He went on to explain how this kid he barely knew talked him off the ledge that night. Leo said he was a fucking jerk to him at first, but the kid didn’t flinch. He just sat beside him, and let Leo rant and rave, unloading all his anger, puking all his rage over the side of the tower. He yelled and cursed and carried on until the tears started flowing. Leo insisted that his life was saved that night by that young kid. He put his arm around him and just let him cry it all out, and by the time his tears had dried, he knew things were going to be okay. Then his new found friend helped him climb down the tower and they talked for another hour, right on the same picnic bench that he and Nora were sitting on.
“It’s pretty remarkable that he happened to be in the right place at the right time,” Leo shuddered, as though it still gave him goosebumps. “And that he wasn’t afraid to just hold on to me. How many young guys would do that?”
“Not many, I imagine,” Nora agreed, equally awed by Leo’s account.
“He’s still like that, you know. Just a decent, sensitive guy. To this day we’re still best buds. I would do anything for him. He never fucking judges me,” he observed humbly.
This was a side to Leo that Nora had not yet seen and it warmed her heart. His vulnerability softened him, making him even more desirable.
“I would like to meet him,” Nora pressed hopefully, kissing his hand.
He smiled at her, nodding his head gently.
“There’s more, you know, if you want to hear it?” he offered reluctantly, as if he was worried he was over-burdening her. She assured him that she wanted to hear the rest.
“I met Corrine that night, my wife,” he said flatly.
She could feel him stiffening beside her.
“My new buddy and I decided to go to a bush party up in the mountains, apparently half the kids in town were there, including his girlfriend who agreed to meet him there. He drove my car of course, because I shouldn’t have been driving in the first place. When we got there I was surprised by how many people seemed happy to see me. Everyone was friendly. Maybe they always had been and I was just so lost in my own fucking misery I couldn’t see it. One thing was certain, my eyes had been opened that night. Once I had decided to live, life invited me back with open arms.”
It often happened that way, Nora thought. How many times had she witnessed her patients transform right before her eyes? Once they recognized that their suffering was a choice, that they could just set it down and walk away from it. The epiphany was like a curtain being thrown open and light flooding in.
“Corrine was sitting by the campfire. The first thing I noticed about her was her smile. Honestly, it was like a beacon of light on a very dark night. She was at the party with some girlfriends who had all taken off with some cute guys. I gave my new friend an elbow to the ribs and made my way over to her,” he reminisced, his voice soft with memory.
He said that they hit it off almost immediately, him and the girl with the beautiful smile. They talked, laughed and teased each other until about 3:00 in the morning, until he was sober enough to drive her home. He dropped her off that night, more hopeful than he had been in a very long time. Leo didn’t think it had been a coincidence that she had been at the party that night, either. It was as though the universe, God, source, or whatever the hell you wanted to call that greater power, made sure that their paths would cross. He said she was like an angel that came into his life just when he needed her the most.
They fell madly in love and spent almost every free minute together. She inspired Leo to get his shit together, and he did. He graduated high school, and then went on to college, until he decided that he wanted to be a fire fighter. He switched gears because he felt called to the profession and wanted to be of service to others. He knew what it felt like to be rescued, to feel protected, and he wanted to do the same for people.
It seemed like everything was perfect. He and Corrine got married as soon as his training was done, on the very spot that they had met. They were both twenty-four, old enough to commit to each other. Leo would have done anything for her. Making her happy became his life’s ambition, because seeing that smile every day was the glue that kept him together. She was his everything.
He obviously needed Nora to know how much Corrine had meant to him, so that she would understand why he was the man he was now, but more importantly, how she had ripped out his heart and buried it where he couldn’t find it—where no one would ever find it again. Nora sat in utter silence as she listened to him finally pour his heart out to her, awed by his courage.
“I came home after a really long shift. There’d been a massive barn fire in the next county and our crew had been called in as back up. I had told Corrine that I would be crashing at the fire hall that night, but my lieutenant sent me home as soon as we rolled back into the station. I was exhausted and of no use to anyone, and he could see that,” he explained quietly.
Nora could guess what happened next, and felt her stomach tighten for him.
“She was in our bed with another man, I don’t know who, I didn’t know him. I told that mother fucker to get the hell out of my house and he grabbed his fucking clothes off the floor and walked right past me, his dick still hanging out. She didn’t say a word for at least fifteen minutes. I kept asking her questions, but she said nothing. She just kept her head down, afraid to look at me,” he muttered, forcing the words out. “I shed more tears than she did, I think.”
Leo finished his recollection by telling Nora that Corrine asked him for a divorce. She had fallen in love with the man in their bed and she didn’t want to be married anymore. That was it. No further explanation offered, in spite of his pleading. The next day she moved out, and Leo shut down. He couldn’t understand how he’d gotten it so fucking wrong. He had been completely blindsided.
