Tonight was…indescribable, once I stopped arguing and let him take me. It felt different—more intimate. Even going without a condom during my period still makes it difficult to fully appreciate him because he has to be gentler with me. Tonight, I could feel every wonderful inch of him, not that I can’t when we do use birth control. However, that wall wasn’t there, whether that wall is gel, a condom or my period.
I could get addicted to having him like that.
That’s not good.
I suppose if he does want me to go on the Pill, then I would be able to feel him like that every time we make love. That’s definitely one positive tradeoff; spontaneity being another. We wouldn’t have to worry about having a condom with us if we stayed in a hotel or somewhere else.
Even so, I just don’t have any desire to go on it. On one hand, I want a baby with him, but I honestly don’t see that happening for a while, if at all now. I want him to change his mind and if I’m not on the Pill, then I’d be ready to make a baby with him in an instant.
I’m so confused because then on the other hand, I don’t like him changing his mind about something he truly believes in, just to please me. I guess that would also apply to his belief in not getting married.
That’s also not good.
Sighing, I roll to my side, face the window, and close my eyes. Listening to the waves crashing against the rocks is soothing.
The next thing I know, the bed is moving and a warm body is up against me. I open my eyes and pop my head up from the pillow.
“Sorry, baby. I tried not to wake you up.” Finn kisses the back of my head and drapes his arm around me.
I lay my head down against his angled arm. “That’s okay. I was waiting up for you. I guess I nodded off.” He pulls me closer to him and I go willingly.
His hand skims my arm. “Thank you,” he whispers.
“For what?” I ask sleepily.
“Putting up with me. For loving me. For being what I need right now.”
“What is it that you need?”
He exhales, his warm breath rolls against my skin like the waves outside hugging the shore. “You.” He caresses my hand with his fingers and I know he’s thinking of what to say next. He’s not sure how much he wants to share with me. I wish he’d talk to me instead of at me.
Ultimately, he whispers, “Your touch, your kisses, your body…your heart, Becks. After what went down today with us and then at dinner, I… I don’t know. I don’t want to let you go. I want you close to me in every way possible.” From behind me, I hear him swallow hard and I patiently wait for him to go on. I’m afraid to turn around and face him for fear he might close up on me again.
He deeply inhales. “Earlier when I thought you left me, my world came to a banging halt. So now, I’m on edge when we’re apart. I don’t know why I feel like this just because of my mother and Jack.” Leaning down, he kisses my cheek and then rests his head against the side of mine. “I hope I won’t get on your nerves with how much I’ll need you.”
I quietly ask, “Why would you get on my nerves?”
“You might think I’m too clingy, like Morgan’s dress, or something.” I hear his minor laugh and I groggily smile.
“Never,” I whisper wearily. “I know you need comforting right now, Finn. I’m here, baby. Whatever you want from me. I’m here.”
He hesitates before asking, “When we get back, will you stay with me this week?”
I give a slight nod against his head. “Yes.”
“We can even start moving your things.”
“Okay, but my lease isn’t up for another three months.”
He kisses my neck and whispers, “I can buy you out of it.”
“Finn, no. It’s just a few months. I have to give my landlord notice, too.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t start moving out.”
“Okay.” I yawn and close my eyes.
Finn hugs me to him and whispers, “You’ve made me beyond happy by saying you’ll move in with me. I can’t wait for us to start sharing our lives together more. We can also look for a new place, like I brought up before.” He angles his head to say, “I don’t care where we live, just as long as we’re finally together. I love you so much, Becks.”
“I love you, too,” I reply drowsily, close to sleep.
“Forever.” He releases my hand and moves his hand to my hip, stroking it through the blanket over me.
I mumble, “Forever.”
He leans down and whispers in my ear, “Do you know exactly how much I love you?”
“Huh-uh,” I slur before I slip into sleep. I faintly still hear Finn’s sexy voice saying things to me, but I can’t make out what he’s saying. It feels like a dream, yet I’m not sure.
