by Natalie Ward
And just like that, the whole room, the bar, the band, everything, disappears. I can no longer hear the music or the noise of the people around us. Instead, the only thing I can feel is Mia’s body pressed against mine, just like I wanted it. The only thing I can hear are her sexy moans. Her soft lips are on mine and her tongue slips into my mouth, tempting me. I deepen the kiss, pulling her tighter against me now. She’s not drunk and I’m not drunk and I’m not questioning anything this time, I’m just letting whatever happens, happen.
Mia’s arms unwind themselves from my neck, her hands dropping to my waist before sliding up under my t-shirt and resting against my skin. I hear the groan that falls from my mouth in response. The feel of her hands on my body is like nothing else in this world and all I want to do is stay right here, in this moment, kissing her.
“Twelve bucks.”
I hear the words, but I don’t stop.
“Hey buddy, that’ll be twelve bucks.”
Mia pulls away from me and I can see her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are shining. Without taking my eyes off her, I pull my hand from her hip and stick it in my pocket, grab the first cash I can find and hand it to the bartender.
I should say something to her, something funny, something that won’t have her running away, but I can’t think of a single fucking word that would seem right. So I stand here, my hand still pressed against the back of her neck, both of hers resting in the front pockets of my jeans now, and just stare at her.
“Here’s your change,” the bartender yells, slapping the money down on the bar and breaking the moment.
I automatically turn to thank him and grab Mia’s beer, reluctantly handing it to her as she pulls her hands away from the front of my jeans, leaving me feeling empty.
“Should we head back?” she asks me, taking a sip of her drink, my hand now falling away from her neck.
I watch as the liquid runs from the bottle into her mouth, her throat as she swallows it. I want to lean in and kiss her again, see what that beer tastes like on her lips. I’m just about to say fuck it and do exactly that, when I feel someone slap me on the shoulder. Turning, I see Luke as he stands in front of both of us. I immediately freeze, wondering just how much he saw. I glance quickly at Mia and see that she’s thinking the same thing. Neither of us says anything.
“I managed to get off early, so thought I’d come down,” Luke says, leaning over to pick up Ben’s beer. “You having fun?” he asks, turning to Mia.
Mia flicks a quick glance in my direction again before turning back to her brother. “Yeah, I am,” she says. “A lot of fun.”
My heart pounds at her words and I watch as Luke wraps his arm around her shoulder. “Should we go find Ben?” he asks me.
I nod and the three of us head back into the crowd of people, Mia now with Luke, and me following behind them, wondering now if that kiss really did happen or if it was only in my imagination.
Today, 1:09am – Mia
“Will you please let me explain it all to you?”
The words hang between us.
“Yes,” Jared finally answers and I exhale a sigh of relief.
I watch as he reaches over and takes a sip of water, before turning back to face me, not saying anything. I’m hoping he asks me to crawl under the duvet with him like that first time, as though it could all be that easy, but he doesn’t. I’m dressed in sweat pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt this time and even though it’s the middle of winter, I’m not too cold.
I take a deep breath, knowing it’s now or never.
“Jared, you have to know,” I begin. “I never, ever meant to hurt you. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do to you.”
Jared says nothing, just looks at me with a blank expression on his face.
“I loved you, I still do, and that has never changed. But back then, I was stupid and I was scared. I thought I was doing the right thing, thought I knew what was best, but I realise now, it was actually the dumbest thing I could’ve done.” I take another deep breath, look down at my hands, which are twisting around themselves in my lap again. “So more than anything, I want to tell you how truly sorry I am,” I continue, looking up at him now. “For everything.”
The room sinks into silence as we both sit here, watching each other. I’m silently pleading with him to say something, anything, just to acknowledge he has even heard me.
Jared lets out a heavy breath, running his hand through his still wet hair. “You weren’t the only one who did some stupid things, Mia,” he finally says. “I know I owe you an apology for a lot of the things I said to you too, especially at the end.”
“You were angry,” I quickly say. “And confused. You had every right to say those things to me.”
