by Maya Hughes
“Have you seen her?”
“No, I haven’t. But you’re more than welcome to hang out in my room and wait for her if you’d like.” She bit her bottom lip. On Mak I always loved that. The way she’d nibble her lips when she was nervous or when she was working her way through our sex list, trying to figure out which number she wanted to tackle next. Like it needed serious consideration to get the best results.
But on Angel it looked exactly as it was. A bad attempt to draw my attention to her mouth, and she probably hoped that would get me thinking of other things. Well, it was. It got me thinking of how much her lips weren’t like Mak’s and how I didn’t want anything to do with her.
I’d backed up so much that when the door on the other side of Mak’s study room opened, I was right there when the guy rushed out. Seth.
“Hey, Seth, have you seen Mak?”
He glanced between me and Angel, and I prayed he wasn’t thinking anything was going on. That was the last thing I needed.
“No, I haven’t. She hasn’t been here too much over the past few weeks.” I couldn’t tell if that was a dig or not.
“If you could let me know if you see her, I’d really appreciate it. We have a final project we need to get finished, and I know she’s probably freaking out over it.” A little white lie, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Seth’s eyebrows knit together as he stared at me like he was trying to burn a hole through me. Maybe it was that I kept inching a little bit away every time Angel advanced toward me.
“Sure.” He held out his phone, and I put my number in, glad I didn’t have to say it out loud.
“I can call you too,” Angel volunteered a little too loudly, and a few heads turned our way.
“I think we’re good.” I handed the phone back to Seth. “Thanks, man.”
“No problem.”
I left the library with the sinking pit still firmly in place in my stomach. A week was the longest I’d gone without talking to Mak since we were paired up in class together. Initially it had annoyed the crap out of me that she’d check in almost every day with an email or text asking about my progress on our papers like I was a kindergartener who couldn’t be trusted with a pair of sharp scissors.
Now I’d do a backflip in the middle of the frost-covered quad for a check-in message. I’d told myself I’d give her some time to sort things out and then I’d make my move, but I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out. I wanted to find out where she lived and go there.
It wasn’t that far from campus, close to our high school. That wouldn’t be completely insane, right? Riding up and down the streets of our Philly suburb shouting out the window, asking if anyone knew Makenna Halstead. Because my girl had left me behind, but I needed her. I needed to hear her voice and feel her touch. Any longer without her and I might lose my mind.
29
Makenna
My hands trembled as I reached for the knob to the front door. After speaking with my dean, I’d finally gotten confirmation that they wouldn’t be able to accept me into the joint BA/MD program. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and I’d gotten the last appointment before everyone left campus for the holiday.
Breaking down in sobs in my car, the tears pouring down my face, threatening to choke me. It seemed like I was doing a lot of that lately. Now I had to face my parents. I’d put off their questions about why I was there and not at school, chalking it up to missing them after them being away for nearly three months. It was partially true, but it was because I hadn’t wanted to face Declan.
Showing up to campus just before my classes and driving home after each wasn’t ideal, but I’d made it work. The one saving grace was that after the final paper Sophomore Seminar didn’t meet anymore. My abandoned study room only had the barest bones’ books in there that I didn’t need until after the break. With classes winding down and a lot of people leaving for the break, the shifts at Threes had been light, so I hadn’t been in to work since the night before the game.
Seth and Angel informed me the couple times I’d stopped by to grab something that Declan had in fact been hanging around a lot. I made sure to go only when I knew he had practice or he was out of town for a game.
Nothing made sense anymore. My life’s plan was a mess, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t even know if I wanted to. With a weariness I hadn’t realized settled so heavy on me, I took my key out of the lock and turned around, sitting on the front steps. My breath came out in small white puffs in front of my face.
Wrapping my arms around my legs, I rested my head on my knees. Tilting my head to the side, I stared at the small drawings on the column beside the steps. The old crudely drawn representation of our front yard jumped out at me. It was a pain so deep and biting I sucked in a sharp breath. Tracing my fingers over the badly drawn pictures of our family that my parents had painted over with clear gloss to preserve, I squeezed myself tighter and tried to breathe through the ache.
The warm spot on my leg where my breath seeped into the fabric was quickly replaced by the sharp, freezing temperatures. Each breath was a warm shot to the spot that was quickly eclipsed by the stinging cold. It was like my life. Every time I felt like I was walking into the sun, maybe getting a small taste of normalcy, it was like someone set me in a slingshot to send me right back into the freezing rain. The memories of the sun faded, and it was like they had never existed.
Declan sent messages almost daily now. They ran the gamut from apologies to rational statements about being happy to anger that I wasn’t responding. I couldn’t respond. I was seconds away from cracking. Of shattering into a million pieces and ceasing to exist. I couldn’t face him. I didn’t want to face anyone.
A blast of warm air hit my back as the front door opened, and I wiped away the tears on my face and the ones that dripped down into my jeans.
