I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “That’s great.” I forced my eyes away from him and focused on the seagull flying above.
It was awkward. After treating him the way I did then finding out why he was here, I felt guilty. It was weighing heavy on my mind. I wanted to explain that I didn’t mean to be so awful, but how could I do that without bringing up the past?
The past was just that—the past. I was sick of living it. Zach went pumpkin picking because Josh invited him. Because despite everything that happened between Zach and I, he and Josh were still friends. And even when Zach uttered those stupid words in my ears, it wasn’t the first time he quoted a movie. He just happened to pick the one quote I never forgot.
All the time I thought Zach was trying to ruin my life, it was really just a figment of my imagination. He wasn’t trying to ruin anything. He was just trying to go on with his life. He’d moved on and it was time I did the same. There was no use dwelling on what had happened because no matter how much I dwelled and no matter how many times I analyzed every little detail the outcome would always be the same. Time changed us and we were different.
It was time for a clean slate. To fix the mistakes I made when he first showed up on campus and stepped back into my life.
“Za . . .”
“Li . . .”
“You go first,” I said and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Warm tingles ran through me as I remembered Zach’s hand doing the same thing at the pumpkin field.
“No, you go. Ladies first.”
Always the gentleman. “I . . . uh . . .” I looked up only to be met by a raised eyebrow. “I’m glad you’re here.”
What! Where did that come from?
His eyes sparkled with pleasure as he gave me a cocky grin and said, “Me too.” Then his grin slowly faded, the playfulness no longer visible. My body froze under the intensity. I saw the passion I once knew creep into his expression, and I should have pulled away.
I didn’t.
The way he looked at me was like no one else ever had. His eyes zeroed in on mine, then made their way down my body. My face flushed, and when his eyes came back to mine I nearly melted into the sand. I should have walked away. But it wasn’t just any guy. It was Zach.
I leaned closer, wanting, needing to feel his touch, to have his fingers run along my jaw and pull me close so I could smell his scent. As if he could read my mind he moved towards me. His hand stroked my arm, leaving a trail of goose bumps. His fingers moved from my arm up to my neck, and when he rested his hand under my chin, my entire body was tingling.
Familiar warmth flowed through me as he gently tilted my head up. Words couldn’t save me. All of my emotions were on display, making me vulnerable in the worst way.
“Lizzie.”
I didn’t correct him. I wanted to know what he was going to say.
Needed to know.
His eyes darkened, making the conflict in his mind visible. He was thinking of holding back. I couldn’t let him. For over a year I’d hoped to get a peek into his thoughts, to know everything that was running through his head.
I turned my cheek into the hand holding my chin and rubbed against it. He let go and ran his hand up my jaw. Heat built inside of me and I felt like I was on the verge of disintegrating.
For a long time he studied me, his thumb stroking my cheek. “I—”
“Help!” The scream of distress knocked me out of my trance. Zach’s hand slid from my face, and panicked shouts echoed through my ears.
Zach bolted. He stripped his shirt off mid-stride and grabbed at his sneakers as he ran to where the waves met the shoreline.
A large wave swelled onto the sand and Zach dove in. Tanya was flailing in the distance, water flying, arms flopping. Her face was twisted in fear and desperation, strands of red curls covering it as each wave pulled her farther away.
“She can’t swim well!” Vicky screeched.
Professor Mulligan ran across the beach, hands frantically reaching into her pocket. She retrieved her cell phone and dialed.
We made it to Vicky at the same time. Tears were streaming down her face and her body was shaking. I should’ve comforted her in some way, but my eyes were too focused on Zach and the giant wave crashing down on his head.
I sucked in a gasp, but he quickly sprang back to the surface.
“Please help!” Professor Mulligan said into the phone. “There are two students caught in the surf. Yes. Harrison Beach. Thank you. Please hurry.” I gave her credit for keeping it calm. If the fear hadn’t paralyzed me, I would’ve been screaming.
The rest of the committee had joined us, eyes glued to Tanya and Zach.
“It’s going to be okay,” Professor Mulligan said to Vicky.
How did she know that? Zach was a good swimmer, I remembered that much. But the riptide was strong and every time he gained an inch he lost two.
Oh God! What if he didn’t come out? What if he was washed away? A shudder racked my body, but I closed my eyes, pushing away all thoughts of Zach dead on the beach out of my mind.
“She saw a plastic bag by the water and went to grab it,” Vicky choked out. “I told her not to. And then a wave crashed down and pulled her in.” Professor Mulligan rested her hands on Vicky’s shoulders, her gaze never once leaving the two bobbing bodies in the water.
Vicky squeezed Professor Mulligan’s hand and wiped away a tear.
My eyes went back to the water. Another wave crashed down on Tanya, the white wash throwing Zach another foot away. He reached out to her, and she dove towards him. I sucked in a breath as she pushed his head under. My heart raced in fear as another wave crashed down. Where the hell was he? I was ready to strip my clothes off and dive in to rescue him when his head resurfaced.
