“Much more, you are so much more. See.” She caught his face again in her iron grip and forced his eyes open, catching his glance as he was swept into an effervescence of visions.
All the kind moments, the soft and gentle things, the good decisions, the tender moments, the brave, the decent and responsible things that made up parts of his existence. His senses overloaded and he saw music and heard art, he felt colours and tasted compassion. The aroma of kindness enveloped him in a tender softness, and his heart rate slowed. The possible and probable blended amongst the seeds of moments and actions, and he relived them all. The tension left his muscles and the sweat cooled his skin as a soft breeze blew through the alley.
“So much more than this moment!” She kissed his forehead. “Now nurture the seeds or they will wither and die.”
She gently laid his head back in the folds of cardboard and stood. Both his eyes peered from beneath heavily swollen lids as she stepped away. He tried to call to her to help him, to not leave him, but his mouth would not shape the sounds.
She smiled tenderly. “I will always come when you need me. You don’t need me now.” She moved out of his limited field of vision and her presence was replaced by flashing colours.
“Shit we got here before the cops. I hate picking up stiffs.”
“Yeah me too, but hell, we best check for vitals. Unlikely to be any with that pool he’s laying in.”
“What happened to this guy? Looks like he fell off the roof? What a bloody mess.” The sound of plastic slapping flesh bounced in his ears and something pressed against his chest.
“Jesus Pete, there’s a pulse, a heartbeat! He’s not dead. Let’s get him in the ambulance.”
His body began to move without his volition, rocking back and forth, rolling one way and another. He felt he should feel more than a general distant movement, but he stayed in the quiet bubble. A shadow loomed in front of the slits of his eyes and a brilliant light flashed into his face.
“Pupils aren’t dilating, but he’s definitely still alive.”
“How the hell could anyone survive that kind of wreckage?”
The voices flowed around him making no impact. The light changed and he sensed less space in a far off distant way.
“Stay with us, buddy, we’ll have you at the hospital soon. They’ll take care of you. Are you with us…?” the voice flowed on and on in a calm soothing stream, and he stayed under the surface of it.
The light changed again and his body moved through the air and space. More shadows floated into his immediate line of sight and were gone. He could not close his eyes, nor did it occur to him to do so. There were no thoughts but fleeting ones. Intense light shined, and then nothing.
Pain was his first thought—intense unbearable pain—then nothing.
Again, pain was his first thought—intense unbearable pain—then more pain, and then nothing.
Once more, pain was his first thought—a vague sense of floating in an ocean of pain—then a wave of nothing flowed over him.
He awakened to pain and light; dim subdued light and pain. He could hear an animal mewling and felt sympathy for its agony. The thought came slowly that the animal was him, and he was making the mewling sound. The wave washed over him and the pain was gone. He floated.
He opened his eyes. The pain was intense. He waited for the wash, but it didn’t come. The light remained dim and he sensed that time had passed. The pain stayed with him, and he tried to think around it like a tongue on a hurting tooth. The wash came more slowly, less abrupt, and he felt he surfed it this time.
Time had passed. Pain was part of him now, he was pain. He felt inside his skin. He reached out for his limbs and found them. There was change. There was heaviness. He tried to piece together the puzzle and found one piece that fit another. He began to rebuild his mind, until the wave came and rocked him to sleep.
He woke again and sounds slid into his ears. Mechanical beeps and whirrs that he knew had always been there, but only now heard. He reached for more puzzle pieces and knitted them together for longer this time, before the cradling wave of pain medication and sleep.
Opening his eyes, he saw the ceiling. Turning his head he saw a window. He looked at the sparse utilitarian furnishings, the curtain rail around his bed. He knew it was a bed. He turned his head the other way and saw an open door with a corridor and shiny flooring beyond it. He tilted his head and saw tubes in his arm. His eyes followed them to a soft gelatinous looking bottle with clear liquid dripping slowly into the tube. He stared at the wall and thought, wall as he fell asleep.
