by David Rees
STEP THREE: STICKING A PENCIL UP YOUR NOSE
If you sense the children’s attention lagging, stick a pencil up your nose. If they seem bewildered, you can explain your behavior by reference to the sharpener in hand: “Recall that this piggy pencil sharpener works by inserting the pencil into its nose; I have done the same with my own nose. I’m being silly. React appropriately.”
(Children are famously undisciplined in their focus. In this photo, despite the follies unfolding before him, the male child has been distracted by the delicate shadow-play of leaves upon the windowpane.)
STEP FOUR: UPPING THE ANTE
If the children are too young to appreciate the goodwill and humor you are expending on their behalf, try smiling even wider and leaning slightly forward while pushing the pencil farther up your nose.2 These subtle actions should engage their attention more fully and increase the level of enthusiasm in the room.
(Sure enough, the male child’s attention has been reengaged; newly fascinated by the merriment on display, he is putty in my hands.)
Now that you have earned the children’s undivided attention, remind them that you are an adult and enjoy certain liberties they haven’t earned—which is why it’s appropriate for you to push a pencil up your nose, while the same behavior on their part would be irresponsible and dangerous. If there are adult chaperones in the room, shout, “Kids, you shouldn’t stick pencils in your nose because you could hemorrhage blood, damage your brain, or blind yourself.”
14.4: DEPLOYMENT OF UNSHARPENED PENCILS IN IMAGINATIVE PLAY BY CHILDREN (MALE)
USE OF PENCIL GAME-CONTEXT
Gun “War”
Sword “Sword-fighting”
Knife “Stabbing War”
Saber “Pirate War”
Missile “Geopolitical War”
Spear “Cave War”
Shiv “Jail War”
Magic Wand “Wizard War”
Guitar “Rock ’n’ Roll War”
Drum Stick “Noise War”
Regular Stick “Poke War”
Conductor’s Baton “Orchestra War”
Ceremonial Dagger “Human-Sacrifice War”
Trumpet “Jazz War”
Cigarette “Grown-Up Party War”
14.5: DEPLOYMENT OF UNSHARPENED PENCILS IN IMAGINATIVE PLAY BY CHILDREN (FEMALE)
USE OF PENCIL GAME-CONTEXT
Hairbrush “Community Hair Salon”
Pony “Pony Rehabilitation Center”
Magic Wand “Sparkling Ballet Princess Ecosystem”
Thermometer “Battlefield Nurse”
Breadstick “Italian Restaurant Waitress”
Ballpoint Pen “Office Businesswoman”
Unicorn Horn “Enchanted Forest”
Lipstick “Supermodel Training Academy”
Didgeridoo “Supermodel Ethnomusicologist”
Object of Arbitrarily Defined Value “Socially Mediated Dyadic Tension”
Baton “Parade”
Microphone “Singing Contest”
Flute “Jethro Tull Roleplay”
Wooden Ladle “Mommy Cooking Soup”
Baby “Baby’s Too Skinny”
Remove the pencil from your nose, wipe it clean, and set it aside.
STEP FIVE: PLAY-TIME IS OVER
Once you have charmed the children with your nasal whimsy, proceed to sharpen the pencil according to the technique outlined in Chapter 5. You can be certain of their continued admiration and undivided attention.
Remember to smile enthusiastically and often. Address the children by name.3
If your little admirers break your concentration during the sharpening process with questions, remind them that sharpening a pencil, while silly and fun, is also a somber practice that demands silence from practitioner and patrons alike. Instruct them to hold their questions until the pencil is finished, at which time they will be answered in order of oldest child to youngest child.4
STEP SIX: “JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL TO FETCH A BAG OF PENCIL SHAVINGS”
Nothing captures a child’s imagination like the sight of pencil shavings being deposited in a plastic bag. Do not deny your audience the thrill of this final flourish in the sharpening process.
If they seem confused by the shavings bag, or fail to recognize its significance, you can encourage their appreciation by announcing, “I have placed the shavings of the pencil I just sharpened for you in this bag. The sharpening process is concluded and our time together has come to an end.”
