by Sandie Jones
I didn’t say a word, just watched him as he kept laughing at me.
‘You did, didn’t you? Oh, that is fucking brilliant. But here, I’ll let you into a little secret . . .’ He leant in close, his breath hot on my cheek. ‘I’ve never been faithful to you. How could I? There’s nothing you do that turns me on. You leave me cold.’ He shuddered for effect. ‘Yet you’re so pathetically grateful every time I come near you.’
I spat at him, a big globule landing on his cheek.
His hand came from nowhere, hitting the side of my head, sending me sprawling backwards. It felt like my teeth were spilling out of my mouth one by one, like they do in my dreams, and I clamped my mouth shut in an effort to stop them.
He pushed me onto my back and sat astride me, pinning me to the ground. ‘But that’s okay, because now I know you’ve been screwing around too.’
He’d reminded himself why he was so mad, and he bore down on me, putting his hands around my throat.
My eyes searched his, trying to find a way back from this madness, looking for a sliver of light to make this all stop. But they were as black as night, his pupils so dilated that they almost filled the colour around them. I tried to get my fingers between his and the skin on my neck, but his grip was too tight. He wasn’t squeezing yet, he was just enjoying the fear it provoked.
‘I didn’t, we’ve never . . .’ His grip around my throat was getting tighter with every word I uttered. I felt like I was going to another place, somewhere other than here, but in the distance, I could hear a cry, faint at first, then growing louder. I snapped my eyes open at the realization that it was Poppy, and Adam, stopped by the same sound, started to lift himself off me.
‘No!’ I screamed, making a grab for him, pulling on his hair, his shirt collar, anything I could get traction on. He hit my hand away, but as he went to stand up, I launched myself at him with all my strength. I couldn’t let him near Poppy. I hung onto his back, clawing and scratching at any part of him. I reached around to his face, my thumbs blindly searching for his eyes, all the time his bulk was trying to shake me free, but I clung on. I would not let him near my little girl.
He reared up and smashed me into the architrave of the living-room door as he went towards Poppy’s room. ‘No!’ I wailed again. I pulled him back with all my might and he lost his footing, stumbling on the landing, with me underneath him. He got to his feet as I manacled myself around his leg, trying to hold onto him, but I lost my grip. Poppy’s cry was getting ever louder or we were getting ever nearer, sending my senses into overdrive. I could hear her tears, could hear my screams, but there was something else, another noise I couldn’t decipher.
Blinded by blood and tears, I waited for Poppy’s cries to stop as her daddy picked her up. She wasn’t to know that the man comforting her was as far away from a father as anyone could possibly be.
‘It’s over,’ said a voice. A woman’s voice.
My brain banged against my skull, as I willed myself to make sense of what was going on. I looked up, through the slit of an eye that was fast closing up, and saw a figure standing in the doorway of Poppy’s room. I dragged myself up to a sitting position and forced myself to focus. I saw my baby first, nestled in the arms of this unknown entity, her little body being gently rocked back and forth. A fear that was almost tangible shot through me as I took in the face of the person holding her. Pammie.
I couldn’t make sense of it. Were they in this together? Is this what they had been plotting all along?
‘Give me my baby!’ I scrabbled to get up, but Adam, standing between us, pushed me back down.
‘It’s over,’ Pammie repeated, her voice shaking.
‘Give her to me,’ I cried out again, desperate to feel her in my arms. My mind fast-forwarded to see Pammie running down the stairs and out into the street with my baby. To where, I didn’t know. My heart felt like it had stopped beating – a dead weight in my chest.
‘Please,’ I begged, holding my hands out towards her.
‘Mum,’ said Adam, his tone suddenly calm. ‘Give her to me.’
‘I know what you did,’ she said. ‘I saw you.’
‘Mum, don’t be stupid,’ he said, as if warning her. ‘Give Poppy to me.’
The front door banged again. ‘Mum, Emily . . . the police are on their way,’ called out James, breathlessly, as he came up the stairs to the landing. He took one look at me through the banisters and said, ‘Jesus.’
