by David Rees
CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS
Dear David,
Your artisanal pencil you sent me for free stabbed me in the neck. I am not happy with it. It is too sharp, too perfectly hand-shaped for violence, too much care and time was put into it to craft the prettiest, most arrogant pencil I’ve ever met.
I felt it sneering at me, laughing at my uneducated, unsophisticated idiocy and I had to stab myself in the … I mean, and then it stabbed me in the neck.
Unsatisfied customer,
SPIKE JONZE (filmmaker)
The hand-sharpened pencils sent to me by artisanal pencil sharpener David Rees are without a doubt the most efficient writing instruments in my collection. I use them both for business and for pleasure, as their sleek and elegant design coupled with their amazing sharpness help make me an object of envy at work and about town.
—MATT TAIBBI, investigative journalist
Of all the artisanal crafts, hat blocking, cobbling, and trolloping, I think I was most disheartened to see pencil sharpening relegated to the dusty bin of history. That is why I am so thrilled David Rees is picking up the reins of the forgotten art of manual point-crafting. I love my pencil!
—AMY SEDARIS, crafts expert
Looking back, I cannot believe that I spent so many years of my life mechanically sharpening my own pencils with pencil sharpeners. Truly, my life before I was presented with correctly sharpened pencils by an artisan was a dull and ill-sharpened void. Learn from my mistakes.
—NEIL GAIMAN, writer
A good friend was thoughtful enough to send me the gift of a David Rees artisanally sharpened pencil. I was blown away when I saw it. My wife and I proudly display it in our home. I have always been a pen man, but if you’ve got to have a pencil in the house, this is the pencil to have.
—PAUL F. TOMPKINS, actor/comedian
BEST SHARPENED PENCIL IN MY LIFE EVER!
—MIKE WATT, musician
Thank you for the artisanally sharpened pencils David Rees. They look very phenomenal. They were so sharp. I was so flabbergasted when I saw them. They were amazing. I was so astonished.
—BESS, 3rd grader
The university gallery where I’ve worked as director for over 20 years oversees an ambitious program of rotating art exhibitions and a permanent collection of over 7,000 art objects and artifacts. When I saw David Rees’s artisanally sharpened pencils, I knew immediately to buy one for my personal collection.
—CATHERINE TEDFORD, university art gallery director
My son knows how much I appreciate two things: fine art, and any form of writing that can be erased later if circumstances warrant. This led him to generously give me an Artisanal Pencil for Christmas. His gift, however, has burdened me with fears of miscalculation: Should I use it ceaselessly and without shame, grinding its point of perfection to dust? Or should I frame and mount my pencil as the fine work of art that it is?
—DOUGLAS K. GERMAN, actuary
As a craftsman and teacher I strive to show my students fine work; I believe it inspires them. Though I dare not use Mr. Rees’s superbly sharpened #2 pencil, I proudly use it as a talking point for showcasing fine work and supporting the exemplary craftsmen who endeavor to do it. Every time I see the careful attention paid to such a simple tool, I’m reminded to spend the extra effort to do my best work.
—TREVOR WALSH, model-making and
prototyping professor/hobby wood craftsman
David Rees carved away the wood that hides the graphite the way I need to carve away the fat that hides my ability to wear a bathing suit. Thank you for showing me the path, Rees.
—PATTON OSWALT, actor/comedian
My artisanally sharpened pencil is prominently displayed in my office. Students often ask why it’s there. The conversation often takes off in unexpected, interdisciplinary, and profitable new directions. Sociological: What place should handicraft occupy in the post-industrial age? Rabbinic: What is the meaning of work, and may one sharpen on the Sabbath? Aesthetic: How should we account for the surprising beauty of a properly sharpened $2 yellow pencil? Epistemological: Can the non-expert independently verify the sharpness rating (8/10, in my case) assigned by the artisan? Metaphysical: Is the pencil a “tool” if it remains on display; is it, say, what Heidegger might have called zuhanden (ready-to-hand)? In short, the pencil has provided many teachable moments. I highly recommend David Rees’s service to other educators.