If the children’s visit was part of a school field trip, their teacher may be reluctant to allow them back on the school bus with freshly sharpened pencils. In this case, the tiny bags of shavings will suffice as a keepsake and a sentimental comfort in the twilit years of their old age. Tell them this.
Thank the children for sharing in your handiwork and escort them to the door, wishing them a happy day.
(Before they leave your workshop, emphasize to the children not to make a habit of accepting bags of unusual substances from strange adults.)
ANTIQUE PENCIL SHARPENERS: A REVERIE
An effective coping mechanism for sharpening-related stress is to imagine oneself holding a 1910 Bavarian eight-bladed Luna Pencil Pointer in a field as the late-afternoon sun caresses distant hay bales (left). Although these sharpeners now cost many hundreds of dollars, the cost of possessing one in your imagination is free, as I have proven with this photograph.
If one’s attention is flagging during long hours in the workshop, re-invigorate your practice by considering the impossibly complicated and intimidating Jupiter Pencil Pointer (ca. 1906), which allowed for dozens of different cutting blades (right). With such bracing daydreams can torpor can be banished, although new mental stresses may be introduced thereby—not unlike taking a cold shower on a crowded train bound for Armageddon.
1 If their children are home-schooled, an extended monologue about the Federal Reserve, the Zionist evolution conspiracy, and/or the vaccination mafia will likely result in a dinner invitation.
2 If you feel dizzy, you’ve pushed too far.
3 If you have forgotten the children’s names, refer to Table 14.1.
4 As older children generally ask more sophisticated questions, their younger peers will likely find that your answers satisfy their own unanswered questions, minimizing redundancy in the exchange.
CHAPTER 15:
USING A WALL-MOUNTED
HAND-CRANK PENCIL SHARPENER
FOR READERS OF A CERTAIN AGE, THE SIGHT (and sounds) of a wall-mounted hand-crank pencil sharpener is as powerfully nostalgic as the odor of tiny milk cartons, the heft of a chalkboard eraser, or the rap of an unforgiving teacher’s ruler across the knuckles.
Those happy days, alas, are long gone. Once ubiquitous in American schools, the “tin man’s trophy” is an increasingly rare specimen of pencil-pointing technology.1 Nowadays the familiar silhouette of a Boston or Sanford sharpener is more likely to cast a shadow on the wall of an abandoned classroom than an active one. If you encounter one of these devices in your wanderings and decide to use it, however, the experience can be profound.
Consider what follows a re-introduction to a set of skills that were likely central to your porfolio in the distant past, but now risk fading into the ledger of the lost arts. Let us turn our contemporary sensibilities to the wall-mounted hand-crank sharpener and rediscover what pleasures remain thereby.
Urban explorers make a habit of carrying a #2 pencil on their person in case they stumble upon a wall-mounted sharpener in one of the decrepit buildings they trespass.
There is an illicit thrill to using a long-forgotten wall-mounted pencil sharpener in an empty room, but even the most enthusiastic sharpening-adventurist should take care to think with his head, not with his pencil. Following these steps will ensure your adventure is a happy one, and that you will indeed “live to tell the tale.”
STEP ONE: ESTABLISHING VISUAL CONTACT
Scan the walls for pencil sharpeners. If th
e abandoned building is pitched in darkness, you can simply run your hands over the walls until you feel a pencil sharpener.
STEP TWO: INSPECTING THE DEVICE
Remove the casing to examine the pencil sharpener’s blades. If the sharpener has been abandoned for years, check for nests and other signs of animal habitation.
As long as the pencil sharpener has been protected from the elements, rust and rot should be insignificant. If these conditions are present, the application of steel wool, polish, and industrial lubricant may be appropriate.
