by Naomi Niles
I leafed through the pictures, smiling at Kami as a baby. She had been a sweet, chubby baby who had lost all the baby fat around two years of age. She and Haley always seemed to be together, joined at the hip, hugging each other as though they would never let go. There were a few pictures that included their mother, and I could tell just by looking at them that both girls had adored her.
I kept looking at Natalie’s face, trying to find some indication of the pain she was in. It’s true, she looked a little sad, a little tired, but there was nothing so obvious that could tip anyone off to the fragile state her mind was in. I remembered all those conversations I’d had with Peter about our mother.
Peter had always been convinced that Mom hadn’t been happy with us. He was sure she had left because she had no real interest in being a mother or a wife.
But I wasn’t sure I agreed with that. I did believe she loved us, and I believed that she had a good reason for leaving. A part of me was aware that that could be wishful thinking, but it was a hope I had clung onto all these many years.
I put the pictures back in the second drawer and took out the duffel bag. Then I searched through Kami’s closet, trying to pick things that were practical and comfortable. I figured you could never go wrong with jeans, so I packed a pair, along with a couple of t-shirts and a hoodie, in case she got cold in the night. I also found a comfortable pair of pajamas that I added to the pile.
“Underwear,” I said to myself, looking around the room.
I found her underwear in one of the cupboards. I hesitated a moment, wondering if I should be going through her underwear drawer, but I figured it was an essential that Kami would definitely need. So trying not to be too nosy, I picked a couple of soft cotton panties and placed them in the duffel bag. I got Kami’s toothbrush, toothpaste, and a hand towel, and finally I was done.
As I walked through the living room to get to the front door, my eyes passed over all the pictures Kami and Haley had placed around the house. Most of them included their mother.
I thought about the connection that I had with Kami and wondered if this little similarity was what had drawn us together on some subconscious level. We were from completely different families and backgrounds, but we had both lost our mothers, albeit in very different ways.
But I realized there was one pointed difference: Kami had lost her mother for good and would never get her back. But I could. My mother was a stone’s throw away. All it would take was for me to make the choice.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Kami
I stood at attention the moment Doctor Mathers walked into the room. He gave me a kindly smile and went straight to Haley’s bedside.
“How are you doing, Ms. Delouch?” he asked as he examined Haley.
“Tired,” I replied. “And worried.”
“Well, you have no reason to be,” he said, looking up at me. “It looks like your sister is strong enough to start breathing on her own.”
“Really?” I asked, delighted by the news.
“We’ve been monitoring her condition all night, and she’s young and strong,” Doctor Mathers continued. “It’s time to wake her up.”
I sighed in relief and smiled. “Thank you so much, Doctor.”
“Why don’t you go and get something to eat or drink?” he suggested. “You look like you could use the energy.”
I nodded and headed for the cafeteria, satisfied that Doctor Mathers and the nurse would be with Haley for the next fifteen minutes or so. I wasn’t really in the mood to eat or drink anything, but I did want to walk around for a little bit, stretch my legs, and maybe get some fresh air.
JJ had been gone longer than I had expected, and I missed his soothing presence. I couldn’t even worry about how much I had started to rely on him. I would worry about that when Haley was in the clear and my mind had room to think about other things. I walked around the cafeteria for a while before I headed back to Haley’s room.
When I walked through the door, I paused in astonishment as Haley craned her neck slowly in my direction. One of the nurses was with her, looking at her heart rate through the monitor at her bedside.
“You’re awake,” I gasped.
The nurse turned to me. She was the same nurse who had been checking on Haley throughout the night. She gave me a reassuring smile. “Give her a few minutes,” the nurse told me. “She just came to.”
“Is everything all right?”
“Everything’s fine,” the nurse nodded. “Your sister’s a lucky woman.”
I sat down beside Haley’s bedside and slipped my hand into hers. Haley was breathing heavily, and I could tell the way she was blinking her eyes that she wanted an explanation.
“You’re okay,” I said softly. “You took some sleeping pills, and I found you unconscious in bed. They got you here just in time.”