“I thought I heard you out here.” Dad stepped out of the front door. Already his movements were less smooth than they had been before. The meds laid out across the kitchen counter were the first step to keeping him at home as long as we could, but he and Mom had already made the arrangements for things once he couldn’t stay anymore.
“Sorry. I was just coming in.” I unfolded myself, pushing against brick steps to stand. His warm fingers dropped around my shoulder, and he held me still. Taking his time, he lowered himself down beside me. He smelled like shaving cream and freshly cut grass even though he hadn’t mowed the lawn in months.
“It’s okay. Why don’t we sit out here for a little?” He stared out in front of him at the leafless trees lining the front of the house. “I know this has all been hard on you.”
“I’m fine, really—”
“What are you two doing out here? Come inside.” Mom stood in the doorway, concern heavy in her voice. Dad glanced over at me and let out a deep sigh before nodding toward the open door. I got up, and Mom and I helped Dad stand before we all went inside. Climbing the stairs to my room, I glanced back down at them.
Mom and Dad sat in the living room holding hands. I tried not to think about how I’d let them down. How I’d let everyone down.
Finishing my work at my desk, I slammed my book closed. Everything was taking me so much longer than it should. I couldn’t focus. Rereading a passage or an equation three times was the norm for me since I’d left campus.
Smells of allspice, onion, and honey drifted upstairs. Lured by the promise of food for my rumbling stomach, I left my den of solitude and padded my way downstairs. My feet sank into the carpet runner on the steps.
In the kitchen, the two of them were in deep discussion. Huddled together with their arms draped over each other’s shoulders, Mom and Dad watched the pots on the stove. Mundane things like that seemed to take on a whole different color to them these days. Not wanting to break up their moment, I stepped back, ready to stop my hunger pangs with an energy bar or something from my room when Mom’s head popped up.
“Hey, sweetie. Where are you going? Come sit down.�
��
“It’s okay. I was going to get some water, but I’m okay now.”
“Makenna, come sit.” She patted the seat beside her, and I slowly made my way across the floor to the chair. Worry churned my stomach as I sat down. They’d given me my space since I got home, but from the looks on their faces that space was about to end.
“Are you ready to tell us?” Mom squeezed my shoulder.
“I’m fine.” I put a smile on my face and gently rested my hands on the table.
“We’re your parents.” Dad glanced over at me with the knowing-dad look. “You’re not fine, but we can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s going on. Let us help.”
I saw it for what it was. After years of not being there for me, this was their chance. In some ways I wished they were back in their zombie days. Less observant. Less present so I wouldn’t have to hide. Taking a deep, shaky breath, I felt the tears prickling the backs of my eyes before I even spoke.
“I’m—” The sound caught in my throat. “I’m not going to make it into the joint MD program. I know I made you promises when I transferred that I’d be able to do it, and this means another year of school and another year of loans and with my grades I might not even make it in through the regular admissions process.” Everything poured out of my mouth like word vomit I couldn’t hold back. I slid my hands off the table into my lap, staring down at them.
“And I know you have so much to deal with right now, and I know I’m letting you down and myself down and Daniel down.” My voice broke on his name.
The chairs screeched against the floor as Mom and Dad got out of their seats. Their warm arms wrapped around me, and it broke me.
“I made a mistake. I messed up and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Like a torrential flood of emotions so strong they stole every bit of air I’d ever breathed, and I couldn’t catch my breath. Being wheeled down the long hallway in the hospital side by side with Daniel. Those bright fluorescent lights leading us into another surgery.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t save him.” The tears choked me as I was back in that gurney with Mom and Dad beside the two of us.
“You’re a perfect match, big sis. If there’s anyone who can do it, it’s you.” Daniel’s eyes were worried, but he grabbed on to my hand, and I squeezed his back. A perfect match.
I was the perfect match to be a bone marrow donor. Everyone was so relieved when they tested me. The searing pain from the biopsies and donation were worth it to give him what he needed. It was like I’d been put on the Earth to save him when he needed me most, and in the days and weeks after his surgery he got better. I’d make my way to the hospital every day after school with new sealed comics, coloring books, or anything else I could find to keep his boredom away.
Until the day it wasn’t better. Until the day I showed up on the floor, and Dad was holding Mom out in the hallway as she made a sound so terrible I slapped my hands to my ears to try and block it out. No one had called me. No one came to get me. No one told me, but I knew.
I’d stood frozen at the end of the hallway thinking maybe if I didn’t take those final steps, it wouldn’t be real. If I could push back on reality a little longer, maybe it wasn’t really happening, But it was. I’d failed him. It hadn’t been perfect. If it had been perfect, he would have still been there. If I’d been perfect, he would still be there. I wasn’t, and neither was he.
He died, and I lived. His dreams and his life were gone, and I was still there.
“It’s not your fault, Makenna. It’s not your fault.”
I hadn’t realized I’d said it all out loud until I heard her words against the side of my head.
Mom’s hot tears trailed down my face as she brushed her hand through my hair. Dad had his arms wrapped around the two of us. All three of us were a mess with tears. All my fears and emotions I’d kept pent up for so long had come pouring out of me without meaning to.