It took many months, but eventually Leo started dating again. He was a popular guy in town, and it didn’t take long for women to start throwing themselves at him. They all thought they could save him, mend his broken heart and all, but he didn’t want that. He never dated a woman more than a handful of times, because he didn’t want them to get too close. He had a four date rule and stuck to it, mostly. He said he generally dated younger women because they weren’t looking for anything serious. Most of them just wanted to have a good time. Women his age were more discerning, they had higher standards. They usually pegged him as a player within the first few dates and moved on of their own accord. It wasn’t his style to string anyone along, so as far as he knew, he wasn’t hurting anyone.
Nora didn’t wholly agree with that statement, but she bit her tongue. In her professional opinion, Leo was ‘avoidance coping’ to escape dealing with his unresolved feelings. He had spent the past ten years in emotional isolation, stagnating his own personal growth. As desirable and charismatic as he was, when it came to interpersonal relationships he had the emotional intelligence of an 18 year old. In her personal opinion, he was a lost soul, a lovable guy terrified to love. Did he even think he deserved love? Nora had her doubts. So, was he hurting someone? Yeah, he was hurting himself.
She wasn’t judging him though. In many ways she related to his story. After Devon left she avoided dating like the plague, throwing herself into her studies instead. She gave the impression that she was just studious, but the truth was, she had been terrified to get hurt again. When it came to relationships, she was almost as stunted as Leo was, albeit in different ways. They actually had more in common than their differences, which was probably why they were so drawn to each other. Now that she knew his story, everything made more sense.
“She died you know,” Leo uttered, so quietly Nora barely heard him. “Corrine. She was in a car accident a few years after we split. My rig was the first on scene.”
Nora looked up at him, her eyes filled with compassion.
“Oh God Leo, how awful,” she gasped, reaching out to touch his arm.
“It really was. She was already gone when we rolled up, probably died instantly,�
�� he continued, “I honestly thought I was over her, but after she passed I grieved pretty hard. I don’t know, maybe there was a part of me that always hoped we would get back together. Her death was like instant closure, you know? Like a heavy, iron portcullis slamming down.”
Nora found his choice of words curious. A portcullis was a massive gate protecting a fortress, a pretty fool proof way to ensure no one could storm the castle. It had certainly been effective for him.
“I’m so sorry. I can understand why that would be painful, Leo,” she sympathized quietly.
He nodded dismissively, the way men do when they don’t want to appear fragile.
“I’m really proud of you,” she praised, gently nudging him. “I know that this isn’t easy for you.”
“It’s okay,” he assured, placing his hand over hers, “you make it easy.”
He leaned down and kissed her softly on the mouth, lingering long enough for the butterflies in her stomach to flutter. He pulled away and smiled at her, one of those sexy, tough guy grins that most women find irresistible. She leaned in for another kiss and he happily obliged.
“Thanks for listening,” he whispered, his smiling face only inches from hers.
She inhaled deeply, relieved that he finally opened up to her. She needed him to trust her, to let her in. She couldn’t see herself in any relationship that didn’t include open, honest communication. Earth shattering sex only went so far, and only half as deep.
“Always, Leo. You’re safe with me,” she promised, “no matter where you and I end up, I’ll always be a soft place for you to land.”
“Oh yeah?” he growled, “I like your soft landing places...”
“Well, what do you say we go home and put that hot tub to use?” Nora purred, putting her arms around Leo’s neck.
He nodded and kissed her on the cheek before sliding off the picnic table. She quickly followed suit, mindful of the splinters scarring the old wood.
CHAPTER 19
LEO
A few hours later, Leo and Nora lazily held each other, naked and exhausted on his bed. Their sex had been passionate, as it always was, but this time it was something else. Something Leo couldn’t quite put his finger on. Typically for Leo, sex was driven by a primal need, an urgency to fill that deep, cavernous hole inside himself, to feel a little less empty, even if it was only for a little while. If he was being honest, regardless of how good the sex was, there was always something missing. Today, as he held Nora in his arms, he felt protective, honest, and completely present. He was there for her, with her. Each kiss, every caress, was savored, even the taste of her was intimately sweeter. It was like he had been fucking all these years disconnected from his own body, his senses muted.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Nora chimed in softly, her fingers teasing the soft hairs on his chest.
“My thoughts have cost you a fortune today,” Leo chuckled under his breath, “I’ll give you this one for free.”
“Deal,” she agreed, matching his playfulness. “What’s on your mind?”
“It’s hard to explain,” he began tentatively, trying to articulate his feelings. “Remember last night, you said you were thinking about us, how to define us?”
He glanced her way, to see her reaction. Nora nodded, encouraging him to continue.
“I’m not sure how to define us either, but I know that I want to figure it out. I’d like to share more than your bed,” he confessed, lacing his fingers through hers.
He could see her looking at him from his peripheral vision, and hoped she was smiling.
“What do you think? Wanna go steady?”
She inhaled deeply, as though formulating her thoughts. Leo calmly waited for her response, knowing that after everything he laid on her that day, she deserved his patience.
“I think we can definitely talk about it,” she finally stammered, her tone heavy with thought.
Leo smiled softly to himself, pleased enough with her response.
