by Naomi Niles
“Oh? Things like what?” I took a deep breath, hesitant to go forward. I didn’t want to send us into a tailspin, but I needed clarification as to where we stood with each other. The thought was not going to leave me alone until I was at peace with it. I grabbed him by the hand and gently pulled him to the kitchen table where we could both have a seat. The sunlight peeked through the kitchen window as I looked into his eyes. “Baby? What is it? You are starting to worry me.”
“You know that I am supposed to leave in a few more months, right?”
He leaned back in his chair. His housecoat was halfway open down the middle of his chest. I tried to avoid looking at it because I knew it would distract me from what I needed to say. “Yes,” he responded, “I am well aware.”
“I, um. I love my job, and I love you, but I’m not sure I can just stay here in Cottonwood for the rest of my life. I mean, things have been good so far, but my desire was to move out there, you know? I mean, there is something that could keep me around. Something permanent. But, I just don’t want to stay here not knowing what will happen…”
“What will happen?”
He waited for me to continue with what I had to say, but I found it hard to put the words together. No matter how I said it, it was going to come off as me rushing him or being pushy. That wasn’t the case, though. I just wanted clarity. “Nothing,” I said, finally. “Nothing. Just forget I mentioned it, OK?” I stood up, but he grabbed my arm and kept me from getting away.
“Caroline, I believe I know where this is going. Listen, I love you, OK? I love you a lot, and I’ve never felt this way about any woman before now. You mean more to me than what you think, and trust me, I wouldn’t lead you down a dark road without any hope that things would get brighter at the end. That is not my intention with you, but, I am asking you to trust me.”
“Trust you?” I sighed and walked out of his grasp. “I mean, a lot of women have trusted men in the past, but it didn’t end well for them. They put their trust in them just to get burned. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to sacrifice something and end up regretting it.”
“Caroline, please listen to me, OK? You can’t keep comparing our relationship to others. Our relationship is clearly not like any other relationship out there. The grounds under which we met. The backlash we received because we joined together. I mean, the list can go on, but we are here. Our unique bond still remains intact. I know it may be hard for you to trust, but it is hard for me as well. The one woman that I loved, before you, left me. She left me when I thought she would always be there. She left me at the hardest time in my life, so yes, there is still a little bit of fear there for me.”
He pulled me closer to him. “But I am learning to let things go like you advised me. I’m learning to live and just forget that things like that happened so I can enjoy my life fully. That is what I am focusing on right now. That is my goal.” Just then, the oven beeped. He left my side, then grabbed an oven glove so he could pull something out. The biscuits were golden brown on top when he placed them on the counter. He cut a slice of butter and slid it over them until it melted. I wanted this life so bad, but I didn’t want it temporarily, and sadly, that wasn’t going to be enough for me to stick around further than I had to.
I had already begun looking for apartments and homes in California just in case I had to move. I remember crying as I flipped through websites and made phone calls. My heart was there with Harrison, but I just didn’t believe that he felt the same way. Maybe I was rushing it a little bit. Maybe I was just too anxious because I finally found the man of my dreams, but he was moving too slow for my comfort. I don’t know what the answer was, but right now, I needed to know. I needed to know, but he kept his lips locked together. “Now,” he said, “I think we should dig into this food. The bacon has been sitting out for a little while, and I don’t want it to get cold.”
“Alright, Harrison.”
I took a seat at the table and waited for him to pile the food onto my plate. It felt like we were coming to an end, but if he wanted me to trust him, I could give him that. I could give him all the trust he needed until it was time for me to move to California and when I moved, I knew I wasn’t going to look back. There would just be a big “what if?” in the back of my mind and that alone was more painful than anything else.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Harrison
I tossed and turned all night with Caroline in the bed next to me. A few times, she had asked me if I was OK. I told her I was fine, but in reality, I was worried about our future. The closer I came to popping the question, the more my nerves shot through my body like fireworks. I never imagined that I would be in this situation. I felt like I would be single for the rest of my life, messing around with random women until the day I was buried. Caroline changed all of that though. She touched a place in my heart that I believed was unreachable. She wanted more from me, and I wanted to give her more, but there was something that held on to my words and kept me from moving forward.
As the clock shifted past 7 am, I snuck out of bed and went downstairs with my phone in my hand. I turned on the coffee machine and pulled a mug from the cabinet. As I waited for the coffee to brew, I scrolled through my voicemail until I landed on the final message. I pressed play. “Dad, you’re going to find love one day, and it is going to be amazing. But, you have to just accept it. You can’t walk away from it, and you can’t think that every woman is going to leave you like mom did, because then you will force everyone away from you. Give love a chance. I don’t know, but I am just feeling lovey-dovey right now, and you didn’t answer your phone. Again. Anyways, I am going to head to this party. I love you, Dad, and you be safe tonight.”
I wiped tears from my eyes as the voicemail ended. That was the last message she left me: on the night she died. I wanted to take my phone and launch it into the wall, but I settled down before I got to that point. Just then, the coffee machine beeped, snapping me out of my moment of rage like fingers of a hypnotist. I knew that I had to find someone to help me out of this train of thought. I pulled up Brian’s number and gave him a call.
