by Natalie Ward
“You could have,” he says.
My eyes close briefly, before they open and search his face. “I realise that now,” I tell him. “And when we nearly got caught, so many times, I realised we had to come clean before we did, because it would have been a million times worse for him to find out that way.”
“Yes,” Jared says, even though I’m not really sure what he’s saying yes to.
“Yes what?” I eventually ask.
“Yes him finding out without us telling him, kind of was worse,” Jared says.
“It definitely was, especially if you knew what Luke had to put up with growing up,” I tell him, a thousand memories flooding back to me, making me shudder.
Jared doesn’t say anything, but I feel his fingers tighten around mine. He thinks he knows because of what he saw, and in a way he’s right. He undoubtedly saw an awful thing, something I never thought my own father would do, but while the physical violence was terrible, utterly disgusting, the emotional manipulation was just as bad.
“Mia?” Jared finally says and I know he’s asking for more.
“He was always a cold bastard,” I say, watching Jared’s face. He looks at me in confusion, so I add on, “My dad.” I watch as he tilts his head at me. “You always wanted me to talk about this stuff,” I say.
Jared nods at me, encouraging me to go on, but saying nothing.
“He rarely showed any emotion except anger, well, when he wasn’t ignoring you anyway. And although he’d never hit Luke before, there is a part of me that’s not that surprised it happened. There were times, like with the guitar that never happened, when I was genuinely afraid for Luke. You could almost see the restraint Dad was fighting against.” I stop, remembering the morning after when Dad found the violin, or what was left of it. God, that had been awful. “But sometimes he could be incredibly cruel too, with just his words, his actions.”
“Your dad, he never hit you, did he Mia?” Jared suddenly asks me. I can hear the concern, the hidden anger in his voice.
“No, he didn’t Jared, I promise. He was just cruel in other ways.”
I watch as he visibly relaxes a little now and a small part of me can’t help but wonder what he would have done, how he would have reacted, had my answer been yes. He leans back a little and waits for me to go on.
“Mom though, she was a piece of work with her never ending comments about how I looked.”
“What?” he says, sitting up a little.
I try smiling at him. “Yeah her favourite thing was telling me how fat I looked, especially as I was about to go out or something. Did wonders for my self-esteem, as you can imagine.”
Still does if I’m being completely honest. No matter how much I try to ignore it, it’s always there; her annoying, condescending voice in my head, reminding me that my jeans look too tight or my top could be different. Amazing that I still let her get to me, when I barely even speak to her anymore.
“Jesus Mia,” Jared says, his face nothing but concern now. “You’re not fat, not even fucking close. Fuck, I can’t believe she would say that to you,” he adds on. “I mean, you’re beautiful Mia, beautiful,” he whispers now, making my heart flutter again.
I smile at him, squeeze his fingers that are still in mine, as I say, “Thank you Jared, you always did make me feel that way you know, always.”
“Because you are,” he says quietly and that flutter turns into something more.
I take a deep breath, trying to get myself under control before I abandon my plan all together and just crawl up the bed and kiss him instead, try to convince him to give us a second go in an entirely different way, like back in the bathroom. But as much as I want to do that, I need to get this all out and right now, it’s going well, better than I expected it to when I first walked in here.
“Anyway, my mom was a bitch, no doubt, but with dad, it was so very different.” I shuffle my legs, trying to get comfortable, even though it’s all the things I have to start talking about, that are making me feel uncomfortable and on edge.
“Luke though, he always suffered the worst. Worse than my mom and much worse than me.”
“He was cruel to all of you?” Jared asks, his shock evident.
I nod. “Luke could never do anything to make our father happy, no matter how hard he tried…” I hear my voice crack and I can feel my eyes filling with tears. Taking a deep breath, I force myself to continue. “But for some reason, I couldn’t seem to do anything wrong, Jared,” I say, my voice a whisper now. “I couldn’t do anything wrong and Luke couldn’t do anything right and I fucking hated my father for that. Hated that he could be that cruel, to both of us, but in such different ways.”
