by Naomi Niles
I felt my breath catch in my throat as a tidal wave of different memories hit me. It was as though her face was the catalyst, and I was powerless against the onslaught of images I was receiving. But it made things simple. There could be no doubt.
This was the woman who had abandoned us sixteen years ago. And after all this time, I had finally managed to track down our mother.
Chapter Four
Kami
I rocked back in my chair, having scraped off the last scraps of food on my plate. Haley had just finished looking through the books. There was a big smile on her face and I knew I didn’t have to ask how we’d done that day.
“You haven’t finished eating yet,” I pointed out to her.
Haley put the book away and continued with her lunch. “You know I like working and eating,” she said. “Makes me feel like I’m getting the best use of my time.”
I shook my head at her. “You need to slow down sometimes and enjoy the quiet.”
“Urgh, I hate quiet and you know that,” she said, wrinkling her brows at me. “It feels like…death.”
I laughed. “I think you’re being a little dramatic.”
“I’m not,” she protested, shaking her head. “I hate silence. It means you can actually hear your thoughts.”
On that point, I actually understood. “Fair enough,” I said. “But it’s not like you need to be worried about your thoughts. I’m the one with the landmine in my head.”
“You’d be surprised,” Haley said with a wink. “By the way, did you happen to see those three guys who came in late for lunch today?”
“Umm, no,” I said. “You know I barely have time for anything during the lunch rush.”
Haley sighed. “Well, they were perfectly lovely,” she said. “And one in particular was a hunk.”
“Do tell,” I said, in amusement.
“He was not very tall,” she said, launching into her explanation immediately. “Probably around five-ten, but he had the dreamiest blue eyes and strawberry-blond hair. You know the kind I’m talking about, right? And I couldn’t be sure, because his shirt wasn’t exactly form fitting, but I’m pretty sure he was ripped underneath there.”
“What was he like?”
“Does it matter?” she asked, with a shrug. “Like I said, he was hot. That’s good enough for me. I slipped him my number. I’m pretty sure I’ll hear from him soon.”
“Shouldn’t it matter if he’s a nice guy or not?” I asked logically.
“Not if you’re just interested in sex,” Haley said. “He may be the nicest guy in the world, but I wasn’t made for just one man. I want to sample all kinds and relationships don’t leave much room for screwing around.”
“I see,” I smiled.
“Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because his friend seemed quite nice, too,” Haley went on. “A little taller, a little quiet, but I thought you might like him.”
“I’m not interested,” I said quickly.
She sighed. “You haven’t heard a thing about him.”
“I don’t need to,” I said. “Stuart really screwed with my head. And after that so-called relationship, I’m not interested in getting into another one any time soon.”
“Stuart was a grade-A asshole,” Haley said firmly. “But not all guys are like that, you realize. Not all guys are verbally abusive.”
“I know that,” I nodded. “But it still doesn’t matter. I have bad luck with guys. Somehow, I only manage to attract the assholes. And if that is my lot in life, then I might as well just stay away from men in general.”
“Okay, you’ve been burned and you’re scared to give it another shot,” Haley said bracingly. “I get that. But it’s not as though I’m talking about finding you another relationship. I’m just talking about a good old-fashioned fuck. Something meaningless and wild, no strings attached. That’s what you need.”
“Umm…thanks, but I think I’ll pass.”
“Come on, Kami,” she sighed. “It’s been a few months since Stuart… I know you’re nervous, but you’ve got to start somewhere. You’re not getting any younger, you know.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I demanded.
Haley shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just something people say. Okay, forget that: you’re thirty, single, and hot as shit, even if you don’t believe it yourself. You need to get out there and fuck a few guys. Trust me, it’s the biggest stress reliever you can find.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“You should,” she nodded. “I’ve tested out the theory.”
“Oh, I know,” I said. “I’ve awkwardly run into quite a few of your bedfellows in the mornings.”
Haley smiled proudly. “I have built up quite the collection, haven’t I?”
“You don’t have to look quite so smug.”
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s okay for a man to brag about his exploits, but not a woman? I find that extremely sexist of you.”
I laughed and held up my hands in defeat. “Sorry, sorry,” I said quickly. “I don’t mean to be sexist at all. I’m just…worried about you.”
“Why should you be?” she demanded. “I’m always safe. I keep a stack of condoms in my bag and in my bedside table. I made the rules clear before I fuck anyone, and I never have to worry about my feelings getting hurt. It’s the perfect lifestyle.”
“And, what if you want to settle down one day?”
“You mean get married?” she asked. “Have kids?”
“Well, yes.”
“Urgh, sounds like a nightmare,” Haley said, cringing at the thought.
I laughed. “You really hate the idea?”
“With a passion,” she nodded. “I’m just not the type to want all that. No matter how old I get, I’m always going to want my freedom, and there’s no freedom in tying yourself to one person for the rest of your life. I’m thirty-three now, and I know what I want.”