“I’m having a small get together at my place next week, Thursday night. Some of my brothers from the department and their wives are coming for a barbecue and a few beers, nothing formal. My buddy will be there too, the one I told you about this morning. We don’t get together often because of his schedule. I’d like you to meet him. Do you want to come?” he asked, shifting his body to face her.
Nora offered him a nervous smile, nodding her head tentatively. She looked hesitant.
“What is it?” Leo asked, wondering if he said something wrong.
“Nothing,” she assured, her expression suddenly more confident, “I’d like to meet your friends.”
Leo let out his breath, relieved, and gave her a gentle kiss.
“I realized this morning that I’ve been protecting my heart for so long that I have no idea how to be vulnerable with someone. I hadn’t really given it much thought, to be honest, until you came along and knocked some sense into me, literally,” he grinned, recalling the first night they met.
“You’re the first woman since Corrine that I could maybe see a future with, and I also know you’re the kind of woman that won’t tolerate any bullshit. But I need to take this slow. I promise it’s going the right direction, but I can’t change overnight,” he offered genuinely.
He needed her to understand. He didn’t want to lose her, but he was also scared shitless.
“It’s okay, Leo. I understand. I need time to process all this too. One day at a time, okay?” she soothed, gently caressing his face.
He breathed a sigh of relief as she proved, one more time, that she was worth trying for. He leaned his forehead against hers, closing his eyes and they stayed that way for several minutes, as though trying to absorb each other’s thoughts.
“You must be starving,” he jumped in suddenly, aware that they hadn’t eaten in hours. His stomach growled angrily at him.
“I am,” she purred, sliding her hand down his chest. She gripped his cock forcefully, grinning at him.
“Do you mind?” she asked innocently, winking at him.
“Help yourself,” he offered shamelessly, rolling over on his back. Nora’s girlish giggle was quickly stifled as she pulled his cock into her mouth.
CHAPTER 20
NORA
The entire weekend had thrown Nora for a loop. She had hoped that she and Leo would connect on a higher level, and that he would reveal a different side to himself, but she’d had her doubts, especially after the first night. She couldn’t have been more proud of him. It had to have been really difficult for him, digging so deep. But, after their conversation Saturday morning, he seemed so much lighter, happier. The rest of the weekend was like a dream. He was much more affectionate and attentive than usual, and that meant a lot to her.
As much as Nora liked the ‘new’ Leo, she was cautiously optimistic. She needed to let everything settle down before jumping to happy conclusions, especially since her heart was being pulled in two directions. She was genuinely touched by Leo’s story, and how vulnerable he’d allowed himself to be. She finally saw a crack in his tough demeanor and could see glimpses of a possible future with him.
But she also saw a future with Gage.
She knew that she had to make a decision, but it wasn’t coming easily. With Gage, intimacy came so effortlessly, but the passion didn’t. With Leo the passion came easy, but intimacy was a constant struggle. Sure, he allowed himself to go there over the past weekend, but he admitted himself that he needed time, and that true change would be slow in coming. Nora had worked with enough commitment-phobic patients to know that sometimes change was easier said than done, and that once reality hit home, many of them ran the risk of running back to the safety of their cocoons. Nora had no interest in being Leo’s therapist or trying to fix him. She needed him to be able to stand on his own two feet and be a strong partner for her.
The time was fast approaching to have an honest and revealing conversation with both men. If she was developing loving feelings, chances were they mig
ht be too. She needed to make a choice before things went too far. She was especially worried about Leo. She didn’t want to crush his heart again, especially when he was just beginning to heal. And Gage, sweet Gage. She couldn’t imagine letting him go either. She could only hope that after her date with Gage on Tuesday, and after meeting Leo’s friends on Thursday, that her heart would reveal the truth she needed. Both men had asked her for something more, and she needed an answer for them.
* * *
She hadn’t been with Gage in over a week and had been looking forward to seeing him. She had missed him, and his sentimental texts had added to her longing. When he arrived at her place, part of her hoped that he would be so consumed with passion for her that he would rip her clothes off, push her against the wall and fuck her before they even said hello.
Of course, that didn’t happen. In true Gage fashion, he came in being as polite and shy as ever, waiting for her to initiate sex. She felt like they were at square one again, and although the sex was pleasant enough, good even, it frustrated the hell out of her. She thought they were past all that. She had completely understood, even appreciated, why he wanted to take things slow with her in the beginning, but they had already sealed the deal, so his modesty was confusing, and frustrating.
After they made love, they ate their dinner on the couch, chatting quietly about their week. The Kings were in the wild card race for the Western Division and had a 3-1 record on their last road trip. Gage was killing it in net. Nora listened attentively to his hockey tales, but was not overly talkative herself.
On paper, Gage had everything she could ever want in a partner, he was amazing, but she wondered just how compatible they were physically. As shallow as it sounded, it was important to be on the same page sexually. While she wasn’t into crazy, kinky shit, she wasn’t conservative either. Gage seemed to be a very traditional guy, and that weighed heavily on her mind.
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