by Sam Destiny
“I should’ve probably brushed my teeth afterward, not before. I’m sorry,” she apologized and he grabbed her chin, drawing her in for another kiss.
“It’s perfectly fine, Tess. I just couldn’t recall and it pissed me off. And about the cooking… I never made anything before. Although that’s a lie. I think I cooked noodles at some point. Like… way back when.” He shrugged and she shook her head, smiling more now.
“Well then, I guess I need to teach you. Let’s start with pancakes, handsome, okay?” she wanted to know and he sighed in contentment.
“Whatever you say, because with you at my side I’ll be able to manage it all,” he assured her and she turned back to him, giving him a level stare.
“And don’t you forget it, soldier boy.”
Leaning against the counter he wondered how he ever could if she was the brightest reminder of all times.
He was faking it most of the time. Jazz hadn’t been magically healed, or had suddenly forgotten all about it.He probably just didn’t want her to see or know, but that didn’t make her feel any better. What was he worried about?
She busied herself with the batter, aware of his gaze on her, and yet she couldn’t get herself to look at him, not now when she knew her doubt and worries were written in the way her eyes filled with tears.
“What is it, Tess?” he questioned, gently brushing a blonde strand from her shoulder. His fingertips brushed the bare skin on her neck, causing her to shiver.
“Nothing.” But even she could hear the lie in her voice, and knew he’d notice it, too. For a moment he didn’t react and she wondered if he’d reconsidered talking. Glancing at him sideways, she found him listening intently, before he smiled ever so slightly and stilled her hands on the beater and the bowl, turning her back to him.
“Let’s try that without a lie this time. What is it, Tess?” he inquired, framing her face and making it impossible to avoid his questioning expression.
“You are not better, are you?” No matter what, she wanted him to assure her he was, and that soon all of this would be just some distant nightmare, but then his blue eyes clouded with sadness.
“I am, but not nearly as good as I wish I were. I worried…” He trailed off, shaking his head before turning away from her.
“Worried I wouldn’t love you enough to stick by your side anyway? Worried I’d run after fighting for this? Worried you don’t love me enough to be honest with me? What the hell were you so worried about you had everyone pretend to be happy family for me?” She had no idea why she was getting loud, or feeling so irrationally angry, but she could imagine the reason. If he lied about something like that, who told her he wouldn’t just wake up one day, being back to thinking they shouldn’t be together? Or waking up one day thinking he didn’t love her?
“Worried you were going to keep me from holding my son because you’d consider me a risk. Worried you’d keep me from holding you for the same reason. But when you are around I am better. My nights are terrible, but maybe with you here that changes, too. You’re my cure, Tessa, and yet I cannot get around wondering about the moment you decide it’s too much work; fearing that second you’ll look at me and tell me you cannot handle it. I’m weak when it comes to you, always have been, but—”
“Weak?” she echoed. “You are anything but, Jesse Connor. Sitting in that doctor’s office every day, telling a therapist about the worst time of your life is not weak. Having been there, in hell, is not weak. Moving past everything you’ve done and have seen, deciding you deserve a shot at a good life instead of giving up is not weak. However, thinking I’d walk out on you because it’s getting tough makes me look weak. Is that what you’re saying?”
They both knew it wasn’t, but as long as Jazz wasn’t believing in their love or himself, he needed to believe in something different, and Tessa was ready to be just that. He only had to hold onto her long enough for him to find himself again.
“It’s not! You birthed a child all by yourself, went through hell because of it, and you came whenever someone called you, no matter how painful it ended for you, so no, nothing weak about you.”
“Exactly. Stick to that believe, and trust the fact I’m strong enough to do that. I’ll weather every storm for the three of us, fight every war that needs to be fought, crush every doubt you have until you are back on your feet, and for real this time. Don’t lie to me when I ask how you are, and don’t pretend to be fine, okay? Because I can only fix what I know is broken.” Actually, it would take so much more to fix Jesse Connor, but he needed to believe he could be fixed, and that someone would do just that.
