And Yesterday Is Gone

by Dolores Durando

“Let me show you something,” the doctor said, and stepped back into the operating room.

  He returned with a tray. On it lay a two-inch ribbon of steel. Juan looked at the death on a tray and shuddered. He put his head against the wall and his shoulders shook.

  The doctor gave him a playful shake. “Stop or you’ll have me there beside you and that will ruin my professional dignity. Call his wife.”

  Dr. Teddy reached for the ringing phone, but Rica had it and listened while the rest held their breath. She dropped the phone, turned, and said in a voice she didn’t recognize as human, “Thank God. They got it out and he’s alive.”

  The floor rose up to meet her. Ma caught her as she fell and held her as a child. “She is Steve’s love—I must keep her safe for him.”

  That night, Teddy said, “I’ll say my own prayers tonight and I’ll put in a good word for you.” She turned off the light.

  Sara smiled to herself in the darkness.

  The next morning the family met with the doctor and he explained the process they followed and added, “He also has a severe concussion and is probably deaf. His hearing may be partially regained. His foot is repaired, but he will always have a limp,” he smiled, “to remind him not to go to war again. We took out a lot of shrapnel. I have him in an induced coma for a couple of weeks or more to allow that head to heal with no movement.

  “The Man upstairs did indeed guide my hand, but extracting that steel has taken years of my life—it was a difficult and scary surgery. He’s in intensive care and you may visit briefly, but you won’t see anything but bandages.”

  He nodded to Juan. “Would you like to join me for coffee?”

  Juan walked with him down the hall. He was impressed with this tall, lanky doctor who had the coppery red hair and blue eyes of the Irish. “The best surgeon in the city,” Dr. Teddy had declared.

  Impressive, too, was the excellent personal treatment plan and interest shown. Steve lacked for nothing—he had the best that money could buy.

  There was something about this doctor that caught Juan’s interest and wouldn’t go away. Was it the way his hands moved so surely, or the questioning look in those blue eyes?

  • • •

  Steve had been in an induced coma for two weeks, and Juan had spent part of every one of those days at Steve’s bedside.

  Dr. O’Connor frequently came by at the same time. The two men slowly built a friendship that gave comfort to both of them. It was during that time that Dr. O’Connor became “Shaun,” and Mr. Miguel became “Juan.”

  Another week went by. The doctor shook his head and spoke quietly. “We took him off the medication a few days ago. He should be showing some positive signs by now. The shrapnel in his head came out in one piece. Pray an infection doesn’t develop or that there isn’t another sliver farther in. I dare not go back into the brain any deeper.”

  Shaun saw the stricken look on Juan’s face and laid a compassionate hand gently on his shoulder. His touch brought tears and the broken words, “I love him so.”

  Utter desolation clawed at the hope that had begun to grow in Shaun’s entire being. Pity followed for Juan who would never know the love he craved from this man who had a wife and a life so different from their own.

  But hope dies hard, although the mute question in his eyes went unanswered as Juan’s emotions conflicted and sought their identity.

  Shaun’s touch caused a strong, hot current of desire to flash through Juan’s veins, and he struggled with feelings of guilt that he knew were ridiculous, but that place in his heart had always been inviolate for Steve.

  As always, Shaun lingered, reading the charts, taking notes, waiting for Juan to appear.

  Why can’t I admit to what I feel? It’s love. Why can’t I just say it? Shaun’s reason demanded. No, I won’t run a poor second. It will have to come from him. It’s too soon—there’s still time.

  The conflict in Juan’s mind grew. How can I love two men? I’ll always love Steve, but I can’t let Shaun go. I’ve been waiting all my life for someone to love me as I want to be loved. I feel Shaun loves me—it shows in every glance and hidden word.

  Dr. O’Connor’s professional cool betrayed him. The staff whispered: “He stumbles over his words.” “He doesn’t hear a word I say.” “His mind is on another planet.”

  Dr. Bower supported his associate with, “I think he’s not well and is working himself to exhaustion, probably coming down with something. Give him a break.”

