by Niki Hager
Rigbee
Whiskey turns me into a badass dancing fool. I'm not even nervous right now; I would usually be freaking out. I'm moving my body like a boss up on stage and not thinking about anything else. "Fuck it." My new and favorite decision making process. My one thought before doing anything anymore.
I hear the announcer say something, but it's too faint in the background for me to make out. The pounding in my ears makes it hard to hear anything clearly.
When the first drops of cold water land on my face, I know what it is he said. It was time for the wet part of this wet t-shirt contest. I look above me to where the water pours down from an oversized shower head. It feels good, like it's washing all of the bad stuff about me away. The dirt, I guess you could say. It's washing all of my dirt away. If you don't count me dancing on a stage in nothing but a thin white tank top, while water pours down on me, so everybody else can watch and get hornier than they already are, "dirt".
The song ends, and the bright lighting on the stage dims dark. It ends as fast as it began, and I'm left to gather up my own shirt and head back to change out of the wet white tank they've provided.
Once I'm dressed, all of us girls who signed up for the contest are asked to get back on the stage so they can announce the winner. I scan the crowd for Enz and don't see him. I would have thought he would've been up front and cheering for me, but I guess not. The winner is picked by how loud the crowd goes for them. The spotlight hits me, and the place goes nuts. I won. I smile and wink to the crowd and walk away with swagger, but I don't feel as good as I thought I would because Enz wasn't there.
I've looked all around the main area for him, and I still don't find him. It's sobering to feel so utterly lost and alone, and I'm losing whatever high I was riding really quick. The pain of panic hits my gut like burning butterflies. While working its way up to my throat, my search becomes more frantic. Tears are beginning to form in the corners of my eyes when I see him walk through the front doors.
He shows his wristband to the bouncer, then casually walks in and goes over to an empty table where he takes a seat. He crosses his arms, sits back and stares at an empty beer bottle someone had left. He looks up when I sit down next to him.
"Are you done yet?" he asks.
"Yeah it's over. You missed it."
"I saw enough. By the way, when in the hell did you get your nipples pierced?"
I purposely ignore his condescending question.
"I won a hundred and fifty bucks!" I tell him excitedly instead.
"Good for you." he snaps condescendingly.
"What's wrong? And where were you?"
"I needed some air, Bee. You know, I'm so tired of this. You're not acting like you. It's like you've completely lost who you are. You're aware of your existence before there was any Roman, right?"
"Barely," I huff.
"I thought maybe going out would help you snap back."
"It is. I feel better. I really do. I didn't think about him once while I was up there dancing."
"Exactly my point, you shouldn't have to do shit like that in order to not think about him!" He's angry now.
"I'm working on it! This isn't easy, you know. But I am trying now, because of you pushing me out of my bed, I am trying. So thank you!" I say it angrily, but I honestly meant the thank you. "I have to do it a little bit at a time, but I swear those little bits will add up, eventually. It takes time to get over the love of your life."
"Yeah, I know." I know he's talking from experience. He loved Marty.
"Look, let's just go. maybe this was a bad Idea." Enzo confesses, defeat lacing his eyes.
"Absolutely not." I jump up aggressively and accidentally knock my chair backward to the floor. "I have more money than I came here with and we are going to spend it. And we are going to have fun. And we are going to dance. And we are not going to think about anything while we dance, except for whether or not my butt looks good in these jeans."
"What about the blond girl over there's butt? Am I allowed to think about her butt?" He points to a cute blond at the bar.
"Absolutely!" I shout, and throw my arms in the air.
"It's okay, you know. Maybe he was supposed to be your first mistake."
We're both lying down on our backs, facing the ceiling of our hotel room. With our arms crossed over our chests, we look like we belong in a couple of coffins instead of these hard as crap twin beds.
"First, in a long line of many, at this point."
"Have you learned from them yet?" He yawns and rolls over to face me."
"Doesn't seem like it," I admit.
"Sure you have. You've learned to deal. You learned you can beat the panics."
"You know nothing, John Snow." I roll over on my side, now facing him back.
"See, you're even quoting a badass Wildling, who also knew better than to wear a wishbone where her backbone needs to be. She knew she had to deal with her own shit before getting tore up over John Snow." He's pointing at me like he makes some great point.
"Yeah, and she still dies. And they never were able to really be together. Their love story was the absolute, most devastating, storyline in the entire show, and you're using it to try and what? Make me feel better? You really suck at this. What a terrible analogy." I start laughing at him, and then he joins in to laugh at himself with me.
"Guess so. I've never had to do this with you before. I don't have practice giving you love advice. Have a panic attack and I got you, but have a broken heart, and I spew grim analogies. Now you know to talk to Willow about girl stuff instead."
"I don't want to talk about it at all, to anyone. It hurts too much."
"It hurts because it happened. It was real, Bee. It hurts because it mattered to you. Don't give yourself up by pushing parts of you away. The less you talk about it, the less real it becomes, until it's all gone. I know it sucks now, but you're still going to want to remember someday. You'll remember how you once knew what a good love felt like."
"Well, Holy shit, John Snow, it looks as if you know a few things after all. When did you get so wise?"
