by Naomi Niles
His was far more beautiful than mine was. His chest was perfectly sculpted, his arms beautifully muscled, and his stomach was flat and toned, ridged with hard abs that ran almost to his groin. I traced my fingers down the wall of muscle.
He mimicked my movement and traced his fingers along the swell of my belly. It was flat, but it had lost the kind of concave flatness I used to possess before I’d given birth to Renni. His fingers lingered on my stretchmarks, and his eyes seemed to examine them carefully.
“I always hated those,” I whispered.
“Why?” Sam said, looking at me in surprise. “They’re beautiful.”
“Beautiful?” I repeated, raising my eyebrows at him.
He smiled softly. It was a sincere smile that told me he was being a hundred percent honest. He really saw my stretchmarks and thought they were beautiful.
“They’re there for a reason,” he whispered back to me. “They’re proof of your past. They’re proof that you had a child. They’re proof that you carried that child for nine months. They tell your story. They’re a part of you. That’s why they are so beautiful.”
He could have been reading a poem, the way his words seemed to sing to me. I closed my eyes for a moment and stepped closer to him. My nipples brushed against his chest, and I opened my eyes again. I placed my hand on his chest and gently pushed him back onto my bed. When he was lying down, I got on top of him, straddling him closely as I took his penis into my hand.
“It’s funny…” he said suddenly.
I looked at him questioningly. “What’s funny?”
“It feels like the first time,” he replied.
“With me?”
“With anyone,” Sam said. “It feels like this is my first time.”
The moment he said the words, I felt a tingle in my spine and remembered the exhilarated excitement of my first time, too. Sam was right: the feeling was very close to the same.
I bent down towards him and kissed him just as I guided him inside me. The moment we fused together, I felt a gasp emanate through my darkened room. But I wasn’t sure if the sound came from him or me. It could have been either of us – both of us.
I looked down at Sam, and he had his head tilted back with his eyes closed. His hands were on my hips, aiding the rise and fall of each stroke as I slipped he slipped in and out of me. I placed my hands on his chest, anchoring me to him as I rode him gently, taking my time and allowing each stroke to stretch out as long as I dared.
I had forgotten how beautiful sex could be. I had forgotten how versatile it was. It could be an act of love just as easily as it could be an act of sadness. It could be an act of peace just as simply as an act of violence. It could be a means of relief, and at the same time, it could be a way to move on. It could be enjoyed in all its carnal pleasures, and yet, it could be savoured for its emotional depth.
And as the thought came to me, a realization dawned. This was the real reason I had stayed away from men since Clint’s death: after Clint, I hadn’t been interested in recreational sex.
I hadn’t wanted a meaningless night of passion that would be forgotten the next morning. I wanted a connection; I wanted a reason to give my body to a man. I wanted to feel things again. I wanted a reason to feel things again. And Sam had given me that reason.
Even with him inside me, I thought back to the first time. He had fucked me on top of a pool table in an empty bar. And at the time, it had seemed meaningless. But how could it have been? I had slept with the man who had saved my child’s life. It was naïve to believe that we didn’t have a connection, even at that point.
And afterwards… he had driven me home, taken care of me, and stayed with me because I had asked him to. I should have realized what was happening then, but I had been numb.
I was numb to romantic love because it was a necessary means of survival. I had to be numb to it, or the pain of my husband’s passing would have been too much to bear. And it was only in the wake of new love that I was able to confront the truth of my feelings again.
Sam’s fingers reached up and caressed my face. “You’re thinking,” he whispered to me.
I bent down so that my lips were at his ear. “I’m thinking of you,” I told him.
He smiled. “I’m right here.”
I felt his hand on the small of my back, helping me along. I could feel how deep he was inside me, and yet I wanted him to go deeper still. I was greedy for him, greedy for the pleasure I knew we could make together. I had been starved for long enough and now I wanted to be satisfied.
I straightened up and quickened my pace. I saw Sam shudder from the force of my movements, but he surrendered to me completely. He wanted me to take control. His hands reached up for my breasts and squeezed gently.
We changed position three times in the next half an hour. He took me in several different ways, and I felt my body respond to him more powerfully than before. We spent an hour devouring each other, intent on the act of love making and nothing else.
When we finally came, it was only because our bodies were spent and exhausted. We lay in bed for almost half an hour without ever saying a word. I just listened to his breath mixed in with his heartbeat as I let my body recover.
“You’ve been with a lot of women, haven’t you?” I asked out of simply curiosity, born out of a need to know him better.
“Yes,” he replied, keeping a firm grip on my hand.
“Some people can do that,” I said thoughtfully. “I never really could… I’ve only been with two men my entire life. Clint and now…you.”
Sam turned to me and smiled. “Would you believe me if I told you I’ve never been in love before?”
“Really?”
“Really,” he nodded. “Sex was never about an emotional connection for me. It was always…something that was separate from the person I was experiencing it with.”
“Isn’t that a little sad?”
He nodded. “It is,” he replied. “I just didn’t know how sad – until now.”
I smiled. “Until now?”
“Yes,” Sam nodded. “It’s true what they say: sex is better when it’s with someone you…have feelings for.”