—RON MOURAD, professor of religious studies
Your pencils are awesome! If I were a pencil I would pay a lot for you to sharpen me. They were very helpful for the (state standardized) test. Thank you! Your pencils are sharp!
—ALLEGRA, 4th grader
My home burned down and most of my belongings were destroyed. As we sifted through the rubble, to my delight, I found my artisanally sharpened pencil, still in its case, completely unscathed. Many professionals arrived quickly, ready to help, but none appeared to bring a writing utensil. When asked if I had a writing utensil, I would secretly rub the artisanally sharpened pencil hiding in my pocket. Thank you David.
—LESLEY A. HAUSE, advertising manager
I gave an artisanally sharpened pencil to my wife as a wedding present. The gesture touched her very deeply. Thank you, David Rees, for demonstrating the loving care and attention to detail that lends a touchstone to the abundance of hope and meaning in our simple lives.
—JEFFREY CREALOCK-MARSH, farm representative
Could I sharpen my own pencils? Sure, I could! I could also perform my own dentistry, cobble my own shoes and smith my own tin—but why not leave such matters to real artisans, instead? I trust my bespoke pencils only to David Rees.
—ELIZABETH GILBERT, writer
In contracting, they say a good carpenter is only as good as his tools and, paradoxically, that a good carpenter never blames his tools. The elemental tool in any toolbox is the pencil; it’s the one most often stolen on a job site. All projects begin with a pencil line. The accuracy of that line will incrementally lead to either the success or failure of a given project. I would never dream of bringing my artisanally sharpened pencil to a construction site—but it is a daily reminder that my tools are an extension of my professional self; they must be sharpened and maintained, as every mark reverberates into the future.
—GEORGE MANSFIELD, contractor
As a Canadian journalist, I can confirm that your pencil is useful in the real world of the Great White North. During a Manitoba winter, it’s impossible to take notes in pen, because the ink will freeze. Only a pencil gets the job done. When I tackle an out-of-doors interview, I know that the notes I take will be both accurate and complete. It is a journalistic axiom that the pen is mightier than the sword. Thank you, David Rees, for putting the pencil above them both.
—GRANT A. HAMILTON, journalist
You may think that sharpening a pencil is easy, but David Rees makes it look hard, and that makes all the difference.
—JOHN HODGMAN, writer
As a luthier building instruments for some of the finest classical guitarists in the world, my profession involves absolute precision to the 10th of a millimeter. This pencil, expertly sharpened by Rees, not only provides the accuracy required for my exacting tolerances, it is a companion in my artistic process. I find each use of the pencil to be an inspirational pleasure.
—STEPHAN CONNOR, luthier
It’s the sharpest pencil I’ve ever seen! It’s perfect!
—GAIL VASQUEZ, the author’s postal clerk
The artisanally sharpened pencils were absolutely flabbergasting! Question: What is your favorite tropical fruit?
—NAILAH, 3rd grader
HOW TO SHARPEN PENCILS
Copyright © 2012 by David Ree
s
Quotation from “Address to My Soul,” from Selected
Works of Elinor Wylie edited by Evelyn Helmick Hively,
copyright © 2005 by The Kent State University Press
All rights reserved
Melville House Publishing
145 Plymouth Street
Brooklyn, New York 11201
mhpbooks.com
eISBN: 978-1-61219-041-9
The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition of this book as follows:
Rees, David.
How to sharpen pencils / David Rees.
p. cm.