I start dreaming of Morgan’s flashy engagement ring. That is one ring that is not my style. It reminds me of one of those antique, glass doorknobs in really old houses, or a soap opera character’s engagement ring. My dream ring is a blue sapphire, my favorite color, and it would be unique. I’ll have it one day…
If only in my dreams…
CHAPTER 9
I lift my head from the pillow and look around the semi-dark room. There are small slivers of light seeping into the room through the sides of the curtains. Glancing over at the alarm clock on the nightstand, I see it’s 10:17. I don’t remember falling asleep last night. I do remember us talking about my apartment lease, but that’s the last thing I can recall. I think I fell asleep while he was talking.
I’m such a jerk.
Beside me, Finn is on his stomach, breathing steadily, his head facing away. His hair is deliciously mussed up over his pillow. He’s wearing a gray T-shirt, one of Ricky’s old ones, no doubt, and boxers—I imagine without looking underneath the blanket. His incredible back muscles ripple subtly through his shirt, and his bulging barbed wire tattoo on his right arm, which is near me, peeks out from his sleeve. Damn. He’s so sexy even in sleep, and I can only see the back of him. I so much want to climb on top of his back and kiss his neck until he wakes up, and then he’d roll over…
I shake my head and smile. I’d better not get any ideas. We pushed our luck enough last night. I have to remember that he’s going through a tough time and he doesn’t need more shit to worry about. He’s losing—so he thinks— another father. I surmise he believes that unlike his Dad, Henry, Jack will disappear from his life altogether because Finn and his sisters aren’t his kids. I don’t think Jack would do that. Finn is an adult, but inside, he’s still that 11-year-old boy whose parents broke up and left his life in ruins. Then, Julie married Steve; however, that only lasted a couple years and Finn detested him. When Jack came along, the family finally began the road to recovery.
My poor Finnigan. What can I do to help? I’ll move in with him, but that may take a couple months to fully accomplish. Last night, I remember him talking about needing me more and being clingy. I will do whatever I can to make him feel better. I know Val said to offer Rod an ear and a shoulder, but I have two. Finn can have the other one, along with the rest of me. I’m committed to him, as well as to helping him get through this.
I quietly get out of bed and gather clothes to change into. I grab my shower bag and creep out to the hallway, softly shutting the bedroom door behind me. I set my things in the bathroom and then offhandedly decide to see what Beth is up to, since I hear her down in the kitchen. I glance down at my PJ’s. I’m in shorts and a T-shirt, so that’ll be okay if Cody’s down there.
As I walk down the hall, I notice a collage of pictures in a big frame. I stop to look and notice they’re pictures of Bethany and me when we were growing up. One is of us in pigtails and another of us in frilly Easter dresses. There’s one of us as teens hanging over the side of a bridge, while my dad took our picture from the bank of the creek below. Definitely not the safest picture, but I guess I was actually daring once in my life. Following, is a photo of us wearing our light blue softball uniforms. The last one I see is one of us in our school’
s production of “The Wizard of Oz.” I hate that movie, yet the play was really fun. Bethany was beautiful Glinda and I was flying monkey #3. Figures.
In a frame next to the collage is a picture of us at graduation in our dark blue caps and gowns, and then next to that is one of us on her wedding day. I was her maid of honor. She also had a beach wedding. That was a gorgeous wedding, and so emotional for all of us. Cody and Bethany had been together so long and they were finally making it official. I was so happy for them.
I finally make my way to the kitchen. “Morning!” Bethany greets brightly from the island counter.
“Morning,” I grumble. “You morning people are gross.”
“I know.” She pours batter onto a hot griddle and asks, “So, what are you two going to do today?”
I swivel the on the stool to look at her. “Um, I’m not exactly sure yet. His mom invited me to lunch with her and Finn’s sister, but I don’t know about that. I’ll have to see how he feels about that. We may stick around here on the beach for a while before heading back so we can go to Mass later. We’ll then come back for your shindig after that.”
