by Sandie Jones
‘We can manage,’ said Nathan encouragingly, sensing my hesitation.
I didn’t want him to manage. My ego wanted the entire business to fall apart without me there.
‘Go,’ he ushered. ‘Go take some time out.’
I needed to go, but didn’t want to. ‘You sound like an American life coach,’ I said, smiling.
‘If I have to pick you up and carry you out, I will.’ He laughed. ‘Get out of here.’
I gathered up the lip salve, Oyster card, and packet of chocolate digestives from my desk and slung my bag over my shoulder. ‘You sure?’ I asked him, one last time, as I headed out the door.
‘Go!’ he yelled after me.
It wasn’t yet four o’clock, so I headed over to the City on the Central line, hoping to catch Adam as he was about to leave the office. It somehow felt like it would be easier to tell him about the baby on neutral territory, a busy bar or restaurant, rather than in the solitude of home. I was hoping that the seriousness of the situation would feel less real, less daunting.
‘Hey,’ he said as he picked up the phone.
‘Hey,’ I replied hesitantly. ‘You leaving work soon?’
‘Just tying up one last thing, and then I’ll be on my way. Why? What’s up?’
‘Nothing,’ I said. When did I start lying so easily? ‘I’m at Bank, just wondered if you fancied meeting up for a drink before we go home.’
‘Great, I could do with a bevvy; I’ve had a shit day.’
I recoiled. Maybe if he’d already had a bad day, I should save my news for another time. For when he was more open-minded, relaxed. I immediately chastised myself for making the decision for him, and vowed to tell him regardless. I’d had a shit month, but it hadn’t stopped anyone heaping it on me, all the more.
‘Great,’ I said. ‘Meet you in the King’s Head in ten minutes?’
‘Perfect, see you then.’
I got there with six minutes to spare, enough time to have a drink and calm my nerves.
‘Can I get a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc, please?’ I said to the barman. I watched as he lifted a glass down from the rack above the bar, walked over to the under-counter fridge, and measured out a large vat of amber nectar. It was only when he put it down in front of me, its sweet aroma reaching my nostrils, that I was hit by the thunderous realization that I was carrying a baby.
‘Er, can I also get a tomato juice with that, please?’ I asked, almost apologetically.
He looked around at the space where I stood, correctly deducing that I was on my own.
‘That’s an interesting combo,’ he said.
I smiled and shook my head. God, was this what the next nine months was going to be like? Walking around with a stomach like a washing machine and a brain full of cotton wool?
‘Hi gorgeous,’ said Adam, as he came up behind me, and kissed me on the cheek. ‘You feeling any better?’
I shook my head, but he was already ordering a drink.
‘Pint of Fosters, please, mate.’
I smiled awkwardly while we waited, thankful for a few more minutes before I threw a grenade into Adam’s world. I watched him take three long gulps of his beer, as if it was water. He might need another one sooner than he thinks.
‘I’ve got something to tell you,’ I started.
Adam took one look at me and grabbed my hands. ‘Oh my God, you’re not ill, are you?’ he asked, panic flashing across his face. ‘Because if you are, I really don’t think I can cope.’
Funny how the possibility of me being ill was all about him. I hadn’t really noticed that before.
I shook my head. ‘No, I’m fine, we’re fine.’
‘Of course we are, aren’t we?’
‘Not me and you,’ I said slowly, as I rubbed my tummy. ‘Me and this one.’
‘Sorry, I’m not getting you,’ he frowned.
‘I’m pregnant,’ I said quietly, though it felt as if I’d shouted it across the pub.
‘What?’ he exclaimed.
I watched his expression change from confusion to anger, to joy, and back to confusion again, all in a split second.
‘You’re pregnant? How?’
‘Er . . . do you really need me to explain?’ I asked.
‘But I thought you were . . . I thought we had this covered.’
‘We did, well I did, but I missed a fair few days after the wedding, what with everything going on. I just didn’t keep on top of it.’
‘How many did you miss?’ he asked, as if it mattered.