I turned my face to his and kissed him tenderly. His hands stroked my face, and I felt myself melt into him, as though our bodies were programmed to seek each other out.
“Would you mind if I joined you tomorrow?” Sam asked suddenly. “To pick Renni up from Vanessa’s?”
I knew he would have no idea how much that request meant to me. Instead of explaining it to him, I leaned in again and kissed him again, until our bodies were fused together once more.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Sam
As we drove to Vanessa’s house I began to feel a strange sense of paternal longing. Was it possible that I was missing Renni? Was it possible that I could think of her as my own in so short a period of time?
I couldn’t find any other reason why I should feel this way. I looked at Mia and I saw the same emotion reflected in her eyes. Was this what my mother felt every time she looked at one of us?
It seemed amazing to me to find myself here, after being separate for so long. I had already dropped the mes and Is, and I was starting to think in terms of weand us.
Vanessa and Renni stepped out of the apartment building just as Mia and I pulled up outside. We got out together and were rewarded with Renni’s bright smile. She came rushing towards us excitedly.
“I drew a new picture last night,” she announced proudly.
Mia was about to stoop down to admire the picture in Renni’s hands, assuming that she would be the first one that Renni ran to. But to both our surprise, Renni bypassed Mia entirely and headed straight for me.
“Look, Sam,” she said, presenting me with a crisp sheet of paper a little bent on one end. “I drew the gallery last night – you’re there, too.”
“I see that.” I smiled at her representation of me in my black pants and white shirt. “I look quite debonair.”
<
br /> “What’s that?” she asked, clinging to the word with interest.
“It means I look quite…handsome,” I explained.
Renni beamed. “You do,” she nodded. “Lots of ladies said so last night, I heard them.”
“Did you, now?” Mia said, from behind me.
I straightened up with the picture still in my hands and passed it to Mia.Mia smiled at the picture and gave Renni a hug. “Nice job, Picasso,” she said. “Did you have a good sleepover?”
“We had the best sleepover, didn’t we Renni?” Vanessa said, coming forward in her shorts and a large gray sweatshirt.
“The best!” Renni confirmed.
“I’m glad,” Mia smiled. “Now, say thank you and goodbye to Aunt Vanessa.”
Renni said her goodbyes, while Mia glanced over at me.
“What?” I asked.
“She ran to you instead of me,” she said. It wasn’t an accusation, she was simply stating a fact, but I could tell from her tone that she was amused by it.
I smiled and winked at her. “I think you might have competition.”
“After two years of being alone, I welcome competition,” she replied.
We said goodbye to Vanessa and headed back to the pick up. Renni was filled with conversation, talking excitedly about the night before and everything she and Vanessa had got up to once they’d gone home. Apparently, they’d watched movies, painted pictures, even defiled one of Vanessa’s walls.
“Can she do that?” I asked Mia. “Isn’t she renting?”
“She bought the apartment a year ago,” she smiled.
“But still-”
“The landlord has a soft spot for her,” Mia explained.
“Sam?” Renni piped up, in a loud voice that clearly suggested she was bored with our topic.
“Yes, princess?”
“Career day is coming up,” she said. “Will you come and talk for me?”
I saw Mia’s eyebrows rise and she glanced over her shoulder at her daughter. “Renni…” she said carefully.
“Please, Sam,” Renni interrupted. “Please, please… Nelly’s dad is an architect, and Jolie’s dad is a surgeon. I want you to tell them about your fire fighting.”
I glanced at Mia, who was looking slightly uncomfortable. I could tell right away that this career day was exclusively for parents and the fact that Renni was asking me point blank was a big deal.
“Renni, sweetheart,” she said gently. “Sam is really busy. We don’t want to be inconvenience him, do we?”
“Oh…” Renni said. She sounded disappointed.
I didn’t want to overstep, but I didn’t want to turn her down. Strangely, the idea of accepting her request didn’t scare me in the least.
“Of course, I’ll be there,” I said swiftly.
I saw Mia glance at me, and I hoped she wouldn’t be annoyed that I’d said yes to Renni without consulting her first. But then I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw Renni smiling from ear to ear.
“You will?” she asked.
I shot a glance at Mia and after a moment, she gave me a smile and a nod – it was a silent blessing. “You bet,” I said to Renni.
“Yea!” she crowed. “Thank you, Sam.”
“I have one condition, though,” I said.
“And what’s that?” Mia asked, before Renni could.
“You two have to join me for lunch today…with my family.”
It was a spur of the moment decision, but now that the idea had taken hold, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I realized that I wanted my brothers and my mother to get to know Mia and Renni and vice versa. It was another big step, but the big steps were starting to come easily now.
“I’m in!” Renni said enthusiastically.
Mia smiled, but she didn’t say anything right away.
“Mia?” I asked. “Are you in?”
She seemed to take a deep breath, as though she were steadying herself. Then she nodded. “I’m in, too.”
We got to Peter’s a little earlier than necessary, but I wanted to make the introductions soon and give everyone some time to get to know one another. Peter and Madison would be there, along with Mom. John and Kami had flown in for the weekend, and Alan and Jessica were stopping in, too, on their way to California. The whole family would be in attendance, and I was happily nervous about it.
