by Tina Saxon
He flips me like I weigh nothing, hovering over me. “That’s supposed to be my line.” My heart flutters that he wants this too. “You sure you can handle all this more than every other week?” He waggles his eyebrows and presses his groin against me.
I pretend to be thinking hard. “Hmm. It is a lot to take in.” Of course, I meant his ego, but as soon as the words escape my mouth, his lips curl to a confident grin. I’m certain I inflated his ego to a level fit for a god.
“Thanks,” he beams. “I take pride in it.” I bite my lip, fighting back my laugh. He wasn’t hard before, but he is now. With a little grind of his hips, my body is already heating up.
“I wasn’t referring to—”
He lies on top of me, bringing his lips to mine to stop me from talking. “Shh,” he murmurs against my mouth. “I know it’s a lot to take in…” He slides into me and I arch my back, moaning, at the tingling sensation of him inside me again. “But I fit perfectly into that tight pussy of yours.” Wrapping my legs around his hips, I hold on while he moves in and out of me in a slow sensual ride. The heat from our bodies is almost too much to bear, beads of sweat pool between our connected chests. We’re so close, we move as a unit made for each other. He stares into my eyes, reaching into the depths of my soul, claiming it as his. There isn’t any resistance. It’s his to take.
The bite of the air conditioner provides relief against our over heated bodies. Half an hour later, we’re back in the same position we started from except the pounding of our heartbeats echo in the room. His finger drags across my back in a figure eight, my body relaxes and my limbs grow heavy. “I agree we should do this more often,” he murmurs, his voice deep from fatigue. It seems he finally ran out of energy.
Within seconds, his breathing is a slow steady rhythm, his hand resting on my back and I drift off to sleep right beside him.
“Stay with me!”
I'm jolted out of sleep, disoriented. It doesn’t take long to figure out what woke me. “Keep talking, just keep talking to me,” Kase demands, thrashing and kicking his feet, the sheets flailing around. More murmurs I can’t understand slip from his lips before he screams.
I lay my hand on his shoulder. “Kase, wake up. You’re okay.” Keeping my voice soft and comforting, I repeat the words once more, adding more pressure on my hold as his screams get louder.
His next actions happen so fast, I’m uncertain how we got in this position.
Growls drown out my screams, fingers tighten around my throat and I claw at his arms to stop. “Kase,” I try to scream over and over. His eyes are dark, filled with anger. I am the enemy. The panicked rasp in my voice doesn’t even sound like me. I do the only thing I can think to stop the pain. Slam my knee up as hard as I can. It connects to his groin area, and the release is instant.
I scoot off the bed as fast as I can, falling to the floor on my ass. My feet shuffle on their own, scooting me as far away from him as I can. Hitting my back against the wall, I don’t take my eyes off Kase. My nightmares come alive. It’s not the same. This isn’t the same. I repeat those words.
Are you sure? It feels the same, my subconscious replies.
Kase rocks on the bed in a fetal position, holding his groin, muttering curse words. “What the actual fuck?” He growls and looks around the room. With my chest heaving and my hands on my neck, I keep quiet. When his eyes find mine, he freezes for a couple of beats before jumping off the bed and rushing over.
Bringing my knees into my chest and wrapping my arms around them, my body tenses, readying for another hit even though mentally, I know he won’t hurt me again. He’s awake. He’s not like him.
“Ellie, what happened?” He panics, kneeling at my feet. He reaches for me and I involuntarily flinch. Tears burn my eyes, I shake my head. “Tell me what I did.” His voice breaks but I can’t look at him. The click of the lamp has me opening my eyes. Our eyes meet again and his travel to my neck. “Did I…” He stops, rocking back on his feet when his knees weaken and he drops to the floor. His hands grip his hair in a frenzy. “No. Tell me I didn’t do that,” he roars.
“You were having a nightmare,” I whisper.
“I’m…” The terror in his face shatters something inside me. The shield I’m hiding behind disappears, my fears melt away. This isn’t his fault. I should have known better than to touch him. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, his tone full of regret.
