I realize she hasn’t even asked me how yesterday went.
And then…she’s gone.
Eddie is still kneeling in Allegiance on the bedroom floor. I put the jock on and go to him. At least he knows the kneeling commands in German.
I take his arm and coax him up onto the bed. I feel sorry for him, because I know damn well if I break her rule about speaking German, she’ll find out.
Hell, she’d probably ask Eddie and he’d tell her the truth. Not to snitch on me, but because we’ve been trained to tell her the truth.
We’re rewarded for it.
So I do all I can do and sit there next to him, with my arm around him and his head on my shoulder while I rub his head through the hood and whisper what a good boy he is in German, using the same tone Elsa does when she says it to him in English.
I hope he understands.
Because after the first playmates arrive and pass over a wad of bills I don’t even count before putting them in the envelope, I stay there with Eddie, supervising, helping when ordered, and I’m repeating that phrase to him even when he’s crying in pain or groaning in pleasure. I make him come several times, and the only time I come is when one of the playmates orders me to fuck Eddie’s mouth while he’s fucking Eddie’s ass.
While I do, I whisper to Eddie repeatedly what a good boy he’s being and stroke his head.
I also whisper how sorry I am.
* * * *
Over the next several weeks, I spend two more Saturdays with the colonel at the hotel while Eddie goes over to Elsa’s. That’s in addition to the once or twice a week I’m summoned to the colonel’s office. Also, on two Sundays, I’m left to supervise Eddie’s play, as well as a couple of evenings a week.
I never count the money. I wasn’t ordered to, and she never asks me about it later, but I feel dark resentment building inside me. I don’t tell Eddie about the money. I feel like since I didn’t before, it makes me…complicit, in a way. I don’t know how to tell him about it at this point.
I also don’t like how…withdrawn Eddie acts after these “play sessions.”
But when we have Elsa all to ourselves, she’s even more cuddly and loving, and I watch Eddie carefully and see how he smiles and looks happy when with her.
I find I’m distancing myself from Elsa a little when we’re with her, wanting Eddie to be her focus. He won’t talk about what happens when I’m not there, and I know what happens when I am.
I can connect the dots. He’s earned the attention from her.
I also teach him a few German phrases so I can have more communication with him and feel less guilty when I supervise.
I suppose I should have expected it that Saturday morning when we arrive at Elsa’s and are told not to strip. Then she hands me a key card—it’s always the same hotel—and a note with a room number.
She also hands me a bag, which contains condoms, lube, our hoods, one blindfold, one leather jock…
And an envelope.
She smiles at us. “My very good boys,” she sweetly says. “This is a test.” She looks at me. “Alpha, you are in charge today. I expect you to take care of beta, the way you have been. The same rules. Understand?”
No.
That’s what I want to say, but I nod. “Yes, Mistress.”
Maybe she sees something in my gaze, I don’t know. She walks over to Eddie, talks to him, rubs his head, until he’s nuzzling against her and begging to do anything to make her happy and please her.
I recognize that look she gives me—So there.
I can look back and see that the nasty jolt in my guts over that was the first contraction of Sarge’s birth. The bastard extraordinaire’s birth.
She comes to me and catches my chin in her hand. “I’m counting on you, Alpha. I will come for you both late this afternoon.”
Eddie’s watching me now, and I don’t know why he looks desperate. I wish I could talk to him. I’m not sure if he’s desperate for me to say yes, or for me to take the lead and say no.
“Alpha?” she asks.
I finally nod. “Yes, Mistress.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Eddie and I are in the process of working toward E-5. We get a month-long respite when Elsa has to travel for a work conference and goes on holiday to visit family.
I’m officially in charge of Eddie, but it’s just the two of us hanging out on base, or doing mundane things in our free time with Kenny and Gohber.
I make sure we spend private time together every day, and I realize there are times I don’t feel like coming, but I always make him come.
Sweet and gentle doesn’t work for him, though. He needs to feel used, “forced” to do it.
And so I do that for him.
I’m not sure how to feel about the fact that doing that almost always makes me horny as a result, so even if I start our time together not in the mood, I’m frequently in the mood after he’s come and I end up using him anyway.
Which sometimes gets him hard again—and I let him come again.
Elsa would probably say I’m spoiling him, but it makes me feel better to do it.
When Elsa returns and we’re summoned that Friday evening, she looks tan and refreshed, and there’s a new, naked pet in her loft when we arrive. He’s a German kid, nineteen, skinny twig, and despite his nervous expression, his cock is hard. We haven’t even stripped yet, because she had us wait to do that.
“Pets, meet beta.” Elsa looks at Eddie. “You are now ‘gamma’.” She reaches over and pets Eddie’s head, smiling.
“No.”
I don’t realize I’ve said it until I see Elsa frown and the panic that splashes across Eddie’s face.
“What did you say to me?” she asks.
I think about it for a second. “I want to talk about this, Elsa.”
It’s the first time I’ve used her name like this in…
Well, I can’t remember. That’s how long.
