Ever.
So I was eighteen and hanging on to my v-card. Big deal. Some people held on to it well into their twenties. I had time.
Luckily, he didn’t bring it up. Instead he nodded and tossed me a smile. “You’re right. I told Scott I’d get there early to help the band set up.”
Oh, great. He forgot to tell me that little tidbit of information. That was just how I wanted to spend my night, sitting on the sidelines while Joe pretended to be part of the band. But maybe Sadie would show up after her babysitting duties to see if Matt was hanging out. Poor girl was crushing hard.
I made a mental note to text her in the car. Joe took my hand, kissed the side of my head, and I followed him out the door, leaving all thoughts of Zach behind me.
Chapter 4
Trax was a dive bar close to campus where they didn’t ID and beers were sold by the bucketful. Permanent markers were placed in cups on the tables for your writing/drawing pleasure. The walls and tables were covered with song lyrics, love notes and some pretty impressive artwork.
It still reeked of cigarettes from the days when it was legal to smoke inside and choke your nonsmoking friends into an unhealthy cough-fest.
We didn’t even get two feet in before Joe ditched me for the band. Scott, the lead singer (who really screamed more than he sang), was setting up the microphone. Evan “E-Rock” Rochler, a somewhat dorky kid with glasses, thought jumping around the stage made up for his lack of talent. Then there was their bassist Charlie, who had more talent in her little finger than the boys combined, plugging into her amp.
I found an open booth in the corner and slid in. Thank heavens. The last thing I wanted was to stand all night getting bumped by some jackasses who thought they were moshing.
My phone buzzed and I looked down to see a text from my brother Josh.
We still on this weekend?
Josh was two hours away studying at his dream school, but we took turns visiting each other. Really, he visited me more since I was only an hour from home and he could see our parents in the same weekend.
Yup. Can’t wait J
I picked up a red Sharpie and started drawing. I drew a circle then looped another half circle on top.
“Don’t tell me you still draw that silly dog?” My head shot up at the voice. Blood rushed to my cheeks, but I couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. I looked down at the half-finished drawing then back up at Zach. His hand rested on the table and my brain betrayed me by taking a minute to remind me of how I used to draw it on his hand. And then the picture on my Zach box flashed in my head. I had to take the damn box out, didn’t I?
“My dog is not silly,” I spat and continued drawing the eyes and nose, too aware of the boy I once loved sitting across from me, and how those hands used to feel on me. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“Matt invited me.” He tossed his thumb over his shoulder in Matt’s direction just as Sadie walked in. “I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, leaning closer to the table. To me.
I didn’t look up. I didn’t want to look into those damn eyes of his. They were capable of turning stone to lava and should seriously have been registered as lethal weapons.
I focused on the whiskers of my awesome dog drawing. “I support my friends. I don’t ditch them.” I couldn’t help glancing up and taking pleasure in the wince my words caused.
“That’s not what I meant. I was surprised to see you at school today. I just always thought you’d go to a big, fancy, out-of-state school.”
I was supposed to. It was the plan. But life screwed me again. Those rejection letters had turned my already scorched heart to ash. I pushed the painful memories away and made the mistake of looking up. “I could say the same thing about you,” I said, my voice no more than a whisper.
Just looking into his familiar eyes caused a rush of feelings I didn’t want to revisit.
I needed to get away. I needed my best friend—the one who didn’t leave me behind. Before Zach could say another word I jumped up. I didn’t care that Sadie was strutting towards Matt; I needed her. But I didn’t want to lose my sweet-ass table.
So as much as it killed me to ask him, I sucked it up and did. “I have to go to the bathroom. Can you just stay here till I get back?” Sadness washed over me as soon as the words were out.
His final words the last time we were face-to-face haunted my thoughts. I promise you we’ll be together again. Less than two years till I get back.
He might be back now, but he was the one who stopped calling. I was trying to deal with Zach attending the same college as me—even accepting him sitting next to me in class—but hanging out with my friends was a whole other story. Especially when he was acting like nothing had changed. Didn’t he get it?
Everything had changed.
Before I could let him see the emotion play out on my face, I ran to Sadie who threw her head back and laughed at whatever Matt had just said.
I could see why Sadie liked him. While he was shorter than most guys, he still towered over her five-foot-three frame. His trademark Red Sox baseball cap, a homage to where he was born, and polo shirts combined the two types of guys she always leaned towards: jocks and preps.
Sadie had carried a torch for Matt for as long as I could remember. One day in the seventh grade Sadie had missed her bus, and Matt walked her home even though his bus was still in the parking lot, and he lived on the opposite end of town. Ever since that day Sadie laughed at whatever Matt said, even if it wasn’t funny, and would always find subtle ways to touch him.
She’d kill me later for pulling her away, but I grabbed her arm and tugged anyway. Poor Matt was left alone in midsentence.
Sadie narrowed her smoky eyes. “Liz, what the hell?”
“Did you see who’s here?” Her black hair was sleeked into a sexy ponytail that swayed when she went to look over her shoulder. I swatted at her arm.
“Don’t look!” Sheesh. Did I really have to explain that?