1. American wit and humor. 2. Pencils. I. Title.
PN6165.R44 2012
818′.602–dc23
2011053356
v3.1
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
FOREWORD BY JOHN HODGMAN
CHAPTER 1: Supplies
CHAPTER 2: Anatomy of the #2 Pencil
CHAPTER 3: Warm-Up Exercises
CHAPTER 4: Using a Pocketknife
CHAPTER 5: Using a Single-Blade Pocket Sharpener
CHAPTER 6: Protecting Your Pencil Point
CHAPTER 7: Using a Single-Burr Hand-Crank Sharpener
CHAPTER 8: Using a Multiple-Hole, Multiple-Stage Pocket Sharpener
CHAPTER 9: Decapitating a Pencil Point: Radical Treatment in the Service of a Greater Good
CHAPTER 10: Using a Double-Burr Hand-Crank Sharpener
CHAPTER 11: A Few Words About Mechanical Pencils
CHAPTER 12: Psychological Risks Associated with Pencil Sharpening: Assessment and Coping Strategies
CHAPTER 13: How to Use an Electric Pencil Sharpener
CHAPTER 14: Sharpening Pencils for Children
CHAPTER 15: Using a Wall-Mounted Hand-Crank Pencil Sharpener
CHAPTER 16: Novelty Pencil-Sharpening Techniques
CHAPTER 17: Mastering Celebrity Impression Pencil Sharpening (CIPS)
CHAPTER 18: How to Sharpen a Pencil with Your Mind
AFTERWORD
APPENDIX:
Wines That Taste Like Pencils
Recommended Web Resources
Pilgrimage Sites for the Pencil Enthusiast: A Checklist
Helpful Advice from the (St. Petersburg) Florida Eye Center’s Web Site, Reprinted in Its Entirety
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
For Margaret and Philip Rees,
the sharpest people I know.
The simple physical artifact
multiplies the power of the individual.
—Henry Petroski, “The Pencil: A History
of Design and Circumstance”
FOREWORD
BY JOHN HODGMAN
GREETINGS. My name is John Hodgman.
Look. I know it makes me a cliché. But I simply believe in artisanal products.
Whenever possible, I only buy meat that has been raised locally, murdered humanely, and sold in packages that have cool, contemporary, internet-style fonts on them.
When I eat cheese, which is often, I like knowing that it has been made at one of the many dairy farms that are near my summer retreat in Western Massachusetts. Not only am I supporting hardworking neighbors whom I do not know and will never meet, but also, when you eat a small production cheese, it’s like you can taste the very grass that the cow herself ate. And because I am a sophisticated person, thinking about the stomach contents of a cow does not make me vomit.
When I require a tea cosy in the shape of the great tentacled head of the dread god Cthulu, I turn to Etsy. I know I could save a LOT of money if I just went down to the Old Ones By Martha Stewart aisle at Target. But I’d prefer to get something hand-knitted by a quirky, tattooed lady hipsterprenuer from Bushwick.1
And it is true that I also live in Brooklyn, a true Artisanal City which, neighborhood by neighborhood, brick by brick, is being lovingly re-crafted by a thousand skilled gentrifiers, all working together to turn every bodega into a hand-milled denim boutique, every coffee shop into an antique cocktail apothecary, and every diner into a small-batch mayonnaise salon.
And even though I am no longer a professional writer2 I still enjoy a well-made pencil, lovingly hand-sharpened by a skilled craftsperson in Beacon, NY—not some Chinese teenager in a faraway factory.
Now, you may call paying a premium for such products the fancy of a deranged millionaire, and to some degree you’d be ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
But there is more to artisanal products than simple status flaunting and self-congratulation, as great as those things are.
These products connect us to a more intimate, more human economy. They return us to a time not long past when ALL food, furniture, clothing, and office supplies were made, fashioned, and sharpened by people we knew, no matter how terrible they were at it.
When I buy these products, I am not just consuming, I am supporting a philosophy and a community. I may not know each craftsperson personally, but I can have faith that that person is probably a well-educated, photogenic white person who probably doesn’t care all that much about sports. FOR US, BY US, as they say.
