by Sam Destiny
“Fucker, snap out of it,” he heard, but he just pulled his elbow back until it connected with soft tissue and the hands fell away.
The sun was in his eyes, glaring heat making the landscape swim as he tried to find the dark head he’d just seen. She was the only woman in his unit and he felt personally responsible for her. More than for the others even, and that was already a feat.
More hands reached for him, coming out of nowhere, and he struggled harder and harder the more people grabbed him. He had no clue where they were bringing him, but he wasn’t going to be a captive. He’d rather wanted to die out there.
He knew he was screaming because his throat started to hurt, the sand and heat doing the rest of the work until he felt a sting at his neck and just a few minutes later darkness crowding his vision.
And the last I did was tell Tessa to stay away, he thought before everything went blank and oblivion claimed him.
After Jazz had left, Tessa had paused in front of the door, her heart hammering in her chest. She was tired to her bones and though she was sure she was all cried out, tears still pooled in her eyes. This was it. Jazz and her were over before they ever really had begun.
She’d failed her son. Again.
Unlocking the door eventually, she stepped into the hallway, turning her back to the stairs and the open hallway. She meticulously turned the key until an echoing crack announced the door locked, then she slowly took off the only jacket she’d still had in her car. When she turned, she found only Hilary there, her blue eyes bloodshot from crying.
“You’re so stupid,” her friend announced before crossing the space between them and hugging Tessa tight. “You’re not a bad mother, woman, and next time you say that I’ll whip your ass, and not in a good way. The only reason I said what I said was because children react to their mothers’ moods. He’s fussy when you’re around because he feels that you’re sad and exhausted. If you were to be happy and singing, eating enough and sleeping properly, so would he, sweetie. That’s all the doctor said. It’s the connection between mother and child. And promise me to never run again. I thought you died. I was so desperate, I went to see Jazz, but you weren’t there. Oh shit, I need to call Tank and him to let them know—”
“He found me,” Tessa interrupted Hilary’s tirade, rubbing her forehead. She had no idea how late it was, but she wanted nothing more than to grab John and curl up in bed with him. No late night trips to the hospital for her anymore. In fact, no trips there over all, period.
“Jazz?” Hilary stepped back and Tessa nodded.
“I told him about John, too. Doesn’t want to see him. Doesn’t want to see me. Couldn’t tell me why. Listen, I’m sorry I worried you. I’m sorry I ran. And I’m sorry you had to watch Johnny during the nights. I’m not going anywhere as soon as evening comes. I swear. I’ll do this right.”
She trudged toward the stairs, her heart heavy.
“Tessa, wait up,” Hilary called and she turned back around, not sure she wanted or needed more talk that night.
“There’s noodles and chicken in white wine sauce. Come on, have some. I even have that cheese you like so much with it. Persian.”
“Parmesan?” she asked, her brow arched and Hilary grinned.
“Yes. Come on. You deserve a treat.”
“Who’s with Johnny?”
“You now,” came a voice from behind her and Tessa turned, finding Aimie come down the stairs with the baby in her arms. He was happily blubbering even though Tessa would’ve expected him to be asleep.
“Hey there, handsome,” she greeted him, lowering her head to his to hide the tears from falling. She felt Hilary step closer, and then Aimie, before Emma joined them, too.
“I was in the kitchen, but then saw you hug, so I had to come,” she announced around a full mouth and Tessa had to laugh through her tears. Things would get better now. They just had to, because Hilary was right, Tessa couldn’t do this any longer.
The house was unlike anything Jazz had seen around Monterey, but he wouldn’t deny he loved it. Located close to Iris Greenbelt, a forest area, he couldn’t shake the feeling the previous owners had designed it as a type of cabin. There were stone and wood structures combined, and you entered the house through a heavy wooden door, coming to stand right in the living room. It was wide open with a fireplace to the right and a sectional to the left. It could easily house an entire family and some guests, but he didn’t complain. Walking across the parquet, he found a small hallway and a kitchen leading off from it. It was big, too, with a glass front looking out into the woods. Returning to the hallway, he opened a tiny door underneath the stairs.
