by Sam Destiny
“Just because I want to get back to work and I need some coping mechanisms, hoping Will can help me,” he admitted and Ryan shook his head.
“I don’t know what to say. Does Tessa know?” Ryan asked and it made Jesse realize the doctor’s latest news was still he wasn’t ready to see Tessa.
His smile fell. “This isn’t about Tessa. You and I both know that if I can make it up to her, she’d take me nightmares and all. However, work doesn’t, and I want to get back to that. The whole reason I went on that deployment was to get to the next rank and they still want me, Ryan. It’s the last position I’m aiming for because for me the army no longer is the thing that matters most. Still, I sacrificed so much, I think I deserve that position if they want to give it to me,” he explained.
The doctor scrutinized him so long, Jesse started to worry he had said something wrong. “What happened? You seem like a totally different person. Even when Tessa finally got through your thick skull you had a shadow in your eyes. Now you don’t. What changed, if it wasn’t a woman who’s devoted to you?”
“Have a beer with me and Tank tonight. You don’t have many friends here, do you, doc? And maybe I’ll tell you why sometimes a girl is not all you need. That said, do not, for one second, believe Tessa isn’t part of why I’m going to be okay or even the main reason why I’m still alive. She might not be the reason my darkness is gone, but she’s the reason why I’m so ready to move forward and be me again,” he stated, getting anxious because the list of things he still wanted to do that day was long.
“Beer? When?”
“Seven, McCole’s. You know where that is?”
It was a bar mostly soldiers frequented because it was close to the base, yet in Monterey already. Plus, there’d be plenty of girls for Tank and Ryan to stare at so they wouldn’t notice he had no intention of drinking his beer.
“I’ll find it,” Ryan assured him and Jazz nodded. “Will’s in the cafeteria as far as I know. It’s his lunch break, so go right ahead and disturb him,” he then added and Jazz told him bye, leaving.
On the way through the hallways he pulled out his phone.
“McCole’s tonight?” he asked the moment his best friend had picked up.
“Who is that?” Tank asked back.
“Smartass,” Jazz chuckled.
“Honestly, who is on the phone? It can’t be my best friend, because he’s moping and ignoring the world. I don’t think he even remembers there are people out there who miss his ugly mug,” Tank insisted and Jazz sobered, realizing that Tank, too, had been hurt along the way.
God, if only he had bothered to ask for an official report much, much earlier. It was his right after all.He hadn’t even bothered to think about that.
Unfortunately he knew it was just as hard for Tank to understand what Jazz had been going through as it had been for Jazz to see all he put the people around him though. “Seven at McCole’s?” he asked again.
“Of course, dude. I missed ya. I’m gonna bring the guys.”
As much as Jazz had thought he’d mind, he didn’t.
“Awesome.”
He hung up and then turned into the cafeteria, spotting his psychiatrist immediately. Will stared at him as if he’d seen a ghost while Jazz grinned, pulling a chair out to sit down.
“Hey. I need help. I want to go back to work, and I want to be able to drive without Tessa staring at me as if I’d be risking her life.”
“Which, you technically are doing,” Will pointed out and he nodded.
“Well, with her I have a better grip on reality. Plus, I had her and my son in the car last night. I don’t know… it kept the demons at bay. I need to be able to do that without her there and without being afraid all the time.”
Will lifted his fork, stuffing some fries into his mouth while he contemplated something. Jazz wondered if maybe it was getting him a straightjacket.
In the end, as if deciding Jazz was being serious, the psychiatrist sighed. “Well, there are no guarantees, you know that best, and I think so does your girl. There are ways to figure out your triggers and give you something to ground you. I heard about different coping mechanisms, like snapping a rubber band against the wrist, or pinching yourself, just not enough to actually leave bruises… this is not about self-harm; it’s about realizing what’s real and what’s not.” He leaned back in his chair, touching his chin as if there was more he wanted to say but wasn’t sure on how to do it.
