by Natalie Ward
Before I left, I stood beside the bed for a minute, just watching him sleep, confused and trying to decide if I was doing the right thing. I wanted to stay but I knew I needed to go. So quickly, without even thinking about it, I leaned down and pressed a soft kiss against his warm cheek, breathing in the scent of him in the hopes that I could remember it forever. Then, without looking back, I’d quietly walked out of his room, shutting the door on that moment and what I knew was happening between us, forever.
Or so I’d thought.
Eventually the door to Jared’s room re-opens and he walks in, a towel wrapped around his waist and water still dripping off his body. As if the memory of our first night isn’t painful enough, now I’m faced with this? I have to twist my hands together in my lap just to stop myself from reaching out and pulling that towel off him.
Jared isn’t looking at me as he wanders around his room, flicking on some music and acting like I’m not here. He picks up his phone and scrolls through, no doubt pretending to check his messages. I wonder if he’s looking for one to get him out of here, an excuse to walk out and leave me behind, even if it is nearly one in the morning. He is so angry and tense, I can actually feel it radiating off him from across the room.
But he quickly throws his phone on the dresser and I watch as he walks towards the bed, his eyes still defiantly avoiding mine as he sits on the edge and lies down on his back to dry himself against the duvet. I can’t help but laugh a little, knowing he used to drive me nuts every time he did this, especially when I was still in bed.
He finally looks at me when he hears me and I freeze, the smile staying on my face.
“What?” he asks, but the edge is gone from his voice now.
I keep smiling at him, willing him to smile back at me. “Nothing, old habits die hard is all. Just made me laugh, seeing you do that again.”
He finally smiles at me, but it’s a half smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I remember it used to drive you crazy when I did it.”
“Yeah,” I say quietly. “But in a good way, Jared.”
His smile disappears again and I exhale loudly, dropping my head as memories of our time together flash through my head like a movie on fast forward. Back when we first got together, he acted like he wanted me more than anything else in the world. He couldn’t keep his hands off me and he made me feel like I was his whole world. For so long, even when we were apart, it was just us, all over each other, all the time. And it was so damn good.
Then I went and threw it all away. He was my best friend, my whole world, the love of my life, and I pushed him away. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to go back to being Jared’s everything and having him be mine. I want the two of us to be together again. I just don’t know if that’s what he wants anymore.
“What do you want Mia?” Jared asks, tiredness and frustration in his voice now as he reads my mind.
I lift my head; meet his piercing blue eyes, eyes that captivated me from the moment I first looked into them. “I want to talk to you Jared. I want to sort this,” I gesture between us as I swallow and try to make my voice work. “I want to sort this out,” I repeat.
I watch him blink; see the slightest flicker of surprise on his face at my words. “What, why?”
I take a deep breath, willing my voice to appear. “Because I want you back,” I say quietly.
Jared doesn’t say anything, just lets out a low noise that might be a whimper, might be a buried sob. I don’t know what it means, but I keep my eyes on his, refusing to look away as one emotion I do recognise, pain, flashes across his face.
We sit in silence, staring at each other. Jared’s chest is moving with hard, rapid breaths, mirroring what I can feel going on in my own lungs. My heart, which has been pounding in my chest from the moment I walked in here, is still racing and I can feel my hands shaking in my lap now. I have to sit on them, just to hide what’s going on with me and the whole time, I’m silently begging him to say something, anything, just to break the tension that’s formed now that I’ve finally admitted, out loud, what I want.
“Why,” he eventually says, his voice barely audible.
I don’t look away. I keep my eyes on his and I force myself to say the words I’ve held back for so long. The words I so cruelly didn’t say when all of this ended, when I made it end. When I threw it all away.
“Because I love you,” I finally say, holding my breath as I wait to hear his response.
“I love you Jared.”
Four and a half years ago – Jared
The knock sounds at the door and I’m practically running to answer it. I’m acting like a total fucking girl and I know it, but I can’t seem to stop myself. Grabbing the handle, I yank it open, smiling at the person standing on the other side.
“Hey you,” Mia says, a huge smile on her face.
“Hey yourself,” I answer back, standing aside so she can come in. I take her bag from her hand as she walks past and watch as she turns her head to look back at me, a smile on her face that makes my stomach flip.
“How was your flight?” I ask her.
“Ugh, long,” she answers, heading into the kitchen and opening the fridge, standing there with the door open as she looks inside for something to drink. It makes me stop in my tracks, watching her do this, just like the first time she was here. I kinda like that she feels so at home, that she feels like she can help herself whenever she wants and doesn’t have to ask anymore. Of course, there’s not a whole lot of anything in the fridge right now.
“Yeah, there’s not much in the way of food, sorry, I need to go to the store.”
“Luke at work?” she asks, turning to look over her shoulder at me.
I nod; smiling as I blatantly check out the woman I haven’t stopped thinking about for the last six months. We’ve spoken a bit, probably every week. It’s mostly via text message, occasionally talking when one of us braves it and calls the other. We’ve somehow fallen into an easy friendship, the drunken night we shared, long forgotten, or at least not talked about anymore.