Haley blinked twice, and I knew she understood me. I saw a tear slip from her eye before she turned her gaze to the ceiling. She gulped slowly, and I knew she was trying to talk.
“It’s okay,” I told her quickly. “You don’t have to say anything. Don’t try to speak just yet. Wait a while.”
We descended into a murky silence. I kept a firm grip on Haley’s hand, but my emotions were teetering on the brink. I felt almost manic, oscillating between relief, sorrow, and anger.
I was so unbelievably thankful that Haley was going to be all right. At the same time, I was furious at her for being so selfish and doing the same thing Mom had done, especially knowing how it had felt.
I couldn’t believe she had nearly put me through that a second time. Shouldn’t she have known what it would do to me?
On the heels of that thought, came guilt. Haley was lying in a hospital bed after attempting suicide, and here I was, thinking only of myself. The guilt stayed with me for a few more minutes before it turned once again into relief and then once again into anger.
By the end of the hour, I was exhausted by my own emotions. It was so taxing that I felt a headache come on. It didn’t help that the silence stretched on and on like eternity. Doctor Mathers arrived on the second hour and checked on Haley again. When he asked her questions, she either nodded or shook her head. He treated her kindly and gave me a smile, then stepped out of the room.
I was looking at the time when she said my name.
“Kami,” she said. Her voice was raspy and grainy.
I turned around as though she had shouted. The sound of her voice made me want to cry. “Haley,” I said, just because I wanted to say her name.
She held my gaze for a moment and I saw another tear slip from her right eye. “I’m so…sorry.”
Her words sent a stab of pain through me. It hurt because I knew she was hurting, and it hurt because I was hurting, too.
“You should have told me how you were feeling,” I said, unable to keep the words from my mouth. “You should have spoken to me.”
“I should have,” Haley nodded slowly.
“You’ve been depressed this whole time.”
“Yes,” she admitted at last.
“For how long?” I asked. “What triggered it?”
“I’ve always struggled with depression,” she admitted. “Ever since Mom died. But I think I just suppressed a lot of it. Or I used other things to keep my distracted, like work and men. It worked for me. But then… A few weeks ago, something snapped. And all the things that used to keep my distracted… They just didn’t work anymore.”
“Dad coming back into town didn’t help, did it?”
“No, it didn’t,” Haley nodded. “His visit just brought back our past again. He reminded me of Mom, and from that moment on, I couldn’t get her out of my head. I started dreaming about her. I became obsessed with the idea of suicide and what had caused her to make the decision. The more I thought about it, the less frightening it seemed. It actually started to look…attractive.”
“Attractive?”
“It’s hard to explain,” she said, as though she were embarrass
ed. “It’s just that when you’re in a dark place, you can’t see a way out. And suicide… It looked like relief to me. It felt like a way to release myself. It was selfish and unfair and incredibly stupid, and I’ll admit Kami, I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself in that moment.”
I knew that she knew I was angry. I knew she understood the rollercoaster of emotions I was on and I knew she understood. It helped a little, but it didn’t dull my faculties, it didn’t make me feel anything less.
But I knew that at this moment, I needed to focus on Haley’s recovery. I could be angry with her later, but for right now, I needed to be supportive of her.
I took her hand and squeezed it hard. “Promise me you’ll never do anything like this again,” I said, looking her in the eyes.
She sighed and held my gaze. “I promise I will try,” she said. “And if things get hard again… I promise that I will try to talk to someone.”
I nodded. “I can live with that,” I said. “But we can’t just ignore this, Haley. We need to do something. We need to be pro-active here.”
She wrinkled her brows at me.
“I’m talking about seeing a therapist,” I said.
Her face scrunched up a little, but she didn’t seem completely averse to the idea. “I don’t much like therapists…”
“I know that,” I said. “And I also understand why. It’s painful to talk about the past, it’s painful to talk about Mom, and it’s painful to examine your feelings. But it’s what you will need if you want to get better, Hales. It’s not going to come easily.”
Haley played with her fingernails and nodded.
