by Lucy Rinaldi
~ ~ ~
I ended up in a club somewhere south of the apartment. I glanced at my watch and realized I’d been walking for over an hour. Jesus, time flies when your minds on nothing. I settled myself into a seat at the bar and ordered myself a vodka and coke. I’m not a big drinker, not like I was back when Sam and I were at school, but hell to it! Right now I need one or ten. The bar is situated in the middle of the club, which in itself is a massive room shroud in mirrors across every wall and even the ceiling, so no matter where you look you can see yourself. “Just great, an evening of looking at your ugly mug” I shake my head at myself, I will not listen to the voice in my head tonight! Besides, I won’t be able to see anything soon, I’m devouring vodka after vodka. The club is packed out with possibly hundreds of people dancing and drinking and getting lost in each other. That’s what I want right now, to get lost in the music. The sound of a song I don’t recognize, but somehow know the words to, fills the room; the bass pumps through me making my body vibrate. I start singing to myself as I down more vodka. Oh, I have to dance, the music is calling me to the dance floor, something I haven’t been free to do for the longest time. I make my way over to the dance floor. I start to move my body in time with the music, moving sexy and seductively, the vodka making me forget I’m actually a hideous freak. Right now in this club, I’m Mercedes Helena Sophia Moretti, twenty three years of age and as sexy as hell! Just the way I used to be before Elijah destroyed me. I notice guys watching me and it makes me feel so sexy. I wink at a guy standing to the side of me, his eyes following my body as it moves. He’s tall, dark, of Spanish decent by the look of him. His eyes are dark brown, his hair almost black, and he’s built to the point his muscles look like they’re about to burst out of his clothes. He’s wearing black suit pants and a white shirt. He looks like a business man of some kind, but he’s beautiful beyond words. I lick my bottom lip, letting him know that I want him, as my eyes scan his body. He walks over to me and snakes his hand around my waist, while forcing his right leg between mine making me gasp, as he moves his hips in time with mine. Wow! He’s forward, but I like it. I like forgetting who I am, I don’t want to be her anymore, the scared unattractive little girl that is Sadie. Before I know it his hand is on my face pulling me into him, our lips connect and I welcome his tongue. I don’t even know his name, but I’m lost in his kiss. “What are you doing you damn slut!? You have a man at home, a man who loves you, really loves you, and you’d throw what you have with him away on some one nighter. And for what? So you can hate yourself in the morning?” Shit! She’s right, the voice in my head, I don’t want this, I don’t want to lose Blake. I’ve spent too long being nothing, too long being a punching bag for a man who didn’t really love me. How could I risk losing the one man who actually does love me? I pull away from the guy in front of me, what the fuck am I doing? I feel dizzy and confused.
“Are you okay?” Wow! He speaks, and his voice is amazing! I shake my head at him, turn my heels and run from the dance floor. I can’t believe I just did that. “I can because you’re a whore!” Bitch voice, dammit leave me alone! I feel sick to my stomach I run outside and the fresh air hits me, I can’t see straight. Dammit, why did I have to drink so much?
I hear the sound of my cell coming from my jacket pocket; I grab it rather clumsily almost dropping it. “Hello Mes. Sad. es mo...mor... Yes?” God, I’m fucking really drunk! I guess taking medication and drinking would have you feeling a lot more drunk than you usually would be.
“Mercy, where are you? Have you been drinking?”
“I might. Had jus...a likkle...drank. Blake, Ssshh, don tell...an body, kay?” I sound like an idiot giggling and stammering down the phone to him. He huffs. Oh, he sounds angry!
“Where are you?” Angry tone is a turn-on! I laugh out loud at what I’m thinking because it’s so inappropriate right now. “Mercy, answer me!”
“Mercy’s...gona way” I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Shit! I must be really drunk. Christ, I shouldn’t drink on anti-psychotics, and I know this because it’s so fucking reckless not to mention dangerous! I’m going to end up causing myself so much internal damage. Why can’t I just do what I know is right instead of drinking my problems away?! Oh crap, here come the drunken tears. “A man kissed me... I’m sorry I don’t know... wh-hy, I am a slut... I lef the cl...lub I gun. Walk...hom” I stammer through my tears, because the truth is, I feel so remorseful it’s unreal. I just don’t know why I do this to myself, every time things are going good for me, which isn’t often, I ruin it. I’m suddenly sobbing drunken sobs. I’m scared that I’m going to get home and he’ll beat sixty shades of shit out of me for allowing another man to kiss me.