‘I don’t know . . . maybe ten days, a couple of weeks? I can’t remember. But regardless, one way or another, I’m now pregnant.’
‘But shouldn’t you have thought to be more careful?’
This wasn’t going how I’d thought it would. Or maybe it was exactly what I’d expected, deep down.
‘So, what are we going to do?’ he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
I looked at him, unsure of what he was actually asking. I didn’t feel that we had an option. Obviously, he did.
‘Nothing,’ I said tightly. ‘I’m going to have a baby.’
His eyes narrowed, and he was silent for what seemed like an eternity.
‘Okay,’ he said finally. ‘So this is good news, yes?’
‘I haven’t had a chance to digest it yet, I only found out myself this morning, but it could be good, couldn’t it?’
We both stood there, looking dumbfounded, unsure of what to do or say next. He ran a hand through his hair, and I waited for his next move. I honestly wasn’t sure if he was going to hug me or walk out.
He did neither. ‘So, what are we going to do about the wedding?’
It felt like both of us were walking on eggshells. ‘I don’t want to get married whilst I’m pregnant, so I suppose it will have to wait.’
‘Okay, so that’s decided then,’ he said half-heartedly, before pulling me into an awkward embrace. ‘That’s great.’
His face told a different story to his words, but I had to allow him time to come to terms with what this meant for him, and us as a couple. I’d had close to eight hours to get my head around this life-changing news, he’d not yet had eight minutes, so I allowed him time, to give him the benefit of doubt.
‘Yes,’ I replied hesitantly. ‘It is.’
38
‘How do I look?’ I asked, without taking my eyes off my reflection in the mirror.
Adam came up behind me, put his hands on my burgeoning belly, and kissed my cheek. ‘You look really hot.’
‘Hot’ was not how I felt, but it was obvious that Adam clearly found my changing body appealing, as he hadn’t left me alone for the past few weeks. Whilst I wrestled my huge boobs into something resembling a hammock, I’d often find him just sitting on the edge of the bed, watching in amazement, and lust.
It had taken a while for us to get used to the idea of my pregnancy, and we had alternately fought, and then made love, often all in one night.
Just a few weeks before, we’d had a huge row over what I was wearing. ‘You’re not going out dressed like that,’ Adam had said, as he watched me stepping into a new black dress, ready for a night on the town with Pippa and Seb. I’d loved it when I’d seen it in Whistles, as its body-con shape had hugged my slim hips – my bump wasn’t yet visible.
‘Since when?’ I teased. ‘You know you love me in a tight little number, and the beauty of this one is that it’s going to grow with me.’ I stretched the Lycra material outwards over my tummy, as if to prove the point.
‘That was then, but this is now,’ he said seriously. ‘I don’t want you going out like that.’
I turned to face him. ‘Are you being serious?’
He nodded and looked away. ‘You’re carrying my baby now, you need to dress accordingly.’
‘And what is “accordingly”?’ I laughed. ‘Am I supposed to be wearing a tent, even though I’m not showing yet?’
‘Just show some respect,’ he said. ‘For me and the baby.’
‘Oh, come on, Adam. You sound like your mother. How I choose to dress or not dress has got nothing to do with you.’ I looked down at myself. ‘This outfit would have driven you crazy a few months ago. Nothing’s changed, I still look the same, but you’re honestly telling me I’m being disrespectful?’
He’d come at me then, and grabbed hold of my wrist. ‘You’re pregnant and you’re happy to go out dressed like a hooker, are you? You’re going to get the wrong kind of attention, and I’m not having some drunken letch coming on to you when you shouldn’t even be out.’
‘Oh, I’ve heard it all now,’ I shouted. ‘I’m two months pregnant and I’m not supposed to go out ever again? I’m not changing.’
I picked up my bag and headed for the bedroom door.
He’d stood there, his bulk filling the frame.
‘Move,’ I said, sounding more controlled than I felt.
‘You’re not going.’
My heart was beating out of my chest, and my throat felt parched. The beginnings of a tension headache banged against my skull.