“It’s for storage,” his mother explained from behind him and he nodded at her, giving her a brief smile before walking around the stairs. He opened another door there, and found a guest bathroom in there. Tiny, but pretty, with white tiles and blue decorative items on them.
Up the stairs a hallway had four doors leading out of it. The first was Kris’ bedroom, he decided after opening it. The door across from it was a bathroom. Next to it another bedroom, this one tastefully decorated with flowers that seemed almost to shine against the soft beige backdrop. The furniture was dark wood, probably cherry, and the room was filled with his mother’s scent. Next to the bed a door led into en-suite bathroom. Jazz didn’t do more than a swiping glance inside. Across from his mother’s room there was a third bedroom. Though there were a dresser, a closet, a bed, and some nightstands, the room felt empty, which meant it was probably supposed to be his. He went to the window, looking out and figured he was somewhere above the guest bathroom since he faced the same way the kitchen did, but he knew that to be further down the hall.
The last door he hadn’t yet opened was his bathroom, just as big as his mother’s.
When he finally turned, he caught Rafaela’s sad expression. “Done? Are we safe now that you went through every single room? Besides, I think you forgot one downstairs. There’s an extra guest room,” she whispered, her blue eyes tear-filled.
Jazz pressed his lips into a tight line. He hadn’t even realized he’d checked the house for safety, but he couldn’t deny he was actually feeling better… even if the many windows gave people too many chances to see what was inside while they couldn’t see the outside.
“I’m sorry, mom,” he replied, meaning it. He’d invaded their privacy and hadn’t even thought about it.
“Don’t worry, son,” she gave back, but turned away before he could say more. “I’m gonna make some lunch. Anything special you want?” she called then, being down the hall by the way the question had reached him.
“No, whatever you make is fine,” he answered, loud enough so she’d hear it.He paused in the middle of his new room, and listened. He couldn’t hear anything: no hospital sounds, no people talking, just silence. It was terrifying and yet somewhat relieving. For the first time since even before he’d left for his deployment, he was completely alone, enjoying the nothingness that surrounded him.He grabbed his bag, opening it until he found the hidden compartment deep inside.It was the first time since the day his friends and comrades died that he allowed himself this short reprieve.
Jazz took out the folded paper, wrinkled and used, partly rubbed off by sand down in hell, but he still could make out the faces just fine.
Tessa and him, cuddled up. He remembered that day, remembered the way she’d felt against him, even though it now mixed with the way she’d felt just a few hours ago. She’d been almost skinny back then, whereaswhereas sheshe currently possessed new curves, and the reason behind them still shook him to the core.
A son. She’d given birth and though that thought should’ve elated him, it just made him regret everything more.
“You’re the prettiest couple out there.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin. He’d been so engrossed in the picture he hadn’t noticed Kris come in, and what exactly did that say about him as a soldier? This, right there, probably was the reason why his whole unit
had been killed. Or nearly his whole unit.
“I’m sorry, I saw you sitting here and thought you’d heard me. I know I shouldn’t be sneaking up on you. Dr. Spencer told us all about PTSD. I was sure you’d have noticed me, and—”
Jazz reached out and pulled Kris into his side, effectively shutting her up. He gave her a kiss on the top of her head and then forced himself to smile so she’d hear it in his voice.
“It’s okay, Kristine. I promise. I’m fine. I’m not gonna hurt anyone.”
“But what if you get a flashback like yesterday? You punched Tank twice and broke your doctor’s nose,” she pointed out and he closed his eyes.
“I know, but I didn’t have any control over that. They shouldn’t have touched me,” he explained. “It's the worst you can do then. I couldn’t… I wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t.”
“They sedated you, Jazz!”