In the most pathetic attempt not to look obvious, she stretched her arms over her head and glanced behind her. She turned back, smoky gray eyes boring in on me. “Come on, what’s the big deal?” Sadie asked. I was happy she didn’t notice my eye roll. “It’s not like we’re going to hang out with him. He’s just here. You have to remember he had the same friends as us, and he stayed in contact with them.”
That’s what hurt the most. The fact he was able to keep a relationship with the majority of our friends but didn’t have the decency to end things properly with the girl he supposedly loved.
It was ridiculous to be holding on, but it didn’t stop me from doing so. Why should I let him off the hook just because he apologized?
“Fine, I guess, but I’m not talking to him.”
“No one is asking you to. Besides, Joe is here, so you two can find a corner and make out the whole time. But just for the record, if that’s what you plan on doing, you’re not sitting with me.”
“Duly noted.”
“Anyways, you look hot. So if you ask me, you won,” Sadie said, tossing her ponytail over her shoulder. She always looked like she had just walked off the red carpet of a Bollywood premiere, especially when she had to dress up in her sari. I don’t think she’d had a zit in her entire life either, unlike me, who constantly battled those irritating red spots.
“Won what?” I asked, unaware I was taking part in a game.
“The breakup.”
“I didn’t know it was a competition.”
“Of course it is. And just FYI, if you want Zach to keep away from you, you might want to stop looking so good.” She reached over and flipped my hair with the back of her hand.
“I’m not trying to look good for Zach.”
“If you say so,” she said with a roll of her perfectly outlined eyes. As if I knew Zach was going to be here. Trust me, if I knew, I never would’
ve showed in the first place.
“I’m going to get a bucket. Do you want anything?” I might have been the one who’d started the conversation, but I needed to get away from it. And even though beer was not my drink of choice, it was cheap and did the trick.
“No, I’m good. I have to drive. Are you?”
“Joe can drive my car home.”
“When have you ever known Joe to stay sober?” she asked, arching a perfectly shaped eyebrow.
“He drinks all the time. It’s my turn.”
“If you say so.” She waved to Ruthie, who was making her way towards us.
I walked up to the bar and squeezed between the crowds of people. Why were there so many people here anyway? Didn’t they realize who was playing tonight? Purge wasn’t exactly . . . good.
The bartender leaned in, but I still had to shout my order. After some back and forth he figured out what I wanted and handed over a bucket filled with ice and six bottles of beer. I paid and just as I was about to push through the crowd, Zach stood in front of me with that stupid grin of his. When his hand reached out, I couldn’t stop from sucking in a nervous breath. His fingers skimmed the skin of my hand and reached in for a bottle. “Since when did you start drinking beer?” he asked as he twisted the cap off and took a swig.
Did I offer him one? I don’t think so! And like I was going to stand there and fill him in on everything since he left.
“Maybe if you called, you’d know.” I stared him down with an intensity I’d never felt before. I remembered the endless nights of staying home with my phone, waiting for it to ring. Waiting to hear his voice. Scared to accept the fact it was over. A year of buildup rose inside of me. But just as the anger was about to boil over and turn to pathetic tears I pushed past him.
His hand gripped my wrist and pulled me back, the bucket the only thing keeping me from being pushed against his chest. A chest I spent so many nights snuggled up to. I hated how I still knew exactly what it felt like to be there. How happy it once made me.
“Don’t touch me,” I yelled and his hand dropped my wrist like it scorched his skin. Shock swept across his features and for a single second I felt guilty for being so harsh. But then guilt was lost to the hole that still pierced my heart.
He rubbed the back of his neck, and his dark eyes softened. Warm breath shot chills up my spine as he leaned in close to my ear. “I told you I was sorry.”
I stepped back, knocking into a guy behind me. My balance wavered, but before I could fall, Zach’s hand reached out and caught me. I glanced down at his hand, and just as I felt the heat radiating from his touch, he let go.
“Sorry won’t give me back the time I wasted crying over you. It won’t take back the fact my crying overtook my schoolwork. And it definitely won’t change the fact that it cost me the only thing I ever really wanted. My ticket out of here.”
Shock-widened eyes stared back at me. For once, Zach was speechless. Good. I didn’t care what he had to say. I pulled out a bottle, popped the top and walked away, guzzling until nothing was left.
And crap! He totally abandoned my sweet-ass table. Figures. I couldn’t count on him. I leaned against a graffitied wall, the bucket hanging like a wristlet as I popped open another beer.
An hour later, Scott and the band were finally ready to start and I’d had enough. I’d drunk all the beer, minus the bottle Zach stole.
Joe was helping with the last-minute setup and I stumbled over to him. “I’m ready.”
“What? Babe, the guys are just getting ready to go on.” He stuck his lip out in his sad puppy-dog way.
“I’m tired.” I pouted my lip back and waited for him to give in to my cuteness.
“Go back to the booth and take a nap. We’ll leave as soon as they’re done. Promise.”
I rolled my eyes and staggered away, reached into my bag and pulled out my keys. I was usually the DD, but tonight . . . oops.