I looked at him, my eyes imploring him to move, but he stayed fast. It was a battle of wills.
‘Move,’ I repeated.
‘No.’
I banged at his chest with my curled fists. ‘Move out the way!’ I yelled, tears of frustration streaming down my face. ‘I swear to God, if you don’t move—’
He caught hold of my wrists, and pushed me back into the wall. I thought he was going to spit more vitriol at me, or worse, raise a hand to me, and I cowered, preparing for the onslaught. But instead he kissed me, his tongue delving deep into my mouth. I didn’t want to respond. I wanted to show him that I was still as mad as hell, but I couldn’t help myself. He ripped my tights as he tore at them, like a man possessed, and I cried out as he entered me.
‘Does that hurt?’ he asked.
I shook my head. He’d looked at me then, as if seeing me for the first time.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, everything about him suddenly yielding and docile. ‘I don’t know what came over me. You just look so amazing, and . . .’
He called out and I felt his legs buckle as his head nuzzled my neck, looking for support. He was panting hard. ‘Are you still going out?’ he managed between breaths.
‘Yes,’ I said, smoothing down my dress. I wasn’t quite sure what had just happened. Was that normal? How can two people fight and lash out at each other, only to be making love a couple of minutes later?
I’d gone out, but not enjoyed myself. Not drinking when your two mates are getting off their faces does not make for the best of nights. Maybe Adam was right: things were different, and they would be different for evermore.
I looked in the mirror now, tucking my blouse in and then pulling it out again. At just over three months, it was becoming more difficult to disguise my protruding tummy, but today it didn’t matter. Today, for the first time, I could put it on display, be pregnant and proud, but I just felt fat.
‘Nothing fits,’ I cried, as I rummaged through my wardrobe, looking for inspiration, yet seeing nothing. I could feel myself getting worked up, and there was a tightness across my chest.
‘What you’re wearing looks great,’ offered Adam again, as he watched me battling with hangers and throwing tops and trousers onto the bed. He could say it until he was blue in the face, but I didn’t look great, feel great, or any other great. I just wanted to undo the restrictive buttons on my trousers, lie down on the bed, and cry.
‘Do we have to go?’ I moaned, sounding like a three-year-old.
‘You haven’t seen my mother in ages, and we need to tell her our news,’ he said, as I groaned inside.
‘Can’t you just tell her over the phone?’ I begged.
‘Em, we’re going to have a baby, and she’s going to be a grandmother for the first time. It’s not something you tell someone over the phone. And it won’t be so bad, because James is coming with his new girlfriend, so that’ll mix up the dynamics a bit.’
I wanted to scream. How the hell was I going to get through this? I hadn’t seen Pammie since the whole hospital debacle, and I’d ignored two voicemails. Adam had dropped her at her last ‘chemo session’ and was thrilled when Pammie called him a week later to say that the doctors were so pleased with her progress that they were going to stop the treatment for the time being. I’d smiled rigidly as he’d relayed the good news to me, all the time tempering down the overwhelming desire to shout, ‘She’s lying!’
The very thought of seeing her made me shudder. I hadn’t felt nauseous for weeks now, but I could feel the familiar wrenching in my gut as it reacted to the idea of being in the same room as her. My nerve endings felt on edge and raw.
I imagined her twisted features as she’d no doubt goad me in front of James, daring me to pull her up, and being ready to pounce with the killer blow that she knew would destroy everything I had with Adam. Or perhaps it would be James who’d turn the screw. I felt light-headed as I wondered, not for the first time, about his motivation for doing what he’d done. Saying what he’d said. What did they have to gain by working together to break me down and split us up? Had James told her the truth? That I’d rebuffed him? Or was he a liar, like his mother, and had told her a different version of events? Either way, it didn’t really matter. She could make my life hell and hold me to ransom, but was that what she was planning to do? Surely, she’d realize it wouldn’t be wise, knowing what I do about her, but what would it matter by then? Adam and I would be over before I’d even have the chance to tell him how she’d cruelly lied about having cancer.
