by Burke, Dez
She shakes her head doubtfully.
“I don’t believe that, and neither do you. You’re more than a one-trick pony, or one-song pony I should say. Your career will last because the music is inside you. It always was.”
“You believed in me way back when nobody else did,” I say. “Your support gave me the courage to go to Nashville in the first place. I’ve never taken the time to tell you how much that meant to me back then and still does.”
“Ahh…Levi. You don’t need to thank me. It was easy to believe in you. I always knew you had what it took to be a star. And I was right.”
She elbows me playfully in the ribs, and I bend over clutching my side in fake pain.
“You know I was always right,” she teases.
“I truly am sorry about tonight,” I say. “To be honest, it’s been such a long time since I’ve had any downtime. I didn’t think about how hard it might be to lay low on a night out. I’m a bit of a hotel hermit most of the time. I hope you won’t be afraid to venture out with me again while I’m in town. I feel our time tonight was cut short and ruined.”
From the expression on her face, Annie isn’t convinced to give us another shot.
“You’re as sweet as always, Levi, but it’s okay to admit that tonight is a bust. I know that you’ve got a hell of a lot going on in your life right now, and I’m just a girl you used to know. You don’t owe me anything.”
She’s turning me down?
Reaching down, I grab her other hand so that I’m holding both tightly in mine. “How can you say that? You were always far more to me than just a girl.”
“We haven’t seen each other in a long time,” she says. “Things have changed.”
“It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you over the years, about us.”
Annie lets out an uncomfortable laugh, drops my hands, and unconsciously takes a step back. Her guarded expression tells me that she thinks I’m telling her what she wants to hear instead of the truth.
It bothers me that she thinks I’m being insincere. “You were hard to get over when we broke up,” I say, taking a step towards her to close the distance she’s put between us. “When I first arrived in Nashville, it was almost unbearable how much you were on my mind. I couldn’t think about anything else.”
“Why didn’t you say something then?” she asks, almost angrily. “You never called me. Not once after that.”
I let out a long breath and lean my head back against the brick building. “I thought about it, believe me. But we’d made our decision. Or maybe we hadn’t. I don’t know. Maybe we were both mad about something stupid. We were struggling, trying to keep a long-distance relationship together. Do you even remember exactly why we broke up? Because I don’t.”
After a moment, she shakes her head regretfully. “Not something specific that I can point to.”
“When you went off to college, I knew you’d turn out to be somebody,” I say. “You had initiative and a drive to succeed. You were at the top of our senior class with the highest grades. I knew there would be no stopping you once you put your mind to something. When I was in Nashville, I kept imagining you meeting all these different guys at college, who were probably falling all over you. I didn’t want to be the deadbeat, broke boyfriend in another state stringing you along.”
She raises her eyebrows at me, as if I’m making up the story as I go.
I shrug. “Back then, I didn’t know where I was going to end up. My only gigs were playing in smoky bars. Cash was tight and I barely had enough for gas money to make the trip back to Monroe once a month to see you. I took odd jobs many nights washing dishes after the bar closed. I didn’t want you knowing those things. It didn’t seem as if our relationship could work, no matter how much I might’ve wanted it to. You deserved better.”
Annie’s eyes grow soft, her voice softer. “I wanted to call you, too. Many times, but I thought you were already living a musician’s party lifestyle. You were off to bigger and better, and I was planning to stay right here after college. I always thought that I would hold you back if we stayed together.”
“We were both young and confused about a lot of things.”
Wrapping her arms around herself once more, Annie sighs. “That was then,” she says. “Things are different now. You’re flying high, and I’m stuck with my feet firmly on the ground.”
“Does it matter?” I ask. “Because right now, I’m just thrilled to be hanging out with you again. I can’t believe we’re standing outside the infamous Red Barn Bar shooting the shit. Me and my childhood sweetheart.”
Annie’s laughter echoes all the way down Main Street. I always loved the sound of her laugh.
“Is that how you think of me? Childhood sweetheart?”
“You’ve been a big part of my life since I was ten years old.” I place my hands on her upper arms and turn her to face me. “Whatever you want to call it, it was something pretty special. You never forget your first love.”
Annie’s face is filled with doubt. She’s still unsure of my sincerity. I don’t know how to get through to her. I reach over and playfully tug a lock of her long hair.
“How could I ever forget the pig-tailed girl who spent an entire summer when we were ten riding behind me on a horse every single day? Mama would pack us up sandwiches and put them in a paper bag along with a couple of soft drinks. We’d climb on Goldie bareback and head off, not even knowing or caring where we were going. We would just ride down the trails and wouldn’t turn around until the sun started going down behind the cornfields.”
“That was the year we were both going through the horse phase,” she says in a wistful voice. “Goldie was a good horse. Gentle, steady, and always willing to go wherever we wanted to ride her. It’s weird. Back then, we never thought about being afraid of going miles into the woods alone by ourselves.”