  Dr. Teddy often accompanied Juan to the hospital and usually had long conversations with Dr. O’Connor about Steve. Her wise old eyes missed very little. She felt the tension between the two men and the reason was obvious.

  She left her clinic early and drove home. Sara was painting, but pulled off the paint-spattered smock as Teddy arrived.

  “Sara,” Teddy said as she tossed her coat over a chair, “can you please see if Mrs. Mackey has anything good to eat down there, and find a bottle of wine.” She walked quickly up the stairs to the study.

  With the poker, the coals were quickly stirred up and, when a log was thrown on, the fire crackled. Teddy found her favorite place on the sofa that Sara teased had the full imprint of her bottom forever indented in the cushion. She kicked off her shoes and leaned back as Sara appeared with a plate of cookies and the wine.

  “Fresh cookies. These should spoil your appetite for the roast Mrs. Mackey has in the oven.”

  “Sit down, my love. I’ll pour the wine. Where are the glasses? Or must I drink out of the bottle?” Teddy asked, looking about.

  “On the table beside you. You sound like you’ve already tasted the fruit of the vine. What makes you so happy?”

  “Happy? Astounded. You will be, too.

  “The unbelievable has happened. I strongly suspect that Juan is in love with Steve’s doctor, and it’s obvious, at least to me, that the feeling is mutual.” She paused to fill her glass.

  “Dr. O’Connor is the best young surgeon in the city with a great future. I am so happy for Juan. I know Steve will be happy for him, too. Breaks my heart, though, that Steve is still swathed in bandages, many of which should be ready to come off, yet he’s still comatose. They took enough metal out of him to build a railroad, but it’s that piece that was in his head that’s causing the problem.”

  “I don’t want to talk about Steve’s problems now that you’ve opened Pandora’s box,” Sara said as she moved closer. “Tell me, hurry,” but then she interrupted herself. “I could see such changes in Juan. His painting—what little he does of it—has completely changed. Wild, crazy colors; he’s just smearing his canvas. Everything is so different from what he’s always done. Of course, I have attributed that to his concern for Steve.

  “This would be the first man who has ever captured Juan’s interest, and there have been many who tried.” She paused to refill their glasses and pulled the cookies closer.

  Teddy sipped her wine, her eyes following the reflection of the fire in her glass. She spoke thoughtfully. “It is obvious to me that there is a very strong attraction there. I know Juan feels guilty. It has always been Steve and Steve needs to cut the cord. It is choking Juan’s future and Steve would never want that.

  “I pray he will recover consciousness. He has had a rough time; it is miraculous that Dr. O’Connor has kept him alive.”

  Laughing, Teddy added, “Juan acts like a schoolboy. After all these solitary years, happiness is within his reach. I think they are both afraid to face it squarely, afraid of the hurt that rejection would bring.

  “Of course, Dr. O’Connor is aware of Juan’s feelings for Steve. I feel he is waiting for Juan to get that into perspective. They are very formal in my presence, like two schoolboys in the principal’s office, but I can tell.”

  She turned and laid her arm around Sara’s shoulders to pull her close, then spoke softly.

  “Sara, I know how you love him, but do you love him enough to push him out of the nest?”

  Sara looked u
p, surprised. Was that a flash of anger in her eyes? She pulled away.

  Teddy, unruffled, continued. “He promised that he would never leave you and only you can let him go. Let him live in his own house and have the life we all dream of. Deep down, he is a very lonely man.

  “All our love cannot fill that void—that emptiness—that cries out for someone to wake up with in the morning.

  “Sara, we’ve enjoyed that happiness for more years than I can remember. Give him his chance now, for a life that we’ve lived with such peace and happiness.”

  Sara was troubled. Of course, Teddy’s words made perfect sense to her. Juan could travel the world over with someone that he loved, but she would always have her place in his heart, as he would live in hers.

  Teddy seem so sure that the doctor is seriously in love with Juan and I see it in Juan’s actions, too, Sara thought, and knew she would not stand in the way of his happiness.

  That evening at dinner, after the general talk of the day had dwindled, Sara turned to Juan.