15.1: COMMON LOCATIONS OF WALL-MOUNTED PENCIL SHARPENERS: A REFERENCE FOR URBAN EXPLORERS
Abandoned classrooms
Abandoned offices
Abandoned hospitals
Abandoned laboratories
Abandoned nuclear power plants
Abandoned grandparents’ basements
Abandoned garages
Abandoned libraries
Abandoned artists’ studios
Abandoned warehouses
Abandoned hippy houses
Abandoned baseball games
Abandoned lunar dioramas
Abandoned nursing homes
Abandoned shit-holes
Abandoned shopping malls
Abandoned boats
Abandoned vacation homes
Abandoned orchestra pits
Abandoned yoga studios
Grey Culbreth Junior High, ca. 1986
STEP THREE: PREPARING THE MECHANISM
Using a toothbrush, remove any wood shavings, graphite residue, or animal droppings. If an animal has made diarrhea on the sharpener blades, put on rubber gloves before cleaning.
STEP FOUR: OPTIMIZING THE SIZE HOLE
Once the blades are clean and the casing is back on the sharpener, adjust the sizing ring so the pencil is supported while inside the sharpener.
STEP FIVE: “THE BATTLE IS JOINED”
Gently guide the pencil into the sharpener while turning the crank to engage the cylinder blades. (The process is similar to that used with tabletop hand-crank sharpeners; see Chapters 8 and 10.)
STEP SIX: CALIBRATING YOUR EMOTIONAL RADAR
As you begin sharpening the pencil, be on the lookout for the reintroduction of any sensations you had forgotten in the years since elementary school: the slight vibratory shudder of the pencil as it makes its way further into the blades; the steady, raspy exhalation of steel and cedar as the blades rotate around the pencil to shape it; the sudden flooding memories of a childhood optimism that saw the future as a sunny unfurling and a limitless expanse of possibility and wonder in which you would always be the center of attention.
STEP SEVEN: EVACUATING THE PREMISES
As soon as you feel yourself overwhelmed by nostalgia and despair, hit the panic button and leave the area immediately.
WALL-MOUNTED SHARPENER: PLACEMENT LOWER THAN USUAL
It’s not uncommon to find wall-mounted pencil sharpeners in unusual locations. The reasons why are not for us to ponder; it will suffice to use these sharpeners as they were intended no matter the circumstances of their placement.
If you decide to use a pencil sharpener mounted near the floor, there are a few steps you should take to make the encounter as rewarding as possible.
STEP ONE: PREPPING THE WORK AREA
Clean the area around the sharpener of debris and dust. Even if you didn’t install the sharpener, your decision to use it means its immediate environment is now your studio and your responsibility. You should endeavor to keep it as neat and orderly as you would your own workshop. As you will be working in close proximity to the floor, it is in your interest to make it minimally filthy.
STEP TWO: GETTING IN POSITION (THREE OPTIONS) Option One: “The Model of Efficiency”
The quickest way to use a pencil sharpener located close to the floor is to bend at the waist and proceed in the traditional manner. Advantages to this approach include minimal contact with the floor, minimal restriction of arm movement, and a clear line of sight relative to the sharpener. Disadvantages include significant lower back pain and the subtext of indignity.
Option Two: “The Pose of the Supplicant”
Another option is to kneel on the floor while supporting your weight with your elbows. This allows you to keep your back straight; it also brings your head closer to the sharpener for purposes of monitoring and inspection. Advantages to this technique include greater arm stability and increased breath control. Disadvantages include slower reaction time to threats from behind as well as a stabbing sensation in the knees and elbows.
Option Three: “Keeping a Low Profile”
This is perhaps the most straightforward approach to using a sharpener mounted within six inches of the floor. Position yourself on the floor, lifting your arms to engage the sharpener. Advantages of this technique include having the sharpener at eye level. Disadvantages include the necessity of an area clear of obstruction equal to the length of one’s body, extended time getting into and out of position, difficulty placing the pencil in the sharpener, limited mobility, limited field of vision, minimal control over arm movement, neck strain associated with keeping the sharpener in sight, potential accumulation of floor-filth on one’s smock, and excruciating pain throughout the entire body.