He crooks his mouth at me in a weak smile. “Yeah, I was. But you still didn’t deserve all of that, some of it was just cruel.”
I smile sadly back at him. His words at the time had hurt, but they were nothing in comparison to what I was doing to him, to how much I was hurting him. Nothing in comparison to how much I was hurting myself, either. It almost felt good, in a sick sort of way, having him yell them at me, like they were exactly what I deserved to hear. All the pain associated with them, what I deserved to feel.
“It’s okay Jared, really, please know I forgive you for all of it, even though I don’t think there’s anything to forgive. You aren’t the one who fucked up here.”
His feet shuffle under the duvet now, moving closer to me as though seeking me out. I don’t know if he is, but I don’t even think about it when I reach out and put my hand on them, gently squeezing his toes through the covers.
“I’m sorry Jared,” I say quietly, my hand still on his feet. “For the things I said, the things I did…I really am so very sorry.”
He nods silently at me now and for the first time since any of this happened, a tiny bit of hope starts to weave its way into my heart.
“And you have to know, with all my heart, that I regret everything I did, everything that happened,” I say, my voice breaking a little.
“Everything?” Jared asks me.
I nod at him.
“You regret kissing me in the first place?” he asks. “The non-drunken one I mean.”
I’m shaking my head. No, no, no that’s not what I meant at all. I don’t regret any of that, I only regret ending it, how I ended it.
“The first time I kissed you was never a mistake Jared, never. Even if I was doing it for the wrong reasons,” I say, my voice firm. “And the second kiss, the one in the club when we were watching Damien’s band…” I trail off, smiling at the memory.
“What?” he asks when I don’t continue.
God, standing next to him in the club that night had been excruciating, even if I only had myself to blame. And I did, because I’d deliberately moved so our arms touched, whenever possible. I knew I was torturing myself by doing this, I just didn’t realise how truly agonising it would be. Being so close to him was one thing, but touching him, his skin brushing against mine, eventually it just became unbearable. When he’d said he was going to the bar to get drinks, I’d immediately seen my opportunity to do something about it, put myself out of misery, even if it was the last thing I was supposed to be doing. The one thing I’d promised myself I wouldn’t let happen. But I’d ignored the stupid voice inside my head that was telling me this was a very bad idea and without thinking about what I was doing, or why, I’d gone with him.
And damn, had it been worth it. The kiss was everything I’d wanted it to be and more. Nothing from my memories of the drunken kiss we’d shared only months earlier could compare to the real thing that night.
“Mia?” Jared asks, pulling me from the memory.
I smile at him, or maybe I already was. “I know I might not have acted like it Jared, but I always wanted you, always. I just thought I could control it, or myself anyway,” I say, shrugging. “Apparently I couldn’t.”
I watch as he takes a deep breath. “Neither could I,�
� Jared eventually says, a tiny smile on his face now.
“You’re pretty hard to resist you know,” I whisper, not sure he even hears me.
Jared exhales, running a hand through his hair. “That fucking bartender though. I’ve never wanted to not tip a bartender so much in my life. Talk about ruining the moment, asshole,” he says, apparently lost in the memory now too.
I laugh, remembering how frustrated Jared had been at the interruption. I’d needed it just so I could come up for air, Jared’s kiss almost overwhelming me. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
We sit here in silence for a moment and I wonder if we are both remembering that moment the same way. I know for me, it was a moment when I finally just stopped thinking about what it would be like to kiss him again, and instead, I just did it. And as soon as I did, I realised it was everything I remembered, but So. Much. More.
Kissing Jared was like drowning in liquid chocolate. His taste, his touch, his smell, all of it was amazing and unbelievable and completely overwhelming, but in such a good way. The way his arms had felt, wrapped around me, pulling me so close against him. The feel of his lips on mine, his breath in my mouth as he slowly, but completely, unravelled me. I couldn’t stop myself, as my arms wrapped around him, as my hands slid under his shirt and against the warm skin of his back. The sounds of his moans as his tongue gently touched mine. God, I loved it, loved every single kiss that came after it.
