Lennon snorts. “Dude, you know I pretty much invented that word as a response to concerned brothers, right? Someone else might buy your bull, but it won’t be me.”
I glance over at my brother, noticing how much better he’s looking. He’s put on some weight and his eyes seem to have lost that dark, hopeless note. For now, at least.
“What do you want me to say, Lennon?”
“I want you to tell me what’s bothering you.”
You tried to kill yourself six months ago, I think. It was always my job to protect you and I failed. And I don’t know how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Oh, and Dad, the man I worshiped, lied to me about you and about mom our whole life.
“You know what’s bothering me.”
Lennon leans forward, resting his elbows against his knees. “Just because I know doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it.”
I just shake my head. The last thing my brother needs is someone pouring their garbage on him—he has enough of his own to deal with. If I’m going to vent this shit to anyone, it won’t be Lennon.
He watches me for a long time before sighing. “All right. I just wanted to see how you were before Levi gets here.”
I look up, my eyes narrowing. “You know that Levi is coming over?”
Lennon shrugs. “He asked me to meet him here. Apparently he has something he wants to talk to us about.”
“The band.” It’s not a question, and he doesn’t respond. I stifle a groan. The last thing in the world I want to talk about—except for those thoughts I had just hidden from Lennon—is the band. If there’s anything that can make my shit day worse, it’s this. “I thought we were taking a break.”
“We have that conference call next week.”
That doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m already dreading the conference call. My brothers rarely contribute anything when it comes to these talks with the label, and my mind certainly isn’t in the right place to deal with it on my own.
Plus, I’m pretty sure my dad will be on the line.
Before I can worry about it anymore, I hear the sound of loud female laughter as someone opens the door. Karen is here. Which means —
“Hey, boys.”
Lennon turns around. “Levi, dude. What’s up?”
Levi groans. “Oh, God. You have it so bad, Len.”
“What are you talking about?”
Levi pulls up another chair, pointing at Lennon. “That face. You’re like, giddy. Things are going good with Haylee, I take it?”
“Leave him alone,” I mutter. Out of the corner of my eye I see them sharing a glance. Probably rolling their eyes.
“Nice to see you, too, Reed,” Levi says.
“You just saw me,” I mutter. “We were in New York less than a week ago.”
“And I’ve missed your sunny disposition so much since then.”
“Why don’t you just tell me what you want,” I say. “I mean, that’s obviously why you’re here, right? Why you got Karen to call Paige about going out—”
Levi’s voice is much sharper than normal when he interrupts. “I didn’t get Karen to call Paige,” he snaps. “Karen called Paige because she’s her best friend and she knows Paige is having a hard time.”
Shit. A silence settles over the patio and I can feel both men looking at me. “She told Karen that?” I ask, my throat dry.
Levi snorts. “She tells Karen everything.”
I bring my glass to my lips. I need to get my shit together. Paige doesn’t deserve this.
And I don’t deserve her.
I push the terrifying thought away. “Can we just talk about whatever it is you’re here to talk about?”
Levi doesn’t answer, except to pull out his cell phone. “Let me just get Cash on the line.”
“You’re calling Cash?” I ask, a new weight of worry settling in my gut. What the hell does Levi need to say that requires talking to all three of us at once?
“What’s up, asshole?” Cash’s voice booms out from Levi’s phone and Lennon laughs softly.
“Hang on,” Levi says. “Let me just flip the camera.” He holds out his phone and I turn my head to see my brother’s face smiling out at us.
“Lennon,” Cash says. “You’re looking good, bud. Getting some agrees with you.”
“You know what I’ve been missing, Cash? Your signature brand of tact and sensitivity.”
“Where’s Reed?” Cash asks. “Or could you not get the grumpy bastard to agree to talk?”
Levi hands the phone over to Lennon, who tilts it in my direction. Cash makes a face at me. “You look like hell.”
“Thanks, ass.”
“I take it Levi told you?”