“I don’t think so.” My keys vanished, and I jumped to grab the hand that took them.
Zach! Ugh! I should’ve known. “Give me my keys!” He was always taller, and while I used to love how he towered over me, at times like these it was seriously inconvenient.
“No way in hell I’m letting you drive.”
I planted my hands on my hips and did my best not to sway. “Why not?”
“Because you’re drunk.”
“You’re not my keeper.”
“No, I’m not. But since your boyfriend doesn’t seem to care, someone has to. And besides, your brother would kick my ass if he knew I’d let you drive like this.”
“Of course, because you two still talk. Well la-de-freakin-da. Give me my damn keys.” I jumped again and tried to grab them, but regardless of my drunken coordination, Zach was quick. In one swift motion, he shoved the keys in his pocket and tossed me over his shoulder.
Face-to-face with his butt, I couldn’t help remembering the time we went skinny-dipping at Front Beach. Even swimming naked side by side, he never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to. As always, he was the perfect gentleman. Never letting his hands wander too far south.
Stupid memories.
“Put me down,” I demanded, but he didn’t listen.
“Say goodbye to Sadie and our friends,” Zach said, turning me to where she stood in the corner with Matt and Ruthie.
“They are not our friends. They are my friends,” I said, but the band started and I didn’t think my words were heard over Scott’s screeching.
Sadie exchanged a few words with Zach and then waved goodbye. Traitor. I’d remember that when she wanted to get out of one of her parents’ many attempts at finding her a husband.
Outside I gave up the fight and welcomed the cool air. At my car, Zach opened the passenger door and gently placed me in the seat. He reached across, warm chest pressed against mine, and buckled my seat belt.
I tried to hold my head up and give him a dirty look, but it felt like it weighed nine hundred pounds and I wasn’t strong enough.
Zach’s hand cupped my face, holding it up so I looked into those dark, beautiful eyes of his. Warmth spread across my cheeks, seeping into the rest of my body. He pushed my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ears. I wanted to be mad, but I didn’t have the energy to care.
“You’re a mess.” His lips turned into the smirk I dreamed about for months after he stopped calling. “What happened to my Lizzie?”
“You left her,” I managed to get out before my eyelids became too heavy and I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 5
The next morning I woke to what felt like an elephant on my head, my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, and no recollection of how I got in bed. I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it. The morning sunshine streamed through my window like a curtain of bright torture.
A low growl rose in my throat and I threw my blanket back over my head. I didn’t have class till late and my committee meeting wasn’t for another few hours.
“Rise and shine!” Sadie yelled, flinging my curtains open, turning the stream of light into an all-consuming inferno.
“I hate you.”
“I’m not the one who told you to drink an entire bucket of beer.”
Did I? If my memory served me correctly, and granted it was a little foggy, Zach took one. Zach. A rush of moments from the previous night flooded my mind.
My head nuzzling against Zach’s chest as he carried me into my apartment. The smell of spice cookies and how I grabbed his neck and pulled him closer to get a better whiff. Oh God. If only there was mouthwash for the brain. Brain wash. They could make a fortune on that stuff.
“There’s Advil, water and a bottle of Gatorade on your nightstand. I suggest you get chugging.” Sadie sat on the edge of my bed, looking like a freaking model.
“I hate you, but love you too.”
“I
didn’t do it. Honestly I’d almost prefer to let you suffer. Did you really think you were going to get behind the wheel? Seriously! You know better than that.”
“I know.” It was just seeing Zach after all that time, and having him act like seeing me didn’t bother him, made something inside of me snap.
I rubbed at the headache that was growing by the minute. It was like one of those dinosaurs you dropped in water and it expanded to quadruple its size. I reached for the Advil and downed the bottle of water.
“And you can thank Zach later tonight when we go bowling with everyone.”
“No! I am not going bowling with him. He can’t just come back to town and act like nothing changed.” He couldn’t just carry me to bed, leave me with the ultimate hangover kit and call it even.
Not even close.
“If I remember correctly, you’ve moved on. At least that’s what you said. I was ready for a battle, but you told me you didn’t need closure. You were good.”
“I did. And I am.”
“Then what’s the big deal?” Sadie said, tossing her black hair over her shoulders before walking out.
I dragged myself out of bed and showered the night off of me. If only I could shower the thoughts of snuggling Zach’s neck away. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t. So much time had passed, yet I still fell under his spell.
Besides, it wasn’t my fault he smelled so damn good. I swore the boy bathed in a pool of spice cookie batter.
I slipped into my skinny jeans, a black sweater and my riding boots then headed back to campus. It was going to be a long day.
***
Professor Mulligan and I came up with the idea for the beach clean-up committee when she helped me with a paper outlining the effects of plastic pollution on our local beaches. In a few short months we had removed 2,136 cigarette butts, 86 plastic bags, a tire, 3 flip-flops, 52 plastic bottles, 11 latex balloons and what felt like several tons of fishing wire, from the local beaches.
You’d think the shock factor would wear off. It hadn’t. How hard was it to pick up your trash? I for one wasn’t going to be responsible for killing an innocent sea turtle.
(Never) Again Page 3