I couldn’t help clapping as he motioned to Tanya to jump on his back and began to swim towards the shore.
He reached the sand and with his arms wrapped around her waist he dragged her ashore. The group circled around them.
Vicky dropped to her knees and flung her arms around Tanya.
“Are you okay?” Professor Mulligan asked and Vicky pulled away.
“That was freaking awesome,” Chris said and patted Zach on the back.
He didn’t acknowledge anyone. His eyes focused on Tanya. He gripped her chin in his hand just like he’d gripped mine earlier. “Are you okay?” he asked.
She nodded, then burst into tears. Her scrawny arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him close. Too close.
Seeing Zach with Tanya’s head pressed into the crook of his neck pulled at the sixteen-year-old girl inside of me, the one who had never fully let go. The one who was still in love with him.
Chapter 12
After my moment of insanity thinking I was still in love with Zach, I made an effort to return to dreaming of Joe and how amazing our first time was going to be. How it was going to change our relationship, make us stronger than ever, and how my feelings for him would only deepen.
The weekend could not arrive soon enough.
Each time I kissed Joe, I thought about that night with frustrated anticipation. I hadn’t told him. I figured it would be that much better if he didn’t know until the minute it happened.
I had set the date. Josh would arrive Friday. The party would be Saturday night. Josh would be back on the road early Monday morning, and by Tuesday I would no longer be a virgin. It was about time. I was sick of being the only one left.
Just thinking about it gave me butterflies in my stomach combined with an awkward feeling of giddiness that made me want to randomly start clapping to myself. I refrained.
In all my planning and plotting, I only thought of the positives. A possible negative never crossed my mind. I should have known right then and there that nothing goes according to plan. But still, I never would have guessed the bitch slap that life had w
aiting for me.
On Friday, I called my parents to wish them a safe trip.
“Kiss Josh for me. I can’t believe I’m not going to be there for one of his visits. You’ll help him with his laundry, right?” Mom asked.
“I told him to do his laundry at his own place. And no I will not kiss him for you.” I scrunched my nose. “Have fun.”
With that, Mom told me she loved me and hung up.
Josh wasn’t arriving until later that night, so I grabbed my books and headed for the campus library. I had to write a critical essay on The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco for my history class. We had to cite five sources, two of which could not be internet-based. To the library it was.
I pulled into the parking lot and headed down the path towards the library. I texted Joe, but didn’t hear back from him. I assumed he wouldn’t make it to his one p.m. class.
A guy and girl I had never seen before walked by me and the guy called over his shoulder, “Can’t wait for the party tomorrow!”
This had been happening all week. People I’d never met, coming up to me and telling me they’d see me at my party. That was life on a college campus, but I was starting to worry my apartment wouldn’t be large enough to house all these people.
Luckily, Sadie had talked with the neighbors on either side of us and they were going to leave their doors open. The one good thing about living in an apartment building so close to campus was that most people in the building were college students.
I heard a giggle to my left, and I turned to see Zach leaning against a tree and Tanya resting her hand on his chest. I stopped walking, my eyes fixated on them.
Her attempts at flirting were a little too aggressive if you asked me, but Zach didn’t seem to mind. He looked content and made no effort to move her hand, laughing easily at something she said. The urge to stomp over there and pry her off him was strong, but I had no right. Despite my momentary lapse in sanity that day on the beach he didn’t belong to me anymore. He was single. Free. Able to do as he pleased. And Tanya had every right to pursue him.
Before they could see me stalking them, I continued back on the path, but it was too late. My name floated across the quad, and I was caught.
I glanced back at Zach. He waved at me, said something to Tanya and called out, “Wait up!” as he ran towards me.
If I was in the English building, I would’ve dived back into the girls’ bathroom and pretended I didn’t see him. But I was in the open with nowhere to hide. Not to mention it hadn’t really worked out for me the first time around. So I stood there and waited.
Zach’s long legs carried him across the lawn with ease. A smile was plastered across his face, which probably meant he’d stopped by to see Mimi this morning and she had been having a good day. The thought made me smile. God, I hoped he didn’t think I was smiling at him.
His lip quirked up at the side. “Happy to see me?”
Damn him! I went to toss out a comment that would spiral us into our usual sarcastic banter when he took my books out of my hand. “What are you doing?”
“Carrying your books for you. Where we headed? The library?”
I went to take my books back, but he pulled his arms away. Muscles tightened under his shirt as he hugged the books to his chest.
“We’re not going anywhere,” I said. “I’m going to the library.”
“I don’t have a class right now. I’ll walk you.”
It was like high school all over again. He would wait for me outside of my classroom and after we passed each other our notes, he’d take my books and walk me to my next class.
“It’s not necessary. I’m capable of walking and carrying my own books.”
“I never said you weren’t. So, what’s going on at the library?” He fell into step beside me, completely changing the subject.
“Nothing. I have a paper to write.”
He looked down at my book. “The Name of the Rose. Have you read it?”
“Half of it.”
“Pretty awful, isn’t it?”