  “Teddy has surprised me with the good news that she is retiring in thirty days. We are going to do what we’ve promised ourselves for a long time. We’re going to travel before we get too old. We may even winter on the French Riviera. Won’t that be wonderful?”

  Juan looked shocked. “Mamá, this is so very sudden. I don’t know that I can do that. I have a very big deal working and, of course, there’s Steve. I’d like to, but…”

  Sara got up and put her arms around him. “My dearest son, this isn’t about you. This is for us—two old ladies having their last fling. We plan to close up this big house. Mrs. Mackey has been wanting to move in with her sister. Mr. Mackey is ready, too—these big grounds are too much for him now. You have your lovely house close to Steve and Rica. What would Billy do without you? And what about Dr. O’Connor?”

  At the sound of his name, Juan flushed. “He’s just a friend.”

  “Teddy says he’d like to be more than a friend.”

  “Mamá, you’re embarrassing me.” But he couldn’t keep the smile from his voice.

  “We’ve scheduled our flight already. In five weeks, we’ll be in the air. Our first stop is Paris. Wish us well, my son,” she said as the tears wet her cheeks.

  Teddy had never loved her more.

  “Now I must spend some time at my own house. The kitchen needs a different color and my yardman is slacking on the job.” Juan’s voice had a lilt that Sara had never heard before.

  CHAPTER 44

  I opened my eyes to the light. Where was I? That thought found its way through my foggy brain. My mind whirled around. I sought safety in the darkness. My eyes closed and shut out the reality.

  Slowly I regained consciousness as I heard, from far away, the sound of voices. It couldn’t be Juan, could it? Then his hands were on my face and he was calling my name.

  “Steve, Steve, wake up.”

  Opening my eyes to Juan’s tear-streaked face. I knew I was home.

  It seemed seconds later that Rica’s arms tenderly, carefully wrapped around me. She was kissing me and crying softly as I drifted back to sleep.

  Dr. O’Connor spoke with a huge smile on his face. “His vital signs are all right where they should be. He’s doing better than I expected.”

  As I opened my eyes to the morning sun, I heard the click-click of high-heeled shoes and turned my head to see two beautiful girls: Daddy’s Babe in the lead, then Sarita, who were followed by my equally lovely wife.

  Bringing up the rear was my tall son, who was nearing his twenty- first birthday. He bent over to hug me and grinned. “Pop, you looked better the last time I saw you. Have you been sick?”

  But he couldn’t quite bring it off. When he straightened, his cheeks were wet, as were mine.

  Rica had her arms around as much of me as was possible and stifled her sobs in my pillow.

  Each girl held a hand.

  We were afloat in a sea of tears. Tears of gratefulness and joy.

  “You shouldn’t have so many visitors—you’re recuperating,” admonished a nurse.

  “So many? Never, never can I have too many of the people I love and who love me back.”

  When Dr. O’Connor came in later, I mumbled through my bandages. “Would you get in touch with Dr. Myers and tell him the party is still on? Since this is where he worked for years, I’m sure they will have his address.”

  “Of course. He was a very respected doctor here. Sorry I never got to meet him.”

  I liked this Irish doctor. He was with me often, sometimes to talk, to visit, even though my hearing was gone in one ear. Gradually, I noticed that a lot of his visits coincided with those of Juan’s. It was then that I became just an audience.

  Sis, Ma and Charles flew through the door, and once the hysterics were over, my helpless condition did not shield me from Sis’ assessment of my previous intelligence. Her stringent comments were accompanied by Charles’ laughter and Ma’s remonstrative, “Now, Sis, now, Sis—Sis!”

  The bandages on my body were being removed one by one as the wounds healed. I always kept them covered because I couldn’t bear to look at them myself. The foot remained in a cast. I was told that I would always walk with a limp. When I complained that the bandages on my head looked as though I was wearing a turban, the nurse replied tartly, “At least you’ve got a head to put in on.” I concluded she was right.

  More and more I was aware of the restrained courtship happening almost at my door. Juan had never shown interest in any of the suitors who had tried their luck. This was different.

  Dr. Teddy came by one day and got right to the point.