“Baby, please tell me where you are” His voice softens, calming me a little, but I don’t know where I am so I can’t tell him. I’m trying to focus on the name of the place, but my eyes just won’t register it. “Mercy, Please”
“Hey, are you okay?” A young woman kneels beside me, looking at me a little concerned. Damn, I must have tripped because I’m on my knees. Shit, I feel sick. “Serves you right for drinking on medication, you reckless slut!” Yeah, thanks!
I hand the woman beside me my phone. “Tell. Where am”
“Erm, Hi... No, I just found her like this... Yes. Jumping Jacks... That’s right, just off Fifth... Yes, of course, that’s no problem... Okay, see you then... Mercedes? Your boyfriend is coming to get you now; he asked if I could stay with you until he gets here. Is that okay?” I can’t make her out. Jeez, how much did I drink? I think she’s blonde, I see yellow hair... I think.
“Yes. What your nam?” I fall back on my ass, that’ll hurt in the morning!
“My name is Sophia”
I laugh. “That... my middle name” I laugh again.
I sense her smiling. “Is it really?” I nod with my eyes closed. I wish I could see who I’m talking to. Crap! I feel sick again. I scramble to my knees as quickly as I can, but it’s too late, I vomit, so badly it feels like my lungs are about to burst out of my mouth! I feel her stroking my hair, then rubbing my back, it’s strangely comforting. I don’t know why, but I feel a sense of calm around her. Something inside of me settled when she touched me. Finally the vomit stops coming and she wipes my mouth with a tissue like I’m some child, which I find annoying. I try to push her away from me, but she just giggles and carries on. “He was right; you do look like your mother. But I’ve always thought that you look more like him”
“What?” What the, why would she say that, what does she mean? I don’t understand, who’s she talking about?
“Is she okay?”
“Who are you?”
“Blake. We spoke on the phone”
“Oh, hi. Yes, I think she’ll be fine. She puked spectacularly, so most of it’s out of her system” I want to say something, but I can’t, nothing will come out, and every part of my body aches, I feel so heavy. “I’d like for you to take my number. Ask her to give me a call sometime, let me know she’s okay,” I don’t know if he takes it or not, because I think I lost consciousness for a few minutes. Next thing I know I’m in his arms and he’s carrying me to? From?
“He kiss... me. I pushed him away... I love you... I’m sorry, Blake”
“Just go to sleep, Mercedes” He lays me down on something soft. I hear the “I love you” then I’m gone, lost to sleep...
~ ~ ~
Holly crap! My head hurts bad, and the suns blaring through the crack in the curtains. I look at the clock next to my lamp, 8.15am. I have a desperate urge to pee. I pull myself out of bed really slowly, because my head feels like it’s about to explode, it’s so tight and painful. Oh yes; this is one spectacular hangover! I slowly walk to the bathroom, walking into the door frame as I go banging my head, making it hurt even more. After I pee, I take a look at myself in the mirror. Oh. My. God, what a mess! I have makeup everywhere, my mascara has run. I look like a panda! My hairs matted and wild. Blake must have undressed me because I’m
wearing nothing but my camisole and panties. Fuck, I look an utter disgrace, like I’ve been in a fight and lost. I figure a shower will sort me out, but first I need to check my vanity to see if I’ve got anything for this damn headache. Luckily I have some painkillers. I take two with water, I’m so used to having headaches these days, but this one is so bad my eyes sting. After my shower, I decided to just don my usual pajamas, I don’t feel well enough to go out. Even though it’s so obviously a nice hot day outside, I’m freezing, even my hot shower didn’t warm me up. I figured Blake must be in the living room as he wasn’t here when I woke up.
I find Sam and Alex talking while sitting at the dinner table. They stop suddenly when they see me, they both look at me with pissed expressions on their faces. “Hey,” I feel like I’m at school in the principals office about to be told off. “Where’s Blake?”