I push forward, my knees dig into the carpet, and I crawl over to his hunched body. “You didn’t know what you were doing.” It’s my turn to hesitate to touch him, but when he can’t face me, I crawl into his lap. His arms stay limp at his sides. The intense need to be close to him is overwhelming considering he was choking me mere minutes ago.
I know firsthand what nightmares can do, how hard it is to refocus your energy. He needs to get out of his head. “Look at me,” I softly demand. He lifts his head and the blue of his eyes is cloaked in black. Panic, remorse, and anger reflect back at me. “It. Wasn’t. You.” I say each word slow so he hears each one. The rise and fall of his chest is the only movement between us. He blinks every few seconds and I wonder if he’s trying to communicate with me. As if he’s stuck inside his body and can't get out. He needs a push, a shift in the current.
I straddle him, waiting for a response. My therapist wouldn’t agree with me right now. She’d tell me I’m searching for emotional intimacy triggered by an adrenaline induced situation, an escape from the real problem. The real problem? I would ask her. He choked you, she would respond flatly, trying to hide the judgement in her voice. But it’s there. Don’t go back down that road. You’re better than that. I yank my shirt off despite her whispers. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m trying to prove her wrong.
He’s not like him.
He’s not my past.
He’s my future.
I can’t stop. I’ve never needed a man more than now. A simple touch of my lips to his, brings life to his body. In a frenzy of moans and whimpers from his wandering hands, my hips grind down against his hardened cock and his hands wrap in my hair, yanking it back. We gaze into each other’s eyes for a moment, his dark with need, mine blazing with acceptance. My rapid heartbeat and heaving chest filled with urgency hurts from the craving.
“Get on your hands and knees,” he commands through clenched teeth. His voice is flat, listless, but I don’t care. I’ll do anything to help him cope with this burden right now.
I submit, turning around, knees and hands on the rough carpet. The sound of a foil packet being ripped open readies me for what is about to happen. Without a word, he snags my panties with his finger, pushing them aside and slams his dick into my wetness. Our grunts and groans fill the room. The slap of our bodies and the tight grip his hands have on my hips spur me on to keep up with his demanding stride. I push back, needing to feel him all the way inside me. I’m not sure if I’m punishing myself for making him hurt me, or offering him all of me as a sacrifice to forget his nightmare. Either way, it’s a dangerous position to be in. It’s a battlefield of cries from our release and then silence.
He remains silent when he walks into the bathroom to get rid the condom and I wonder what happens next. I wish he would say something. Anything. I crawl into my bed and wait, but the emotional night gets the best of me. My eyes turn heavy and the last thing I remember is him standing in the bathroom doorway, staring at me.
When I wake, the only thing next to me are cold sheets and fear that I might have lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ellie
“Still haven’t talked to him?” Tori asks when I slam down a bottle of vodka. I shake my head. It’s been five days since he slipped out of my apartment and disappeared without a word.
Tonight, it hurts even worse. The guys are here. I told myself since none of the guys were here they were out of town on a case. Except tonight, that blows that theory out of the water. He’s definitely avoiding me.
Tori serve
s their table so I don’t have to play nice with his friends because I’m certain there’d be a few inappropriate comments. It’s bad enough I have to act nice to the male population.
The night drags on, not because I’m peering at the door every time it opens, hoping Kase will stroll through it, rather it’s the ache building in my heart each time the door opens and it’s not him. I knew not to get involved, I don’t have time for this. I’ve known him two months, but I’ve given him more of my heart than I thought there was to give. And now he’s stomping on it like a cigarette butt.
I’m cleaning the back of the bar when I hear someone behind me. “Last call was a half hour ago,” I snap over my shoulder.
“Ell, I don’t need a drink.” I roll my eyes at the sound of Cody’s voice. Turning around, I lean against the bar and cross my arms.
“Then why are you here?”
“You’re about as snippy as he is.” I grit my teeth and glare at him. “Talk to him, Ell.”
I throw my rag on the bar. “Don’t you think I’ve tried? Kase won’t talk to me.”