“Cool. Cody’s working today, but he’ll be done soon. I have to run some errands, pick up Coop later and get some things ready for the bonfire tonight. When Cody’s done with work, he has some things to get in town, so he’ll be out and about, too. You’re welcome to have the house. I’ll write down the security code for the garage for you, since I’ll be in and out most of the day.”
“Wow. You don’t have to do that, Beth. I want to help you.”
She gives me an incredulous look. “No. Stop. You need to be with Finn. I don’t need your help anyway. However, you can help yourself to any food in the fridge. Just don’t get into the covered trays. They’re for tonight. I know how you are with broccoli,” she attests in a firm voice, pointing the spatula at me.
I cringe. “Eww. Right.”
She giggles and turns back to her pancake flipping. “Maybe you should spend time with Finn, away from his mom for now. Stay here and walk around town or on the beach. Ooh!” She spins from the stove and excitedly says, “You should take him to see Fenwick Island Lighthouse! That’s something to do while you’re here. I also highly recommend walking on the beach, hand-in-hand. Very romantic.”
“You think I should blow off his mom?”
She tends to her perfect pancakes. “Well, yeah. At the moment, she’s kind of his adversary, don’t you think? He might see it as you crossing the battle lines and going into enemy territory.”
“You’ve been playing Cody’s Xbox again, haven’t you?”
“Yep. It’s fun!” I laugh and she says, “Spend the day with him here and then go to church with him later. That may help him, too. Just be together. Let him know you’re here for him, no matter what.”
“I like the way you think, Beth.”
She adds, “Then tonight, if you don’t want to hang out with a bunch of our neighbors, you can take one of the old blankets I have in the garage that I use for the beach, and lay it out and stargaze in the sand.”
“Jeez. You’re teeming with ideas.”
She smiles. “I am! Anything to help you help him.” Walking over, she hands me a plate of pancakes and I regard them appreciatively.
“Thanks. Wow. These look delicious. Mine are always sad and unpancakelike,” I state solemnly.
“Is that even a word?”
I shrug. “It is now.” I pick up the bottle of syrup and squirt it all over my stack until I’m satisfied with how much is dripping over the sides. I use my fork to cut into the saturated fluff and ask, “Aren’t you going to eat some?”
“I will. I just wanted to clean up my mess.”
There I go being a jerk again. I set my fork down and turn to get off the stool. “I’ll help.”
Narrowing her eyes at me, a hand goes to her hip and she nearly growls, “You will not!”
“Chill out!” I say laughingly. She motions for me to get back on the stool and I do so before she rips my head off.
Quelled, Bethany smiles and adds pancakes to another plate. Circumspectly watching her, I slowly pivot on the stool to return to my breakfast. She asks, “Is Finn still asleep?”
“Yeah. He was up later than I was, but that’s normal for him because I usually fall asleep first. Though last night, he was talking to me and I fell asleep on him. I’m such a treasure.”
“Now that’s even more reason to show him a good time today!” She laughs and sets another beautiful stack of pancakes across from me. Finn will be impressed.
“I know. I’m the worst girlfriend ever. I had forgotten to get him something for Easter. I only picked up his gift a couple days ago.”
“What did you get him?”
I start to tell her, but I hear a door close upstairs. I whisper, “I’ll have him show you later. I don’t want him hearing me.”
“Okay.”
“I didn’t show you what he got me.” Setting down my fork again, I twist to hold out my right hand and she grabs onto it to look at my ring.
She moves my hand around, catching the blue and silver in the light. “It’s pretty!”
I stiffly nod. “Yeah.”
She whispers, “It’s not what you were really wanting, though.” Pulling my hand back, I shake my head and look down to my pancakes. She nudges my arm. “I know you. You wanted a sapphire ring and that all-important question from him.”
“Sort of.” My lips pull to the side and I play with my new ring, suddenly feeling guilty that I’m still moping about my unrequited daydreams.
“It’ll happen, Hadley. Just help him get through this. I honestly think he’s getting closer to doing it.”