“Gone to work”
“But it’s Saturday, he doesn’t work Saturdays”
“Well, I guess he figured as you were such a drunk ass whore last night and you’d need to sleep, he may as well go into work!” Whoa! What the fuck got into her?
“Sam, Calm down”
“No, Alex, I will not, you saw the state of her last night!” Jeez, she’s really mad at me, shouting at me like I’m some naughty child. “Did you enjoy yourself? Huh? Partying the night away, whoring yourself out to some guy while Blake was here, the man who for some stupid reason loves you, going out of his mind with worry over you... Well?!”
“First off, I’m not a whore. I wasn’t with some guy. Yes, I got drunk, but that is all”
“Oh, really? Not what you told Blake. Don’t tell me you’ve conveniently forgotten about the guy. Because the way I remember it you told us all a great deal about how he touched and kissed you while you danced with him” Oh. My. Actual. God! Me and my damn drunk mouth!
“Oh,” I don’t know what to say. I turn my eyes to the floor, I’m so ashamed of myself.
“Yeah, “Oh” So, who was he, huh? Was he worth losing Blake for?”
Wait, what? He left me? “What do you mean?” I’ve gone cold; my legs are fighting the urge to buckle and my stomachs in my mouth.
“What the fuck do you mean, what do I mean?! He was heartbroken, Sadie. He took his things and left”
“He left me?” My voice is barely a whisper. My world feels like it’s ending; I feel the ground falling apart beneath me and my hearts ripping in two. Why would he leave me? Okay, I know why he would, but surely he would have spoken to me about what happened rather than just upping and leaving me.
“Sadie, you just...”
“Sam, enough” Alex puts his hand on Sam’s shoulder as if to say, you’ve-gone-too-far. She stops talking and folds her arms across herself in a huff. I stare at the floor, my eyes darting from side to side, as a lifetime of insecurity’s flood my mind. Roberto’s words swim round my mind “He won’t want you. Trust me” I should have listened to him. I really am nothing. Jesus, this is all my own fault. “Sadie, he was upset, that’s all, he’ll calm down. He’ll be back once he has”
“No, Alex, he’s gone. I did a terrible thing. That guy kissed me, and I didn’t push him off right away like I should have. I drank way too much making me judge the situation stupidly, and I’m never gonna be able to make it up to him. Please tell him I’m sorry”
“He hasn’t left you, Sadie, his things are still in your room” I didn’t reply, I just don’t know what to say. I know he says Blake hasn’t left, but Sam already said he did. I know I should just go to my room and check that his things are still there, but I always look on the bad side of everything! I look at Sam then Alex and mouth, “I’m sorry” before walking back to my room. Tears falling freely down my face as I close the door. I search for my cell, I need to tell him I’m sorry. God, I can’t lose him, not after I just found him.
Sender: Mercedes Moretti
To: Dr. Blake Benedict (My Everything)
Blake, I'm so sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to drink so much, and I didn’t mean for that guy to kiss me. I should have pushed him away that very second, but I didn’t and I can’t take it back. I know you hate me right now, but you can’t hate me as much as I hate myself. Please forgive me. I need you, Blake. Xoxo
I waited and waited, but I got no text, no phone call, nothing, and I feel like that sad teenage girl all over again, the one who only finds happiness in punishing herself. I can’t think like this I just can’t, but I need to do something, I need to punish myself. No matter how much I tell myself I can’t do this I have to. I walk into my closet and reach up to the top shelf, and take down my small Italian oak wooden box, a small square shape with leaves carved into the lid. I sit down on the floor of my closet and open my box, taking out a small scalpel. I need this, I need to punish myself for what I’ve done, and on the punishment scale this is a six! This is what I deserve. I haven’t done this in so long, but I don’t know what else to do. Elijah would have punished me hard enough for it to last weeks. But Blake hasn’t punished me before, not in the way I’m used to anyway. I look at the scalpel in wonder, it not really registering in my head that that’s what I’m holding. I’m too lost in my own sadness and grief; my insides are racked with it. My self-hate has reared its ugly head to a new