He pulls in a deep inhale, letting it out harshly. “He’s at home right now. There’s a lot going on in his head he needs to work through, but I can promise it’s not you he has to figure out.” Shaking my head, I stare up past him in an unfocused gaze. “Hey, I’m not saying it’ll work out. But you two should talk before you decide it’s over.”
I let out an irritated huff. “I have all the bullshit I can handle in my life, I’m not sure I can add more to it.”
His eyes soften and one side of his lip turns up and I’m surprised by a look of understanding. Have they looked into my past? “Maybe you guys can help clean up some of each other’s bullshit.” He winks and turns, walking away. My mind reels, my past and present colliding and trying to read into what he said all at the same time. I have to breathe through the panic rising inside me.
Tori walks behind the bar, carrying clean bar mats. “Tor, you never mentioned my past to anyone, right?”
“No. I’d never. Why?”
“I got a strange feeling about something Cody said. It’s probably nothing. Anyway, he told me to talk to Kase, that he’s at home right now.”
“What’re you going to do?”
I shrug, grabbing the towel and running it under the cold water.
“You should go. It’s better to find out now what is going on then let this drag out. You’re miserable, but at least you’ll have closure.”
“Well, that sounds enticing, I’m screwed either way. This is all your fault.” Her mouth gapes open as I pull her in for a hug. “Thanks for being here for me, always.”
It’s not her fault my heart beats wildly for the man.
I pound on the door a second time, not giving two fucks it’s two in the morning. “Kase, open the door. I know you’re in there. I’ll get louder, then you’ll have to deal with me and the police.”
The click of the lock makes me stand tall. Readying myself for a bitch fest. The door opens and Kase grips it like it’s holding him up. My ‘you’ve messed with the wrong girl’ expression morphs into worry. He looks like shit. His hair is tussled, standing on its ends, his face dons at least three days worth of growth and the bags under his eyes tell me he hasn’t been sleeping.
His pathetic glance before he turns and walks in, leaving me in the hallway, makes me question everything. I step in, quietly shutting the door behind me. He’s sitting on his couch, slumped back against the cushions, his arms behind his head and eyes closed. One would think he’s relaxed, except his whole body is tense.
“Hey,” I whisper. No response ticks me off a little. He needs to be a part of this conversation. “Kase, don’t ghost me.”
His eyes lazily open and he lets out a sarcastic laugh. “That’s funny. That’s what I was trained to do. It’s an art I’ve perfected.” I furrow my brows together, not understanding. I awkwardly stand there with my arms hanging, our eyes pinned on each other. Shifting from foot to foot, I wait for him to explain. “You’re nervous. Why? Are you afraid of me?”
“No.” I still my movements. “I’m nervous because I thought we had a thing, and now I’m not sure where we stand because you won’t talk to me.”
He runs his hands through his hair. “I’m not good enough for you, Ellie.”
He’s all wrong. “How do you figure? You’re a strong, passionate, loyal man. Not including the last five days, you’ve treated me with respect. So, please tell me where in that equation is not good enough.”
“Respect? Was I respecting you when I was fucking you like any other woman?”
Ouch. The sting of tears threaten, but I blink them back. He sits forward, leaning on his knees, staring up at me like he’s waiting for me to react. He’s trying to push me away.
“Am I like all those women to you?”
If he says yes, we’re done.
His head drops between his shoulders and I release the breath I was holding knowing he can’t. “No,” he murmurs. “But I have a past that puts you in danger. I hurt you the other night, I can’t forget that.”
I bite my lip to stifle my laugh at the irony of the situation. If he only knew my past. Tell him, my subconscious whispers. No, I reply. Turning my attention to Kase instead of the internal conversation I’m having with myself, I say, “Kase, I wouldn’t stay with a man who abused me. Ever. But even I can see the difference here.”
“This is even worse, I don’t realize I’m doing it is the problem which means I can’t stop myself. I can’t put you at risk. I could have killed you, Ellie.”