That is why I have always been a fan, admirer, and client of the renowned artisanal pencil sharpener, David Rees. If you have encountered his work, you know that there is just something special about a bespoke-point pencil. A Rees pencil offers something more, what Walter Benjamin called the aura of the authentic: the knowledge that Rees himself labored personally over your pencil, the pleasure in knowing that with every word you write and scan-tron sheet you fill out with your custom sharpened pencil, you are destroying his hard work, bit by bit.
But while the artisanal movement enjoyed something of a hey day in the heady, debt-fueled economy of the 2000s, we are now in a recession. You may wonder how a small proprietor like Rees can survive in an economy where people may not be able to spend $12.50 on a sharpened pencil, and maybe are just burning all their pencils for warmth, or to heat up a small cup of eraser soup.
That is when Rees reveals his true nature. For unlike SOME pencil sharpeners, he is not a rank capitalist. Rather, David is so committed to the craft that he would compromise his own sharpening livelihood in order to teach you how to sharpen your own pencils. Yes: he is literally giving his trade secrets away, by selling them in a book.
In the forthcoming pages you will learn everything Rees has learned about pencil sharpening. Not only will you learn the tools and techniques of pencil sharpening, but also its metaphysics.
For, like the Buddhists and some other people, Rees knows that it is the most menial of tasks that are often most profound.
Now, a quick word to those who think this is a joke.
There are those who say that Rees, formerly known for his political clip art cartoons, was just joking around when he became an artisanal pencil sharpener. But everyone who knows Rees and his sense of humor also knows that he is a person who takes EVERYTHING VERY SERIOUSLY.
Even when he was a cartoonist, he somehow found a way to make a comic strip about the war on terror not only hilarious, but also, rage provoking and cathartic. In a culture dominated by Internet snark and fatalism, David has always been unapologetically sincere. In refusing to be jokey and cynical about war, he showed that he is unafraid to demand simple human decency and peace on earth. You think this is the kind of guy who is going to settle for a dull pencil?
So yes. YOU WILL LEARN THE PROPER WAY TO SHARPEN A PENCIL in this book. No joke.
But more, it will be your introduction to a unique mind, a true craftsperson, and in my mind, a natural treasure.
But even if you do not follow his precise instructions, apron-tying precepts, and eye-wear recommendations, David hopes, and I do, that you will at least see this: while a pencil is about accepting that there is error in life, a freshly sharpened pencil is about starting over, and never ceasing to hope for—and work for—the perfect point. While that perfection may never be attained,
it is cowardly not to try.
You might as well use a felt-tip marker.
That is all.
1 Also the cyclopean architecture and impossible geometry of the Old Ones aisle at Target drives me INSANE.
2 As a famous minor television personality, I outsource all my writing duties to a team of children in Indonesia.
CHAPTER 1:
SUPPLIES
THE PENCIL SHARPENER’S TOOL KIT
Just as a chef always travels with his or her favorite knives, a professional pencil sharpener—or serious enthusiast—should always have his or her tool kit ready at hand.
Fortunately, the items needed for sharpening a pencil are not expensive: I bought everything I needed for less than $1,000. Most of my pencil-sharpening kit fits inside a handsome valise I found on the side of the road.
Here are the necessary tools for pencil-pointing. Do not attempt the craft without these items.
PENCILS
Pencils are crucial to our enterprise. Although it’s preferable for clients to provide their own pencils, you should always have some on hand for those who don’t.
Any pencil-sharpening kit should include a batch of unused #2 pencils.
SMOCK
After pencils, the most important element of my sharpening kit is my smock. A man wearing a smock, after all, is a man who means business.
Cleaning, ironing, and donning one’s smock before sharpening pencils is a bit of pageantry that prepares the mind for the task at hand. It’s especially helpful for live events in which multiple pencils are sharpened in sequence: Pencil sharpening is a dirty business.
POCKETKNIFE
A pocketknife is the most straightforward way to sharpen a pencil, if not the easiest to master.