The tears start falling now as I remember so many incidents from when we were kids. How Luke’s grades were never good enough, but mine were, which is stupid considering he is the brainiac out of the two of us. Or how Luke never answered a question correctly, the sir always being left off, yet never applying to me. I have no idea why I was the favourite. No idea why Luke could even stand to look at me knowing I obviously was, let alone love me.
Jared’s grip on my fingers tightens. I sit, just staring at him, not knowing what to do as the tears stream down my face. Eventually he leans forward and pulls me towards him so I land awkwardly in his lap. My heart is pounding in my chest as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer. God, he smells amazing.
“Luke never blamed you, you know that right?” he says, somehow knowing exactly what I’m thinking. His chin rests on the top of my head now.
I close my eyes, not really sure if what Jared is saying is true. To be honest, I don’t understand how he couldn’t blame me, dad never made any secret of his favouritism. Almost using it in a bid to hurt Luke even more, whenever he could, as though it was all just a game to him. I tried so hard to avoid it, avoid situations where I knew it could happen, but somehow dad always found a way. He was such a fucking asshole.
I wipe away the tears that are slowly falling now, not opening my eyes. Jared squeezes his arms tighter and I can’t ignore how much I’ve missed this, how much I’ve longed to have him comforting me like this, like he always did, from the very first day we ever met.
“I always felt so bad for him,” I finally say, my cheek resting on Jared’s shoulder. “I felt so fucking awful, that he always got the worst of it. I could never understand why.”
Jared’s hand slides to my cheek, gently brushes my hair back, tucking it behind my ear. Without thinking about it, I lean into his touch, desperate to feel it.
“I promise you he doesn’t blame you, Mia,” Jared says quietly. “He’s told me what your dad was like, told me a lot of the things that happened growing up, you know that. But he never once said anything bad about you. Not once.”
His words, whether they are true or not, are a comfort, a warm blanket that wraps around me. I turn into his neck, pressing my nose against his skin and inhaling deeply. He smells so good, of so many memories, moments I couldn’t erase even if I wanted to. I want to breathe him in and never let him go. My lips press against his skin without me even realising what I am doing and I feel a shudder run through Jared. I just want to freeze time, right now, and stay here in this moment with him.
“But what does your dad have to do with us, Mia?” he eventually asks, his hand leaving my cheek now and dropping by his side. It feels like the distance between us is starting to grow again, the gap only getting wider despite the fact that we are physically closer than we’ve been in a long time.
I wish the physical gap could replace all the other gaps that are currently keeping us apart.
Two years and eleven months ago – Jared
The sound of voices floats through my bedroom door. Mia immediately stops kissing me, lifting her head as she hears them too.
“Shit,” she whispers, not moving.
Even with the music on in my room, the unmistakable sound of Luke and Ben’s voices can be heard. This is followed by the TV coming on, which means on
ly one thing, Mia is stuck here. Something I’m not entirely too unhappy about. I tighten my arms around her waist; urge her closer to me so I can get back to kissing her.
“Do you think he’ll come in here?” she asks, a scared look on her face as she resists me.
“No, I don’t think so,” I say, not entirely sure myself. “He’d knock anyway though, so don’t worry baby, he wouldn’t just storm in here.”
Mia rolls off me, as though we’re in too compromising a position and she’s not taking any chances. I don’t think it would really matter, the fact that she’s naked and lying in my bed can only mean one thing.
“Maybe you should go out there?” she says, wrapping the covers tightly around her body now.
“And do what?” I ask. “Leave you in here?”
“Yeah, you know, go hang out with them so they don’t come looking for you. I’ll just wait here and then sneak back when everyone’s gone to bed,” she says, completely serious.
“Baby,” I say pushing her on to her back and half rolling on top of her. “I’m not going to leave you in here alone just to go and hang out with them. No way.”