He’s correct but he wouldn’t hurt me in his right mind. Clearly, he wasn’t himself. Am I a hypocrite if I leave. I’m damaged, and he made me feel the most beautiful I’ve ever felt when he looked at my scars.
I walk in front of him and kneel so I’m at his feet. “How often do you have dreams?”
“It used to be more frequent, but I’ve only had two since we met.”
Hearing that drums up hope that we are helping each other heal. My nightmares have been few and far between the last two months.
“What do you think prompted it?” He shakes his head and runs his hand through my hair. I lean into it, reveling in the warmth.
“It doesn’t matter. I couldn’t live with myself if…” He stops mid sentence. Silence skips between us, the tension in his body creating a barrier around him. “I like you too much to stay.”
“I like you too much to walk away,” I reply, and kiss his hand. His hand wraps around my head and he pulls me up to him.
Forehead to forehead, he whispers. “Please don’t like me.” His voice cracks and the pain in his words shoots straight to my heart.
“Too late,” I whisper back. I press my lips to his, uncertainty rushing through me, hoping he doesn’t push me aside. I ignore the tug-of-war battle in his kiss, nudging closer in between his legs, not losing contact, instead pressing harder against him, determined to go to war with the demon making him think he's not worthy of me. “Please let me in.” Oh, the irony. I want to tell him I love him, but I can’t bring myself to say it. It feels like it would come out of sympathy. I want to say it when the love is blooming out of greatness and not desperation. Instead, I’ll show him.
I lift his shirt and he fists his hands around mine, stopping me. My eyes fly to his, regret etched in his features, I nod tightly demanding he let go. He releases my hands and lifts his arms as I stand, pulling his shirt off. I slip off my sundress, following with my bra and panties. His breath catches as he gazes at my naked body.
“Sit back,” I whisper.
He pauses but then leans back into the couch, his hands lax at his side. When I straddle him, I wait for him to touch me. If it weren’t for the heat in his eyes, I’d think he didn’t want me by his lack of movement. But I can see the desire and need. He wants to, but he’s afraid. I scale my fingers down his flexed arms, into his hands, lifting them up to my heavy breasts. His eyes roll back into his head when I place his h
ands on them, pressing them into me.
“Touch me, Kase.”
The knot tightening in my chest loosens when he grips my breasts, causing me to whimper. My hips grind down against his basketball shorts. The rough mesh rubbing against my bare wetness. I pull his neck forward, bringing his hot mouth to my boob. It sparks a fire within him and his hands are groping and grabbing me in a heated frenzy. I release a tangled cry of desire when his fingers move through my wetness and he sticks two inside me. I rock against his hand begging for my release as he plunges wildly. His thumb circles my swollen clit.
“Show me how bad you want this, babe,” he rasps in the curve of my neck. The sound of his deep sexy voice pulls me over the top. I moan out as pleasure ripples through my body. “Fuck,” he rasps, withdrawing his fingers and pulling down his shorts underneath me. As soon as his cock springs out, I lower myself onto him, sheathing him entirely, my body shivers uncontrollably. “Ellie, I’m not wearing—”
I make myself gasp as I rise and lower again, taking him as deep as I can. “I don’t care.” My voice is heavy. “I need to feel you.”
He exhales a tight groan and digs his fingers into my hips, stopping me from pushing up again.
Closing his eyes and taking deep breaths, he swallows hard as he searches for the control he craves. But I want it right now. I want all the control. I want him to feel everything I’m giving him: understanding, acceptance and even my love. Our pasts aren’t important, it’s who we are in this moment despite what we tell ourselves. Two broken people who can find solace in the present without being a prisoner of the past.
“I can’t get pregnant, Kase,” I remind him, wondering if that’s what he’s afraid of.
“I don’t care about that,” he grinds out. His eyes flash open to mine, the raw emotions sending waves of dizzying need inside me. “I want you to be sure.”
“I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.” The ardent words slip out of my mouth without regret. I lean forward and kiss him as I grind my hips so his cock hits every sensitive nerve of my inner walls. In a flash, his hands are all over me and he deepens the kiss as he moves his hips with me, my words bringing him to life.