I glare over at our tour manager. “Told me what?”
“Band meeting, big brother. We’re all going to Daltrey’s house.”
I turn to Lennon. “You knew about this too?”
Lennon shrugs. “Levi just told me.”
I pretty much always feel angry these days, a slow, simmering rage that bubbles just below the surface. Now I feel it burning hotter, the edges of it sharpening. “So you all got together behind my back and planned this?”
Cash rolls his eyes. “Stop being such a drama queen.”
I ignore him, glaring at Lennon. “And then you show up here, all casual, like nothing’s going on, just lying to my face.”
“I—”
“Who else is going to be at this meeting?” I ask. I know I’m too close to shouting, know I’m overreacting, but I can’t seem to rein it in.
“We have to see him sometime, man,” Lennon begins, and I hold up a hand.
“I’m not going. You guys have fun.”
“Reed.” Cash sounds pissed now.
“No, Cash,” I plow on. “I don’t appreciate it, okay? I don’t need the three of you ganging up on me to trick me into seeing Will.”
Cash lets off a string of expletives. “Would you listen to yourself? You sound like a damn child, Reed.”
I cross my arms, breathing hard, and look away. It’s unbearable when Cash is right about something.
Typically, Lennon is the one to stay calm. “We wanted to talk to you together because we knew you’d be pissed.”
“Yeah,” Cash adds. “No one wanted to volunteer to be the one to talk to you alone. Grumpy bastard.”
I turn back to the phone in Lennon’s hand. “I don’t get this, Cash. I thought you were as pissed at him as me.”
My brother’s face hardens. “Of course I’m pissed. We’re all pissed. Daltrey isn’t exactly happy at the idea of having him over, you know.”
“Then why in the hell are you going along with this?”
“Because Levi said it was necessary.”
My eyes snap to Levi’s face. He’s looking uncharacteristically serious. As pissed as I am, Cash’s words make sense—if Levi thinks we need to have this meeting, he has a reason for it. And it wouldn’t just be to get us talking to Dad. Levi would never pull that crap with us.
So that means that something must be wrong.
“Levi?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know the whole thing, okay? I just know that the label is pissed about something and you need to make some plans before that conference call.”
I scowl. “Did it ever occur to you that he might have just told you the label was pissed to get us all to talk to him?”
Levi meets my eye. “Will isn’t the only person who’s told me.”
Shit. If Levi is hearing about this from his sources at the label, it must be pretty serious. I look from Lennon’s face to Cash on the phone screen. The last thing in the world I want to do is think about our band right now. Because thinking about the band means thinking about how fucked up everything is. And it definitely means thinking about our dad. But I know my feelings aren’t the only ones that matter. I’m not about to mess with my brothers’ careers just because I’m mad. I spent most of my life putting my own needs last, determined my brothers would be safe an
d successful.
You couldn’t even do that, could you? that dark voice in my head whispers.
“Reed,” Cash says, his voice much more understanding than I’m used to hearing. “It won’t be a big deal, okay? It’s one meeting. We’ll all be there together. Besides, it will give us a chance to see Rose.”
Rose. That baby might only have existed for a few months, but she’s the best damn thing to happen to any of us in a long, long time.
“I’m not going to just forgive him,” I mutter, already feeling like I’m giving in to something I have no desire to give in to.
“No one said you had to,” Cash tells me.
I look at my brother’s face, small on the screen, for a long moment before I nod. “Fine.”
Levi lets out a small sigh of relief. “I’ll let Daltrey know we’re coming.”
“Hey,” Cash says, grinning. “Cheer up, man. Paige will be happy to go see Daisy. And it sounds like you could use some points with her. I hear she’s not too happy with you.”
I turn to glare at the other two. “You all gossip worse than the girls.”
“Speaking of girls,” Cash says, waggling his eyebrows. “Sam’s on her way home. If I’m going to be leaving soon to hang out with you assholes, I might as well enjoy my woman while I have the chance.”