Outside the window, a bird was chirping a vibrant tune and the breeze blew cool across his cheek. He felt the muscles of his face form a smile, and the muscles felt stiff from disuse. The smile brought back a memory, and he pondered the memory. He could not see her face, but he felt her touch against his skin. He tried to remember her face and frowned with the effort. Pain increased and he felt the wash coming and tried to fight it but it overtook him and he slept again.
He dreamed, and in the dream, she stood before him bathed in light. She smiled and touched his cheek. He felt cocooned in peace.
She held his face and he looked into her eyes, “It will be time to wake up soon and then you must water the seeds. I am with you, I am always with you. Wake up now.”
“Wake up now. Time for your bath, I am afraid.”
His eyes flew open and he felt the cool water against his bare skin. The curtain was around the bed. A brisk and efficient nurse sponged his body as she kept up a running commentary, cleaning where his mother hadn’t been for thirty years. He felt heat in his cheeks and tried to pull away from her hands.
“Oh there you are, I’m Meg, nice to have you with me today. I wondered if you would ever wake up, sleeping beauty. I’ve said wake up every time and hoped you would.” She smiled at him and patted his hip. “I was just finishing up anyway, and you are all fresh for the day. Your eyes are as pretty as I thought they’d be.” Her voice flowed over him in a gentle soothing sound, “I’ll let the doctor know you are up for a chat, shall I?”
He stared at her departing back and wondered why she seemed familiar. A wave hit him, only this time it was a wave of awareness. Pain throbbed in all his limbs as he probed his healing injuries. He wriggled his toes and ground his teeth on the agony that brought, but relief worked into the sensation, knowing the toes worked.
A harried woman in a white lab coat arrived; the hair piled on the back of her head had whisps of loose strands. “I’m your doctor. You have had us worried, young man. Good to see you awake. Do you know who you are?”
She cocked her head to one side like a little bird and he found himself thinking of bird calls as he began to turn toward the window. The woman frowned and he realised he needed to respond. He tested his throat and mouth, and the instructions for speech worked their way through his neurons.
“Um?” his voice came out in a dry rasp, “What happened?” The doctor lifted a glass with a bent straw and offered it to him to sip. He rolled the water around his parched mouth and tried again, “How long have I been here?”
“All good questions. About four weeks. Your injuries were extensive and we had to keep you in an induced coma to get you past your brain swelling. You had breaks in both legs and both arms, and fractures along your spine, ribs and across your skull. You lost a great deal of blood and had extensive bruising to most of your internal organs as well as the musculature. We have no idea how you were still alive but you amazed us all. We thought you must have a guardian angel looking over you.”
“Not an angel,” he whispered. “I thought I saw a woman in the alley?”
The doctor touched and prodded as she spoke, looking for signs of reaction. “It’s incredible really. You should regain full use of all your limbs. Probably a hallucination—that happens with head injuries. It was in the ambulance report. We can start physio tomorrow and get some muscle back on those legs of yours.” She peered at his eyes and flashed a light i
nto them. “Hmm good, good, now do you remember your name?”
“Ah? It seems to be hovering, I don’t know who…,” he trailed off and frowned, struggling to remember.
“Never mind it will come. You just rest now. You will need all your energy for physio. I’ll up the pain meds for a day or two until we have you on your feet.” She gave his bed a brisk pat and left the room.
Memories floated inside his skull, just out of reach. His head relaxed into the pillow the nurse had fluffed up for him, and he let himself relax around the permanent ache of his repairing body. A face formed in his mind; a beautiful face with a gentle smile that somehow terrified and excited him. He sensed words.
“Remember now.”
His heart rate skyrocketed and he grabbed for the straps. Wind whipped his hair across his face and he screamed for mercy. “Don’t! Don’t, if you kill me I can’t get them back.” He grabbed for purchase on the arm holding him out of the cabin door. The arm was slick with sweat; the torso bare of clothing to grab, and no mercy played on the grim face in front of him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, please, give me a chance.”