Missed each and every one of them now.
“I never realised if you meant to do that or what,” Jared suddenly says, bringing me back to the present. “I didn’t understand what that kiss was all about.”
I exhale, looking at him as he sits watching me. “Even I didn’t know at the time Jared,” I tell him. “Didn’t understand why I did what I did. The only thing I knew is that I wanted to. I just wanted to kiss you again, so in the end, I stopped thinking about it and just did it.”
“And then we spent the rest of the weekend not touching or kissing or anything,” he says quietly. “Acting as though it hadn’t happened at all.”
I’m nodding as he’s saying these words, remembering. It hadn’t been as awkward as that first kiss, but it hadn’t exactly been comfortable either. Luke hadn’t worked for the rest of the weekend and seeing as I was supposedly in town to visit him, it didn’t make sense that I’d spend it holed up in Jared’s room, even if that was exactly what I’d wanted to do.
“I know,” I say quietly. “It was difficult with Luke around.”
“We eventually managed to find a way though,” he whispers and I blush because I know exactly what he’s talking about.
Four years ago – Jared
Mia is back to visit. She’s only here for the weekend this time, but I’ll take whatever I can get these days. After our kiss at the bar last time, I never got a repeat performance, but at least it wasn’t awkward and we now know Luke didn’t see it. We’re still talking or texting, nearly every day now. They’re kinda getting flirtier I guess, although it’s always me that starts it. And just like last time, we still aren’t talking about the kiss. But, I’m taking it all as a step in the right direction, a slow one, but in the right direction at least. I just keep hoping she continues to play along, because I know there’s no chance of me stopping or saying no now.
We’ve been out watching Damien’s band again, and a part of me was hoping that what happened last time would happen again tonight. Luke is still at work and isn’t joining us this time, but there’s been no kiss so far, not even a hint of it happening. Mia’s spent most of the night talking with Steve, the guy we’ve roped into joining this make-shift band we’re trying to string together.
“When am I going to get to see you guys play?” Mia asks me during a rare moment when we’ve had a chance to speak to each other.
I smile at her. “Probably when we actually learn to play together.”
“It’s not going well?” she asks, looking genuinely concerned.
I laugh at her, shaking my head as I say, “No it’s fine, it’s just new and we’re all really busy and I think we’d be booed off stage if we tried to play for anyone in our current state.”
Mia laughed, reaching out and squeezing my arm and nearly causing me to drop my beer. “Do you wanna get some practice in on Guitar Hero while I’m here?” she asks, her cheeky smile lighting up her whole face.
“Ha ha miss,” I reply, flicking the end of her nose.
Mia bit her bottom lip and I was thinking now was as good a time as any to lean in and kiss her again.
“It’ll get better,” she suddenly says, her voice serious now. “It has to, I promised I’d come and watch you play, remember?”
How could I forget?
I stopped laughing as she said those words to me. I wanted them to be true, I wanted more than anything to be able to play up on a stage in front of her. To show her what I could do, some bullshit romantic idea that if she saw me play the guitar in front of a bunch of screaming fans, including her, she’d see me differently, that I’d be like a rock star to her. I wanted to say something to reassure her that day would come. But she stared at me in a way that felt like she was reading my mind. Like she could see what I was thinking and there was no need for me to say anything at all. So I swallowed the words and kept my mouth shut.
But right in this moment, I knew something had changed between us. A tiny connection, which had only been flirted with in our kiss last time, was somehow silently being strengthened. As with most things with Mia, I was never a hundred per cent sure about what I was seeing, or what I thought she might be thinking. The girl kept those walls of hers up and it was only every now and then that I found a spot to break though. But tonight, in the club, it felt like one of those times. Whatever it was, it took root between us, becoming something more, something tangible. And this time, I was going to hang on to it as hard as I fucking could.