“But Jared, maybe you should go for a bit, just in case.”
I exhale before leaning down to kiss her lips. Mia kisses me quickly but then pushes me back. “I’m serious, just go out for ten minutes or something.”
“Mia, please,” I beg, having zero interest in hanging out with Luke or Ben tonight. Even if I do get to see Mia every day now, I’m not about to give up any chance at being alone with her. It’s bad enough that these times are all carefully orchestrated, planned like some kind of military operation or something and carried out in secret. I still want to make the most of each and every one of them. And right now, with Mia warm and naked in my bed, hanging out with the guys is the last thing on my mind.
“For me,” she says, knowing of course I can’t possibly say no to her.
I groan as she pushes me off her and out of the bed now. “This is only going to be for ten minutes and then I’m coming right back here and you’re going to make it up to me okay?”
Mia doesn’t smile, just waves her hand at me as if to hurry me up. I roll my eyes at her before pulling on some sweats and a t-shirt. Before I leave, I walk back towards the bed, put my hands on either side of her shoulders and lean in to kiss her. Just before I do, I say, “I think it’s time we came clean Mia. Not right now,” I quickly add on as she looks at me in horror. “But tomorrow, this weekend at the latest.” Mia still doesn’t say anything, and I close the distance and give her a quick kiss. “I’m tired of hiding you, baby. Tired of all this sneaking around,” I whisper against her lips. “You’re too important to me to hide and I can’t do it anymore.”
“Okay,” she says quietly, before kissing me back.
The next morning when I wake up, Mia is curled up in my arms and still sleeping in my bed. I smile when I see she has actually spent the night for once, not snuck out and left me like she usually does. I meant what I said last night, I am tired of it. The sneaking around was fun for a while, but now it’s just exhausting. I’d only spent ten minutes with the guys, just hanging with them while they watched a movie. But it had been ten minutes too long. I wouldn’t have cared so much if she was sitting there with us, but that obviously couldn’t happen, so I’d been itching to get back to bed with her. I wanted her to know I’d meant what I said, that she was important to me, very important.
As I lie here, just watching her sleep, I can hear Luke moving about in the apartment, the sounds of the muted TV filtering through. My fingers smooth back her hair and I gently lean in and press a kiss to her forehead. This is exactly what I’ve been longing for, to wake up with her in my arms and right now, I’m savouring it.
Eventually Mia opens her eyes.
“Hey you,” I whisper to her.
“Hey yourself,” she says sleepily back to me.
I smile as I lean in and press a kiss to her lips. “Now this is what I’m talking about,” I say.
“Mmmm.”
“I’m glad you stayed baby,” I tell her. “I love waking up next to you.” I’m pressing kisses across her jaw when I feel Mia freeze in my arms. “What, what’s wrong?”
Mia’s eyes are fully open now, darting around the room as though she’s just worked out where she is. “Fuck,” she whispers.
“Mia, what’s wrong?” I ask, pulling back to look at her. I cup her face in both of my hands so she’s forced to look at me. “What’s wrong?”
She smiles a little, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Luke’s up,” is all she says.
“Yeah,” I answer. “And we’re gonna tell him right? I thought we decided last night?”
Mia takes a deep breath as though she’s steeling herself for something. My heart starts to beat a little faster now, as my brain runs through all sorts of crazy ideas, like Mia has changed her mind, or that she doesn’t want to do this anymore.
“It’s going to be okay,” I say, my hand rubbing gently up and down her back as I try to stop her from saying anything other than yes.
“I know,” she answers unconvincingly.
“Mia,” I say, my voice firmer. “What’s wrong, what are you so afraid of?”
I watch as Mia’s eyes lock on to mine now. “I don’t know,” she says.
She untangles herself from my arms, but I pull her back, holding her against me. “Mia, look at me.”