“Boss? This early? On a Sunday? Something must be wrong.”
“Yeah, kind of.” I looked towards the hallway to make sure that Caroline didn’t climb out of bed and make her way towards me. “Hold on a sec, buddy.” I moved the conversation to the wooden deck on my back porch. I didn’t spend much time out here because of the memories I had with Sarah. The times we would sit on the chairs talking about everything under the sun. It was too much for me to bear, so I tried to avoid it. But ever since I started accepting her death earlier this week, it was a little easier for me to come out here and relax.
I took a seat on one of the lawn chairs. “It is about Caroline. Now, you know how I feel about her, Brian. You know that I care for her and I love her a lot. She is supposed to move to California in a few months, and I don’t want her to move, but the only way that I think she will stay is if I propose to her. She wants some kind of guarantee that if she stays, we will get married. I get it, though. I mean, who wants to just stay in Cottonwood unless you are further along in life? She is still young. A lot of life to live.”
He sighed. “Yeah, I had a feeling that something like this was coming. Do you want to marry her?”
“Yes, I do. I know I do, I just – I mean, it is the unknown that makes me a little apprehensive about everything.” I looked behind me to make sure she wasn’t standing near the glass door. “I don’t want her to leave me. That’s it. I don’t want to put my all in this just so she can realize that she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”
“You can’t think like that, boss. You can’t. You’re going to ruin everything. Look, I don’t know Caroline personally, but I can tell that she loves you. She looks at you the same way my wife used to look at me when we first got together. I know the difference. She is in it for the long run, and the best thing about it all is that she knows you have been hurt. She knows
where you are weak–”
“And that scares me, too. How do I know that she won’t use that against me?”
“Really, boss? Really? You think Caroline will use your pain against you? That woman has done nothing but try to take away your pain ever since you two got together. It is clear that her motive is to make things easier on you and nothing else. It is crazy for you to think anything else about her. She loves you, boss. She loves you dearly, and if you feel the same way about her, then go for it. Now, marriage is nothing to joke around with, and I am sure you know that. But, just be wise about the situation. Don’t propose if you truly feel she is not the one for you, but if she is, you better make it known because I don’t think she will stick around for anything less than, ‘will you marry me?’”
I took a deep breath as the warm sun beat softly against my flesh. He was right. I had to make a choice before the woman I loved decided to walk out of my life. “Thanks, Brian. I appreciate you being here for me.”
“Anytime, boss. I thought it was something else, though. Thank God.”
“Yeah. Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow.”
“Alright, boss. See you then.”
I sat outside, enjoying the sunshine as the thin white clouds were pushed across the sky by the gentle breeze. I propped my feet up on the table in front of me and tapped the side of my mug with my fingertips. The porcelain was warm to the touch. Just then, I heard a knock on the glass behind me. When I turned around, Caroline stood behind the glass in long white T-shirt. I smiled, and with that, she opened the door and made her way outside. She kissed me on the lips, then took a seat beside me on the deck. “Up early,” she said as she folded her legs up on the seat.
“Yeah. I was tossing and turning all night.”
“I saw that. Are you OK?”
“Yeah,” I said, fixing my attention on the sky above. “Yeah, I am fine. Just thinking about some things.”
“OK. Well, I was thinking about some things as well.” I looked at her, wondering what she was about to say next. “And the first thing is that I think we should go to Sarah’s gravesite today. I haven’t been since she was buried and I feel like sort of a sucky friend because of it. I wanted you to come with me.”
“Her gravesite?” I was leery about going back to the place where they lowered her into the ground. But as I thought about it more, it seemed like it would provide another level of closure for me. “OK,” I said after I took a sip of coffee. “Alright. I think I will go along with you. It may help.”
“Yes, I think it will.”
A few moments of silence passed between us. A flock of birds flew over our heads as if they were traveling somewhere as a family. I looked at Caroline. I knew she would want a few children running around, and even at my old age, I still felt young enough to chase them around the house if needed. I didn’t mind starting another family; I just hated the fact that Sarah wouldn’t be a part of it. “I am thinking about going to Greece in another month or so.”
“Greece? What’s out there?”
“Nothing. Just a vacation. I was talking to Brian about these days off, and apparently, he has never seen me take a vacation before. I work so much that words like, ‘vacation,’ and ‘days off,’ seem to be foreign to me. So, I figured I’d take another two weeks off and head to Greece.”
“That sounds exciting.”
“Do you want to come with?”
She looked at me. “Harrison, I can’t afford Greece right now. I mean, you are paying me well, but–”
I laughed, “Oh, stop it. You know that if you come with me, you will not be paying for a thing. So, if you are just trying to find an excuse to not go, you may want to try a little harder.” I winked at her, then took a sip of my coffee.
“No, that’s not it. I just didn’t want to assume, you know? I didn’t want to look like an asshole.”
“An asshole? I think you’ve got the saying wrong.”
