by Laurie Lee
We couldn’t eat breakfast, the porridge was like gravel; so Jack and I ran up the bank to see what was going on. Families were already gathering for the charabancs, so we ran back down again. The girls were ready, and Tony was ready. Mother was raking under the piano with a broom-stick.
‘Come on, our Mother! They’ll go without us!’
‘I’ve just got to find my corsets.’
She found them; then started very slowly to wash, like a duck with all summer to do it. We stood round and nagged her, rigid with nerves.
‘Run along - you’re under my feet.’
So we left her, and scampered along to the Woolpack. The whole village was waiting by now; mothers with pig-buckets stuffed with picnics, children with cocoa-tin spades, fathers with bulging overcoats lined entirely with clinking bottles. There was little Mrs Tulley collecting the fares and plucking at her nervous cheeks; Mr Vick, the shopkeeper, carrying his keys in a basket; the two dressmakers in unclaimed gowns; and Lily Nelson, a fugitive from her brother, whispering, ‘You mustn’t tell Arnold - he’d kill me.’ The Squire’s old gardener had brought a basket of pigeons which he planned to release from the pier. And the postman, having nobody to deliver his letters to, had dumped them, and was coming along too.
Faces looked pale in the early light. Men sniffed and peered at the sky. ‘Don’t look too good, do it?’ ‘Can’t say it do.’ ‘Bloody black over Stroud.’ ‘Might clear though….’Teeth were sucked in, heads doubtfully shaken; I felt the doom of storm-sickness on me.
The vicar arrived to see us off - his pyjamas peeping out from his raincoat. ‘There’s a very nice church near thePromenade–-I trust you will all spare a moment….’ He issued each choirboy with his shilling for dinner, then dodged back home to bed. The last to turn up was Herbert the gravedigger, with something queer in a sack. The last, that is, except our Mother, of whom there was still no sign.
Then the charabancs arrived and everyone clambered aboard, fighting each other for seats. We abandoned our Mother and climbed aboard too, feeling guilty and miserable. The charabancs were high, with broad open seats and with folded tarpaulins at the rear, upon which, as choirboys, we were privileged to perch and to fall off and break our necks. We all took our places, people wrapped themselves in blankets, horns sounded, and we were ready. ‘Is everyone present? ’ piped the choirmaster. Shamefully, Jack and I kept silent.
Our Mother, as usual, appeared at that moment, a distant trotting figure, calling and waving her handbags gaily to disarm what impatience there might be. ‘Come on, Mother Lee! We near went without you!’ Beaming, she climbed aboard. ‘I just had to wash out my scarf,’ she said, and tied it on the windscreen to dry. And there it blew like a streaming pennant as we finally drove out of the village.
In our file of five charabancs, a charioted army, we swept down the thundering hills. At the speed and height of our vehicles the whole valley took on new dimensions; woods rushed beneath us, and fields and flies were devoured in a gulp of air. We were windborne now by motion and pride, we cheered everything, beast and fowl, and taunted with heavy ironical shouts those unfortunates still working in the fields. We kept this up till we had roared through Stroud, then we entered the stranger’s country. It was no longer so easy to impress pedestrians that we were the Annual Slad Choir Outing. So we settled down, and opened our sandwiches, and began to criticize the farming we passed through.
The flatness of the Severn Valley now seemed dull after our swooping hills, the salmon-red sandstone of the Clifton Gorges too florid compared with our chalk. Everything began to appear strange and comic, we hooted at the shapes of the hayricks, laughed at the pitiful condition of the cattle -‘ He won’t last long - just look at ’is knees.’ We began to look round fondly at our familiar selves, drawn close by this alien country. Waves of affection and loyalty embraced us. We started shouting across the seats. ‘Harry! Hey, Harry! Say whatcher, Harry! Bit of all right, ain’t it, you? Hey, Bert! ’Ow’s Bert? ’Ow you doin’, ole sparrer? Where’s Walt? Hey there, Walt! Watcher!’