The four of us just froze, as if holding our positions, weighing each other up. Pammie was the first to speak, but when she did, it was the last thing I expected to hear.
‘Emily, come and take Poppy,’ she said. I looked from her to James, and then up at Adam, who still loomed above me. I crawled on my hands and knees towards Pammie and, once I was sitting up against the wall beside her, she gently handed my baby to me. I held her to me and breathed her in.
‘I saw you, Adam,’ Pammie said. ‘And you saw me. It’s over.’
‘What the hell is going on?’ said James.
‘I was at the house that night,’ she said to Adam. ‘When Rebecca died.’
Pammie’s shoulders shook as she gave in to her tears. ‘I heard you goad her as she struggled for breath . . . I watched you deny her the inhaler.’
I gasped, as James uttered, ‘What?’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ said Adam defiantly. His shoulders back and jaw set.
‘Adam, I was there. She begged you to help her, and you could have. You had her life in your hands. All you had to do was give her the inhaler. But you just stood over her, watching her die. How could you do that?’
‘You’re crazy,’ Adam sneered, although I saw there was a panic in his eyes.
‘And when you disappeared and took yourself back to the train station to start your walk home again, I was left there, desperately trying to save her life.’ Her voice broke as she sobbed. ‘I will never forgive myself for not being able to.’
‘What are you going on about?’ barked Adam. ‘I was at work. You called me, remember? You were the first one there. You were also the last one to see Rebecca alive. Some would think that’s one coincidence too many, don’t you think?’
‘Don’t you dare,’ spat Pammie. ‘I will carry the responsibility for my part in this for the rest of my days, for the way you’ve turned out, and for the callous things you’ve done. But I did everything I could to help that poor girl, just like I’ve done for Emily.’
She turned to look at me, her eyes pleading with me to believe her. ‘I’m so sorry it had to get to this before I made you see what he’s capable of.’
I could hear her words, but they weren’t making any sense.
‘What are you saying?’ I asked.
‘I tried to help you,’ she said through her tears. ‘I did everything I could to warn you off, but it was never enough. You kept coming back at me for more. Why couldn’t you see what I was trying to do?’
‘But you hate me,’ I said, the words tumbling from my mouth, faster than my brain could control. ‘You did the most wicked things.’
‘I had to, can’t you see?’ she sobbed. ‘I had to get you away from him and I thought it was the only way. But that’s not me. That’s not who I am. Ask anyone . . . You may think you know Adam, but you have no idea.’
‘This is crazy,’ he said, rubbing his hand furiously back and forth through his hair, as he paced up and down the landing like a caged animal.
As I looked at him, every conversation that we’d ever had ran through my head, his words in stereo sound-bites. You’re being disrespectful. You’re not going out dressed like that. Why is Seb going? I’m calling the wedding off. What do you think I am, a monk? The force of his blows still stung, but it was the memory of his vicious words that cut the deepest, the realization of the control he’d had over me causing the most pain.
‘I’m sorry for hurting you, I truly am,’ Pammie continued, ‘but I couldn’t think of any other way. I thought I was
doing the right thing. I knew it was eventually going to come to this, if you stayed.’
‘But why . . . why didn’t you just tell me?’ I stuttered, turning to Pammie. ‘If you knew what he’d done to Rebecca?’
She shook her head and wouldn’t meet my eyes.
‘Babe, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about,’ said Adam, looking at me imploringly. He was clearly hedging his bets, trying to work out which of the women in front of him had his back. ‘She’s crazy, insane. You’ve got to believe me.’
‘I thought you loved me . . .’ I started.
I flinched as he crouched down in front of me, on tenterhooks as to what he might do next. ‘I do, you know I do,’ he said. His hands were shaking and he had a twitch in his jaw, a tell-tale sign of the adrenaline that was rushing through him.
‘But now it all makes so much sense,’ I went on quietly. ‘You never loved me, you just wanted to control me.’ I pulled Poppy closer to me as she let out a sleepy cry.
I went to stand up, in the vain hope that it would make me feel stronger, but was reminded of the pain in my hip. My legs buckled. James rushed forward to support me and I fell into his arms.