“Tell her we said hi,” Lennon says.
Cash laughs. “I can guarantee you I won’t be talking to her about any of you. In fact, I don’t think we’ll be talking about much at all. If you know what I mean.”
“No, Cash, we have no idea what you mean,” Lennon says, rolling his eyes. “Because you’re so subtle.” Our brother laughs again, waving once before the screen goes blank.
Out beyond the valley, the sun is starting to set, painting the sky with strips of pink over the darkening gray. Have I really been sitting here all afternoon?
“You want to get dinner?” Lennon asks.
“I’m up for it,” Levi says. “The girls will be gone for a while, I think.”
They both turn to look at me, waiting for my answer. “I’m good.”
“You’re not going to eat dinner?” Lennon asks. “Jesus, Reed. There’s grumpy and then there’s melodramatic. You’re skirting the line, buddy.”
“Fuck off, Len,” I say, that anger bubbling up again. I take a deep breath, reminding myself that I’m not mad at Lennon.
“I don’t think I will.” Lennon’s voice is firm. I look over to see my brother glaring at me. “You can come out to eat with us. It will be good for you.”
I roll my eyes. “You sound like Paige. I don’t need my kid brother telling me what’s good for me.”
Lennon stands, grabbing me by the shoulder, his fingers rough. “Fine. How’s this then—you’re not the only one having a hard time, ass.”
I blink up at him, surprised. Lennon is glaring now, his expression pissed. “This has been tough on everyone,” he goes on. “You think it’s not hard for Daltrey to be having these issues with Dad right when his kid is born?”
“I never said—”
“You think it’s easy for me? Knowing that I’m the reason all of this happened in the first place?”
“That’s not true,” I say fiercely. “Will is the one—”
“Just shut up, Reed.” Lennon rarely talks to me like this, rarely talks to anyone like this. He’s known as the gentle brother for a reason. He doesn’t look gentle now. He looks pretty close to furious. “This has been really hard on me, okay? But I’m trying to get through it. I think having a damn mean with my brother isn’t really asking too much. So go get your wallet and let’s go.”
I just blink at him for a moment, having no response for that. “Fine,” I eventually say. “Let’s get dinner.”
Lennon sighs. “Thank you.”
I don’t answer, just follow my brother and Levi from the patio back into the house. I still feel pissed—pissed at them for contriving this meeting, for planning it behind my back. Pissed at Dad. Pissed at the whole world, it feels like. I have no desire to go to dinner, to sit in a restaurant and try to make small talk. Just like I have no desire to go to Nashville and talk about the band. Or to see my father.
But there’s one thing that will always be true for me, no matter how angry I might feel—if one of my brothers ask me for something, I’ll do it. It’s that simple. So I follow Lennon and Levi back into the house as the evening lights start to brighten the darkness of the valley below.
* * *
I assumed I would find the house empty when I get home a few hours later. Either that or some girly sleepover would be taking place in my living room. When Paige and Karen get together, it’s rare for them to call it quits after only a few hours.
So I’m surprised to find Paige there in the living room, asleep on the couch, her long hair trailing across the zebra print throw pillows she had insisted I buy. I kneel in front of the couch, watching her. It’s barely nine, way earlier than she would usually fall asleep. Those flutters of guilt are back. She’s been worried about me, probably not sleeping much. That’s like Paige—to internalize the problems of the people she loves.
The guilt swoops through me now, thick and heavy in my chest. It brings a good measure of fear with it. Paige is everything light and happy in my world. She deserves so much better than this angry, closed up version of myself. What if she figures that out? What if I lose her?
The thought makes it hard to breathe and I reach out to touch her cheek, needing to feel her, to know she’s still here with me. As my fingertip makes contact with her soft skin, her eyelids flutter open. She smiles as soon as she sees me, like she’s been waiting for me, and I try to force the fear away so I can smile back.
“Reed.”
“Did you have fun with Karen?”
