by Aly Martinez
My chest ached as I made the decision to finally let her go. She stared at me, pleading through her sparkling, blue eyes—a single tear spilling out then trailing down her cheek.
Fuck. That one fucking tear gutted me.
It was the end.
With that realization lingering between us, my angry façade melted away, leaving me stripped and vulnerable in its absence. I couldn’t even stop the truth as it tumbled from my tongue.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m so fucking bitter, Eliza. I don’t even know why most of the time. I mean, of course, there’s the obvious.” I looked down at my legs. “But God, it’s so much more than that. I’m starting to hate him because I love you. Yet, at the same time, he’s my brother and I love him, but I hate you so fucking much for loving him too.”
“You don’t love me, Flint,” she whispered.
“You can’t say that! You don’t know!” I boomed before falling quiet. “I just need to get away from here.”
“Okay. Then I won’t fight you. If you want to move out, fine. But I have this feeling that you’re not planning to come back.” She dropped to her knees in front of me. Then she squeezed my hand painfully tight. “I need you to swear to me that, even if your address changes, you’re not actually going anywhere.”
“I can’t . . .” I trailed off.
“You don’t have be around me if you don’t want, but please don’t do this to Till and Quarry.” Her voice hitched.
Damn it, I’m such a prick.
“It’s not just you, Eliza. I mean, that’s part of it, but . . . fuck. I’m drowning. Everyone’s so happy. Till’s running the gym with Slate now. Quarry’s destroying the amateur boxing circuit. And I’m . . . sitting in the stands, watching.”
Releasing my hand, she inched even closer. Palming each side of my face, she said, “You’re not sitting in the stands, Flint. You’re just adjusting. You’ll be back in the ring in no time.”
“Don’t,” I whispered. “We both know I’ll never be back inside that ring.”
She shook her head in disagreement, but she didn’t say the lie out loud. “God, you’ve had a hell of a year. You can’t possibly expect—”
I interrupted what was sure to be a pep talk. “Let’s just be real here.”
She sighed then rested her elbows on my useless thighs. “Maybe you’re right. As much as it’s gonna kill me, your moving out and starting your own life might not be the worst thing to happen. You always were a nerd,” she teased through tears. “College will be great.”
God, she was amazing. And for that reason alone, I blurted, “You were right too. I am saying goodbye.”
Her whole body tensed. I hated witnessing the verbal slap I had just issued, but if there was ever a woman who deserved the truth, it was her.
“I need a fresh start, and I can’t do that here. I need to figure out my life now that this is my new reality,” I told her. I could tell she assumed I was talking about being paralyzed, and I can’t say that she was wrong. Although she wasn’t right, either. So much of my life had been caught up in her. I wasn’t quite sure how to move forward.
I was about to try though.
“I know you do.” She sniffled, pushing herself off her knees. “Okay. No more crying. This is a good thing for you.” She sucked in a deep breath and used the backs of her hands to wipe the tears away.
Then her shoulders squared.
Fuck.
“I’m gonna need you to take that check from your brother,” she told me sternly.
“I can’t do that. Till made his own way in life. I’m a grown-ass man now. I want to do the same.”
“You might be a ‘grown-ass man’”—she tossed me a pair of air quotes—“but you’re still his little brother. Flint, he sat in silence for years to be able to earn enough money to write you that check.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Shut up and listen to me.”
I rolled my eyes, but she didn’t seem to care.
“When Till initially went deaf, he gave me three excuses as to why he needed to continue boxing instead of getting the cochlear implant: to buy me a home.” She waved her arms around the room. “To pay for the best specialist for Quarry.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “And lastly, to be able to pay for your college. He always brags to anyone who will listen about how smart you are. He adores the fact that you actually enjoy school, and he wanted to be able to give you that. He doesn’t want you to have to bust your ass the way he did.”
“I can’t take his money,” I repeated.