level, and right now I don’t know the way back from it. I don’t want to think anymore, I want everything to stop, the pain, the anguish. Everything I’ve felt over the past few months has come to the surface and I want to push it away. I want to replace it with a new pain. I pick myself up and walk the short distance to my bathroom, scalpel in hand. My minds on autopilot, I know I’m doing this, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I pull my pajama pants down over my left hip and rest them under my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror telling myself this is what I deserve, and I’ll feel better when it’s over. I put the scalpel to my hip and close my eyes, my hearts pounding and my stomachs doing multi back flips. I count to three and just like that it’s over. I sigh contently to myself and place the bloodied scalpel on the edge of the sink. “A six” I whisper to myself as I look down at what I’ve done. I smile. Why, I don’t know. But each time I do something like this to myself, I feel a certain contentment within me. It was the only thing that could get me through the hell I endured as a teenager. I seem to be bleeding badly, but I’m so used to this that I know it will stop soon. I grab a clean face cloth from the vanity and fold it in half, I then press it against my new cut, tucking the bottom of it into my panties as to hold it in place. I then wipe the stray blood from my leg and foot and pull my pajamas up. I’m thankful they’re black to be honest, white would have been a disaster! I wash the scalpel, sink and floor as fast as I can, making sure everything’s as it should be, and then I take my scalpel back to my room, placing it back in the oak box and out of the sight of others. I lay down on my bed looking up at the ceiling, feeling a little pleased at the fact I just punished myself accordingly.
I must have fallen asleep, because I’m woken by the sound of my cell vibrating next to me. Looking at the clock I notice it’s 2.33pm. I look at my cell, Oh, a text from Blake. I open it quickly, but nervously, my hands are shaking and my head hurts again.
Sender: Dr. Blake Benedict (My Everything)
To: Mercedes Moretti
I'm not bothered that you drank yourself into a stupor, Mercedes, that’s your choice. But I am bothered that some fucking guy had his hands on you! I was so fucking angry when I left this morning that I could have killed someone! That’s how angry I was.
Why do you have to push me like this?
It’s like you want me to leave, is that it? Don’t you want us anymore?
Sender: Mercedes Moretti
To: Dr. Blake Benedict (My Everything)
I’m sorry I don’t mean to push, I’m stupid. I push the boundaries because I don’t know how far I can go with you before you'll snap. I really am sorry, Blake. Of course I want us, that’s all I want.
Please don’t go I’m nothing without you. Xoxo
>
Sender: Dr Blake Benedict (My Everything)
To: Mercedes Moretti
I Love You! Don’t you understand that, Mercy?
When are you gonna let me love you the way you deserve? I finish work at 5pm I’ll be home for 5.30pm we need to talk! I Love You, Mercy. Please accept that. Xoxo
Sender: Mercedes Moretti
To: Dr. Blake Benedict (My Everything)
I Love You More. Xoxo
Sender: Dr Blake Benedict (My Everything)
To: Mercedes Moretti
Not possible! Even though you'd try the patience of a saint, Miss Moretti. See you later. Xoxo
That makes me smile to myself. We’re not over! I decided I should get up and face Sam and tell her how sorry I am. I got up, but I felt so dizzy, my legs start shaking and I felt queasy. I somehow managed to make it to the living room without passing out. “Sam, you still mad at me?”
“Yes, but I’ll get over it”
“Kay. Where’s Alex?” Sam’s sitting on the couch watching some comedy.
“He went to pick up a few things from the store. Whoa! Jesus, you’re pale, are you okay?” Her eyes scan me as I sit down as best I can in my usual seat at the end of the couch. I nod unenthusiastically. “Seriously, Sadie, you’re gray”
“I’m fine” I rest my head against the back of the couch and close my eyes, I feel so drained and weak. “I think I’ve got flu coming”
“Or you’ve got one hell of a hangover” She laughs making me pout at her.
“Don’t laugh at me, you mean bitch. But yes, you’re probably right”
“Aww, my poor bestie. But you do know it’s your own fault, right? Drinking on medication...”
“I know” I cut her off. I don’t really want a lecture right now.