He knew that and had the bruise to show for it. Since he’d been struggling so hard a rather rough male nurse had to force the needle into his skin.At least it had granted him a full night without nightmares.
“Besides,” his sister added, “Tessa always touches you. We know that.”
Again he nodded, but he couldn’t say anything. He didn’t know why Tessa’s touch didn’t make things worse, but got him out of the mess he always found himself in instead.
“I have just one question, Jesse, and I need you to be fully honest with me, because if you cannot give me a good reason not to, I can promise you right here and right now that we’ll call her up if we feel you can’t get a handle on yourself,” Kris went on. “Why do you want to stay away from Tessa?”
He knew that no matter what he’d say now, all the pretty arguments he had in his head wouldn’t be worth a damn in his sister’s book, so he said the only thing he could think of that might stop them.
“She’s entwined with my nightmares so much, I’m not sure I won’t kill her if she comes again,” he stated flatly, his heart cracking against his ribcage. It was half a lie because even in his worst nightmares he was saving her. His sister didn’t need to know that.
“Oh my God, you wouldn’t,” Kris gave back.
He stood, dropping the pictures of him and the only woman he’d ever love onto the bed. “Look it up, Kris, it happens. I punched Tank, too, as you pointed out correctly, remember? I had no control over that, either. And now, I need a shower.”
He vanished in the bathroom, wondering if he ever would be able to live a somewhat normal life again. If he’d ever allow himself to have normal life again.
“He has so pretty eyes!”
“And look at the tiny hands!”
Tessa smiled gently as Emma and Aimie leaned over the baby blanket, cooing at her son as if he was a puppy. She’d slept through the night, partly because Hilary had taken her phone from her room and partly because she’d been too exhausted, but now she felt much better. They’d also had breakfast together, laughing about EmJay’s latest DIY disaster.
Tessa couldn’t believe how much better she felt. Hours of crying—she still couldn’t believe she’d been gone for more than five hours—had freed her like nothing else could have.
“You look better,” Hilary commented, leaning over the counter Tessa stood at. She had a coffee in her hand, not having been able to breastfeed her son because when he’d been born she’d barely had milk and after that had gotten medication to treat her blood loss and what not, making everything she could’ve offered the little man poisonous. It was probably the second biggest regret she had about the day of the award show.
“I feel better. I’m not going to lie, I cannot decide if I’m ready to give up on Jesse or not, knowing he’s been through things we cannot even come close to imagine. After all, this could be just him trying to get some control back over his life, and I basically tore the carpet from under his feet by telling him he became a dad while he was away. He thinks I no longer deserve him, but I don’t think he gets that this isn’t about deserving him. This is about needing him.” It was good putting her thoughts into words even though it didn’t bring her any closer to a decision.
“Yesterday, when I came into that room and asked for you, he sat up right away. He didn’t hesitate, and he didn’t care what happened to him, he just wanted to go and find you. And he did. I still wonder how, you know?”
Tessa knew, smiling softly to herself. It had been their spot somehow and she was surprised she’d found it again after all this time and never having driven there herself, but once the ocean had opened up in front of her, she’d felt as if finally she could stop the car.
She, too, liked that Jazz had remembered bringing her there because it made her feel special.
Shrugging, she turned to her friend. “Maybe it’s just the fact that I was in distress and he knew what his first reaction would be. I don’t know if it’s still the same for him, but believe me, sometimes not even we can follow our own thoughts when we’re so out of it. And I was. I also was absolutely and totally out of line. I’m sorry for everything I put you through since he came back. It’s been like a whole plate of broccoli, only much worse and less healthy,” she winked. Tessa hated the vegetable like nothing else. However, the comment had the desired effect and her friend laughed shortly.
“I’m not worried about me, Tess. I get paid a shitload of money for something I’d do for free,” Hilary replied. “Plus, I always wanted a roomie, ever since you all left, so it all worked out perfectly. Even though…” Her expression turned sad. “I’d hoped you’d move in with Jazz before long.”