‘I don’t feel well enough to go,’ I said to Adam. ‘I feel sick. Why don’t you go along, tell them the news?’
‘Come on, Em, pull yourself together. You’re pregnant, not ill. It’ll be a couple of hours in a nice restaurant and then we’ll be out of there. Surely you can manage that?’
I honestly didn’t know how I could sit in amongst Pammie, Adam, James, and his girlfriend, forever fearful, waiting for the grenade to explode. Though which one of us was going to pull the pin out first, was yet to be seen.
‘I’ll look after you,’ he said, as if reading my mind. ‘It won’t be so bad.’
Tears sprang to my eyes, as I realized that the one person I had on my side could be snatched away from me at any time of Pammie’s choosing.
39
Unusually, Pammie was already in the restaurant, sitting at the table, laughing loudly with James and his girlfriend, as we walked up to them. It already felt like I was the odd one out, the one they were laughing at.
Pammie stood up to greet us. ‘Darling,’ she said to Adam, ‘it’s so lovely to see you.’
I smiled tightly.
‘And Emily. Dear Emily, you look . . .’ She took a purposeful breath as her eyes travelled up and down my body. ‘Ravishing.’
Adam helped me off with my coat.
‘Hi, Em, this is Kate,’ said James awkwardly. He leant in for a kiss, and it took all my will not to pull away from him. I shook Kate’s hand as she loomed into view. She was tall, blonde, and slim, and I felt my heart break a little.
I smiled. ‘Lovely to meet you.’
‘You too,’ she replied, ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’
I wanted to say, ‘How so?’ but instead, I gave the standard response. ‘All good, I hope?’
No one ever offers an answer to that, yet it’s one of life’s few rhetorical questions that everybody wants a response to.
We smiled between ourselves, whilst Adam went off in search of a coat stand. ‘So, how’s things?’ James asked eventually. ‘Busy at work?’
I hadn’t seen him since our wedding dinner for the wedding that never happened. His hair was a little longer, the front just cutting across the top of one eye, and the sun had lightened it to a dark honey blond. I’d assumed that his deep tan was from spending his days tending to the gardens of England, but I noticed that Kate also had a colour to her cheeks. My chest tightened as
I imagined them being away somewhere romantic, a villa or intimate hotel, in Italy or France, perhaps, spending their days lying by a pool, and their nights making love. I tried to banish the thought of it, hating myself for still caring, even after what he’d done.
‘Yes, all good,’ I replied. ‘You? You look like you’ve been away.’
‘We’ve been to Greece,’ said Kate excitedly. ‘It was amazing, wasn’t it?’ She looked to James, who gave her the same look back and took hold of her hand. Did Adam and I look at each other like that?
‘Here’s the big man,’ said James, as Adam came towards us smiling.
They shook hands and I watched as Adam was introduced to Kate, their attempt to kiss each other awkward as he went in for two, whilst she was only expecting one. I could feel a prickle of embarrassment from them both.
She was all eyes and teeth, and I pulled at my dowdy blouse self-consciously, wishing I’d worn the dress that Adam and I had fought over a few weeks ago. At least then I could have begun to compete.
‘Isn’t she gorgeous?’ Pammie whispered, as she stood beside me, watching them. ‘She’s got it all.’
I didn’t react. I just continued to watch the two men fawn over her. This was going to be worse than I had even imagined.
‘So, what’s new?’ James asked, finally bringing me back into the conversation.
‘Well, let’s just order a bottle of wine and we’ll tell you,’ said Adam, summoning over the waiter.
‘Sounds ominous,’ James laughed.
‘Not at all,’ said Adam. ‘We’ve got some pretty big news, actually.’
I watched Pammie’s face, her muscles contracting as she struggled to remain expressionless.
‘Oh yes?’ she managed. ‘Have you set a new date for the wedding?’
‘Not exactly,’ said Adam. ‘Things have moved up a gear or two.’ He looked at me and took my hand, and I gave him my best winning smile.