"When did you become a topless dancer?" he shoots back.
I throw the remote at him. He throws it back but lacks any real effort.
"I missed my finals," I admit to him softly, as the embarrassment creeps in.
"Goddamnit, Bee!" he yells, then he puts his face in his hands and groans.
"I know."
"Listen, he didn't end up being the hero in your story. I get that. He's made his point. But, Bee, what you don't get is how it's going to haunt him, because you were his. You will move on, and you will find your hero someday and get your happy ending, and he'll still be dwelling on how he pushed his away."
"Enz?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you come over here and sleep with me tonight?"
"We've talked about this," he warns.
"Just to sleep. I could really use some cuddling is all."
He sighs. "Sure."
He shuffles over to my bed and gets in behind me. After a few seconds of trying but not getting comfortable, he gives in and puts his arm around my middle. It feels a lot like love. Unconditional and purely platonic. This is what the reality of my love story is right now. I decide I can live with that.
"I wasn't topless. If you would've stayed there, you would know." I clear my throat. "It was only a very wet tank top." The bed moves from the shake of his body as he silently laughs.
"And, Enz?"
"Yeah?"
"Happy birthday."
"Thanks, Bee."
"And, Enz?"
"Yeah?" he answers in a more reluctant tone.
"I got them pierced in Chicago when I went for the paintball thing."
He makes a loud groaning noise, face deep into his pillow.
"And, Enz?"
"For the love of Thor, shut up and go to sleep."
Finders Keepers
Make Out Kids- Motion City Soundtrack
Rigbee
I realized I deserved better. I had some help getting to my conclusion, but I did. From then on, things began to change.
I tried to get my grades back up, but the effort was too last ditch and I failed my classes regardless, so I signed up for summer. Classes start in a week.
It's been three weeks since the fire pit party that unleashed my ultimate pity party, it feels like it's been ages, though. The progress I've made just in the past week makes the pit party feel like a lifetime ago. It was a lifetime ago because it was a different life. A different me.
I'd like to say I didn't recognize the person I was being, but I'd be lying. The truth is, the pain she carries is still very familiar. The only difference is now I've chosen to still be the same person I was when I was with Roman, the me that I felt was true and the me that I like. Only this time, I can be her without him.
Before, I didn't think I could ever be her again. I thought she had to die when she lost his love, and maybe a part of me did, but why does it have to be exclusive?
I found myself when I was in Roman's world, so what? Finders keepers. I found myself so I get to keep myself. He doesn't lay the sole claim on me anymore. He chose to give the privilege away.
Meddling Mothers
Roman Holiday- Halsey
Rigbee
I'm sitting at home, watching TV alone and filling my face with cookie dough ice cream, when I get a call from my old neighbors who live next door to my mom's. They're a cute couple in their thirties who have always been nice to me. They are going on a second honeymoon and want to know if I can house-sit for them during their seven-day cruise vacation. Doesn't sound like a bad gig. I could use some time away from my apartment.
I arrive there the next morning to go over the details. It's pretty basic, they'll leave money for food and my job is to sleep there and take care of the dog. I definitely could use the money, and it's too easy of a job to pass up, so I take it without a second thought.
"I have concerns."
"Of course you do."
I'm sitting at the kitchen table at my mom's house the next day when she decides to have an opinion on the whole thing.
"I'm serious, Rigbee, the dog is bigger than you expected, and I see it outside sometimes."
"And?"
"And it doesn't wag its tail."
"You're concerned because you noticed the dog doesn't wag it's tail."
"A sign of a happy dog is a wagging tail, is all I'm saying," she stresses and crosses her arms.
"A sign of a happy daughter is a not nagging mother," I retort.
She rolls her eyes. "You don't have to get cute."
"Well, you're acting insane. You have to realize how bizarre that sounds, even for you."
"I'm calling Enzo and telling him to stay with you," she declares.
"Mom, you don't have to—"
"It's gonna happen," she interrupts.
"Fine. Whatever." I happen to know Enzo's out of town this week, so I go with it.
"Don't whatever me, your grandpa will agree with me, just you wait."
"Where is Grandpa anyway, I didn't see his car out there?"
"Doctors appointment. But when he gets back, I'm filling him in on this whole situation."
"Okay, geesh I get it."
Roman
When I see Rigbee's Mom's name flash across my phone’s caller ID, I answer immediately. I know Bee could be using her mom's phone to get ahold of me, knowing I won't answer her calls, but after this much time and with nothing left to say, I had a feeling in this case she wasn't.
So my next thought was her mom really is calling. So what reason would she have to call? Only if something bad had happened to Bee.
"Hello?"
"Roman?"
"Yeah, it's me, what's wrong? What happened? Is she okay?" I bark out.
"She's fine right now, sweetie. Settle down and take a breath."
"Christ, woman, you scared the ever-loving shit out of me, you know?"
"I see. I'm sorry for scaring you. I see now why you would've—well, never mind, for now, because I do have a favor to ask."
"A favor?"
"Yes, a favor. Don't sound like it's so awful of a thing."
"I didn't mean to … I guess I was just caught off-guard."
