a smattering of tightly coiled hair at its center. He sat on the edge of the bed, his back to her, while he bent to remove everything he wore from the waist down and to apply protection. Ava took the opportunity of his distraction to draw up her legs, raise her hips and pull her nightgown over her head, taking her protective head wrap off with it.
Hilton turned to face her and stopped in his tracks at the sight of her nude body bathed only in the light from the moon.
He knelt beside her on the bed, his eyes drinking in her perfect form. He looked so tall that Ava raised up on her elbows, inadvertently moving closer to the proof of his desire for her that jutted out just inches from her face. He was magnificent, and she couldn’t take her eyes off him.
“I knew you’d be beautiful,” he said reverently. Ava threw her head back when he ran a palm over her body from her collarbone to the juncture between her thighs, and when his fingers sought entry inside she parted her thighs for him, not realizing how wet she with wanting she had become until his fingers parted the delicate folds and slipped inside. She squealed and in a reflex action raised her opposite leg, bending it slightly at the knee, and her toes bent backward.
He laid beside her, and as they kissed one of his hands cupped her throat, his fingertips leisurely caressing her jaw, while his other gently fingered her feminine core. The delicious sensation made her moan into his mouth.
Hilton nibbled at her throat. “That’s it. Don’t hold back, sweetheart. We’ll just start all over. Remember, we’ve got all night.”
A rush of ragged, uneven breathing was her only response.
“I want to please you and pleasure you,” he whispered.
Ava made no attempt to disguise the moans of surrender escaping from her throat. “Don’t let me be dreaming,” she said breathlessly when their lips parted.
“This is no dream,” he murmured. His mouth took hers again, then he whispered, “Are you ready?” as he moved his upper body above hers, a hand reaching out to stroke the firm underside of her raised thigh.
She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Oh, yes.”
He playfully wiggled his finger inside her. “Yes, you are.”
Ava felt herself blushing, but she reached out for his sheepskin-sheathed erection. “So are you,” she said, simultaneously smiling at and in awe of his powerful muscle.
Hilton knelt before her and with maddening slowness, positioned her legs over his shoulders, taking time to run his hands over their smooth length. He lowered his hands to slip them under her buttocks and slid her down on the mattress closer to his groin.
She cried out as he slowly slid his thick, hard length inside her, her back arching and her hands frantically clutching at his strong thighs. “So…deep,” she managed to say.
“That’s right, sweetheart. I want to give you all I’ve got…and I want to take all you’ve got.”
They held each other tightly as they expressed their raw desire for each other, in thrusting movements, intimate sex talk, and in lusty but low-pitched cries and moans. Their pace increased as their passion rose. Sweat rolled off Hilton’s chest. He was determined to bring her to the edge before he experienced his own climax, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold back. Ava’s pleasured cries and her moist cave enclosing him like quicksand were fast making him approach the crest.
In desperation he sought her center of her femininity and teased it with his middle finger as they thrust at each other. That proved to be her undoing, and when he felt her body buck against him furiously he finally let himself go. Their passion culminated in an explosion as exquisite as it was pure.
He collapsed on the bed and pulled her to him. They held each other tightly in contented silence.
Ava was the first to speak. “I wish I could tell you how happy you’ve made me. And I’m not just talking about sex.”
“I know. And as much as it pains me to think of you being afraid to tell the men you’ve known that you aren’t able to have children, I’m awfully glad you didn’t tell anyone before me. Otherwise some other man might have snapped you up.”
She snuggled closer to him, too happy to speak. He spoke of her as if she was a prize. She had never thought of herself as anything but flawed, a woman unable to participate in the natural cycle of existence, someone who had no hope of partaking in life’s most precious gift…and who was painfully reminded of it nearly every day of her life.
“So tell me, what made you infertile?”
She sighed. “Both of my fallopian tubes are scarred. I’ve always been prone to what’s generally known as ‘female trouble.’ Years ago I had a minor outpatient procedure called a D&C because I had bleeding that wouldn’t stop. I always felt that was where the scarring came from. Believe me, I thought of suing the doctor, bu
t he conveniently dropped dead of a heart attack a few months later.”
“Have you thought of trying other methods to conceive?”
“I discussed it with a doctor when I was married, but I wasn’t impressed. He explained that the success rate would be low for me because of the condition of my tubes. It cost a fortune and wasn’t covered by my insurance. I couldn’t see going into debt to the tune of thirty or forty thousand dollars with no guaranteed results. And to be honest, I didn’t like the idea. It all sounded so unnatural, so scientific. Besides, I consulted a fertility specialist as a last resort. I pretty much knew from the look on my ex-husband’s face that the best thing to do was divorce him and let him find someone who could give him what he wanted more than anything.”
“The divorce was your idea?”
“Yes. He resisted, but I think in his heart he knew it was the right decision. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me that day, like I wasn’t his wife, but a stranger who was standing in the way of his attaining his dream I can’t explain it, Hilton, but it’s the type of memory that stays with you always.” She shuddered as she recalled that dark day, then smiled as she felt Hilton’s arm tighten protectively around her.
“Anyway, I went in the hospital and had my fibroids removed, like the fertility specialist recommended. We stayed together through that, but I knew it was over. A few weeks later, after I recovered, I moved out. Two months after that I filed for divorce.”
“Did he come after you, at least? Try to get you back?”
“No.” It came out as a broken whisper.
A Love of Her Own Page 16