Adam lunged at the pair of us. ‘Get your filthy hands off her,’ he yelled. ‘She belongs to me.’
James moved to shield me, and pressed me back against the wall, out of harm’s way, as he grappled with Adam in the tight space.
‘You’ve always wanted what I had,’ sneered Adam to his brother. ‘Even when we were little. But you’ll always be second best – you’ll always be the poor relation.’
As I slid back down the wall, with an ever-protective arm around Poppy, my mind flashed to a bizarre image of two young boys racing crabs along a beach. I could hear the crack of its shell and James’s tears. I wondered how far back Adam’s murderous tendencies ran.
‘Enough,’ screamed Pammie, putting her slight frame between the pair of them. ‘I can’t deal with this anymore. I can’t go on pretending everything is okay. Nothing has been okay since your father died. You’ve held me to ransom ever since, with your threatening comments and cruel notes. All designed to let me know that you know. I gave you every last penny that I had, whatever I could afford, but it still wasn’t enough to make you stop. I’m sorry for what I did, and I’m sorry that it made you the way you are, but enough now.’
James took hold of his mother’s hand. ‘Ssh, Mum, it’s okay.’
She collapsed into his arms. ‘I can’t go on, son. I’m too weak.’
Adam’s face crumpled at the sight of two policemen rushing up the stairs towards us. ‘It doesn’t have to be like this,’ he said, looking at me pleadingly. ‘We’ve got Poppy to think about. She needs the both of us. We can be a family, a proper family.’
‘Adam Banks?’ enquired the police officer.
He looked at me again and reached for my hand. ‘Please,’ he begged, with tears in his eyes. ‘Don’t do this.’
The policeman held Adam’s arms behind his back and handcuffed him. ‘Adam Banks, you do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.’
‘You’ve just made the biggest mistake of your life,’ Adam spat at me as he was led away down the stairs.
As the door closed behind them, the three of us remained where we were, unmoving and paralysed with shock. James was the first to speak.
‘If you knew all this, why didn’t you go to the police back then, when it happened?’ he said to Pammie. ‘Why did you put Emily at risk?’
‘And the inhaler was in your house,’ I said, in a trance-like state, still trying to piece together events and remembering out loud. ‘I saw it. You hid Rebecca’s inhaler in your house.’
‘I couldn’t tell the police,’ she cried. ‘And I had to take the inhaler, otherwise why wouldn’t she have used it? He left it right there beside her. Like all the other attacks she’d had, a few puffs would have got her round the right way. People would have known that, her parents would have known that, and would have started asking questions. I had to keep Adam out of the picture.’
‘But why?’ asked James, seemingly as confused as I was.
‘Because he saw me,’ she said quietly.
We both looked at each other as Pammie bowed her head, her whole body shaking. James went to her, and put an arm around her, but she shrugged it off. ‘Don’t,’ she said. ‘It will only make things worse.’
‘How much worse can it get?’ asked James.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she cried. ‘I never meant for it to happen.’
‘Tell me. What is it?’ he asked, terror in his voice.
‘Your father,’ she sobbed. ‘He wasn’t the man you thought he was . . . he abused me.’
‘Mum . . . I know,’ said James quietly.
She looked up in shock. ‘But how . . . ?’
‘We both knew. Adam and I used to sit at the top of the stairs, trying to think of ways to make it stop, but we were too scared.’
She reached out for his hand. ‘One night, he came towards me and . . .’ The words caught in her throat. ‘It was an accident. You have to believe me. He was drunk, and he was coming for me. I was so scared. I backed away, but he had me cornered. He raised his arm, and I pushed him. So lightly, but it was enough to knock him off balance. He lost his footing and fell backwards, hitting his head on the hearth as he went down.’
James bit down on his lip and tears sprang to his eyes.
‘He was so quiet as he lay there,’ Pammie went on, ‘and I didn’t know what to do. I knew he’d kill me when he came round, so I had to get away. I had to get us all away. I ran out of the kitchen, but there he was.’