WALL-MOUNTED SHARPENER: PLACEMENT HIGHER THAN USUAL
Wall-mounted sharpeners are sometimes installed beyond the reach of the average user. If you encounter such a device, try accessing it by standing on your toes, as pictured here. (Standing on one’s toes is an effective means of increasing one’s height, if only temporarily.) If you still can’t grasp the operational controls of the sharpener, it may be appropriate to make use of sturdy-ladder technology.
MNEMONIC POEM USED BY URBAN EXPLORERS TO DETERMINE WHETHER THE USE OF A LADDER IS REQUIRED TO REACH A WALL-MOUNTED SHARPENER
Can you reach it in your socks?
Can you reach it on a box?
No? Then get a ladder.
STEP ONE: GAINING ACCESS
Position a sturdy ladder underneath the sharpener, taking care to compensate for your position while using it. For example, if you plan to stand on the third step from the top of the ladder, make sure that step is a few feet to the side of the sharpener. This means you won’t have to lean too far forward or back to engage the device once you’ve climbed the ladder. Maintain your balance at the top of the ladder! There’s no need to “be a hero” when sharpening a pencil at this height.
I cannot overemphasize the importance of using a sturdy ladder. It should be reliable, of solid construction, free of imperfections, relatively new, and incredibly sturdy, like the one pictured here.
STEP TWO: ASCENSION
Climb the sturdy ladder. Maintain eye contact with both the sharpener (lest you lose track of it and then hit your head on your target) and the ladder (lest you fall off during your ascent).
STEP THREE: “BUSINESS AS USUAL”
Sharpen the pencil as usual, keeping your center of balance over the rung you’re standing on.
Do not use the pencil sharpener to support your weight. A pencil sharpener is no substitute for a sturdy ladder!
1 “Tin man’s trophy” is a common nickname for the wall-mounted sharpener because it resembles the scrotum of a mechanical man.
CHAPTER 16:
NOVELTY PENCIL-SHARPENING TECHNIQUES
EQUIPMENT CHECKLIST:
• Pencil sharpener
• Pencil (not pictured)
• Your imagination (not pictured)
THERE WAS A TIME WHEN ANY PENCIL sharpener (man or machine) was a novelty. Pencils as we recognize them have existed for centuries, yet it is only recently that pencil sharpeners have become so familiar as to lose the shock of the new.
For certain adrenaline junkies, this familiarity means a constant search for new, more radical ways of sharpening a pencil. Although one could criticize such thrill-seekers for not being content with the novelty of a well-hewn pencil that stands athwart history in our ag
e of automation and disposability, it is perhaps more rewarding to join in the hunt.
To that end, I present here a few novelty sharpening techniques—some old, some new—that will engage both craftsman and audience.
TECHNIQUE ONE: SHARPENING A PENCIL BEHIND YOUR BACK
This technique is said to have been inspired by Jimi Hendrix, the famous guitarist who reveled in outlandish and theatrical flourishes. One of Hendrix’s signature gestures, of course, was to play his guitar behind his head.
Some argue Jimi Hendrix had to resort to playing the guitar behind his head in order to distract people from the fact that he was a mediocre musician. I disagree. Jimi Hendrix was, in fact, one of the top 500 guitar players of the 1960s. His moments of behind-the-back exuberance were actually a celebration of his talent as well as a challenge to his audience: “If you think I’m not very good at playing guitar, how do you explain the fact that I’m currently doing so behind my head while dressed like a gypsy? No need to answer; just enjoy my interminable rock ’n’ roll guitar solo.”
One of the most difficult things about playing a guitar behind one’s head is that it’s impossible to see the strings, frets and buttons of the instrument while doing so. The guitar teacher who begins his first lesson with “Put this Les Paul behind your head,” is not to be trusted, as the technique requires a long-established comfort and familiarity with the instrument. The same is true for sharpening a pencil behind one’s back—and is why I don’t recommend this novelty technique for anyone with fewer than 200 hours of sharpening experience under his or her belt.