"Yes, well anyway, I know it's a lot to ask, and let me start off by saying I did in fact call and ask Enzo first." Because she's telling me what she thinks I want to hear, but I didn't. I don't think this woman knows much about asking favors if this is her idea of buttering me up. "But, he was out of town so he couldn't. The reason I'm calling is because Rigbee is at our neighbor’s for the week house-sitting, and I want you to go stay with her."
She wants me to go stay with Bee at their neighbors house for a week. No fucking way.
"The thing is, they have a dog I just have an eerie feeling about, and I would feel more comfortable if she wasn't alone."
"With all due respect, you do know we broke up, right?"
"Yes. Exactly why I called Enzo first." She says like duh.
"Right." I sigh. "Listen, I don't think it's a good idea. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to say no. She wouldn't want me there anyway, trust me."
"The dog doesn't wag its tail, Roman. Please think about it. She will be there until Friday if you change your mind."
She hangs up without another word. Well, that was fucking random. And what did she mean by the dog not wagging its tail? Weird.
Damn, I think I do know what house she's talking about. A couple of times we were there I remember seeing the dog. I only noticed because it's a Rottweiler and as big as a goddamn bear. Well, shit.
I can't sleep at all for the next few days. Knowing Bee is over there with such a beast has me in knots. What was she thinking agreeing to house-sitting there? Stupid!
"It's not your business anymore," I keep telling myself.
She's probably fine. She wouldn't do it if she wasn't comfortable. right? No. Of course not. She's not stupid. But why then would her mom feel the need to ask me to stay with her? She wouldn't have called me if she didn't feel it were absolutely necessary.
I go back and forth about the whole thing for the rest of the day until I can't take it anymore. I'm so conflicted, and it's tearing me up so I grab a quarter out of my pocket and do what I always do when I'm torn. Flip a coin.
"Heads, I go over to the house Rigbee is sitting for, and tails, I stay put and stop overthinking this shit." I snap my thumb and flip the coin. My stomach drops when I immediately hope it lands on heads. That's why coin tosses work so well. As soon as you flick the sucker in the air you know exactly what face of the coin you hope to see when it lands. All of a sudden you know what you didn't before, it was never a hard decision in the first place. It lands on tails. It doesn't even fucking matter now.
I get there around dinner time. I'm raising my hand to knock on the front door when I hear the back door open. I watch Rigbee walk out with the dog close on her heels. She's taking out the trash and letting the dog take a piss. She fumbles with the trash can lid, and when I hear her cursing I can't help but laugh. She looks up at me when she hears it. I watch in amusement as the look on her face transforms from general disinterest to the glare of the fucking Anti-Christ. Here we go.
She stops what she was doing and storms toward me, which I admit I was completely expecting.
"Did my mom call you?" She doesn't wait for me to answer. "I swear, damn woman is crazy! Next time I see her, we're going to have a talk about boundaries. Meddling mad woman. She is unbelievable," she mumbles to herself and then remembers I'm still standing here. "I'm so sorry she dragged you into this. You don't have to be here, you can go. And I promise I'll make sure she doesn't bother you again."
Okay, this part was not expected. She's not mad at me, but at her mom? I'm confused.
"I'm staying. I agree with your mom, you shouldn't be here alone, just in case. I'm sure you’re fine and there's nothing to worry about, but it's not a big deal, really." It is, a
ctually. "I'll stay in another room and leave you alone, if you want, but I'm not leaving now. I'm already here. Your mom wanted me here. I'm here. Just let it be and roll with it."
She stomps her foot because she knows there's nothing she can do about this, and some sadistic side of me gets aroused by her defiance. I smirk and discreetly adjust the strain against my zipper.
"Gah!" she groans and dramatically throws up her arms before storming back inside.
She barrels back out seconds later when she realized she forgot the damn dog.
"Come on, Bear." She pats her legs as she calls him. "Inside. Good boy."
Grunting, I mutter to myself, "Dog's name is Bear. Figures." I suck in a deep breath and follow his ass end into the house.
Stepping in, I catch a whiff of dinner and know right away she's making my mom's burritos. My mom had taught her the recipe a while back because they're my favorite. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.
Third Times A Charm Harm
Close- Nick Jonas, Tove Lo
Roman
I wake to the sound of Rigbee screaming, for the third time.
A Tuesday Tragedy
Dareh Meyod- O.A.R
Rigbee
Bear just got done eating his morning food. I really need a coffee; this dog has woken up crazy early all three mornings I've been here so far.
"Come on, boy, let's go potty," I say while yawning.
I say it twice while I pat at my legs, like I've done every other morning. Then, like every other morning, I go to pet him before walking out the backdoor.
Before I know what's happening, Bear's teeth are bared. His lips quiver with aggression, and he lets out a low growl. The growl turns into a shrieking bark when he launches himself at me. I quickly turn my back from him and squint my eyes closed in anticipation of what comes next.
Everything happens so fast. His teeth sink into me. He bites me hard and fast five times on my back. He wasn't getting a good grip and I see him turn his head to seize my shoulder. He's so close to my neck, and I know I have to do something before Bear realizes this too.