Put pressure on yourself, why don’t you?, a little voice in her head asked, but Tessa knew she had to go through the tough times if she wanted the good ones. And they wouldn’t last forever, right? She knew some soldiers never got over their PTSD, but sometimes it got better, and she had to hope with Jazz this would be the case. And even if not, then they’d deal.
“Okay, no more hiding the reality, ugly as it is,” he promised and leaned in to kiss her forehead. “However, not every second of every day is bad, so let’s enjoy our time together,” he whispered against her skin and she nodded.
Focusing back on the batter, she took a deep breath. “So, you’ll want to…” She never got to finish the sentence as the doorbell rang. Jazz’s forehead crinkled in confusion. Clearly he wasn’t expecting anyone else.
“I’ll be right back,” he promised, kissing the side of her head before leaving the kitchen. Tessa listened for his steps and Johnny’s crying, but it seemed her son wasn’t bothered by the disturbance.
Above the music inside the kitchen she couldn’t hear what was said at the door, but she knew it was a woman there.
Abandoning her task, she went out into the hall and leaned against the wall across the door. She couldn’t see who was standing behind Jazz since his broad shoulders hit the visitor from view, but Tessa recognized the voice.
Betty.
“Bets, what’s going on? You look like hell,” her boyfriend whispered and Tessa considered going back into the kitchen, but something kept her rooted to the spot.
“What if your world will come crushing down soon?” Betty asked, sounding choked, and Tessa finally moved, but not back to where she’d come from. No, instead she took Jazz’s side, wrapping one arm around his lean hips. It didn’t matter that she didn’t have to stake claim, the urge in her was too big to ignore.
“Betty, hey!” The other woman looked terrible, her dark hair matted against her head and her eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot.
“Tessa?” Betty paled even as Jazz drew Tess against his side. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”
The sentence shouldn’t cause Tessa’s alarm bells to sound off in her head, but it did. The tone of Betty’s voice said it all, jealousy coloring every single word… although Jazz had promised her Betty had found someone knew. Tessa almost snorted out loud. Seemed in the end it didn’t matter how many guys you dated when your heart was somewhere else.
“Well, if it was for me Tessa wouldn’t ever be anywhere else again. What is it, Betty?” Jazz prompted and Tessa felt how his fingertips dug into her side, as if he feared whatever his former comrade had come to tell him.
“I… I cannot… this is not for her ears, Corporal,” Betty stuttered, her lips quivering, and Tessa considered moving away, giving the two privacy even though it was the last thing she wanted.As if anticipating her move, Jesse took her hand and kissed her palm, now holding her almost completely in his embrace, half way in front of him.
“There are no secrets between her and me. There’s nothing you can tell me she shouldn’t hear,” he insisted and Tessa gulped. There was. What if he’d slept with Betty and she now was in the same position Tessa had found herself in? It was a scenario she’d never once thought of, but that now made her wonder how tolerant she’d be.
“She wouldn’t understand, Jazz. If you wanna know, find me at the hospital, will you?” Betty told them—n
o, him—and went back to her car, driving away before Jazz had even taken one step outside. Not that it felt to Tessa as if he even wanted to do that.
“I didn’t mean to scare her away. And I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I was curious. I’m sorry,” she whispered, feeling partly guilty for ruining the talk and partly relieved. They’d have this weekend at least before facing new troubles.
“Don’t apologize, Tess.” He cupped her cheek and she leaned into the touch. He was distracted, but after a moment focused fully on her. “I should’ve asked her inside and into the kitchen right away. After what you thought Betty could be for me… I probably would’ve kicked any guy’s ass, even knowing it’s not true.”
“Jazz,” Tessa said, halting him in his steps as he made his way back to the kitchen. She needed to know. “She cannot be pregnant from you, can she?”