When she does, I watch her for a few seconds, trying to read her face, see what’s going on. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.” She leans in and kisses me and I hold her to me for a second or two longer, just hanging on to this. “Please Mia, what are you so afraid of?”
She kisses me again before resting her forehead against mine. I can feel her soft breaths against my face and I bite my lip, forcing myself not to say anything in the hopes that she might. A stillness surrounds us and I’m silently begging her to talk, to say something, anything, just tell me what’s going on.
“Nothing, nothing. Lets get up?”
I watch as Mia gets dressed, pulling on one of my sweaters, even though that alone will tell Luke everything. Just before we walk out there, I pull Mia into my arms. “We’re in this together Mia,” I whisper. “You and me, okay.”
I feel Mia’s arms wrap around my waist, see her smiling face look up at me and her eyes finally meet mine. “I know.”
I kiss her quickly, before taking her hand and walking out to find Luke.
He’s in the kitchen, his back to us as he makes some coffee. Mia is silent beside me and I can literally feel the nervousness running through her hand and in to mine. I risk a quick glance down at her and see she’s practically shaking. I give her a hand a quick squeeze of reassurance. Turning back, I clear my throat and say, “Luke?”
He half glances at us over his shoulder, smiling before he turns back to the coffee. “Hey, you guys want some coffee?”
Mia remains silent as I answer, “Yeah sure, but first we want to tell you something.” My heart is fucking racing now too and I’m beginning to understand why Mia is so nervous. I’m not sure why I’m so worried about this, he’s my best friend, she’s the love of my life, this shouldn’t be wrong. But before I get a chance to explain how I feel about Mia, Luke turns to us.
Smiling he says, “What, that you guys are together? Yeah, I get that.” Before he walks to the fridge to grab some creamer.
What. The. Fuck.
Mia and I glance at each other, the shock on her face probably mirroring mine.
“Luke?” Mia finally says.
“Yeah?” he answers, smiling as he walks back to the coffee.
“You knew?” she asks.
Luke bursts out laughing now as he turns and leans against the counter. “Yeah Mia, I knew. A blind person could’ve seen what was happening between you two. I’m glad you’ve finally decided it’s okay to tell me about it.”
“You’re cool with it?” I ask, even though I’d always pretended he would be.
He turns to look at me, the smile still on his face as he says, “Of course I’m cool with it, why wouldn’t I be?”
I shake my head, not really sure what I’m supposed to say. Mia’s hand leaves mine as she walks over and embraces her brother, whispering something into his ear, which has him smiling wider.
Today, 3:45am – Mia
Eventually, I pull myself from Jared’s arms, my body almost crying out in protest as I do. I can’t think straight when I’m wrapped up in him, especially with his warm, hard body pressed against mine. It makes me want to do all sorts of things, things I know I can’t.
I move over, sitting beside him now and leaning back against the headboard, sliding my legs under the duvet without asking if he minds. Jared watches me, but doesn’t say anything.
“He fucked up both of our lives, but Luke’s more than anyone’s,” I say. “I don’t know how you come back from that, how you ever get over it, especially after the last incident. But that day you finally picked up his phone and called me, that was the day I found out.”
Jared turns to look at me, his head leaning against the wall, mirroring my position. “What do you mean?”
I stare up at the stars on his ceiling, see no glowing constellations yet, only the dull stickers in this light. I’d love to turn all the lights off and see nothing but our stars, the stars I spent so many nights lying under, wrapped in Jared’s arms.
I take a deep breath, trying to continue even though my heart is practically screaming at me to crawl back into his arms. I shouldn’t have moved.
“You were right to push me away that first night Jared. I didn’t know what I was really doing and you were right, whatever it was, I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was using you, and I never wanted to use you,” I tell him. “I mean when I saw what you’d done for Luke, everything you did for me. I finally started to realise there were good people in this world, people who would do good things for us, for me. But you were always so much more than just a good thing to me.”