The choking sobs turned into pained hiccups in my chest as their words flowed over me, their arms wrapped around me and giving me the comfort I hadn’t gotten all those years ago. We’d all been destroyed for a while, but I’d put myself together faster than they had, at least on the outside.
“I know your mother and I haven’t done the best job when it came to making sure you were okay over the years. There were so many things we didn’t do right by you, Mak, but never, ever think for a second we have ever blamed you for anything that happened. Never.”
“I—”
He gave me a look and took a deep breath. I needed to let him get this out.
“When Daniel died, it was like we did too. It isn’t something anyone should ever have to go through. It’s the most horrible feeling in the world, and nothing makes sense anymore, but what we did to you… how we left you to shoulder the burden that should have been ours… I’ll never be more sorry, Mak.” He slid his hand into mine and squeezed it.
My blurry gaze never left his face. We didn’t have much time left. Soon all this would be memories, and he’d be gone too.
“You held us together. Carried us when that should never be the job of a child. Never.” Tears glittered in his eyes, and he lifted my hand, kissing the back of it. “I’m so sorry for that. And I’m sorry it had to take this diagnosis for us to realize how much we screwed up.”
“Dad, you didn’t.” I shook my head.
“We did.” He peered over at Mom. They stared into my eyes with their own filled with conviction and remorse.
“What’s worse is we made you think you had the power to fix any of it. The power and the responsibility to make things better that only someone can fix for themselves or sometimes no one can fix at all.” His hand shook as he squeezed mine tighter.
“What happened with Daniel was not your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Just like what’s happening to your father isn’t anyone’s fault.” My mom ran her hands over the side of my face.
“So, we had two choices when we found out. We could fall back into that place we’d only just climbed out of and die before we were dead and buried, or we could get out into the world and wring every last drop out of what time we had left together. None of us have much time, but having that reminder helped us remember how much there is to live for, including you.”
“We don’t want you living your life for anyone except for you. You can’t fix what happened to Daniel or make it make any sense by living your life for him or up to whatever standard you think we’re holding you to. All we want you to do is be happy. We want you to do something you love and be happy.” She squeezed me and another of round of tears threatened to drown me there at the table.
I’d made this life for myself in my mind where if I did everything I should, things would be okay. I had control over those things. The life I’d built made sense, and I could always get the right answer. Things were in order and fell in line where they were supposed to except for one place.
There was one time I’d let myself feel and not follow my plan. Declan. He was the monkey wrench in the order of my life. Derailed everything I’d known for sure and who I wanted to be. When I was with him, it was the only time I felt like the real version of me. The one that wasn’t afraid of never measuring up.
We sat in the kitchen for a long time talking through tears, tea, and turkey. By nightfall we were all exhausted, emotionally and physically. After being shooed out of the kitchen by Mom and Dad, I dragged myself upstairs into my room.
Turning on the light, I grabbed my phone out of my bag and turned it on for the first time in days. Even more messages rolled in than before, and I sat on the floor with my back against my bed and scrolled through each one.
I didn’t know what to do about Declan. I loved him. I tested those words out in my head before I said them out loud. It was so unexpected. I hadn’t planned on him at all, but sometimes life had a way of interfering with the best laid plans.
30
Declan
Her text came in when I was on my way back to campus
the day after Thanksgiving. No break for us; we had a game to play.
Mak: Can I see you?
The car rumbled through the narrow streets to my house. I was glad Mom was driving or I’d have had to pull the car over to the side of the road. My hands shook as I tapped out my reply.
Me: Yes. When?
Mak: Soon. Are you on campus?
It was like she was a frightened bunny I’d managed to coax into my lair, and I didn’t want to rush in too quickly and scare her off. I was afraid to say more. Between away games and classes, Mak had managed to evade me for almost a full two weeks. That little bit of pride I’d talked about having? Yeah, that went away after day three.
I had called and texted her, but no response. Over the last few days I’d stopped. I figured giving her some space was probably the best thing to do. Plus, each unanswered text was like another little slice to my heart. My trip to Alcott had been a bust. He couldn’t understand why I cared that we were getting less than an A. Made a snide remark about Makenna rubbing off on me and her high-strung tendencies must have been contagious. Asshole.
It meant something to her, so it meant something to me, which made it worse that I’d fucked it up for her. I said bye to my mom as she drove off to yet another job. Only a few more months and that would be all over for her. She wanted me to get this degree, but once I did and I started playing, all bets were off. I’d drag her out of those shifts if I had to.
Dumping my laundry from home on the couch, I joined Heath in the kitchen. Giant foil-wrapped containers covered the counters.
He glanced up, his hair partially covering his eyes.
“My mom might have gone a bit overboard.” He opened the fridge already half-full of trays. My mouth hung open.
“Man, I love your mom.” I peeled back the foil on one of the still-warm trays, and my mouth watered. Onion, parsley, sage, rosemary mixed in with some awesome-looking bread. It smelled like the stuffing of the gods.