“You have to. And if you want me to let this go and keep my mouth shut about the real reason you’re leaving, then you will take that check and drive off in that van he bought for you months ago.”
“I’m not taking the minivan. It’s ridiculous.”
“It really is.” She laughed before getting serious again. “But you’re gonna take it. And that check too. If you’re planning to disappear for a while, at least give us both the peace of mind that you aren’t struggling.”
“I don’t want—”
“Here you go,” Till announced, walking back into the room. “I wasn’t sure how much the dorms are. I tried to look it up, but I swear it just confused me more. Anyway, I think this should cover that and tuition. Let me know if you need more. I’ll get a stipend set up for you next week.” He extended the check in my direction.
I immediately backed away. “Listen—” I started, but Eliza cleared her throat, catching my attention.
“Take it,” she mouthed behind his back.
Till was absolutely not paying for my college, but I could take his check to keep the peace. Cashing it would be a different story.
I took it from his hands. “Thanks. I really appreciate it.” I flashed my gaze back to Eliza, who continued our secret conversation.
“And,” she mouthed.
Shaking my head, I looked back at Till. “And can I have the keys to the van?” I mumbled.
His eyes lit, and a huge smile grew on his face. “She must have some serious dirt on you if you agreed to take the money and the van. Jesus, that woman is good.” He let out a loud laugh, looking over his shoulder at Eliza, who innocently shrugged.
“That she is,” I confirmed.
“Come on. I’ll show you all the stuff I had added to it. The hand pedals are super easy to use. Let me grab the keys and I’ll meet you out there.” He squeezed my shoulder and walked toward the garage.
I started after him, but just before I made it to the door, Eliza stopped me.
“Hey, Flint.”
I turned to face her.
“Come back, okay? Take some time and get your head straight. But please, just come back.” She smiled tightly, tears once again flooding her eyes.
“I promise.” I swallowed hard, praying that it was one I could keep.
Armed with a bag of clothes, a check folded in my pocket, and a handicap-equipped minivan, I pulled out of Till and Eliza’s driveway. As I watched the mansion disappear in my rearview mirror, I had absolutely no plans of going back—despite whatever promise I had made Eliza. I couldn’t even conjure a day where that place wouldn’t send me into a tailspin.
My first stop was the college. I spent hours filling out paperwork: admissions, financial aid, and housing. Fortunately, they’d extended the acceptance I had received before the accident. Unfortunately, there was actually a two-year wait list on the handicapped dorms. The best news I received all day, though, was the fact that being broke had its advantages. The financial counselor set me up with enough loans and grants to cover tuition, with money left over to cover housing too. It would take several weeks to get the money, but that was okay. I still had the difficult task of finding a place to live first.
I left the college feeling marginally better. At least that was a step in the direction of getting my life back on track. After hoisting myself into the van, I drove around aimlessly. I considered calling Slate to see if I could crash at his house, but
that would pretty much guarantee a conversation about why I didn’t want to go home and probably an appearance from Till when Slate no doubt ratted me out.
Eventually, I found myself in an all-too-familiar rental office, begging for the keys to one specific door.
AFTER MOVING TO MINNEAPOLIS, WE only spent a few months in a two-bedroom trailer before moving to an extended-stay hotel on the outskirts of Chicago. Finally, we landed a sweet, run-down house in the slums of Indianapolis. Such was my life. However, of all the places I would ever live, Indianapolis became the golden standard against which everywhere else would be judged.
When I turned sixteen, my father started letting me drive. I had no idea why he’d made me wait; it’s not like he took me to get my driver’s license or anything. But I definitely didn’t argue when he handed me the keys one night and asked me to go pick something up for dinner. And even though he didn’t offer a single penny in cash to pay for said dinner, I still snatched the keys from his hands and ran out that door before he had a chance to change his mind.
He and the step-witch loved alone time. And I loved not being there during alone time. There were some things that even a set of earbuds blaring Taylor Swift couldn’t cancel out. I took off at every opportunity I got.