Warily, I catch her sympathetic gaze. “I don’t. Maybe it shouldn’t even matter. I should just forget about us getting married, Beth, along with us having a baby.” Saying that unnerves me and I shake my head as I fall back on my default stance. “I can’t help it. I still want our souls to be joined together in front of God. That’s all I really want. I just wish he did, too.”
“I know you do. At least, you’ll be together. Just take what you can get from him, for now. He’s in love with you. That’s obvious.”
“It is?”
“Dang, Hadley. Yes! He’s constantly staring at you. The look in his eyes is pure, undying love for you.”
I grin. “Kind of how Cody looks at you?”
Giggling, she nods. “Probably!”
I stab into my pancakes. “Please, he’s still hung up on you like he was in high school. He was lovesick then, too.”
“So was I!”
“I know. It was so nauseating. So distracting. My grades suffered.” She smacks me with a dishtowel as I take a bite of her heavenly pancakes.
“What was gross?” Finn asks, walking into the kitchen. I look over my shoulder and smile at him around my mouthful. He’s wearing worn blue jeans and a light green, button-up, short-sleeve shirt. I want retribution for him destroying my shirt last night. I also want to lick his chest and bite his nipples. Those are added bonuses, but I’ll be sure he understands it’s his punishment.
“How much you’re madly in love with Hadley,” Bethany interjects before I can say anything.
Finn gives her a sour face. “Who?” He dismissively waves at me. “This woman?”
“Your Becks,” she corrects herself.
His eyes fizz with ill-concealed humor, but he glibly replies, “I have no idea who you’re talking about.” I guess his poker face is off duty today.
I exaggeratedly pout and turn away from him. At least he’s in a joking mood, so far.
As I grasp my fork, Finn leans his chest against my back, his fingers lightly tickle my belly before he winds his arms around me, and his lips go right to my neck. “You bet I am,” he whispers over my skin. His captivating hair, which is now dark blonde in Bethany’s bright kitchen, brushes my cheek.
Struggling to keep the fake frown on my face, I nonchalantly ask, “You’re what
? I forgot what Bethany said.”
“You know what she said,” he mumbles into the crook of my neck, inhaling my syrup scent.
“I think the first step is admitting your problem out loud,” Bethany teases.
He stands and moves his hands to my upper arms. “I don’t have a problem admitting that I’m absolutely and madly in love with…the sight of those pancakes. Are those mine?”
“All yours!” Bethany happily announces from behind us.
“Smartass,” I mutter to Finn. He squeezes my arms and takes the seat across from me.
Bethany says, “I hope I don’t have to separate you both. That would be so sad.”
“We’ll behave,” Finn mockingly grumbles as he, too, douses his stack with syrup.
My lips pucker as I desperately fight a smile. “How kind of you, Wilder.”
“Isn’t it, Beckett?” he retorts with a cocky grin before he takes a big bite, haughtily smiling at me as he chews. If it were Rod across from me, he would’ve opened his mouth to show me his chomped food.
I huff and take a bite of my own breakfast. Finn says, “Wow, Bethany. I’m not used to pancakes actually looking and tasting like pancakes!”
Swallowing, my mouth drops open and I hear Bethany giggling near the stove. Finn innocently smiles at me and takes another bite.
I narrow my eyes at him, while his sparkle with humor. I push my plate to the side and lean over the counter. “Don’t worry. I’ll never make you endure my pancakes ever again. You can get them elsewhere from now on. I’ll make mine for someone else.” I slowly lick my bottom lip. His smile drops as his eyes fall to my lips, and he gulps.
Hopping off my stool, I grab my plate, taking it to the sink. I bend to put my plate in the dishwasher, making sure I do it long enough to tease him.
Bethany sets a small plate of pancakes down where I was sitting.
I walk to the kitchen doorway and turn to them, raising my eyebrows. “I’m going to take a shower. Can I leave you two to chitchat nicely while I’m gone?”
“I doubt it,” Bethany replies jokingly.
Daring the Wild Sparks Page 9