The arm shoved as the fingers of the grip around his bunched up coat released. He screamed as his body plummeted into the air, wind caught the scream and tore it away. The plane dwindled into a darker patch on the cloud. There was silence in the rush of air as gravity pulled him to the Earth’s embrace.
Memories flooded him, and he saw the path of his choices, he saw the wrong turns and the stupid decisions. He followed them back to a point, the point he thought of as the no turning back decision. His body thrashed about, but he was not aware of anything outside his head. A cool breeze blew through the window, causing him to think of green grass and strong hands, and he calmed. She was with him. She said she would be. He settled quietly and other thoughts came.
If they thought he was dead, he could start again, make better decisions, move on and do…. He fell asleep, a natural sleep. His mind slipped into a gentle dreamscape and she was there. A river flowed bright with sunlit sparkles dappling the surface. A willow draped its branches amongst the reeds on the bank. She waited for him by the willow with her hands held out in welcome and that gentle smile playing on her lips.
He took her hands and felt an overwhelming sense of belonging and rightness. “Are you real?”
She smiled, “As real as you need me to be. It is time to forget now for a little while.” She kissed his forehead and let his hands go. He watched her fade into the surroundings as the dream faded and he woke feeling refreshed and happy.
“That must have been a good dream,” the nurse checking his machines chuckled as he focused on her.
“I don’t know, I can’t remember it, but it did feel like it was good.” He smiled at the nurse, “You have lovely eyes, Meg.”
“And you have a pretty tongue.” She laughed and patted his cheek in a manner reminiscent of his mother. “How are you feeling this morning? You certainly slept well after that initial thrashing. We thought we might have to strap you down, but you calmed by yourself.”
“I was remembering things.”
“Your name? You had no ID when they brought you in, and no one has reported you missing, so what should we call you?”
“Jacob. I, my name, I think my name is Jacob.”
“Well, Jacob, that is a nice name. Any other details we could use to find you?”
He shook his head. Meg left the room, and for a moment, Jacob felt like the light diminished. He felt ridiculous for his odd imaginings, and then turned his thoughts to his name. Jacob felt right. He tried it out on his tongue a few times and it sounded familiar.
“Okay, Jacob, who am I and what the hell was I doing being thrown out of a plane?” He rolled the question around in his head, waiting for answers, but nothing came and the therapist came to take him to physio.
“I’m Marcus. I’ll be taking you down to therapy for an hour and we’ll see what you can do. What do I call you?”
“Jacob.”
“Right, Jacob, we need to get you on your feet and into the chair. I will help you and you can hang on to me as much as you like. Let’s sit you up first and take it slow. We had you pummelled and massaged the whole time you were out, but your muscles have wasted away.”
Marcus lifted Jacob into a sitting position. Pain lanced Jacob’s spine and a gasp escaped him.
“Steady now, no rush. Let me lift your legs over the side. Just hold my shoulders okay.” Marcus swung the pale scarred legs over the edge of the bed and Jacob thought he could feel blood rushing down to his feet. Sweat broke out in a glistening patina across his forehead; his breath sucked across his lips in short bursts.
“Okay, steady as it goes, put your feet down, slide. Slide. Slowly now.” Marcus held him steady around the waist as he began to stand upright for the first time in weeks? Months? He had no real gauge of the passage of time, except that his legs were shaking and he felt as weak as a newly hatched chicken. Raw vicious pain stabbed along his nerves from his feet to his teeth which he clamped on the roar of agony trying to escape him.
“You’re doing well, Jacob. Go with it, go with the pain. Don’t fight it. Come on, we just have to turn you one step and you can sit down again. Just one, you can do it.”
“You took the job to torture people right?” Jacob gritted out, and Marcus laughed quietly and they both pivoted together so Jacob could ease into the chair behind him. Jacob was shaking by the time he leaned back in the wheelchair.
“Yep, you got me in one. Just wait until you see the torture devices I have downstairs.”
“Bring it on.” Jacob managed a smile, which Marcus returned as he pushed him out of the room.