Problem is though; I haven’t forgotten any of it. And I especially haven’t forgotten the way she looked, straddling my lap, grinding herself into me. Haven’t forgotten the way her body felt underneath my hands as I pulled her against me. Or the way my pillow smelled of her for days after the night she’d fallen asleep in my bed. She’d been gone by the time I woke up, but it hadn’t been awkward when we’d met over coffee the next morning. It was like our night under the stars, no matter how fake they were, had somehow cleared the air. And even though we’ve never talked about it again, I knew we had unintentionally come to a silent understanding that on our drunken night, Mia had made a mistake and I’d saved her from making it worse. Even if my version of events from that night was hugely different.
“Wanna go see him, maybe grab a bite to eat at the same time?” she asks.
I smile at her, even though she’s not looking at me, her head still stuck in the fridge. “Sure, you wanna take a shower or just go now?” I ask, still holding on to her bag.
“I’m good, let’s go now,” she answers, slamming the fridge door and spinning to face me.
For just a second, we stand there staring at each other. Mia is smiling at me and I am smiling back at her and there is a tiny part of me that can’t help but wonder if she is as glad to see me, as I am to see her. I wonder if she isn’t thinking about our night under the stars either, wishing we could go back there, wishing it could all be so different.
But then she tilts her head as if to indicate we should go and that feeling disappears.
“I’ll just throw this in the spare room,” I say, wishing it were my room I was putting it in. “Then we can go.”
We walk out on to the street, the late afternoon sun now slowly disappearing from the sky. The nights are still warm though and it’s nice enough that we can walk to the restaurant Luke’s working in most nights.
“So how’s Luke really doing these days?�
� Mia suddenly asks me. “He tells me he’s good, but is that the truth?”
I turn to look at her, but she is facing ahead, not looking at me. I can’t help but think how ironic her question is. Mia is the master of not answering questions or admitting her true feelings.
“Yeah, he’s good,” I answer. “A lot less angry than he used to be anyway. He’s been talking more about what happened, about stuff from when he was a kid you know, it’s been better. No progress on pressing charges though,” I say, still pissed he’s letting that fucker get away with it. “But he’s better. How are you doing?”
Mia looks up at me, gives me a quick smile, before turning back towards the sidewalk in front of us. “Good.”
I’m frustrated by her answer, but this time I decide not to push it. She’s only just arrived and I figure there will be plenty more opportunities over the weekend. “How’s school going?” I ask instead.
Her smile widens now. “Yeah really good actually. I’m thinking of transferring, now that I’ve built up more of a portfolio. Started applying to some places to see if I have any luck.”
“Oh yeah, where?” I ask, trying to sound casual, but deep down hoping it’s somewhere closer than LA. It would make Luke happy sure, but really I’m asking for entirely selfish reasons. I want her closer. I want to be able to see her more often. I want to take what happened between us last time and have a chance at exploring it further, when both of us are sober.
“RISD,” she says, smiling up at me now. For the briefest of seconds, Mia’s gaze holds mine and she looks at me like she’s trying to tell me something or wants me to understand something. But before I can work out what it is, it’s gone and she turns away.
“RISD?” I ask, confused.
“Rhode Island School of Design,” Mia answers without looking at me now.
I stop walking when her words register with my brain. “Seriously?” I ask.
Mia laughs as she keeps going, turning to face me, so she’s walking backwards and can’t see where she’s going. “Yes Jared, seriously. But I haven’t gotten in yet, so don’t get too excited.”
“But you mean like, Rhode Island School of Design, as in, the state of Rhode Island. The one just south of Massachusetts?” I ask, my voice sounding kinda desperate now.
“Yep, Providence, Rhode Island, Jared, the very one.” Mia answers, still laughing.
I smile back at her now as my heart starts hammering away in my chest. Half running, I catch up with her, slinging my arm around her shoulder and pulling her body against mine without even thinking about what this might imply or mean.
RISD.
That look she gave me when she said it. I’m not sure if I imagined it now or not. I want to believe it was real, that this RISD place is a very real possibility and it’s not just because of her brother that she’s trying for it. But I’m not gonna let myself get my hopes up. Things are good between us right now, as good as they’ve ever been, and I don’t want to fuck that up again.
So I don’t say anything else except, “You’ll get in,” because even though I can’t say what I’m really thinking, I’m refusing to acknowledge the possibility she won’t.
Thirty minutes later and we are standing outside the place where Luke works as a trainee chef. He’d only started here a month or so ago, not long after we got back from my folks’ house.
“This looks nice,” Mia says to me.
I smile down at her, dropping my arm from around her shoulders as I reach out to open the door for her. “It is,” I say, gesturing for her to head inside.
We are seated in the middle of the restaurant, but there is a window through to the kitchen and both of us can see Luke in there. Mia doesn’t sit down; instead she stands there waving at him, trying to catch his attention. Watching her do this makes my heart start to thump in my chest again. When Luke finally sees her and waves back, the look on Mia’s face almost makes it stop completely. What I wouldn’t give to have her look at me like that, to have her that excited to see me.