Rage fills her expression. “We do not talk. I tell you what happens. Since you’ve never defied me before, I’ll give you another—”
“No. This is the three of us. That’s what you said.”
“I never said that!”
Eddie doesn’t speak, his wide-eyed horror saying it all.
“All the times you talked about future plans with us?” I remind her, a frigid cold trying to settle in my gut. “All the things we’ve done for you? What we had done for you—that was all talked about like you wanted to spend the rest of your life with us.”
Hell, I’d gone so far as to seriously research living here full-time, going to college here. I’d actually visited one of the nearby universities.
I’m guessing the kid’s English isn’t that great, because he looks confused as hell.
She’s livid. “How dare you defy me! After everything I’ve done for you! You should be grateful I’m giving you another pet to play with!”
“Everything you’ve done for me? You mean whoring us out? When do we get some of that money, huh, Elsa? It’s our fucking asses on the line. Especially Eddie’s. How much is the colonel paying you for every—”
Her slap across my cheek silences me.
“Worship!” she screams at me. “Now!”
I rub my cheek, a cold, hard wall falling into place as I stare down at her. “Fuck you. We can talk about this like adults, but if you ever strike me again in anger, we’re done.”
Eddie gasps.
Fury contorts her features. When she reaches up to slap me again, I block her arm.
I have never defied her before. Ever. I’ve never tried to block a hit, or refused an order.
“Get out!” she yells. “Now! Don’t you dare contact me again, either! You and I are finished!”
My gaze meets Eddie’s and I pause when I see the tears in his eyes. I want to hold him, comfort him.
Ask him to come with me.
Tell him we don’t fucking need her.
I also don’t want to get him in trouble with her.
And I know that while neither Eddie nor I have acknowledged that, yeah, what we have is a relationship with each other, we also know for various reasons that being “gay” probably isn’t a viable option. Not with him wanting to stay in the military and with my family. If I tried to introduce him as anything other than a friend, I would catch a ration of shit and probably be cut off from them.
Before I walk out, though, I lean in, grab him by the head, and fucking kiss him. “You’re a good boy,” I whisper with my forehead pressed against his. “My door’s always open to you.”
“Get out!” she screams.
Then I leave, slamming the door behind me.
Well, that could’ve gone better.
I wander around on foot for a while, debating whether or not to toss my burner cell. But Eddie texts me on it, too, so I opt to hold on to it.
I wonder if this means my friendship with Eddie is over.
I hope not, because I realize that, somewhere in the middle of all this, I love the guy. I feel…responsible for him.
I’m worried about him and what will happen to him now without me around.
But he’s an adult. He can make his own choices, I suppose. I’m not going to beg him to leave her, because I’m no pity fuck.
I make my way back to base and sit up in bed, reading, my door cracked open and hoping Eddie will come talk to me when he returns.
He doesn’t. In fact, I know he’s somehow managed to sneak in without me hearing when I see a light on under his door when I make a trip to the bathroom.
Okay, then.
* * * *
Monday morning, I’m summoned to the colonel’s office. Eddie didn’t join us for PT or chow, and he wasn’t in his room when I went looking for him to talk.
He won’t respond to my texts, either.
I stand at attention, even after the colonel locks the door behind me.
From the stony mask he wears, I know I’m in trouble.
“Worship.”
I remain standing at attention and keep my voice down. “Sir, I don’t understand, sir.”
I don’t move.
Not a fucking muscle.
He stands in front of me, his gaze narrowed. “Is that the way it’s going to be? I heard there was an…issue.”
That’s one fucking word for it, I suppose. “Sir, I don’t understand, sir.”
I’m just hoping this doesn’t get back to my dad. Fortunately, the colonel desperately needs secrecy even more than I do.
He finally walks around behind his desk and sits. “Last chance,” he quietly says. “We can talk about this. Allegiance.”
“Sir, I don’t understand, sir.”
I’m sweating fucking bullets, though. Because I’ve never bucked an order.
Ever.
Especially not from a fucking colonel.
He leans back in his chair and slowly nods. “All right, then. Dismissed.”
I nearly run out of there, because by the time I get outside, I’m puking up my breakfast into a garbage can.
* * * *
Eddie rejoins me and Kenney and Gohber for PT and chow Tuesday morning. While he pretends everything’s okay, I sense an unease in him that wasn’t there before. He assures me he’s fine, but when I wait in my room at lunch time, just in case, he doesn’t show.
Over the next two weeks, I think okay, maybe things will shake out. I’ve discovered jerking off isn’t very satisfactory anymore. It’s not as bad when I remember stuff I did to Eddie, but any time I think about the other faceless, nameless “playmates,” or being on the receiving end of things, it kills my boner.
I have more time to spend with Kenney and Gohber, but miss having Eddie around all the time. I sense a growing sadness in Eddie’s gaze when it sometimes lingers on me a little too long from across the table during chow. I notice he always stays right behind me in PT, where he can watch me but I can’t look back at him.