The porch was empty when we pulled up outside the house. I helped Renni out of the backseat and we walked inside.
“This is where I grew up,” I told Renni, just as she slipped her hand into mine.
“It’s looks old and new,” she observed keenly.
I smiled. “That’s because it is. Some parts are old and other parts are new. Come on,” I said, gesturing for Mia to enter first.
I heard the sounds of conversation and laughter coming from several different parts of the house. I headed for the kitchen where I knew I would find Peter. He was in there with Mom, Madison and Kami.
“Hi, everyone,” I greeted. “I hope you don’t mind, I brought company.”
If they were surprised to see me with Mia and hand in hand with Renni, everyone covered up their surprise well. Peter, Madison, and Kami shook hands with both Renni and Mia, while Mom gave them both a hug.
“We’ve heard so much about you,” Mom said fondly. “I’m so glad we finally get to meet you both.”
“Nice to see you again, Mia,” Peter smiled, and I remembered that they had met already.
“Renni?” Kami called. “I just baked a batch of salted caramel chocolate cookies. Would you like one?”
“Very much,” Renni nodded, dropping my hand in favor of the cookies.
Kami handed Renni one and then offered the box to Mia. “Go on,” she said. “They’re really good, even if I do say so myself.”
Mia smiled and took one. “Wow,” she gasped. “These are amazing.”
“Kami’s an award-winning chef,” I smiled.
“It’s a pretty small award,” Kami smiled. “But thanks for mentioning it.”
“Come on, Mia, Renni,” Madison said. “Let me introduce you to the rest of the house.”
Kami and Madison led Mia and Renni into the hall, leaving me with Mom and Peter. “I probably should have given you some notice –
“Please,” Peter said, waving away my concern. “You know I always cook more than I need to. I’m glad you brought them over….especially today.”
“Why today?” I asked curiously.
“Because the whole family is together.”
“The…whole family?” I repeated.
Mom beamed. “Talen showed up a half hour ago.”
“No way,” I smiled. And then I remembered. “Oh, shit.”
“What?” Peter asked.
“Uh, nothing,” I said quickly, remembering that Talen’s big fight was this Friday, and I had promised to be there to support him. The fight would take place in the evening, but I would need to leave in the morning to make it there in time. After committing to Renni, I didn’t want to take back my word now.
I wondered into the hall to find Talen. He was sitting on the couch, wedging in between Alan and Jessica. Renni seemed to be in the center of it all and appeared to be telling everyone the story of the accident, the night I had met her and Mia.
I didn’t want to break up the moment, so I hung back a little and listened to Renni’s version of the story. She was a pretty good storyteller, and I found myself being drawn in to the night again.
The lunch went better than I could have imagined. Everyone loved Mia and Renni, and conversation always flowed easily. The quietest among us was Talen, but I noticed that he engaged with Renni more than anyone else. She seemed taken with his silent exterior and the number of tattoos lining his arms and neck. By the time lunch was over, she was following him around like a puppy.
“I think someone has a crush on your brother,” Mia smiled.
“Don’t worry,” I assured her. “Her taste will improve with age.”
Mia la
ughed, just as Mom emerged from the kitchen. “Why don’t we girls get dessert ready?” she suggested.
On hearing the word dessert, Renni ran towards Mom readily. Kami, Madison, and Jessica followed behind too.
“I think that includes you as well,” I said to Mia.
She smiled. “I’ll see you in a bit.” She gave me a small wink and followed the girls back into the kitchen.
I walked over to where Talen was sitting and sat down opposite him by the window. “Hey, man,” I said. “I’m glad you came today.”
“Me, too,” Talen nodded.
“Well?” I asked. “What do you think of Mia and Renni?”
“They’re right for you.” Coming from him, that was a glowing recommendation.
“I’m glad you feel that way,” I said. “Because I have some bad news...”
Talen raised his eyebrows questioningly.
“Your fight this coming Friday… I’m so sorry, Talen, but I don’t think I can make it. You see, Renni has this career day at school and she asked me to come and speak-”
“Say no more,” he said, cutting me off. “I get it.”
“Really?”
“They have to come first now,” Talen replied. “I get that.”
I smiled. ‘You’re a big man, you know.”
“Always have been,” he replied, with the ghost of a smile.
At that moment, our private discussion was cut short as Alan, Peter, and John converged around us. “Don’t get me wrong here Sam,” Peter said. “I fully approve of Mia and Renni…”
“But?”
“That kid is going to get Madison talking about babies,” Peter laughed. “She’s too damn cute for her own good.”
“I know,” I nodded. “It’s like a super power.”
“I can’t quite believe it,” John said, shaking his head at me. “Sam Burbank… You’re practically a dad.”
If they thought that would freak me out, they were sorely mistaken. I shrugged and nodded. “I kind of feel like a father,” I admitted.
“You can give me tips then,” John said suggestively.
It took a moment and then everyone looked at him at the same time. “What was that?” Peter demanded.
JJ smiled coyly. “It’s really early,” he admitted. “But it looks like… I’m going to be a dad, too.”