She laughed. “No, that was an um, an inside joke. Between me and Sarah, that’s all.”
“I see.”
We stayed on the deck for a little while, talking about everything except marriage. I could tell that she was a little disappointed, but I wasn’t ready to mention anything to her about that yet. Later on, we got dressed and headed to the cemetery. I sat in the car with her for a few moments, afraid to get out of the car, and if it wasn’t for her guidance, I don’t think I would’ve ever gotten out. “Come on, Harrison. I’m here with you, OK?” She brushed her thumb against the top of my hand as I took a deep breath. I got out the car a few minutes later.
She wrapped her arm around my waist as we walked past the grave plots until we got to Sarah’s. Her tombstone stood high above the ground. I could feel the mist sweep over my eyes as I read the words. “Sarah Zimmer. The best daughter that ever lived. We will always love you. We will always miss you.” I felt my legs weaken, and if Caroline hadn’t been there, I might have tipped over to the ground.
Caroline placed a few roses on her grave as she kneeled beside it. A soft wind blew against us while we reminisced on our lost loved one. “I remember,” Caroline said, wiping tears from her eyes, “the time we ran out together to a party and she wanted to run through the graveyard as a shortcut. I was scared out of my freaking mind, but Sarah grabbed my hand and pulled me along. She was so fearless. It was one of the things I wished that I could take from her. She wasn’t afraid of anything, and that is why I was so excited to move to California with her. I felt like as long as she was with me, I would always be OK.”
When she started to cry out loud, I kneeled beside her and held her close. I kissed her on the forehead. “Yeah, that was Sarah. Bold. Fearless. Willing to say anything to anyone at any moment.” I took a deep breath and looked up to the sky, more so to keep the tears from falling than anything else. “She will always be missed.”
Caroline put her head on my shoulder and cried out loud. I sniffled and wiped tears from my cheeks as the soft breeze blew against my skin. For some reason, even though I lost my daughter, I felt like I found pieces of her inside of Caroline. The way she calmed my spirit. The way she made me feel complete. I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her and there wasn’t a doubt in my mind about it.
Epilogue
Caroline
I ended up going with Harrison to Chania, Greece almost two months later. I didn’t want to go because I still didn’t have any confirmation about where our relationship was headed. I hated the fact that I seemed to become more in love with him with the passing of each day, but he still didn’t mention anything to me about marriage. I laid in the king-sized bed of our five-star hotel. Harrison said that he had to make a few runs early that morning, so he left me to order room service and enjoy myself before he returned.
He said he had a few things planned for us to do, and I would have been lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it. This was my first time visiting Greece, and from what I had already seen, I knew I would love it. The people were friendly, and the scenery was amazing. I could see myself traveling with Harrison for the rest of my life, but as time passed, I realized that my imagination was stronger than expected. It didn’t seem like that would come true. In just a month, I was headed for California, and each time I alluded to the fact that I was making plans to move, Harrison didn’t say anything about it. I remembered one time in particular that pissed me off.
“So, I found a place to stay in San Diego. Right by the beach. It is kind of expensive, but I think I can manage it, especially if I land the job I applied for.”
He walked to the refrigerator in the kitchen and pulled the door open. “Oh? That is nice! San Diego is an amazing city. I can’t wait to visit once you get settled in.”
I glared at him as he bent over into the refrigerator. I wanted to get up and kick him in the butt right then and there. I didn’t know whether to be hurt or angry at the fact that he didn’t care that I was leaving. I threw hints like that from time to time, but he never reac
ted the way I wanted him to. After a few minutes had gone by, I got out of the bed and walked to the window. The sunlight beamed down on the water below. It was only 10 am, but people had already begun claiming their spots on the sandy beach. The wind blew my hair softly as I stood by the window. My silk housecoat fluttered as I took in the scenery. Far out on the water, boats traveled, both big and small.
As I enjoyed the view, I heard the door open behind me. Harrison walked in with a smile on his face. “Good morning,” he said as he walked towards me.
“Good morning, Harrison.”
“It is gorgeous out there.”
“Where did you go?”
“Oh, I just had to make some plans for later this evening. Wanted to make sure things were just right, you know? No hiccups.”
He kissed me on the cheek as he hugged me from behind. “What do you have planned?”
“You’ll see, and trust me, you are going to love it.”
I looked out on the water at the boats. They floated effortlessly across the water. I wanted to experience what the was like. I’d never been out on the water before, and even though the thought scared me, I still wanted to experience it. I always thought that some kind of shark would attack my boat, or that somehow, a hole would pop up in the base of the ship and send us all sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Maybe I watched too many movies, but either way, I was both terrified and excited about the chance if it were to happen. “So,” he continued, “I think you should get dressed. We have a long day ahead of us.”
I hopped into the shower and started to get ready. It was just our second day in Greece. The only thing we did on our first day was sleep because of the length of the trip. We were both a little jet-lagged, so we ended up laying around in the hotel, ordering room service and watching movies all day. That was great, but I wanted to experience what life was like in another country, so I knew we had to get out.