She held her breath as he stared at her, then burst out laughing, a warm, rumbling sound coming deep from within his chest. It wrapped around her like a blanket of sunshine and safety.
“I couldn’t have slept with another woman even if I’d have the mind to it, Tessa. It’s been you for me since the day at the airport, and no relocation or distance can change that. Even thinking we weren’t anything but separated lovers I didn’t consider it. In my stressful moments it was your image that gave me peace and quiet, and the relief I needed.” He winked, making her blush as she realized he’d jerked off to thoughts of her. God, she felt heat flush her body, claiming her in a wave of lust that was as strong as it was unexpected.
He crossed the distance between them and kissed her until her head was light. “And now, let’s get to the food. It’ll be lunch by the time we’re done,” he snorted and she shrugged, grinning.
And if it would be dinner, she didn’t care in the slightest as long as he was there and with her. Only with her.
Tessa woke with a start, not exactly sure what had caused her to slip from oblivion. John was quiet next door and still she sat and listened to the silence surrounding them until she noticed how stiff Jazz was against her side. She turned to him, reaching out to touch his bare back and found it clammy under her hands, cold against her fingertips.
He was gritting his teeth until they created a grating sound, making the hairs in the back of her neck stand up. He was dreaming, and it surely wasn’t a pleasant dream.
For a moment she wondered what best to do. She’d usually only arrive when he was deeply caught within the horrible web of nightmares and memories, but now it seemed as if he was only just starting to drown in it.
He twisted and turned, coming to rest on his back and in the pale moonlight falling though the open curtains, she saw his brow furrowed, his lips drawn to a thin line.
She fingered the dog tags on his chest tenderly, letting her finger wander along the chains until they touched his neck, his beard, and finally his lips. His breathing was ragged, coming in puffs against her fingertips. She wondered if maybe she could draw him from this nightmare with tenderness.
Pulling her hand back, she placed it in the middle of his chest, feeling his heart race against her palm. She raked her nails across one dark nipple, his skin pebbling and making her smile. Leaning down, she flickered her tongue over the hard bud, longing taking her over, unexpected and sweet.
Even though her body was focused on causing positive feelings for Jazz, her mind was on his breathing, on the way he still shivered.
Yes, his breath was still harsh, but she had a feeling it had shifted, sounded different.
She hummed against his skin, worrying the other nipple with her tongue and teeth before suddenly finding herself flat on her back, staring up at her soldier. A breathy laugh escaped her lips.He descended down on her, capturing her lips in a hard, unyielding kiss.
“Best wake up ever,” he gasped, pulling back just enough to rest his forehead against hers. She still felt him on her hips, his weight gently pressing her into the mattress, his knees left and right of her body. With the way he leaned over her she felt his hard on press into her stomach and it made her whimper. God, she hadn’t even realized she was so starved for the feel of him, this closeness set of sparks within her.
“You were slipping,” she gave back, panting. Her heart was racing in her throat, her bra-clad chest lifting with every gasp of air she tried to get into her lungs, but it seemed impossible. She wanted, needed to feel him closer than he was that moment. She wanted it all, and she wanted it now.
“I was,” he agreed and then straightened. She wished she’d turned on the light before starting her exploration because then Tessa would be able to see him. “And I’ll be slipping again,” he promised, his voice deep, dark, seductive. She felt heat rushing into her cheeks as she realized what he implied and blindly reached for him.
“Jesse,” she whispered, having no idea what she really wanted to say. Then again, when he moved off her body, lowering his lips to her stomach, she knew she didn’t need any words to tell him what she needed.
His hands were roaming over her skin, touching, memorizing every bit of her. She bent against the touch, wanting to feel more pressure, but he didn’t give her the satisfaction. Instead he cupped her breasts through the material, squeezing gently. In what little light came into the room, his eyes looked nearly back. “Those are bigger than before. You used to fit perfectly in my hand. Now… Jesus, Tessa!” He dove in and nuzzled her over the material and she held her breath, wondering if the stars she was seeing were real or imaginary.