Mile after rattling mile we went, under the racing sky, flying neckties and paper kites from the back, eyes screwed in the weeping wind. The elders, protected in front by the windscreen, chewed strips of bacon, or slept. Mother pointedout landmarks and lectured the sleepers on points of historical interest. Then a crawling boy found the basket of pigeons and the coach exploded with screams and wings____
The weather cleared as we drove into Weston, and we halted on the Promenade. ‘ The seaside,’ they said: we gazed around us, but we saw no sign of the sea. We saw a vast blue sky and an infinity of mud stretching away to the shadows of Wales. But rousing smells of an invisible ocean astonished our land-locked nostrils: salt, and wet weeds, and fishy oozes; a sharp difference in every breath. Our deep-ditched valley had not been prepared for this, for we had never seen such openness, the blue windy world seemed to have blown quite flat, bringing the sky to the level of our eyebrows. Canvas booths flapped on the edge of the Prom, mouths crammed with shellfish and vinegar; there were rows of prim boarding-houses (each the size of our Vicarage); bath-chairs, carriages, and donkeys; and stilted far out on the rippled mud a white pier like a sleeping dragon.
The blue day was ours; we rattled our money and divided up into groups. ‘ Hey, Jake, Steve; let’s go have a wet ’ - and the men shuffled off down a side street. ‘I’m beat after that, Mrs Jones, ain’t you? — there’s a clean place down by the bandstand.’ The old women nodded, and went seeking their comforts; the young ones to stare at the policemen.
Meanwhile, we boys just picked up and ran; we had a world of mud to deal with. The shops and streets ended suddenly, a frontier to the works of man; and beyond - the mud, salt winds, and birds, a kind of double ration of light, a breathless space neither fenced nor claimed, and far out a horizon of water. We whinnied like horses and charged up and down, every hoof-mark written behind us. If you stamped in this mud, you brought it alive, the footprint began to speak, it sucked and sighed and filled with water, became a foot cut out of the sky. I dug my fingers into a stretch of mud to see how deep it was, felt a hard flat pebble and drew it out and examined it in the palm of my hand. Suddenly, it cracked, and put out two claws; I dropped it in horror, and ran… .
Half the village now had hired themselves chairs and were bravely facing the wind. Mrs Jones was complaining about Weston tea: ‘It’s made from the drains, I reckon.’ The Squire’s old gardener, having lost his pigeons, was trying to catch gulls in a basket; and the gravedigger (who appeared to have brought his spade) was out on the mud digging holes. Then the tide came in like a thick red sludge, and we all went on the pier.
Magic construction striding the waves, loaded with freaks and fancies, water-chutes and crumpled mirrors, and a whole series of nightmares for a penny. One glided secretly to one’s favourite machine, the hot coin burning one’s hand, to command a murder, a drunk’s delirium, a haunted grave, or a Newgate hanging. This last, of course, was my favourite; what dread power one’s penny purchased - the painted gallows, the nodding priest, the felon with his face of doom. At a touch they jerked through their ghastly dance, the priest, hangman, and the convict, joined together by rods and each one condemned as it were to perpetual torment. Their ritual motions led to the jerk of the corpse; the figures froze and the lights went out. Another penny restored the lights, brought back life to the cataleptic trio, and dragged the poor felon once more to the gallows to be strangled all over again.
That white pier shining upon the waves seemed a festive charnel house. With our mouths hanging open, sucking gory sticks of rock, we groped hungrily from horror to horror. For there were sideshows too, as well as the machines with hair-raising freaks under glass - including a two-headed Indian, a seven-legged sheep, and a girl’s eye with a child coiled inside it.
We spent more time on that turgid pier than anywhere else in Weston. Then the tide went out, and evening fell, and we returned to the waiting charabancs. People came wand
ering from all directions, with bags full of whelks and seaweed, the gravedigger was dragged from his holes in the sand, and our numbers were checked and counted. Then we were all in our seats, the tarpaulin pulled over us, and with a blast of horns we left.
A long homeward drive through the red twilight, through landscapes already relinquished, the engines humming, the small children sleeping, and the young girls gobbling shrimps. At sunset we stopped at a gaslit pub for the men to have one more drink. This lasted till all of them turned bright pink and started embracing their wives. Then we repacked the charabancs, everyone grew drowsy, and we drove through the darkness beyond Bristol. The last home stretch: someone played a harmonica; we boys groped for women to sleep on, and slept, to the sway and sad roar of the coach and the men’s thick boozy singing.