“I have no intention of harming myself. Besides the fact that my guilt got lifted off my shoulders, Tessa would have my balls on a platter if she’d find out I did anything to myself.”
“Like asking for more morphine even if you were technically drugged up?”
“It was absolutely okay. The nurse asked me if I needed more,” Jazz gave back, heat crawling up his neck.
“But not when asking two hours later again. You rang for that,” Will replied calmly and Jazz shook his head, not sure he’d heard right.
“I did not,” he protested, but then wasn’t exactly sure because after the second morphine dose he had been kind of out of it.
“You did. It would’ve killed you had you actually gotten it. Not that anyone here had been compliant, but it still had found a mention in your EHR,” the psychiatrist explained. “Electronic health record,” he then added, probably because Jazz was blankly staring at him.
“Just say it,” he challenged and Will sat straight again.
“Are you suicidal? Do you plan on killing yourself? Or have someone help you die? And don’t just brush it off now, listen to yourself, closely and for a long moment before you answer,” he hissed across the table and Jazz took a deep breath, but stopped himself from answering when Will just shrugged.
“I’m here because I want to go back to work, and after I’m done scheduling my appointments with you, I’m going to a jewelers because there is a woman out there who currently doesn’t wear the right ring on her finger. After I did that, I’m going to shave my beard off so I look like the guy I was before I left for my deployment, hoping that it’ll get me a little closer to feeling like it, too. And onceI did that, I’ll get in my truck and go to McCole’s because there my best friend and some comrades will be waiting to have a beer with me, although I won’t be drinking because maybe I get lucky and my son terrorizes his mom again during the night, meaning I get to see her and take care of my boy. I’ll be happy to hang out with people who actually made up the biggest part of my life for a long while. And then, when the sun comes up, I’ll be in the kitchen, making breakfast for my mom and sister since I put them through hell. Now, unless you didn’t get your answer, can we please schedule my appointments now?”
“I want to see you every day for at least ninety minutes until I decided I have enough of you,” Will gave back after what seemed to be an eternity and Jazz couldn’t help the happy smile spreading on his face. Finally things were going just the way he wanted them to go.
“It’s TR for you, and Christmas is almost upon us, so today is all about the calls!” Tessa knew she didn’t have any power over whom her team would put through, but that didn’t matter. She felt cheerier than she had in a long while and knew that it was due to the night Jesse had spent at her side.
“First caller. Hey Greg!”
“Hey TR, I’m actually a soldier just returning from a deployment and I heard your friend’s call for soldiers serving with a certain Corporal Jesse Connor. I’ve been by his side for four months. He was there already when I arrived, and he took me under his wing. It was my first time away from the US and he made it easy. Yes, it is hell down there and we lose people before we have a chance to get to know them better, but he still made being away on deployment easy because he made sure I felt as if I indeed had only brothers down there. Jazz showed me what it meant to be brothers-in-arms. I just wanted to say that because… well, I guess it’s easier saying thank you on the radio than in person.”
“Yeah, I realize a lot people find the rather anonymous
way better,” Tessa gave back. “Thank you for your call and merry Christmas. Next up, Tina.”
“Hey there! So, I’m calling because of Desert Heart, a.k.a. Jesse Connor. I don’t know him, and I know I never met him and won’t ever meet him, but I hope and wish that he’ll be fine, and that he can sort him and his girl out, because it sounds like a sweet love story. And hey, I think we all deserve to be loved, right? Those were my two cents. Merry Christmas, TR.”
“Merry Christmas to you, too. And one more caller before the next song. This is TR, who’s there?” She swallowed as she realized that each and every caller that day would probably have the same topic. As much as she’d been excited to be in the studio, she now wasn’t sure she’d be able to deal with it.