The therapy to regain strength in his body was almost as excruciating as the broken parts had been. Almost. Jacob found himself crying and shaking as he forced his legs to move and his arms trembling with an effort to hold him up. His back felt as if it were covered in a wire mesh with a heating element set on too hot, and the headache almost blinded him.
When Marcus returned him to his room, Meg had written a little name tag for his bed in bright colours. Both men smiled. “I think she likes you, Jacob,” Marcus patted his shoulder.
Marcus worked by his side daily, encouraging, cajoling and bullying him to take one more step. Just one more step, one more lap in the pool and one more curl.
“I don’t know what kept you alive, Jacob, not many people as mangled as you were, survive.”
“I had a vision, Marcus, when I was lying in that alley. They tell me they found me in an alley. The ambos came in to visit me once. Great guys. Anyway, just before they arrived in the alley, I had a vision. It’s kind of murky, but there was a woman. She was beautiful and she held my face. Her hands were so cool.”
“Probably a hallucination, but a good one to have, I guess.”
“It felt real, more real than this.” Jacob pointed out the leg they were stretching and bending. “She took away my pain for a while.”
“Fewer side effects than morphine and prettier, too,” Marcus pressed Jacob’s foot back and making him hiss.
“Prettier than you, that’s for sure,” Jacob said through his clenched teeth as he tried to relax into the pain. “The police came, too, but I couldn’t tell them anything. I hadn’t even remembered my name then. There was something one of them said. Ahhh.”
“He said ‘Ahhh,’ well that’s descriptive.” Marcus massaged deep into the calf muscle and Jacob whimpered. “Hmm…getting looser. So what did the cops say?”
“Said they couldn’t figure how I got on the roof because the buildings either side of the alley were condemned and locked up tight, no stairs, no fire escape and no internals. They said it was a pity the garden in the alley would be destroyed when the buildings came down. The ambos said the alley was full of rubbish and discarded furniture. Seemed an odd thing to say about gardens. I wasn’t on the roof anyway. I fell out of a plane.”
Marcus stopped rubbing and looked up in
shock. “You fell out of a plane and survived? Shit, no wonder you were so broken. How high up were you?”
“I don’t know. I just remember being pushed out the door.”
“Pushed? Without a parachute? What gives?”
“I don’t know, Marcus. I can’t remember, but I must have fucked up pretty bad to be pushed out of a plane?”
“Well when you remember, tell me. I can’t wait to hear how that one worked out. Okay, let’s get you back upstairs to bed. Think you can walk the whole corridor today? I bet Meg is on shift now, want to walk to your room and impress her?” Jacob looked startled and Marcus laughed at him. “It’s normal to get a crush on your best nurse, think I didn’t notice? Funny coincidence, Meg started here the same day you arrived, it’s fate I tell you. I think she has a soft spot for you, too.”
Jacob laughed, but walked the corridor from the lift to his bed. Marcus walked beside him, but didn’t support him. They both nodded and smiled at Meg as they passed the nurses’ station. She smiled back.
Jacob collapsed, shaking and sweating on top of his bed.
Marcus helped him back up to a sitting position, “I think you impressed her.” They both laughed.
Jacob lay and watched the sunset over the tops of the buildings. He could see the walls of the hospital on the other three sides of the central garden courtyard from his window. The bricks were terracotta orange and the garden full of camellias and rhododendrons in full bloom. The pinks and reds clashed with the orange of the wall, hurting his eyes, so he lifted his sight to the russets and gold in the clouds. His mind filled with another sunset, jungle green and the rush of a returning memory.
The jungle smelt of rot and growth. Moisture clung to everything and he forgot when he had last felt dry. His breathing was laboured at the altitude, and he longed to go home. He checked the bearings on his compass and made a note in a small note pad. The batteries had gone flat on his electronics weeks before.
“What’s the delay?” the harsh voice hushed the bird calls in the canopy.
Jacob’s shoulders sagged. “It isn’t exactly on Google maps now is it?” A fist to his midriff doubled him over.
Rise of the Goddess (****All proceeds from the Rise of the Goddess anthology will go to benefit the Elliott Public Library**** Book 1) Page 22