I nodded, wishing I could be as sure of myself as Haley was of herself. It just made life simpler. But things had never been as easy for me. I was always second-guessing myself. I was always questioning every decision I made. I was always unsure of what I wanted.
“I think I’m going to head back into the kitchen and get started with dinner,” I said, as I rose from my seat.
“Okay,” Haley nodded. “I have a few more things to finish up out here.”
“Including your lunch,” I pointed out.
She gave me a wink. “Food’s great, by the way,” she complimented. “As always.”
I gave her a parting smile and walked back into my tiny kitchen. Small as it was, it was well organized. I knew its layout like the back of my hand, and that meant that when it came time for preparation, everything went off smoothly, like a well-oiled machine. I had known from the beginning that I had to be extra conscientious of things, considering I was the only chef in the kitchen.
But today my mind was a little preoccupied with the conversation that Haley and I had just had. Unable to stop myself, I got out my phone and scrolled through my conversations.
At the very end was my chat with Stuart. Even after so many months, I hadn’t deleted it. I knew it was a masochistic move on my part, but I sometimes I was a sucker for pain.
I scrolled through Stuart’s last few messages, reading the words, even though I already had them memorized.
“You want me to leave you alone? Fine, then I will. It’s your fucking loss. Your small tits and flat ass will always keep you single, and if those don’t, then your fat-ass legs will. So I’m not worried. But you should be.
“Don’t think you can come crying back to me, either, because I’ll already be fucking some other whore. And trust me, she’s going to be a hell of a lot hotter than you ever were. In fact, I’ve got a fucking hot as shit piece of ass sucking on my cock even as I’m typing this to you. And she’s already proved she’s better than you.”
I stared at the messages for a moment longer before closing the chat. I glan
ced outside, but Haley was absorbed in the books and wasn’t paying any attention to me. I took a deep breath and typed in “plastic surgeons in California,” then I hit search.
The number of hits that popped up instantly gave me a headache. I scrolled through the list and refined my search so that I took into account location and affordability. There were still quite a few choices, but I wasn’t ready to give up on the search.
I had never seriously considered plastic surgery before. It had just popped into my head earlier today and I had wanted to act on the thought instantly. Perhaps that was a sign that I was supposed to do that.
I had some money saved up and could realistically get some work done if I wanted to. I swallowed hard and seriously considered the possibility. What would Haley say? Would she be disappointed in me? Would she think I was weak and pathetic?
I pushed that out of my head. I needed to do this for me. I was the one who was forced to live in this body. I should be the one who decided what to do with it. I heard the chair scrape against the floor as Haley rose from the table. Quickly, I closed the page and put my phone away.
“Did you check the ingredients?” Haley asked as she popped her head into the kitchen. “Do you have everything you need?”
“I need more garlic,” I replied. “Celery, saffron, and some eggplant.”
“I’ll make a mental list,” Haley nodded. “We had a few breakages last night, so I’m going to pop into the department store around the corner.”
“All right,” I nodded. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Text me if you need anything else,” she said as she grabbed her bag.
“Yup.”
Haley glanced around the kitchen, trying to make a mental list of what she needed. She prided herself on her memory and rarely wrote anything down. Satisfied that she would remember everything, she walked towards the door.
“Umm Hales… while you’re out could you call Gavin?” I asked.
“You need more pills?” Haley asked.
“I’m running low,” I nodded.
“Alright,” Haley said, fixing me with a studying glance.
“What?”
“Are you okay?” she asked, stopping at the threshold and glancing back at me.
“Of course,” I nodded, hoping my tone didn’t give anything away.
“You’re sure?”
“Of course,” I repeated. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Haley nodded and headed out with a wave. I sighed and relaxed a little.
She could be a little over protective at times, but I didn’t blame her for it. Our experiences had taught us to be wary. Haley covered it up better than I did, but she was blatant in her concern for me.
I headed to my bag and pulled out my anxiety and depression pills. I took out one of each and stared at them for a moment.
I wished I could reach a point where I could finally throw them all down the drain, but I knew I wasn’t even close to being that independent. I relied on the pills far too much.
I put them away and turned to my clean kitchen counter. It was time to get it messy again, and I felt a sense of relief in knowing that I could lose myself in cooking for the next couple of hours.
I thought of Haley, and how confident and secure she always seemed to be. My thoughts turned back to plastic surgery, wondering if that could be my answer. Maybe that was what was going to set me free. Maybe then, I could be as happy as Haley seemed to be.
Chapter Five
JJ
I sighed as I took in the headline on the front page of the local newspaper. There had been a shooting in a nearby neighborhood, only a couple of miles away from the apartment I was renting out temporarily. The shooter had been identified as a twenty-one-year-old student. Thankfully, no one had been killed, but he had still managed to wound three people.
I read through eyewitness accounts and statements from different police officers that had turned up at the scene and my thoughts immediately flew to Peter. This was the sort of thing he would be involved in if it had been Colorado. He would have been front and center, handling the situation and making sure everything was safe.