With newfound freedom, I was able to branch out, and within a few weeks of being in the new city, I had actually made some friends.
True friends.
“Slumber party!” I yelled, dropping my bag onto the ground. “All right, which one of you is painting my nails?”
“Not me,” Max declared, swiping the pillow from my arms.
“Okay. Donna, you’re up,” I announced, handing her a blanket and a bottle of polish.
“Honey, I ain’t no damn manicurist,” she snapped.
“Well, you two suck. Worst BFFs ever.”
It was a total lie. They were the absolute best BFFs ever. Mainly because they were the only ones I’d ever had. Since the first night we’d literally run into each other on the street outside my favorite grocery store to shoplift from, they had always been there for me.
“You sign up for school today?” Max asked, opening the pizza box I had just deposited onto his lap.
“No. My dad’s an asshole.”
“They usually are,” he replied, offering the box for me to take a slice.
“No, you two go ahead. I have to watch my figure.”
“What figure?” Donna snarked before snagging a piece of pizza.
“I’ll have you know I have excellent boobs. It’s all the other stuff I have to worry about.” I rubbed my stomach and glanced over at Max, who was shaking his head in defeat. He hated it when we talked about girl stuff, but as the sole penis in our club for misfits, he had to deal with it a lot.
Donna rolled her eyes. “Fine. I’ll give you that, but some pizza on those hips wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
“Well, aren’t you in a mood tonight? What has your panties in a bunch?” I asked, motioning for Max to hand me a piece of pizza. I really was starving.
“Same shit, different day,” she answered, snapping her fingers until I passed her a napkin from my purse.
“No way. It has to be more than that.”
Max filled in the blank. “Her sister stopped by today.”
My eyes grew wide. “Oh my God. What the hell did that bitch want?”
“Don’t know. Don’t care. Just seeing her face was enough to ruin my entire fucking night.”
Max shook his head again, taking another piece from the box and saying, “You should have talked to her.”
“Oh hell no! I’m not talking to her. You think for a single second she feels bad about getting me kicked out of my own mother’s house? Horseshit. I know her better than that. She’s scheming for something.”
“Like what?” I whispered.
Donna’s family drama was exactly why I loved her so much. It was always something. I mean, I had a shit-ton of drama at home, but it was so much fun listening to someone else’s problems for once.
“Who the hell knows!” she yelled. “That witch is up to no good. I’m positive.”
“Good lord.” Max rolled his eyes, not nearly as excited to hear about Donna’s family issues as I was. “Ash, what’s your pops’s excuse for not letting you sign up for school this time?” he asked, changing the subject.
“No excuse. He just laid down the law.” I sucked in a deep breath, pulling my ponytail over my forehead in a mock comb-over, and put on my best Ray Mabie voice. “‘Ash, I said no. School will get you nowhere in life. Street smarts are what you really need.’”
“Well, he’s not wrong,” Donna said smugly, reaching for her water bottle.
“Oh, I forgot! I brought you guys a present!” I dug to the bottom of my overnight bag then revealed a bottle of vodka.
“Now we’re talking!” Max clapped.
“Where the hell did you get that?” Donna asked, dropping her pizza back into the box before snatching the bottle from my hands.
I shrugged. “Stepmommy dearest.”
“You don’t think she’ll notice?” he asked, taking it from Donna and twisting the cap off.
“Oh please. I’ll divide one of her other bottles into two and tell her she drank it the night before. She’s a dumbass.”
“Cheers to the dumbass!” he lifted the bottle in the air before tossing it back for a long pull.
Donna slapped him on the chest. “Hey, Ash scored that shit. She should have had the first shot.”
I curled my lip. “Ew. No, thank you. That stuff is nasty as hell. Give me some more pizza though.”
“Fair trade.” Max laughed, passing me the entire box and then tipping the vodka back for another gulp.