“That was a time when kids could do those kinds of things,” I say. “Our parents didn’t worry about us getting hurt or being kidnapped by perverts. We were free to be kids and do our own thing without helicopter parents circling around us twenty-four hours a day. They let us live and learn things on our own. They let us breathe.”
“You were always full of ideas of something for us to get into,” she says. “Life with you was never boring. Remember when you found out about your great-grandfather being half Cherokee Indian? The next day we were out in the fields, turning the red dirt over and hunting for arrowheads.”
“We found plenty too. I still have a big arrowhead collection somewhere in the house. I need to find it and have them arranged into a glass case before they get lost or misplaced. If they haven’t already.”
“Every day with you was an adventure,” she says, gazing up at me with shining eyes. “You were always full of energy and fun. I was lucky to have you as a best friend.”
“I hope I’m still a fun guy,” I say. “Though sometimes it feels as if I’ve lost a piece of myself somewhere along the way. Did you ever meet anyone else?”
“To seriously date?” She drops her eyes from mine and gives her head a little shake. “Never seriously, no.”
“Same here.”
“Don’t tell me that,” she teases. “I’ve read all about your girlfriends and relationships in the magazines.”
“Journalists use the word ‘relationship’ very loosely. Nothing ever compared to how I felt when I was with you.”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to say here, Levi.”
“I’m trying to say that I’m happy to see you again, and I don’t want a bunch of over-excited fans in a bar to stop you from going out with me. I want to see you again. It could be just like old times.”
“You’ve got too much on your plate to be taking up again with your old girlfriend,” she says. “There’s your Dad, Cole, and your manager…”
I silence her with a kiss. I let my fingers slip into her hair as I gently pull her face towards me and press my lips down over hers. At first, her body freezes in shock, b
ut then it relaxes and sinks into my kiss.
Annie’s arms reach up and wrap around my neck; her lips press against mine with passion. We’re two lovestruck teens making out in the dark street back alley again.
We pull back from each other and we’re both a little breathless. She stares at me with a disbelieving expression.
“Can I follow you home in my truck?” I ask, eager to spend more time with her. “Maybe at your place, we won’t be bothered by fans. At my place, we’d be bothered by a four-year-old, a big brother, and my dad.”
Indecision flickers across her face.
“How long are you planning to be in town?” she asks. “Be honest with me. A week, a month?”
“I honestly don’t know,” I say with a shake of my head. “Does it matter? We’ve got tonight. That should count for something.”
She pulls back out of my arms, and I realize I’ve fucked up royally with my choice of words.
Big time.
“Damn right it matters,” she says with a regretful sigh. “To me. As much as I would love to take you back to my place, I need to be honest with you. I’m not a one-night stand kind of gal. I never was, and I’m not now.”
I start to interrupt her. She holds up her hand to stop me.
“I already know what you’re going to say. That it won’t be a one-night stand. That we meant something to each other a long time ago. Which might all be true. My question to you is this. If I take you home tonight, where do you see this going? Where will we be next month? Or in six months?”
“Does everything need to be figured out right this minute?” I ask jokingly. “Can’t we just see where this goes first?”
I know she has every right to be asking me these questions.
“I remember how it felt when we split up the first time and we went our separate ways,” she says, giving me a sad look. “I’m not going to put myself through that again. Not willingly. In a few days or weeks, you’ll be leaving Monroe and heading back to Nashville. Whatever we think this thing is between us now, it would be over then anyway. I’m not a glutton for punishment, so I’m going to end this before it starts this time around.”
She leans up to kiss me lightly on the cheek.
“Thank you for tonight, Levi. And most of all for the wonderful memories. I won’t ever forget you, and I hope you never forget me either. My first love was as perfect as one could be, and for that, I’ll always be grateful to you. Goodnight. Drive careful going home.”
Without another word, she turns and heads down the dark, empty street and I’m left feeling more alone than I ever have in my life.
“Well, fuck,” I mutter to myself.
That sure as hell didn’t go as planned.
I wait until Annie turns the corner and I’m sure she’s not changing her mind before I head back to Dad’s truck parked behind the bar. A crowd of fans are already waiting for me there, having figured out what I’m driving by process of elimination.
After signing a few more autographs and doing the expected photos, I jump into the truck and turn back toward the farm.
Halfway there, I change my mind and stop at a local gas station to pick up a six-pack of beer. Instead of going back to the farmhouse, I turn down one of the old dirt roads running alongside the main highway.
I carefully navigate in the dark around big ruts in the road until I reach the dead end. Turning off the ignition, I sit alone in the truck, under a big full moon, hearing nothing but crickets and frogs.
Peace at last.
I pop the lid on one of the beer cans and take a swig. Taking a deep breath, I lean my head back against the seat. It’s been forever since I was all alone with nothing but the sounds of nature all around me. I close my eyes for just a second to rest.
The next thing I know, I jump awake with a start and realize it’s five-thirty in the morning.
Oh shit!
Cole is going to be wondering what happened to me. I consider shooting him a quick text then realize that might wake him up if he’s asleep.