I worried about all my brothers, but Peter and Sam dominated the lion’s share of my worry. They were the ones with the dangerous jobs, and I knew they wouldn’t hesitate to jump right in, no matter how bad the situation. They were born heroes, but sometimes my worry outweighed my pride. I made a mental note to give Peter a call later today. I had been putting off calling him for over a day now.
I knew that he would ask me about how the search for our mother was going, and I couldn’t bear to tell him the truth. I couldn’t bear to tell him that I’d found her, only to have frozen at the last second.
I had stayed behind the wheel and watched her get into her car and drive off. The thought of getting out of the car and walking up to her had been too petrifying even to contemplate.
Peter was not the kind of man to balk in the face of a situation like that. If he had been here, he would have gotten out of the car and walked right up to her. At least, that’s what I felt he would have done.
I had never had Peter’s strength, though. Nor did I ever have his bravery. He may have been the second brother, but he had taken on the mantle of the head of the house from the moment Dad had passed.
I was intensely proud of how he had risen to the occasion, but it also cast me in his shadow. It reminded me that I was not capable. It was one of the reasons I had insisted on looking for our mother myself. I had thought it was time to be the responsible older brother for once. But it seemed I was already failing at the attempt.
I was saved from further reflection when the door to my office opened and Danny walked in carrying a tray. He pushed the door shut with his foot, walked up to my table, and set the tray down in front of me ceremoniously.
“There you go, boss,” he said, with a smile. “Breakfast of champions.”
There was a plate of freshly baked croissants that smelled amazing, a basket of mini muffins, and a pitcher of orange juice.
“You got me breakfast?” I asked, with one raised eyebrow.
“I did indeed,” Danny nodded. “Enjoy.”
“Where’d you get all this?”
“There’s this amazing little bakery around the corner,” he replied. “I just picked up a couple of things. They have an assortment of different mini muffins, but I got the chocolate banana and the blueberry yogurt muffins. They’re the best.”
I looked at him pointedly.
“What?” he asked, with an innocent expression.
“What do you want?” I asked bluntly.
Danny’s innocent expression seemed to magnify, and I knew immediately that I was right. “What makes you think I want something?” he asked.
I smiled. “Because in my humble experience, nothing in life is free,” I said. “Now what do you want?”
“I must say, I am hurt,” he said with excessive emotion. “Can’t a guy bring his colleague, mentor, and friend breakfast without being accused of bribery? Also on an unrelated topic, I would like you to let me take the lead on our next breast consultation.”
“And there we have it,” I smiled.
“Try a muffin,” he prompted, pushing the basket towards me. “And let me take the lead.”
“Umm, let me think about that for a minute,” I said seriously, as I reached for a muffin. I took a bite and chewed for a long while, as Danny watched me eagerly. I swallowed. “Nope.”
“Aw, come on!” Danny said, with obvious disappointment.
“You’re not ready,” I said evenly. “I can’t have my understudy fighting a boner the whole time he’s examining a client.”
“You know, some women may take that as a compliment.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “And some women may take that as a reason to sue this clinic,” I replied calmly. “You’re not taking the lead today.”
“Try a croissant.”
I laughed. “Sorry, kid, as delicious as these baked goods are,
you should know that I’m not susceptible to bribes. Never have been.”
Danny sighed. “Wish I knew that before I sprung for breakfast.”
“I applaud your moxie, however,” I said.
“Fat lot of good that does me.”
I laughed while Danny sulked. “If it makes you feel any better, these muffins really are delicious.”
He threw me an aggravated look, and I had to suppress another laugh. We were interrupted by a knock on the door, and Marla stuck her head in.
“Excuse me, Doctor,” she said. “But your nine o’clock consultation is here.”
I glanced at the clock. “It’s eight-fifteen.”
“I know,” Marla nodded. “I just thought I’d inform you. I can tell her to wait.”
“No, it’s okay,” I said quickly. “We can see her now. What’s her name?”
“Kami Delouch,” Marla replied.
“Give me five minutes and then send her in,” I said.
Marla nodded and then closed the door behind her. “Let’s get this tray out of the way,” I told Danny as I rose from my seat.
We had just clearing away the breakfast when there was another knock on the door. “Send her in, Marla,” I called.
“It’s not too late to let me take the lead,” Danny said, making one last ditch attempt.
“Keep dreaming, kid,” I whispered back.
The door opened and I saw Marla gesture in a young woman. Her initial appearance took me off guard. She was not the sort of client I was used to seeing. Usually they were women who dressed well and took extra care with their appearance.
The girl who walked into my office was drowning in clothes that were too big for her. She was wearing baggy, gray sweatpants and a thin sweater that looked five sizes too big. In addition, she looked like she was hiding from someone. She was wearing a large hat that fell over her face and oversized sunglasses.
I saw Danny throw me a startled glance from the corner of his eye, but I ignored him, making sure the client didn’t feel as though she were being judged. I could sense already that she was nervous and embarrassed about being here.
“Good morning, Ms. Delouch,” I said, extending my hand out to her.