“All right, slow down.” I snatched the bottle from his mouth mid sip. “I’m not washing the puke off your clothes again. Besides, I brought some more cards. I have serious intentions of winning back my money from last week.”
He let out a loud laugh as I passed the bottle to Donna. “Oh lord, Ash. I spent my winnings about ten minutes after they landed in my pocket.”
I huffed. “Fine. I’ll loan you ten bucks, but I’m taking that back tonight. I still think you cheated somehow.”
“Nope. You’re the only magician around here, sweetheart.” He gave me a knowing glare that made me burst out laughing.
I’d hustled the shit out of him the first night we’d hung out. I’d immediately returned his money, but he hadn’t found it humorous in the least. Luckily for me, and thanks to Donna, I’d found out he had a soft spot for food and booze. It had taken me a full two weeks of “apologizing” to get back in his good graces.
“Laugh it up,” he said seriously, but an unmistakable smirk grew on his face.
“Oh, I will,” I shot back, almost falling over in hysterics.
Donna quickly joined me while Max sat watching us, unimpressed.
“Okay, okay.” I sat up before bursting back into laughter. I wasn’t even sure why I was laughing at all. But God, I loved that feeling.
Finally sobering up, I retrieved a deck of cards from my bag.
“Hey! Guess what?” I said as I began shuffling the cards.
“Hell no! Don’t try to distract me. I’m watching you to make sure you don’t stack that deck. You know what?” He reached forward, plucking it from my hands. “Let me shuffle.”
I laughed but willingly let him take it from me. “No, I’m serious. So, apparently, Ray’s wife has some kids. I overheard them talking about going to get the youngest tomorrow.”
“Wait. How long have they been married? And you are just now finding out that she has kids?” Donna asked.
“A few years. And I mean, I knew she had kids, but I just assumed they were all older. She doesn’t talk about them or anything. I know one of them is some big-time boxer, but the little one is only, like, fourteen.” I shrugged, taking the two cards Max had dealt me. “I think his name is Corey or something. Anyway, I’m freaking stoked. It’ll be fun having a litt
le brother.”
Donna quirked an eyebrow. “What if he’s an asshole like his mom?”
“No way. He’s gonna be awesome! I can feel it. I had a dream last night—”
“And here we go,” Max moaned.
“Shut. Up. Don’t be mad because I’m clairvoyant,” I lied.
I wasn’t even close to being able to see the future. I actually didn’t have dreams at all. Every night, I would fall asleep, but never once did my traitorous synapses fire off during REM, leaving me unable to dream. I’d tried though. Hell, I couldn’t even give myself a nightmare. I had always heard that dreams were inspired by a person’s emotions or real-life experiences, so I decided to make up my own. I had a sneaking suspicion that what I created was a hell of a lot more fun than the dreams my brain would have made. Loneliness and robbery probably didn’t combine to make glitter and unicorns.
“Trip Queens,” I said, dropping my cards.
Max let out a loud curse.
“Just be glad that was a warm-up.” I winked. “Anyway. This kid is going to be awesome. I can’t wait to introduce him to you guys.”
They both groaned, but it did nothing to suppress the giddiness I felt inside. Sure, he was a little younger than I was, but I was stoked about having some company around the house. A girl could never have too many friends, right?
FOR SIX MONTHS, I MANAGED to avoid my family. I’d wanted a fresh start, and that was exactly what I’d gotten. For the first two weeks, Till had blown my phone up with texts wondering where the hell I was. It had taken a month before Eliza had started messaging. I’d never engaged their conversations, but I had at least let them know that I was fine and okay. I understood why they were worried, but I was committed to my new life.
Alone.
I’d severed every possible connection they’d had to me. They didn’t know where I lived, and I had even stopped going to the physical therapy sessions Till paid for each week. Instead, I’d started working with one of the PT students at the college. It was only once a week, and I knew I needed more if I ever wanted to walk again, but my head and heart were what needed the most healing.