She nods, but her lips are tugging down in a frown. “We only managed a few stores. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I’m so tired.”
More guilt. My fault.
“Did you eat?”
She shakes her head, yawning. “Not hungry.”
“Paige, you’re just getting over a cold. Again. You need to eat.”
She reaches out and cradles my face with her hand. I lean into it, unable to help myself. “You’re one to talk. How were the boys?”
I push aside the flash of anger that the mention of them brings to my chest. But Paige’s frown deepens. She noticed. “What do you think about going to see Daisy this week?”
The worry flies from her face, replaced with a grin so big I decide it might actually be worth it, this stupid meeting. If it makes Paige this happy, it definitely might be worth it. Even if it means seeing my dad.
“Really?”
“Really. Levi says we need to have a band meeting before this conference call with the label.”
“Is everything okay?”
I brush a lock of hair back from her cheek. Maybe if I keep touching her I won’t think so much about how angry I am. “I’m not sure. It sounds like there’s something going on at the label, but Levi doesn’t know what.”
She frowns. “Well, it’s probably a good idea for you guys to meet up then.” She clears her throat. “Your dad will be there?”
I remove my hand from her face. On second thought, maybe it isn’t a good idea to be touching her when I’m thinking about my dad. “I think so.”
“Reed—”
“Come on,” I say, grabbing her hand and pulling her into a sitting position. “Let’s get you some food.”
Paige yawns, slumping forward to rest her head on my chest. “Can we just go to bed?” she asks. “I don’t know why I’m so tired.”
“Because I’m an asshole,” I mutter into her hair.
She looks up at me and my stomach lurches. Her face is pale, dark shadows under her eyes. Did she look like this all day? Why in the hell hadn’t I noticed? It seems like she’s been sick ever since we got back from Europe, one sinus infection or cold after another. She needs rest. She doesn’t need to be dealing wi
th my shit, worrying all the time.
“You are not an asshole,” she says, her voice firm in that fierce way of hers. “You’re just going through a rough time.”
“I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”
“You don’t take it out on me. I just worry.”
I lean forward, kissing her softly. “Of course you do. What else are you going to do with that massive heart of yours?”
She yawns again and I stand, pulling her up with me. “Come on,” I say. “Let’s go to bed.”
“Good.” She snuggles into my side. “You need to sleep too.”
God knows that’s true. I feel exhausted suddenly, all the angry nights seeming to catch up to me at once as we make our way up the stairs to our bedroom.
“I’m glad we’re going to Nashville,” Paige murmurs. “I think it will be good for us.”
I’m not so sure about that. I can’t imagine it will be good for me. But if there’s a chance it might be good for Paige, that’s reason enough to go.
Paige doesn’t bother with pajamas, pulling off her jeans and t-shirt and collapsing onto the bed. My breath catches as I look down at her. She’s so beautiful. She blinks up at me, and I see the exhaustion in her eyes. “Come hold me.”
I comply immediately. It isn’t only my brothers that I can’t deny.
Paige is asleep in my arms in moments, her breathing even and deep. I hold her close to my chest, trying to mimic the sound of her breath, trying to calm down. Trying to let go of all the anger and hurt in my chest so I can rest.
It doesn’t work, of course. I stay awake, long into the night. But I keep my arms around Paige the whole time, as I stare up at the dark ceiling, desperately trying to convince myself that I can be the man she needs me to be.
Lennon
Seven Years Ago
Cash, you’re flat.”
“I am not flat.”
I close my eyes. We’re only ten minutes into rehearsal and this is the last thing we need. I shoot a warning glance at my little brother, trying to tell him without words that he shouldn’t start, but Daltrey isn’t looking at me. He’s glaring at Cash, arms crossed. “Are too.”
“Let’s take a break,” Reed says from his drum kit and Daltrey turns to glare at him instead. Even in the dim light of the garage I can see that expression on Dalt’s face—the one that says he’s in the mood to fight.
The Ransome Brothers_A Ransom Novel Page 6