“TR, I’m calling from hell. Yes, Jazz’s hell. And yes, we know him. We’ve served side by side with him here, and we know all about his forever girl, too. Everyone’s calling to tell him he’ll manage and they hope he’ll be okay. My boys and I, we decided to call to tell her to hang on. We know what he’s going through, but we also know how much she means to him. For her it’ll be an up and down while he’s just going through the down all the time, until hopefully having only ups. Forever girl, don’t give up, because if you love him only half the way he loves you, nothing is lost. Plus, you give us hope that our girls are out there and ready to fight. So… Merry Christmas, Forever Girl. May it be a time filled with miracles for you.”
The guy had disconnected the call before Tessa had a chance to say something to that. “Same, soldier. I hope you and all of your comrades down there will be safe. Not only for the Christmas time, but until you come back. Thank you for your service.”
She turned on a song and then pinched the bridge of her nose, tears silently falling down her cheeks until hitting the console. She no longer had any doubt that every person out there knew exactly that Desert Heart and she belonged together.
“Are you okay?” Ash stood in the doorway, watching her.
“Sure, boss. It’s just hard, to be honest, because I really want to hear all that and yet, as of right now, Jazz and I are in a place where we see each other and he knows what he wants, but I don’t know if I’m ready to go there again.”
“PTSD, isn’t it?”
Tessa nodded and then cocked her head. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy that we didn’t really get a chance to… I don’t know, connect, I guess.” And she hadn’t. She’d seen him almost every day since she came, had called a ‘hi’ out to him before passing and going in here. Sometimes she’d get instructions, but that had been the extent of it.
“We knew we were getting a superstar, and since we didn’t have troubles with you, it’s okay. I was ready to let you roam free.” He winked and she rolled her eyes, putting her headphones back on.
“And here we are again. Tank is next.” She was proud of herself for not even hesitating at the name. Instead she wondered what he’d want.
“T, what’s up? I’m hanging out with our boy Desert Heart today, and I just wanted to tell the world out there things are looking up. Forever girl hasn’t exactly forgiving our soldier for breaking her heart yet again, but let’s be honest here, my homeboy is epic and he’ll melt her heart again, and they’ll be all cozy and shit. Anyway,” Tank explained, clearing his throat. “Thank you to all the people who took interest in this story and everyone who worked to get Desert Heart the peace of mind he deserved. You probably influenced a lot of lives.” Another time he cleared his throat and Tessa did the same. “Merry Christmas, and I’m totally going to say, Christmas forever girl and Desert Heart will be sitting together. Hey, after all they are akin to hope for a lot of people. They don’t get their shit together and no one else needs to hope. So, anyway, that’s it.”
Tess had to laugh because this was exactly the Tank she knew. “Thanks, Tank.”
She looked at Ash, who still leaned against the doorframe, and after a second of contemplation, she turned back to the mic. “This radio show, this station, gave me a chance to live everything I wanted to have, everything I always dreamed of… until I met my soldier. I don’t know how many of you know my story, and I don’t know how many of you bothered going back to listen to the first shows when barely anyone was on air with me, but I love that soldier. I have since I first met him, and I will even if we never again find a way together. Whatever comes, just like you all, I am ready to help him through all he has to deal with, and my heart goes out to all those women out there, all those men, all those partners of soldiers who returned from their duty a little broken, a lot bent, and sometimes shattered. We knew what we signed up for when dating a soldier, but we didn’t think we’d be bleeding alongside them, no matter what. If they push us away, we’re running against their walls until they let us in, and then stumble back once they realize they cannot deal with us that day. Soldiers, broken and scarred, we love you, and we always will, and we’ll try our hardest to love you enough to piece you back together.” She swallowed, wondering how best to go on. “That said I’d like to point out that my soldier is my safety blanket, has been since I met him, but currently it’s torn and I never know when I’ll be falling through. I have my needle and thread ready to fix what I can… including myself. I haven’t given up. I just have slowed down, because if we do it this time around, either we do it right or not at all. And that’s what all of you should do. Do it right. Love, live, laugh, and remember the good times when the bad get too dark. I talked away all the call time, so here’s our next song.”