We passed Stroud at last and climbed the valley road, whose every curve our bodies recognized, whose every slant we leaned to, though still half asleep, till we woke to the smell of our houses. We were home, met by lanterns - and the Outing was over. With subdued ‘Goodnights’ we collected into families, then separated towards our beds. Where soon I lay, my head ringing with sleep, my ears full of motors and organs, my shut eyes printed with the images of the day - mud, and red rock, and hangmen….
The Parochial Church Tea and Annual Entertainment was the village’s winter treat. It took place in the schoolroom, round about Twelfth Night, and cost us a shilling to go. The Tea was an orgy of communal gluttony, in which everyone took pains to eat more than his money’s worth and the helpers ate more than the customers. The Entertainmentwhich followed, home produced and by lamplight, provided us with sufficient catch-phrases for a year.
Regularly, for a few weeks before the night, one witnessed the same scenes in our kitchen, the sisters sitting in various comers of the room, muttering secretly to themselves, smiling, nodding, and making lah-di-dah gestures with a kind of intent and solitary madness. They were rehearsing their sketches for the Entertainment, which I found impossible not to learn too, so that I would be haunted for days by three nightmare monologues full of one-sided unanswered questions.
On the morning of the feast we got the school ready. We built a stage out of trestles and planks. Mr Robinson was in the cloakroom slicing boiled ham, where he’d been for the last three days, and three giggling helpers were now forking the meat and slapping it into sandwiches. Outside in the yard John Barraclough had arrived and set up his old field kitchen, had broken six hurdles across his knee, and filled up the boiler with water. Laid out on the wall were thirty-five teapots, freshly washed and drying in the wind. The feast was preparing; and by carrying chairs, helping with the stage, and fetching water from the spring, Jack and I made ourselves sufficiently noticeable to earn, a free ticket each.
Punctually at six, with big eating to be done, we returned to the lighted school. Villagers with lanterns streamed in from all quarters. We heard the bubbling of water in Barraclough’s boiler, smelt the sweet wood smoke from his fire, saw his red face lit like a turnip lamp as he crouched to stoke up the flames.
We lined up in the cold, not noticing the cold, waiting for the doors to open. When they did, it was chins and boots and elbows, no queues, we just fought our way in. Lamplight and decorations had transformed the schoolroom from a prison into a banqueting hall. The long trestle-tables were patterned with food; fly-cake, brown buns, ham-sandwiches.The two stoves were roaring, reeking of coke. The helpers had their teapots charged. We sat down stiffly and gazed at the food; fidgeted, coughed, and waited… .
The stage-curtains parted to reveal the Squire, wearing a cloak and a deer-stalking hat. He cast his dim, wet eyes round the crowded room, then sighed and turned to go. Somebody whispered from behind the curtain; ‘Bless me!’ said the Squire, and came back.
‘The Parochial Church Tea! ’ he began, then paused. ‘ Is with us again. … I suggest. And Entertainment. Another year! Another year comes round! . .. When I see you all gathered together here - once more - when I see - when I think… . And here you all are! When I see you here – asI’m sure you all are - once again…. It comes to me, friends! - how time - how you - how all of us here - as it were….’ His moustache was quivering, tears ran down his face, he groped for the curtains and left.
His place was taken by the snow-haired vicar, who beamed weakly upon us all.
‘What is the smallest room in the world? ’ he asked.
‘A mushroom! ’ we bawled, without hesitation.
‘And the largest, may I ask? ’
‘ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT!’
‘You know it,’ he muttered crossly. Recovering himself, he folded his hands: ‘And now O bountiful Father…’ We barked through grace and got our hands on the food and began to eat it any old order. Cakes, buns, ham, it didn’t matter at all, we just worked from one plate to the next. Folks by the fires fanned themselves with sandwiches, a joker fried ham on the stove, steaming brown teapots passed up and down, and we were so busy there was small conversation. Through the lighted windows we could see snow falling, huge feathers against the dark. ‘It’s old Mother Hawkins a-plucking; her geese! ’ cried someone: an excellent omen. Twelfth Night, and old Mother Hawkins at work, up in the sky with her birds; we loosened our belts and began to nod at each other; it was going to be a year of fat.