  “Steve, it is you who must cut the cord. You have always been his only love. He is tortured by the decision he must make. I know he hasn’t committed himself to Dr. O’Connor, but I also know he is deeply in love—as I’m sure you’ve seen. You must break the cord.

  “I know you love him and this is his chance for the happiness that you and I both have.”

  The thought occurred to me that I should have figured that out myself.

  Dr. Teddy continued. “Have you and Rica ever had a honeymoon? Now is the time. Take the kids; travel is an education. Did I tell you I have retired? Sara and I are going to Paris—for starters. Let’s give Juan some room. I’ll wager he will be honeymooning when we get back.”

  She leaned over and kissed me on my bandaged forehead. “We love you, too, Steve. You’ll always be family to us.”

  I was shocked, honored and humbled. I’d never known Dr. Teddy to kiss anyone but Sara.

  Later that evening, with visiting hours almost over, Juan and Rica came to visit. Rica looked so lovely that she took my breath away.

  Sis had come over earlier to say a tearful goodbye. She was lonesome for her kids and Tim. She said she was leaving me in good hands. Dr. Teddy took her to the plane. Ma stayed a few days longer.

  Rica laughed a little and said, “Well, I guess Ma’s been converted.”

  “To what?” I asked.

  “You’d never guess,” she answered. “Well, we were just talking and sipping tea. Then she got really quiet and said, ‘You and Steve are so fortunate to have such wonderful friends. Steve could never have a truer friend than Juan. They are like brothers. And those women are as concerned about Steve as though he were their son.’

  “ ‘Yes,’ I agreed, ‘we’ve known them for a very long time—around twenty-five years.’

  “Then, of course, I couldn’t resist a little jibe, knowing Ma’s previous adamant beliefs.

  “ ‘You know, of course, they are homosexual,’ and waited for her reaction.

  “She’d been giving this some thought; I could tell by her quick answer.

  “She said, ‘There never was a better man than Juan and those women have lived together for forty-five years. Sara told me, and I believe these are her exact words, ‘…and I have loved her for longer.’ Who can quarrel with that? The same God that judges them will judge me—judge not lest ye be j
udged.’ ”

  “That’s my Ma,” I said. “God’s in his ‘heaven and all’s right with the world.’ ”

  Dr. O’Connor happened by. “Stopped to see how my patient is doing.”

  We all chatted for a short while, then, kissing the hand I was holding, my words tumbled out.

  “Rica, when I get out of here, let’s you and I go on an extended honeymoon. We’ll take the kids—travel is education. We can be gone for as long as we like. I’m sure I don’t have a job anymore. Teddy and Sara are going to Paris. Why should they have all the fun?”

  Rica giggled like a girl. “Quick, Doctor, I think Steve is having a relapse…” Then, turning to me, she asked, “Honest? And take the kids?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  She flung her arms about me and kissed me all over my face, bandages and all.

  “Ireland. That’s the place to go,” Dr. O’Connor suggested.

  I looked at Juan’s flushed face, and the emotions that chased themselves back and forth told me that, indeed, this was the time.

  He stood. “Doctor, if the cafeteria is still open, let’s have a cup of coffee. Excuse us.”

  “Juan.” My voice stopped him at the door. “I wish for you, my brother, all the happiness your heart can hold.”

  That night Juan’s heart tuned out the world. There was only himself and Shaun.

  With the morning light, Juan turned his head to see tangled covers thrown back. The fragrant aroma of coffee drifted in and with it came a happy whistle that echoed in his heart.

  • • •

  I was sitting up when J.W. blustered his way past the nurse. He took my hand and his face twisted to what I knew he intended to be a smile. He pulled out an old tattered handkerchief from somewhere and blew his nose so loudly that the nurse scowled. After a few aborted starts, he spoke.

  “Well, you damn fool, I’ll give you credit. You did make it home. I’ve got an opening for a copy boy. Do you think you could handle that?”

  He released my hand as if surprised to find he was still holding it.

  When he had gone, my own tears flowed; J.W. had said “I love you” in the only way he knew.