Mia and I take the stairs to the apartment in silence. Luke is still at work and it’s just the two of us again. Whatever happened back in the club is still circling between us. We didn’t really speak after that moment, only when I asked if she was ready to go, but everything feels very different, tense, but in a good way.
Once inside, I shut the door behind me. “Do you want to…”
My words are cut off by Mia. By Mia pushing her mouth against mine, by her lips on my lips. By Mia kissing me, again.
I am so shocked after thinking this wasn’t going to happen tonight, that I actually pull back asking, “What are you doing?”
She smiles at me, a sexy little smile that makes my stomach flip. “Kissing you,” she says with a low whisper.
“What?” I ask.
“You don’t want me to?” she asks, uncertainty in her voice now.
I run my thumb across her bottom lip. “Fuck, Mia, you know I do.” I’m looking at her face, her flushed cheeks, and the confused look she’s giving me. “I didn’t think you wanted to,” I whisper, not exactly sure why I am even saying this, when she’s just made it clear she does.
She gently bites my thumb as it rests on her lips, nearly sending me to my knees. “I do want to, Jared,” she says softly. “I just wanted to do it somewhere quiet, somewhere we wouldn’t be interrupted.”
My heart practically stops in my chest at her words. Last time Mia was here and she’d kissed me at the bar, I didn’t really understand why. I hadn’t questioned it or stopped it, not like the first time, but it was a mystery that I hadn’t managed to solve yet. I have no idea what would have happened that night had Luke not shown up when he did, and I’ve never had a chance to find out.
But tonight, there is no Luke. It is just Mia and I. Both of us are a little buzzed, but it’s fun drunk, drinking because we were having a good time. There is no sadness, no fucked up family thing hanging over Mia right now, and I’m wondering if this time, our kiss is actually going to happen. That it isn’t going to be stopped by me trying to do the right thing, or an interruption we didn’t expect.
&nb
sp; I wonder if this time, our kiss isn’t going to go a whole lot further.
I trace her cheekbone with the same thumb. “I want to as well, Mia,” I tell her. “I’ve always wanted to.”
“So kiss me Jared,” she whispers. “Kiss me like you want it.”
I’m pretty sure I stop breathing. Actually, I’m surprised I’m even standing. My heart is pounding in my chest and a million thoughts are running through my brain. “Do you really mean this Mia?” I ask softly, knowing it’s the only one that really matters.
She turns her head and kisses my palm, as she moves so her hips now rest against mine. “Yes Jared, I really mean it.”
And that’s it, that’s all I need to hear. I pull her into my arms, wrapping them around her as I kiss her hard on the mouth. Months of pent up desire and desperation for her, pouring out of me. The anger at what had been so badly misinterpreted the first time we kissed, the frustration at our interrupted second kiss, it all pours out. I’ve finally been given the chance to kiss her again, kiss her properly this time, knowing it is something we both want and something neither of us is going to stop.
I hear Mia gasp, hear her sexy laugh as I pull her even tighter into my arms and feel her body melt against me. I kiss her everywhere, her mouth, her cheeks, her neck.
“I wasn’t sure if you still wanted this,” she finally says, her voice breathless and sexy as hell in my ear.
I pull back to look at her. Holding her face in my hands, I look right into her dark, ocean blue eyes and let her know exactly what I want. “Mia Taylor, I want you so fucking badly, it hurts.”
She laughs now and all I can do is stare at her, watch as my words and their meaning sink in. Leaning in, I kiss her again, gently this time, my hands cradling her face as I finally get to taste her again.
There’s no laughing anymore, just Mia’s soft moans as I keep kissing her. Just her breath on my skin as I pull her to me, slide my hands under her sweater and kiss her neck, her face, anywhere I can. I want to get as close to her as possible, to touch her everywhere. Right now, I feel as if I could crawl inside her and stay there forever. But a part of me is scared, scared of pushing too hard, too fast. Scared of Mia suddenly changing her mind and pushing me away this time. Scared of an interruption, even though I know this isn’t likely to happen. So I just kiss her and kiss her, my body shaking as I hold her against me.