“The worst. I fell asleep reading it the other night. I can’t go a page without my eyes glossing over.”
“I had to read it a few months ago,” he said. “I can fill you in on the rest. I have the movie, too. I bought it online thinking it’d be easier than reading. It wasn’t. But I’d be willing to lend it to you if you wanted.”
My ears perked up, and I stopped, grabbing his elbow. “There’s a movie?” He nodded, and I wanted to jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. “That is the best thing I’ve heard all week.”
“Tell you what. Go to the library, check out the books you need and meet me at my place in an hour. We can watch it and then if you want, I can help you with your paper.”
“Really? You said the movie was bad. You’d sit through it again?”
“For you? You know I would.”
I don’t know what came over me. The relief of knowing there was a movie, the excitement of not having to read the book, my anticipation for the upcoming weekend. Whatever it was, I can honestly say it took over my body. I jumped up and kissed Zach on the cheek, circling my arms around his neck.
As soon as my arms linked, I realized my mistake. His spicy scent filled my head, his warmth wrapped around me like a comforting blanket and I was lost in familiar memories.
Zach hovered over me, my back pressed into the softness of my mattress while Titanic played in the background. He always let me pick the movies, but that was because we barely ever watched them.
The ship hadn’t even set sail when Zach had crawled on top of me and started raining kisses down the side of my neck.
Popcorn sat uneaten on my nightstand—as far as my parents knew we were settled in watching a movie. If they opened the door, Zach would never be allowed in my bedroom again.
I had flipped the lock on my door even though I was told not to. Oops.
My hands travelled up Zach’s face, running through his hair. I pulled his head to mine and pressed my mouth to his, trailing my tongue along his mouth. His lips parted, allowing our tongues to meet.
I rose up, pressing my hips to his. He was hard against me and I wondered what it would be like to go all the way. I ran my hands under his shirt, warmth radiating off his skin and warming me all over.
I tugged at his shirt and pulled it over his head. He kissed my nose and drew back looking into my eyes. “We should slow down,” he said.
I knew he didn’t want to stop, but I also knew that he thought I wasn’t ready. Whenever we got too hot and heavy, he always showed unbelievable restraint and pulled away. But I wanted him. Needed him. I was so sure I was ready.
“Don’t stop,” I whispered. I leaned up and drew him back to me.
“Are you sure?” he asked, tucking my hair behind my ears.
I nodded, completely certain I was ready. His mouth crushed into mine and I lifted, allowing him to pull my shirt over my head. He kissed a path down my neck into the rise of my breasts.
Large hands splayed across my back and with one quick movement my bra fell forward. His hands moved from my back, replacing the cups of the bra. Goosebumps spread across my body as he ran a thumb across my nipple before dipping his head down and taking it into his mouth.
My head fell back in ecstasy, and I rocked against him. His tongue moved down to my stomach and stopped at the top of my jeans. He placed his hands over the button, my heart raced and just as he was about to slide it open, I pulled back.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted then covered my face with my hands. I bit back my embarrassment as a tear fell down my cheek.
I thought I was ready. I did. But as soon as his hands travelled south, fear overtook me. Embarrassment replaced all my other emotions, and I couldn’t look at him. I’d done it again.
The bed shifted with his weight and his hand rested on mine, pulling
it away from my face. “Don’t cry. It’s okay.” He took my bra and slid it up my arms, pulling me onto his lap as he fastened it back into place. I nuzzled my head against his bare chest, allowing the spicy scent to calm me. He kissed my nose and reached for my shirt, before pulling it over my head and smoothing it into place.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to. I want to. I just—”
“Shh.” He rested his finger on my lips, dark eyes watching me intently. “You never have to apologize to me. And I never want to make you do anything you don’t want to. Just say no and I’ll stop. No questions asked.”
I looked up at the boy who managed to make me fall in love with him more every day and smiled. “Thank you.”
He bent down and kissed my nose, slid his shirt back on then positioned himself against my headboard. “Come here, and watch the movie with me.” He pulled me against him and I snuggled up into his warmth.
I didn’t realize how long we’d been making out until I glanced up at the TV just in time to see Rose on the floating door and Jack holding her hand, slowly freezing to death in the water.
Zach pressed his lips to my ear and whispered, “I’ll never let go.”
***
I dragged my thoughts back to the present, released my grip from Zach’s neck and jumped away from him. “I can’t. Watch a movie. You know, with the party tomorrow and everything. I have too much to do.”
I lied. I already had the fridge filled with beer, the keg ordered, and all my breakables put away. And per Sadie’s request, the pillows were locked in her closet. But I couldn’t go to Zach’s place and watch a movie with him. We’d never been able to watch a movie from start to finish.
And granted, a year was between us, and I had a boyfriend I loved, but still I didn’t trust myself around Zach. He awakened desires within me that I shouldn’t have. It was because of what we shared in the past, and even though it was over, even though it destroyed me, I couldn’t help remembering the good times. And deep down, I longed to go with him.
(Never) Again Page 9