I start up the truck and hurry back to the farm. When I pull up outside the farmhouse, Cole is waiting for me on the porch swing, with his arms folded across his chest and a face as black as thunder.
Damn! He looks the same as Dad used to when I missed my midnight curfew.
Cole comes barreling towards the pick-up truck with his voice raised before I can step out.
“Are you kidding me with this shit, Levi? You take Dad’s truck and don’t come home all night?”
I step out and hold up my hands to calm him down.
“What’s the problem, Cole? I’m a grown ass man.”
“Dad’s been wandering around outside searching for his truck half the damn night. I just now got him calmed down. He was convinced it had been stolen. You’re a selfish son of a bitch. This isn’t Nashville. I don’t care how many albums you’ve sold. Dammit, Levi, you need to think about other people for a change.”
Angrily, I toss him the keys.
“Jesus! Cole! What the hell? I’m not fifteen years old. I didn’t realize the curfew was still in place. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Cole snatches the keys out of the air and clenches them tightly in one fist until his knuckles turn white.
“Where were you? Out at a bar? You’d better not have been drinking and driving in Dad’s truck.”
He angrily jerks open the door of the truck and sees the remaining beers sitting on the seat.
“I only had one,” I tell him. “As you can see, five are left.”
I stand in front of him and fold my own arms over my chest. I hate that he makes me feel ten years old again.
“I’m sorry if I’m late.”
“Late? You were gone all night with Dad’s truck. His mind might be bad, but he knew his truck was gone. Every five minutes he’d go to the window and ask me where it was. I’m not kidding. Every five minutes since dinner last night. He was frantic and very upset. In any case, you’re not borrowing it again, you hear me? You’ll have to get a rental car. I can’t deal with this another night.”
“I’m sorry, Cole. I didn’t think he’d mind.”
“Seeing his truck makes him feel secure,” Cole says. “It’s a constant in his everchanging state of confusion. I keep it parked in the exact same spot so he can see it. If you’d been paying attention, you would’ve noticed him going to peek out the window a thousand fucking times a day.”
“My God, Cole! This is fucking nuts! Can’t you see how out of control this situation is getting to be? You’re running yourself ragged trying to keep him calm. And poor little Lily is scared to death of him. You talk about me not noticing things. Haven’t you noticed what this is doing to her?”
Cole points an angry finger at me.
“No, she isn’t scared of him. He loves her. He would never hurt her.”
“You mean the way he didn’t leave a big bruise on your arm the other night? Yeah sure, Dad would never hurt her in his right mind. He’d never lay a hand on anyone. But he’s not always himself. I saw the expression on Lily’s face when you were struggling with Dad. She’s scared. You need to face up to reality here. You’re in too deep to see things as they are.”
Cole rubs an exhausted hand across his face and leans against the side of the truck.
“Maybe you’re right,” he says. “I just keep putting one foot in front of the other every day, hoping things will get better. Instead they keep getting worse and I don’t know what to do. Let’s go inside. I’ve already made coffee.”
He starts striding back towards the farmhouse with me following close behind him. He throws a question back over his shoulder at me.
“Are you at least going to tell me where you were?” he asks.
I hesitate for a moment, following him up the porch stairs and into the house.
“I was with Annie. We met for a quick drink. That’s all. Then I drove down a dirt road to get some peace and quiet. I had one beer and fell asleep. End of story.”
“Annie? Now why doesn’t that surprise me?”
“Yeah. I ran into her at the drugstore and asked if she wanted to grab a drink after work. I’m sorry I didn’t think to tell you where I was going.”
“Why didn’t you? You think I’d have a problem with it?”
“Honestly, yes.”
Cole seems genuinely surprised. “Why?”
We enter the house. I can hear the television blaring in the living room where Dad’s sitting. I can smell the morning’s breakfast already cooking. Superman Cole obviously never sleeps.
“You’ve been pretty hard on me since I got here, Cole. I thought you’d be angry if I made social plans with a girl away from the farm.”
“I’ve not been hard on you.”
I raise my eyebrows at him, and Cole relents. He holds up his hands.
“Okay. Maybe I have been a little hard on you, but you don’t understand how tough things have been here. This is a family farm, yet I’m carrying the weight on my shoulders alone.”
“And I keep offering to help, but you won’t let me,” I argue back.
“You’re offering cash,” he says simply.
“What the hell is wrong with money? It’s still good in this town, isn’t it? Money can’t fix everything, but it can damn sure help with some things. You keep blaming me and yet you won’t accept the help that I can give.”
I sit down at the dining table and rest my elbows on the table. It’s too damn early in the morning to be arguing over this same shit again. Cole pours us both a cup of coffee and slides mine in front of me.
“I know you want me back here at the farm, but I love what I do. I have a successful career that I’ve worked hard for. You don’t understand that I can’t breathe if I’m not making music. It’s part of who I am. I can’t change that.”
Cole sighs and rubs his tired eyes. “I know.”