“On to the next dream.” Tessa smiled, because that was her new plan. She wouldn’t force her love on Jazz, but she also knew she couldn't leave him alone.
Walking back to join Aimie and Emma on the floor, she pulled her son onto her knees, tickling him the way she knew would always make him squeal.
“So, I was thinking we’re taking a long nice walk later on, and tonight, when Johnny finally is asleep, we watch some movies,” EmJay announced and Tessa bumped her with her shoulder.
“I’m so glad you two are here. I didn’t know how much I needed it until—”
The doorbell interrupted her and the four women exchanged surprised glances.
“Jazz?” Aimie guessed, but Tessa instantly shook her head.
“I’m gonna go and check unless someone wants to bet on who’s there. No one? Huh?” Hilary wanted to know, grinning before vanishing. Silence spread in the living room as the remaining three waited for any clue.
“You look like death warmed over. Holy shit!”
Though Tessa didn’t know who it could be, the comment propelled her to her feet, the little boy still in her arms. Rounding the corner, she found Ryan standing there and her heart nearly stopped in her chest.
“What are you doing here? And how do you know my address anyway?” she demanded to know, her tone angrier than she’d anticipated.
“I gave him the address yesterday when we were looking for you,” Hilary stated before Ryan could say anything at all.
It was only when she stepped closer that Tessa saw his taped nose and the bruise under his left eye.
“What happened? Come on in,” she invited him.
Hilary, who’d obviously waited for Tessa’s okay, stepped aside and Ryan walked in, looking different in blue jeans and a red hoodie. His dark blond hair stood out in spikes as if he’d run his hand through it more than once.
He paused as soon as he stepped foot into the living room, clearing his throat. “Hi,” he greeted Aimie and EmJay, and Tessa had to smirk as they scrambled to their feet, giving back a rushed greeting. Aimie’s face changed colors from pale to red within seconds and Tessa grinned. Hilary bumped her side, proving Tessa wasn’t imagining things.
“Sit, Ryan, and then please tell me what’s going on. By the way, that’s Emma and Aimie, friends of mine. I’ll tell you more once I know what’s up,” she ordered and he took a seat on the sofa while she sat down in the armchair across from
him.
“I was worried about you. Have been since you first showed at the hospital for the Corporal. You had shadows under your eyes and you were too pale for someone living in sunny California. Then, when your friend here was at the hospital yesterday and looked for you…” He rubbed his knuckles across his eyelids, fatigue pouring out of him in waves, and she wondered what she was missing. “You showed all signs of exhaustion, Tess. I shouldn’t have let you drive, not the first time, and not any time after that. I just needed to come to make sure you were fine. Even though Jazz wouldn’t have returned if you wouldn’t have been, that much I am sure of.” He was trying to ease his guilt. Huh, interesting, she thought.
“Ryan, I’m sorry to say that, but what I do has nothing to do with Jazz, and—” she started.
“You’re just as good at lying to yourself as he is. Everything you do has something to do with him. Beating yourself up and nearly killing yourself by coming the moment we call, reappearing even after he told you to not return, and even now, you only let me in because you worry I have bad news about him. And don’t try to pretend otherwise,” he listed and she swallowed.
“Well, no more. I’m not running to him anymore, if that makes you feel better.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, wincing, and she glanced at Hilary, but her friend just shrugged, opening her arms to take the baby from her. He’d fallen asleep and Tessa was grateful for that, because it seemed as if the children’s doctor had been right and he was reacting to her stress indeed.
“What happened to your nose, Ryan?”
“A flashback happened. A strong one. Jazz’s friend told us he was so mad, he slammed the car door and then it was all over. Corporal Connor struggled as if we were trying to kill him. Have you ever seen a dying man fight? They have a strength that exceeds their normal power. We had to hold him down with five people, Tessa. Five, and even then it was tough for us to sedate him. At least he slept through the night.”
“He broke your nose?” she asked, her tone incredulous.