She lowered her head, wondering if Jazz had heard her. Tank was right: Jazz would melt her heart no matter what she’d wanted because he was Jazz. Somewhere underneath that beard-covered, self-doubting shell was the guy who’d found her at the airport and had handed her his army hoodie even though it was rather cold. She knew if he wanted, that was the guy he’d get out again.
A round of cheering welcomed Jazz when he entered McCole’s, and he couldn’t help the wide grin splitting his face. Jonas, Seb, Timothy, and Seth were there, hollering the moment they spotted him.
“Man, look at you!” they called in unison before getting up to man-hug him.
“Where’s the cave-man look?” Tank asked, stepping up to him.
“Gone.”
“Obviously. You look like the fucker I used to work with,” Tank replied, his lips twitching at the corners.
“You can smile, you know?” Jazz teased, wanting the tension between them to vanish. It was going to be hard enough to make the hesitance vanish from Tessa’s face. He simply had hoped they’d do the guys’ thing and ignore fights ever happened.
“Guys don’t smile. I’m a cool soldier. Did you see the redhead over there?” He nodded his chin toward something behind him.
Of course he hadn’t. In fact, he hadn’t seen any girl, not after stepping into the bar and certainly not when crossing it. He was a man on a mission.
“Sure, all of them. All six. And the three blondes. And the one brunette,” he gave back and all guys laughed.
“He hasn’t. Nothing changed since he met Tessa. He’s still all over her,” Seb pointed out, grinning.
“I’m not surprised, she is beautiful,” Tim recalled and then sighed.
“And she’s the mother of my son.”
Silence greeted the statement and Jazz bit his cheeks because he felt stupid beaming like he wanted to, and it hit him there that it was the first time he felt the pride and joy every father should feel—and every husband, too.
“Son?” Jonas finally echoed and Jazz took out his phone, showing off the few pictures he had.
“That’s Tess?” Jonas wondered and Jazz nodded.
“I remembered her as kinda sweet, but this… she’s beautiful. And with a child…” He shook his head and Jazz shrugged.
“It does something to you, doesn’t it? Seeing your woman with a child?” Seb asked, his voice subdued, and Jazz watched him for a moment. He knew his friend had once had it all, but to his dismay he had to admit Jazz didn’t kn
ow what had happened.
“Yes, it does. The problem is that currently she isn’t my woman, and, well, you’re all here because I need to change that.”
Tank groaned and the rest eyed Jazz. He felt slightly bad for having all of them there and not going through with his buddy plan, or rather not only his buddy plan, but he knew they’d all forgive him anyway.
“What exactly can we do?” Tim questioned and Jazz took a deep breath.
“Well, here’s what I plan…” It took ten minutes to explain his next steps, but when no one protested or asked him if he were sure this would win Tessa over, he figured they’d be ready to support him no matter how simple—and yet in his mind brilliant—his proposal was going to be.
Jazz couldn’t remember when he’d last tied a tie around his neck, and a real one at that. None of the strap-on or clip-on shit for his proposal night.
“You look good, son,” his mother stated from the doorway and he turned, still trying to fix the knot so it would satisfy him. The blood red tie simply didn’t do what he wanted.
“You’re trembling, Jesse,” his mother pointed out, crossing the few steps between them to take the task from him. “Another flashback?”
“Believe it or not, mom, as much as I’m sure I know how Tessa will react, I am actually nervous, because… well, sometimes that woman doesn’t do what I expect her to do, and that scares the ever-living shit out of me,” he admitted, curling and uncurling his hands at his sides.
“What if she says ‘no’?” Ela wanted to know.
Jazz had tried to think about that moment, and had to say it was a rather real possibility no matter what he liked to tell himself. The thing was nothing would prove to her how serious he was but a ring, and additionally it didn’t matter when he proposed because this marriage was going to happen—and Tessa loved him. He’d felt it when last seeing her, had seen it in her eyes and the longing projected there.
“You think she will?” he finally asked out loud as his mother stepped back, nodding in satisfaction, then meeting his eyes.