Her eyes glazed over.
‘Who?’ I asked.
‘Adam,’ she cried. ‘Sitting at the top of the stairs, watching through the banisters. He was there one minute, and then he was gone. In a blind panic, I ran up the stairs, but he was back in his bed, pretending to be asleep. I reached out to touch him, but he shook me off and turned to face the wall.’
‘It was an accident, Mum,’ said James, pulling her in to him. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’
She allowed herself a small smile. ‘You’ve always been such a good boy,’ she said to him. ‘Even that night, when I came in to check on you, you woke and said, “I love you, Mum.” I’ll never know what I’ve done to deserve you.’
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ he said again softly.
‘It is!’ She was sobbing now. ‘I’ve turned him into the monster he is. He’s never said a word, but he knows what I did. It’s why he did what he did to Rebecca. It’s why I feared he was going to do the same to Emily. I had to get her away from him.’
I sat there, numb and open-mouthed as the realization of what she was saying sank in.
‘I need to tell the police,’ she said, shaking herself down. ‘I have to tell them what I’ve done before Adam does. He was so young, he won’t remember events clearly. He’ll just say that I killed his father. I need to be there to give myself a fighting chance.’
James took hold of her shoulders and forced her to look at him. ‘Adam won’t say anything.’
She tried to pull away from him. ‘I have to go,’ she said impatiently. There was a sudden urgency about her, a need to get her story across.
‘Adam won’t say anything,’ James repeated.
‘He will, I know he will,’ she said, panicking.
‘He won’t, because it was me,’ he said.
A sob caught in her throat as she looked at him, confused.
‘It was me, not Adam, sitting at the top of the stairs.’
‘But . . . but it couldn’t have been,’ she stuttered.
‘I saw what happened, and it wasn’t your fault.’
‘No . . . it was Adam. It had to be, because you told me you loved me.’
‘I still do,’ said James, and Pammie fell into his open arms.
&n
bsp; EPILOGUE
The daffodils are in bloom and Poppy is crawling in amongst them, much to the chagrin of her mother. She catches my eye as she scoops her up, and we laugh at her muddied knees. Poppy giggles as Emily hoists her into the air and blows a raspberry on her tummy. She looks like her mother when she smiles, she has the same kind eyes and button nose.
‘You’ve got all this to come,’ I say, as I pat Kate’s hand, who instinctively rubs her rounded tummy and smiles.
‘I, for one, cannot wait,’ says James, as Emily puts Poppy back down on the grass and she immediately heads to the beckoning land of yellow again. We laugh as James crawls after her, making a roaring noise, and she doubles her speed.
‘He’ll make a wonderful dad,’ I say after him.
I think of all those letters from a dad that Poppy will never know. I don’t know what they say because I’ve never opened them, but he must know what he’s missing. She’ll be a teenager before he’s out, and by then, Emily will have moved on, will be living the life that she deserves.
I hope she meets someone who will love her and Poppy the way I do.
Who will care for her in the same way she cares for me.
Not a day has passed without her coming to see me, not even when the court case was on and I was too weak to go.
‘You okay?’ she asks as she puts her hand gently on my shoulder.
I smile and reach up to hold it.
Yes. I am okay.
I’m free of the fear I’ve lived with for so long.
I just wish I had longer to live.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
A huge thank you to my agent Tanera Simons, who had to endure me hyperventilating when she told me I had a publishing deal. She has also had to convince me (several times since) that it wasn’t a wind-up. Thank you Tanera and everyone at Darley Anderson – I feel very lucky to have found you.
My incredible editors, Vicki Mellor at Pan Macmillan and Catherine Richards at Minotaur Books, who both ‘got’ The Other Woman from the word go. It has been a pleasure to work alongside you to make the book the best that it can be.
To the fabulous Sam, who was my soundboard and kept pushing for more pages, before I’d even written them. And to my very special friends who will all, no doubt, find something of themselves in The Other Woman – be it a shared memory, a familiar character trait or a hidden meaning. Thank you for the inspiration, support and encouragement.