Mia eventually sits down and our orders are taken. She orders one of the chef’s recommendations, even though I try to tell her it isn’t something that Luke has come up with. Laughing, she tells me she doesn’t care, that she’s sure he had some say in it. I don’t want to ruin her illusion, so I let it go, ordering the same thing.
“So Rhode Island huh?” I eventually say, unable to keep my curiosity at bay any longer. I want to know more, I want to know how possible it really is. But more than anything, I want to know why.
“Yes, one of the options anyway,” Mia answers; taking a sip of the beer she managed to score with what I now know is her fake ID.
I swallow. “What are some of the others?”
She smiles at me now, rearranging her cutlery a little. “Stay in California or Chicago.”
I feel my hand tightly grip my beer. I don’t want it to be either of those other options, because they are too far away from Boston. Even Providence is too far away and it’s only an hour on the train.
“What’s your preference,” I finally ask, trying to sound casual, as though none of this really matters to me. It’s almost laughable how full of shit I am.
Mia takes another sip of her drink. Her eyes are shining, almost smiling at me, as though she knows what I’m thinking, knows which one I want it to be, but she’s going to make me wait before she gives me the answer. Finally she puts her drink down on the table, wipes her lips with the back of her hand, looks me dead in the eye and says, “RISD.”
And right then, I don’t just hope, I actually start to believe that maybe being closer to her brother isn’t the only reason she wants to go there.
By the time we finish our meal, Luke has come out and said hi and sent us a free dessert. He’s working until midnight, so it’s just Mia and me for the rest of the night. I have to remind myself to try and not act like a total fucking idiot because I’m so happy about that.
“Ready to go?” I ask her, taking some cash from my wallet and leaving it on the table.
“Here, take this,” Mia says, trying to push some money into my hand.
I hold my hands up, refusing. “I got it Mia, it’s cool,” I say. “Home or somewhere else?”
“Do you mind if we head home?” she asks. “I’m kinda tired from the long day.”
“Not at all,” I say smiling as we stand up and walk out. We both wave to Luke as we pass by the kitchen window, before we head out onto the street to walk home.
We spend the trip in silence, but it’s not uncomfortable or awkward. Mia quietly hums to herself for most of the way and it makes me smile to hear her. She seems happy, genuinely happy this time, and it’s a nice change from the fake happiness she stubbornly wore last time she was here. I hope she’s actually talked to someone, a friend or something, about what’s happened. God knows I tried to do it last time, and that was a complete fucking disaster. I’d like to talk to her again, but I’m scared of opening up that line of conversation in case it brings back memories of drunken kisses and me turning her down. Right now, things feel good between us. That awkwardness is gone and we are talking easily.
But when I let her into the apartment, I’m suddenly feeling nervous, unsure about what’s going to happen next, now that we are back here, alone.
“You going to bed?” she asks me.
I stop, my hand still on the front door. “Nah, probably watch some TV or something,” I say.
Mia smiles at me now. “Want to watch a movie or maybe play some Xbox?”
I smile back at her, trying to keep my face relaxed, not let on that I’m glad she’s not interested in going to bed either. “Sure, you pick, I’ll get us some beers.”
I walk quickly into the kitchen before she changes her mind. I thought she was tired, that she’d go straight to bed when we got back. Now she’s staying up and I’m also getting beers, which given what happened the last time she was here, is possibly a dumb move on my part. But I do it anyway, because this time around, it’s me w
ho needs one.
When I walk back out, Mia is crouched on the floor, flicking through our movie collection. “Thought I’d give you a break,” she says as I hand her a beer.
“What?”
She smiles, biting her bottom in lip in a way that is so fucking sexy it makes me want to grab her and pull her into my arms so I can kiss her.
“You know, a break from me kicking your ass at Halo or Guitar Hero or any other game you might chose to play against me.”
Cheeky little smart ass, I think to myself, the smile an involuntary response to her teasing. “Is that right, Mia?” I say out loud.
Her grin gets wider now and I have to move away, sit on the couch so I don’t just crouch down beside her and kiss the hell out of her. She looks so damn sexy right now and I bet she has absolutely no idea.
“Yep, it is right, and what’s more…” she continues, “…is that you know it’s right too.”
I’m shaking my head, laughing now as I take a sip of my beer. “Well, whatever you want to tell yourself Mia. Just know, I’m up for the challenge anytime, anywhere.”
Mia picks a movie and slides it into the player. As she throws the case to Fast and the Furious on the coffee table, she walks over and sits beside me on the couch. Turning so she’s looking right at me, she says, “Good. I’ll remember that.”
And right then, something inside me flips at the words that come out of her mouth. Because somehow, I don’t think we’re just talking about an Xbox challenge anymore. It’s like my promise, and her words of acknowledgement, might apply to a whole heap of scenarios. But all I do is smile, force myself to take another sip of beer before turning towards the screen and watching the movie.