Pulling aside the thin barrier, she moaned as he wrapped his mouth around one nipple while teasing the other with his fingers. His teeth gently bit her, his tongue easing the sweet sting right afterward, only to start at the beginning again.
“Oh God, Jesse,” she gasped, reaching up to drown her hands in his hair, holding onto the dark strands—or was she trying to guide him deeper? She couldn’t make up her mind what exactly she wanted because she was pleasantly unfocused, flying high on a cloud she hadn’t even known existed.
Months lay between their first time and his one, and yet to Tessa it was all new, all fresh.
“’Oh God, Jesse’ what?” he asked, his voice a growl that sent hot air skittering over her puckered skin.
“I need you. I need you close. I need you inside of me,” she panted, writhing under him to get the fraction she craved. Just a little bit more and she’d find the happy ending she was looking for.
It had been so long since she’d been close to anyone—him—that the smallest of touches ignited her in a way only he could.
“Damn, Tess,” he sighed, resting his forehead against her stomach, panting just as hard as she was, his beard tickling her unexpectedly.
“What?” she asked, wondering if he was feeling a flashback coming on. Had she said something wrong? Maybe something she’d done had—
“If you want me to last any time at all, please stop saying things like that, sounding so desperate,” he groaned and she laughed softly, relief pouring through her in waves. He was simply aroused. That was all.
Dropping back into the pillows after having lifted herself up on her elbows, she thanked her lucky stars. A flashback was the last thing she needed now, especially because it would make her more emotional, more nervous, and probably panic, too.
“Oh beautiful Tess…” He rubbed his nose along her stomach and then lower, kissing the inside of her thigh before pressing his lips over her panties against the place she ached for him most.
She bucked off the bed, tiny flames liking along her skin as pleasure skidded through her, dancing on her nerve-endings until she was a quivering, mumbling mess.
Jazz took his time caressing her legs, kissing his way down and back up before pushing her underwear aside, pressing a finger into her while drawing his tongue lazily across her most intimate part.
Tessa bit her lip, tugging on his hair again as her body demanded the release he currently was teasing her toward. Bending his finger lightly inside of her, she had a hard time holding on to luc
id thoughts. Like speaking and convincing him to just make love to her. Like demanding him to just give to her what she needed. Like—
She cried out involuntarily as a second finger joined and he let the tip of his tongue circle her sensitive nub. Forget him inside of her. All she needed now was to come, or she’d probably die, incinerating on the spot, being swallowed alive by the flames of passion.
Jazz smiled to himself as he curled his finger inside of her again, rubbing a spot that clearly drove her wild. She was bucking under him and he’d rested one arm across her abdomen, making sure she couldn’t get away from him. Not when he wasn’t done pleasuring her yet.
He wanted to feel her come, wrap herself around his fingers while his tongue tickled every last bit of tension from her body.
“Jesse, please, I’m so close, I…” She stopped, the words ending in a moan. In the back of his mind he thought she should probably be quieter or they’d wake their son, but somehow he couldn’t care less. Not when this right there was the first time ever that his world was full of light, full of perfection and free of haunting memories.
“You what?” he wanted to know, kissing her right where he was, drawing gentle circles around her clit until she shivered, her muscles bunching under his arm, around his fingers inside of her. He kept licking her, drawing the orgasm out until her moans were nothing more but desperate sobs for air, then he smacked his lips, feeling quite proud of himself. God, he’d missed being intimate with her, and he certainly had missed being in a position to make her come undone.
Not that this did anything for the hard-on he was sporting.
“Don’t be so smug,” she fussed, sounding beautifully sated.
“I’m not,” he gave back, the grin stretching from his lips to his voice. He knew for a fact she couldn’t see his expression, and it didn’t matter.
“Oh, I can almost hear how proud you are of yourself, soldier,” she laughed, her voice warm and soft, wrapping around him like a blanket. “And you know, I think maybe I should give something back.”