We had littered the tables with our messy leavings of cake-crumbs and broken meat; some hands still went through the motions of eating, but clearly we’d had enough. The vicar rose to his feet again, and again we thanked the Lord. ‘And now, my friends, comes the — er — feast for the soul. If you would care to — ah — take the air a moment, willing hands are waiting to clear the hall and prepare for the- um - Entertainment….’
We crowded outside and huddled in the snow while the tables were taken away. Inside, behind curtains, the actors were making up - and my moment, too, was approaching. The snow whirled about me and I began to sweat, I wanted to run off home. Then the doors reopened and I crouched by the stove, shivering and chattering with nerves. The curtains parted and the Entertainment began with a comic I neither saw nor heard….
‘For the next item, ladies and gentlemen, we have an instrumental duet, by Miss Brown and - er - young Laurie Lee.’
Smirking with misery I walked to the stage. Eileen’s face was as white as a minim. She sat at the piano, placed the music crooked, I straightened it, it fell to the ground. I groped to retrieve it; we looked at one another with hatred; the audience was still as death. Eileen tried to give me an A, but struck B instead, and I tuned up like an ape threading needles. At last we were ready, I raised my fiddle; and Eileen was off like a bolting horse. I caught her up in the middle of the piece - which I believe was a lullaby - and after playing the repeats, only twice as fast, we just stopped, frozen motionless, spent.
Some hearty stamping and whistling followed, and a shout of ‘ Give us another! ’ Eileen and I didn’t exchange a glance, but we loved each other now. We found the music of Danny Boy’ and began to give it all our emotion, dawdling dreamily among the fruitier chords and scampering over the high bits; till the audience joined in, using their hymn-singing voices, which showed us the utmost respect. When it was over I returned to my seat by the stove, my body feeling smooth and beautiful. Eileen’s mother was weeping into her hat, and so was mine, I think….
Now I was free to become one of the audience, and the Entertainment burgeoned before me. What had seemed to me earlier as the capering of demons now became a spectacle of human genius. Turn followed turn in variety and splendour. Mr Crosby, the organist, told jokes and stories as though his very life depended on them, trembling, sweating, never pausing for a laugh, and rolling his eyes at the wings for rescue. We loved him, however, and wouldn’t let him go, while he grew more and more hysterical, racing through monologues, gabbling songs about shrimps, skipping, mopping, and jumping up and down, as though humouring a tribe of savages.
Major Dove ton came next, with his Indian banjo, which was even harder to tune tha
n my fiddle. He straddled a chair and began wrestling with the keys, cursing us in English and Urdu. Then all the strings broke, and he snarled off the stage and started kicking the banjo round the cloakroom. He was followed by a play in which Marjorie, as Cinderella, sat in a goose-feathered dress in a castle. While waiting for the pumpkin to turn into a coach, she sang ‘All alone by the telephone’.
Two ballads came next, and Mrs Simsbury, a widow, sang them both with astonishing spirit. The first invited us to go with her to Canada; the second was addressed to a mushroom:
Grow! Grow! Grow little mushroom grow!
Somebody wants you soon.
I’ll call again tomorrow morning -See!
And if you’ve grown bigger you will just suit ME!
So Grow! Grow! Grow little mushroom - Grow!
Though we’d not heard this before, it soon became part of our heritage, as did the song of a later lady. This last - the Baroness von Hindenburg - sealed our entertainment with almost professional distinction. She was a guest star from Sheepscombe and her appearance was striking, it enshrined all the mystery of art. She wore a loose green gown like a hospital patient’s, and her hair was red and long. ‘She writes,’ whispered Mother. ‘Poems and booklets and that.’
‘I am going to sink you’, announced the lady, ‘a little ditty I convicted myself. Bose voids und music, I may say, is mine - und ze refer to ziss pleasant valleys.’
With that she sat down, arched her beautiful back, raised her bangled wrists over the keyboard, then ripped off some startling runs and trills, and sang with a ringing laugh:
