by Louth Nick
Table of Contents
Cover
Publishing Details
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About the author
Chapter One: Sticking with it for Good or Ill
Friday 1st April 2005: An unusual attachment
Monday 4th April: Investing at a run
Wednesday 6th April: Taxing conversations
Tuesday 18th April: Gone with the windy
Wednesday 4th May: Spirals at Spirent AGM
Friday 10th June: Hobnobbing again
Sunday June 12th: Incandescent about split-caps
Thursday 7th July: Bridging the divide
Monday 1st August: Peter’s perfect portfolio
Tuesday 9th August: Public spectacle
Wednesday 10th August: Paying dividends
Chapter Two: Book Fair at St. Simeon’s
Saturday 13th August: Crackerjack pencil
Wednesday 31st August: Hurricanes galore
Tuesday 6th September: The quote arrives
Thursday 29th September: Porridge portfolio
Tuesday 4th October: Intruders in the Hornby drawer!
Saturday 8th October: Peter’s boasting
Wednesday 19th October: Simple Simon says
Friday 21st October: Wall Street beckons
Monday 24th October: Vindication
Saturday 5th November: Bonfire of the sanities
Sunday 6th November: Research department
Tuesday 6th December: Inspiration and discipline
Christmas Eve 2005: Cutting down the costs
Chapter Three: Yuletide Misery
Christmas Day: Buzzards and sporrans
Boxing Day : Seconds out, round two
Tuesday 27th December: Salad cream days
Wednesday 28th December: The trend is your friend
Thursday 29th December: Bovis and Butthead
Friday 30th December: Blessed peace
New Year’s Eve: Time for a fresh start
Chapter Four: Below the Belt
Tuesday 3rd January: New Year, new chances
Wednesday 4th January: The boxer rebellion
Thursday 5th January: Teatime torment
Friday 6th January: Smalls and shorts
Monday 9th January: A quiet word
Tuesday 10th January: Mum’s the word
Wednesday 11th January: Inequitable Life
Chapter Five: Happy Discovery
Thursday 12th January: Hidden gold
Friday 13th January: Digging for victory
Thursday 19th January: Beating the system
Friday 20th January: They’re back
Monday 23rd January: Toby or not Toby, that is the question
Chapter Six: The Curse of Marconi
Tuesday 24th January: Telent scout
Wednesday 25th January: Sniffing out the truth
Thursday 26th January: Hippopotamus manoeuvres
Chapter Seven: Striking it Rich – For a While
Friday 27th January: Home, home on the range
Monday 30th January: Returning to the nest
Tuesday 31st January: Shareholder value
Chapter Eight: Qinetiq Energy
Friday 3rd February: Cholesterol capers
Saturday 4th February: Gift horses examined
Monday 6th February: Frantic for Qinetiq
Wednesday 8th February: Hells Bells
Chapter Nine: Losing Direction over Compass
Tuesday 14th February: Performance anxiety
Wednesday 15th February: The morning after the fright before
Tuesday 21st February: Power surge
Chapter Ten: An Arresting Experience
Wednesday 22nd February: Driven to distraction
Thursday 8th March: The wheelie thing
Saturday 11th March: Key of life
Chapter Eleven: Feeling the Digital Revolution
Saturday 18th March: Chinese paper torture
Sunday 19th March: Fears and prostration
Tuesday 21st March: Prostate Awareness Week
Wednesday 22nd March: Budget day
Friday 24th March: The NHS digital advance
Chapter Twelve: Anno Domini
Wednesday 29th March: No such thing as a free lunch
Thursday 30th March: Queen’s Gambit
Friday 31st March: Birthday neglect
Saturday 1st April: Wrong kind of birthday coach
Chapter Thirteen: Perfect Peter Advises
Sunday 2nd April: Dinner at the Edgingtons
Monday 3rd April: Builder’s bum
Tuesday 4th April: Team coach
Chapter Fourteen: Getting out the Calculator
Wednesday 5th April: Down to business at Hell’s Bells
Thursday 6th April: A-day
Friday 7th April: Fabulous discovery
Chapter Fifteen: Unwelcome Interruptions
Saturday 8th April: In the forests of the night
Tuesday 11th April: Mr Annoying calls
Wednesday 19th April: Mooning for profit
Friday 21st April: Cyst assistant
Saturday 22nd April: Mills and Boon
Chapter Sixteen: The Conquests of Harry Staines
Wednesday 26th April: Money talks
Thursday 27th April: Heinkels over Isleworth
Tuesday 9th May: Keeping up with the Joneses
Wednesday 10th May: I told you so, at the Ring o’Bells
Thursday 11th May: Black widow rituals
Friday 12th May: Edgington vindicated
Chapter Seventeen: Riding the Correction
Monday 15th May: Plunging markets
Tuesday 16th May: Better late than never
Wednesday 17th May: Humbug and humous
Friday 19th May: In for a pounding
Saturday 20th May: Key reversal
Tuesday 23rd May: Qinetiq lethargy
Chapter Eighteen: Heavy Breathing
Thursday 1st June: Who dares, whinges
Friday 2nd June: Yorkshire terror
Wednesday 7th June: General samosas
Chapter Nineteen: Dead Cat Bounce
Tuesday 13th June: Nine lives not enough
Wednesday 14th June: Spirent spirals
Friday 16th June: Coach and hearses
Chapter Twenty: In for a Penny, In for a Pound
Wednesday 21st June: Penny stocks, pounding losses
Thursday 22nd June: Bernard’s lost notes
Friday 23rd June: Coach party
Saturday 24th June: A vision in beige
Tuesday 27th June: Martin Gale in action
Chapter Twenty-One: Waving the Flag
Thursday 29th June: FTSE leads the way
Friday 30th June: Yank the chain
Saturday 1st July: Re-education camp
Monday 3rd July: BAE ringmaster at Airbus circus
Friday 7th July: Vic and the vixen
Monday 10th July: V or W, £600,000 question
Chapter Twenty-Two: Political Correctness
Wednesday 12 July: FTSE leads the way
Thursday 13th July: Shopper’s revenge
Thursday 14th July: The bloody O’Riordans
Friday 15th July: Slow coach
Chapter Twenty-Three: Bat out of Hell
Monday 17th July: Batty Dot proved right
Tuesday 18th July: Birthday bash
Wednesday 19th July: Rabid reaction force
Thursday 20th July: O’Riordan
Friday 21st July: Hawaii do I bother?
Chapter Twenty-Four: B
ernard gets Swiss Rolled
Monday 24th July: Geneva believer
Tuesday 25th July: Don’t know which way to turn
Wednesday 26th July: Guys and doles
Chapter Twenty-Five: Special Delivery
Thursday 27th July: Not so Royal Mail
Friday 28th July: Pridgeon post
Saturday 29th July: St Austell here we come
Chapter Twenty-Six: Laptop Dancing
Tuesday 1st August: Priceless
Thursday 3rd August: Trouble in the garden of Eden
Friday 4th August: Revenge of the hippo
Sunday 6th August: Prawn free
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Quite Contrarian
Monday 7th August: Pig in a pipe
Tuesday 8th August: Ginger nuts
Wednesday 9th August: iSoft in the head
Thursday 10th August: Bingo wings
Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Bournville Ultimatum
Friday 11th August: Spiralling higher
Saturday 12th August: Men are from Mars, women from Nestlé
Monday 14th August: The Plastic Pol Pot
Tuesday 15th August: Councils of despair
Wednesday 16th August: Astrid travel
Chapter Twenty-Nine: One Man Went to Mow
Thursday 17th August: Sign on the dotty line
Friday 18th August: Milk float punt
Chapter Thirty: Angel Cake
Saturday 19th August: Dot’s lucid moment
Sunday 20th August: Danish tasty
Monday 21st August: All over Tanfield
Chapter Thirty-One: Bernard Begins Hedging
Tuesday 22nd August: Tesco tongue pie
Wednesday 23rd August: A bruised portfolio
Chapter Thirty-Two: Obstinacy on the Dot
Friday 1st September: Airfix unstuck
Saturday 2nd September: Dotting the eyes, crossing the teas
Sunday 3rd September: Curdistan invaded
Monday 4th September: Mum’s the word
Chapter Thirty-Three: A Heroic Act
Tuesday 5th September: Penny wise, pound foolish
Thursday 7th September: The mystery of Clive
Friday 8th September: Edgington torment
Thursday 14th September: Romance beckons
Friday 15th September: Queuing for the Stelios
Saturday 16th September: Homage to catatonia
Sunday 17th September: French resistance
Monday 18th September: Shop now, calculator
Wednesday 20th September: Plaudits for Bernard
Saturday 23rd September: Saturday night dive
Chapter Thirty-Four: Citizen’s Arrest
Sunday 24th September: Concussion discussion
Monday 2nd October: Poker in the eye
Thursday 5th October: Spirent torments
Wednesday 11th October: Excessively possessive
Chapter Thirty-Five: Rich Man, Poor Man
Friday 13th October: A taxing conversation
Saturday 14th October: Full messy jacket
Tuesday 17th October: Gale of havoc
Chapter Thirty-Six: Differently abled
Tuesday 24th October: Senile delinquent
Wednesday 25th October: Crumbs away
Friday 27th October: St Trinian’s Technology College
Saturday 28th October: Chocolate devaluation
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Orchard pillage
Sunday 29th October: Investing in disability
Tuesday 31st October: Incendiary rules
Wednesday 1st November: Losing a fortune on Fortune
Chapter Thirty-Eight: Going to War for Love
Thursday 2nd November: Assisted passage
Friday 3rd November: Brownfield planning blues
Saturday 4th November: Going like hot cakes
Chapter Thirty-Nine: Up in Smoke
Sunday 5th November: Penny for the Bernard
Monday 6th November: Follow the money
Wednesday 8th November: A heart judged on a pear tree
Chapter Forty: Saving Mr Kipling
Friday 10th November: Airfixed up
Friday 17th November: Bernard’s first ten-bagger
Tuesday 14th November: Planning oversight
Chapter Forty-One: Flight of Angels
Monday 4th December: Quornered
Wednesday 13th December: Party time
Thursday 21st December: Raiders of the lost cause
Friday 22nd December: Rendezvous with destiny
Christmas Eve: Joining up the Dots
Publishing Details
First published in Great Britain in 2007 by Ludensian Books
www.ludensianbooks.co.uk
85 Linden Walk
LN11 9HT
9780857193865
Copyright © Nick Louth 2006-2014
www.nicklouth.com
The right of Nick Louth to be identified as the author has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book can be obtained from the British Library
All rights reserved; no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of the Publisher. This book may not be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without the prior written consent of the Publisher.
No responsibility for loss occasioned to any person or corporate body acting or refraining to act as a result of reading material in this book can be accepted by the Publisher or by the Author.
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between the characters herein and real persons living or otherwise is purely coincidental.
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About the author
Nick Louth is a financial journalist, author and investment commentator. He is a former Reuters correspondent, and a regulator contributor to the Financial Times, Investors Chronicle and Money Observer. Nick Louth is married and lives in Lincolnshire.
Nick Louth is the author of:
Multiply Your Money
Bernard Jones and the Temple of Mammon
Dunces With Wolves: The third volume of the Bernard Jones Investing Diaries
Bite
Hearbreaker
Visit Nick Louths' author page here: http://www.harriman-house.com/authors/profile/nicklouth/6214
Chapter One: Sticking with it for Good or Ill
Friday 1st April 2005: An unusual attachment
All Fools’ Day. In five minutes’ time it will be exactly 62 years ago to the minute that I, Bernard Jones, forced his way into an ill-prepared world with a yell, a kick and an unexpected shock of hair. Of course that was the last thing to be seen by the midwife, because following a long Jones family tradition I arrived breech first. Though I wouldn’t know it for years, this delivery was merely the preparation for a career in the Ministry of Defence where everything is deployed arse-about-face, from the launching of warships, the ordering of radar for Nimrod reconnaissance aircraft, the Bowman infantry radio, right through to the self-adhesive floor tiles at the Admiralty. The joke ran that Sir Douglas Gattingford, who was supposedly on temporary attachment, was certain to become the permanent secretary after spending 40 minutes trying to extricate his crêpe soles from the stationery office floor.
Still, all that was four years ago. Early retirement, without the long grinding commute to Charing Cross, and the well-rehearsed mutterings and imprecations about punctuality, should have allowed me a little luxury: a lie in, the Today programme on Radio 4 at 8am rather than Farm
ing Today at six, a relaxed cup of tea and a slice of toast heavy with Frank Cooper’s thick-cut marmalade. Best of all, a chance to read the Telegraph without having to fold it fifteen times, without having to wedge myself between a witless 7’ teenager, wobbling to the tzzz-tzzz-tzzz from his earphones, and some dumpy perfume-drenched VDU operator from Penge decked in more gold chains than Haile Selassie.
I had really looked forward to the days when I no longer had to overhear at 7.45am the mobile phone conversations of 19-year-old shop assistants, pallid breasts bulging out of their mis-buttoned blouses relaying the night’s carnal capers: “No, Tania, that was Geoff. Last night was Chris. Eh? No, Chris from accounts. Nah, I wutunt touch ’im from the ware’ouse. ’Ee gave Natalie chlamydia ….”
The prospect of early retirement seemed so wonderful, so enticing that the reality hit hard. You see it was only then that I discovered, or rediscovered, that I was married to a woman called Eunice whose demands are every bit as unreasonable, tedious and repetitive as those of the MoD. Now I’m home, it’s my job to let Hermès (the cat) in when she cries outside in the morning. What time is that? Quarter-to-bloody-six, that’s what time it is. Then the ungrateful animal swaggers past me, casts a dismissive glance at the highly-expensive nutritionally-balanced Moggymix Breakfast Biscuits I have put out for it and then runs upstairs purring like a dynamo to jump on the bed next to Eunice.
So I often end up listening to Farming Today anyway. Once I’m up, then I might as well make a pot of tea, because Eunice will be awake, grumbling that my “tutting and harrumphing” about the cat had woken her too. As the years go on, I find that I’m sleeping less, so the lie-in has become pointless. Today was a case in point. Brought up a mug of tea to Eunice, couldn’t get back into bed without turfing out the cat. Merely suggested that we get a cat flap, so the animal could come and go as it pleases.
“No, Bernard, really. If you build a cat flap you’ll get every tom, puss and moggy coming into the house. You know how Hermès gets bullied by that ginger monster from over the back.”
Eunice turned to stroke the cat’s belly, while it waved a paw coquettishly. “Poor Hermès. You wouldn’t even feel safe on Mummy’s bed any more, would you, darling?”
“She’s a cat, for Christ’s sake! A killing machine refined over ten million years of evolution with teeth and claws for ripping and tearing flesh. There is nothing in the DNA of a sabre-toothed tiger that says some poor bloody caveman had to get up at a quarter to six to give it a saucer of milk and a cuddle.”