I keep the burner cell, just in case, but don’t really expect to hear anything. He has my regular number, too.
My immediate anger has been replaced by grief, and I mourn what I thought we had with her, what we did that I enjoyed. I mourn the dream I had built up in my head, no matter how impossible it probably was from the start.
I mourn what I gave up for Elsa while thinking she actually fucking loved me. Then I shove to the back of my mind the fact that I gave up one of my dreams for her, and I was so easily cast aside.
Because if I spend too much time thinking about that aspect of all this?
I’ll swing back into rage, and probably do something stupid like hunt her down and kill her.
I feel…stupid.
Elsa finally texts me the next Saturday morning, and I hate the elation and hope that mixes with the dread and anger.
Are you ready to come back yet, pet?
Not Alpha, but pet.
Bottom of the ladder, I suppose.
I reply.
Did you get rid of the other guy, Elsa? I don’t mind playmates, but for pets it’s just me and Eddie.
She doesn’t reply.
It’s midnight when I hear a soft tap on my door, and I get up to answer.
It’s Eddie, and he looks like shit. He’s been crying.
I pull him in and close the door behind him. Then I get him over to my bed, where we sit. He curls up with his head in my lap and cries while I stroke his head and call him my good boy over and over. He leaves about an hour later, without ever telling me what happened. All we did is sit there while he cried, sniffled, and I held him and told him he was my good boy.
That I love him.
I apologized for leaving him behind, and told him if he wanted to leave her, that I’d take care of him.
That I would never leave him behind again if he would just leave her.
That we could figure something out for us.
Because now I’m fucking lonely as hell and realize I’m willing to risk trying to make something for us.
If he’ll just leave her.
If he’ll just choose me.
I don’t see him Sunday. Kenney, Gohber, and I go to town to see a movie and have some beers. I listen as the guys rate women walking by, but I’m unable to get the sound of Eddie sobbing out of my head.
Another memory I’ll never be able to erase.
He taps on my door at ten thirty that night, and I hold him, let him cry, tell him he’s my good boy.
Tell him I love him.
I don’t ask him what’s happening with Elsa.
I don’t want to know.
It’ll make me angry.
Angrier.
The best thing I can do is simply be here for him and hope he decides to choose me, in the end.
* * * *
Not every night, but what I’m sure is every night he’s spent time with Elsa, I get a tap on the door and he cries. I hold him, rub his head, ask nothing of him. Anger is also tinged with guilt, that I left him behind.
Except I can’t force him to leave her.
I’m summoned to the colonel’s office on a Wednesday morning, the first time since that day I turned him down, and I nearly puke on my way there.
I run into Eddie on his way out of the building, and he looks horrible, but won’t meet my gaze as he ducks around me and scurries off.
I struggle against the urge to run after him and find out if he’s okay, barely suppressing my rage over whatever things Elsa is orchestrating being done to him, and holding back my grief over what we’ve lost.
I stand at attention while the colonel closes and locks his office door. He moves to stand in front of me.
“I don’t often give second chances,” he softly says. “We can have an…arrangement separate from her. It’ll be good for your career, and your pocket.”
I don’t break attention. I think about the money, wonder how good it is, and for the briefest of moments I am tempted.
But then the sound of Eddie crying in my arms in the dark fills my brain.
I
keep my voice down but do not break attention. “Sir, I’m sorry. I don’t understand the question, sir.”
He stares at me. “Five thousand a month, cash, and you’re…exclusive with me. It’s what I was paying her. I don’t know how much she gave you of that. I hate the new guy, and that friend of yours…” He waves his hand.
Fuckballs.
Rage takes over again, and this time, I meet his gaze. “Sir, I wasn’t given one red cent, sir.”
He smiles. “Then I guess you’ll be happy to accept that offer, huh?”
“Sir, with all due respect, sir, no.”
His smile fades. “No?”
“Sir, no, sir.” I opt to lie. “Working on my E-5 now, sir. Need to focus on that.” Which is an utter bullshit excuse, but since he knows Dad and who my brothers are, I’m hoping that buys me some space and time. I mean, I am working on my E-5, but that’s likely where I’ll end my career. If I bust my ass, I can apply next month.
He’s not done trying yet. “If you accept my offer, your career is no longer a worry for you. Eventually, I’d transfer you to my personal staff, so I’d have easier access. You’d have it easy all the way around. Private quarters. Fringe benefits, including traveling with me on official business. It’ll be a good life, a pay bump. Better than you can get now. Cushy. No combat. That’ll make your mom happy, I’m sure. It’ll definitely help your career.”
Could I live with myself, though, if Eddie, Kenney, and Gohber get deployed and I’m stuck in an air-conditioned office here?
Could I live with myself if I look at casualty reports and see their names?
Could I live with myself, or the memories of dropping my pants and bending over his desk, the sound of his breath in my ear as he fucks me, while knowing maybe one or more of my friends died in a desert somewhere?
I decide no, I can’t.
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