“There’s a psychiatrist in this hospital whom I spoke with yesterday,” I told Haley. “Her name is Doctor Moira Mann, and she seems really good. I spoke to her for a short while, but in that time… I trusted her. I think you would, too.”
Haley seemed to consider it. “I suppose…it’s a start.”
“It is,” I nodded. “And, I’ll be with you for as long as you need me to be.”
“You’ll come to sessions with me?” she asked.
“Only if you’re comfortable with me being there,” I said.
“No, that would be…good,” Haley nodded. “It might even help.”
“Great,” I said. “Once you’re back on your feet, we can schedule a session with her.”
She nodded and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had thought it would take more convincing that that to get her to agree to meet Doctor Moira.
“Kami?”
“Yes?”
“How are you?” Haley’s voice was small as she asked the question. I looked up at her and I saw that her eyes were filled with concern. “Did you need your pills?”
I glanced towards my purse in surprise. “Actually, no,” I said, realizing that I hadn’t felt the need for an anti-anxiety pill yet. “JJ…”
“What?”
I shook my head. “I called JJ,” I told Haley. “He took the next flight out of Colorado to be here with me. He’s been here all night. He only left a few hours ago to get me some clothes from home.”
“He really left his family Thanksgiving to come back to California?” Haley asked, in amazement.
“He did,” I said. “I suppose with him here… I didn’t need the pills. And to be honest… it’s time we both weaned ourselves off of them anyway.”
Haley nodded slowly. “You’re right.”
“We don’t need Gavin anymore Haley,” I pushed the point.
Haley’s eyes unfocused for a moment and then she took a deep breathe. “You’re right,” she said, with conviction.
I leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. “I am right about this.”
“So John…” she said, and she smiled at me. “Looks like this is not just some casual fling huh?”
I suppressed my blush. “I don’t know.”
“Come on, Kami,” Haley said, sounding like her old self again. “Why would any guy take that much trouble over a girl he doesn’t care about. Plus, he already knows more about our family than he should and it still hasn’t scared him off.”
“He’s just a really decent guy.”
“I don’t care how decent a guy he is,” she said. “He wouldn’t be doing all of this if he wasn’t in love with you.”
I didn’t say anything. I knew Haley would just argue with me, and if she continued, she might even succeed in convincing me she was right. And I was in too fragile a position to handle that right now.
I had to admit the thought of JJ being in love with me was like a fairytale come true, but I couldn’t afford to invest in that fantasy right now. If it turned out to be all in my head, the disappointment would be too much for me to bear.
At that moment, there was a knock on the door and JJ stuck his head into the room. His eyes went wide when he saw that Haley was awake and talking.
“Hi,” he said. “You’re okay.”
Haley smiled and waved him inside. “I am okay.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, moving into the room tentatively. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You’re not,” she said before I could speak. “Please come in and take a seat, JJ. I can’t thank you enough for coming down here and being with Kami through all of this. I’m really quite embarrassed.”
“It was my pleasure,” he said in a gentlemanly manner. Then he turned to me and handed me the duffel bag in his hands. “I hope what I brought is All right.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, thank you,” I said, smiling at him.
I pulled up a chair and JJ sat down beside me. “How are you feeling, Haley?” he asked with concern.
“I’m doing good actually,” she said. “Better after speaking to Kami.”
He nodded. “I can imagine.
“I’m sorry, JJ,” Haley said. “You shouldn’t have had to deal with this whole situation.” Then she turned to me. “Kami, you should take him out to dinner as a thank you for dealing with us.”
I shook my head. “I’m not leaving you alone.”
“I’ll be fine,” she said, waving away my objection with her hand. “The nurses are just a button away and Doctor Mathers comes in to check on my every other hour.”
“You won’t have anything to do—”
“There’s the television,” she pointed out. “And I think the drugs are kicking in. I’m feeling really sleepy.”
“Are you sure?”
“Completely,” Haley nodded. “Take the boy out. He deserves a little treat.” She winked on the word treat, and I blushed.
“Call me if you need anything,” I said sternly. “Anything at all.”
“Will do, little sis,” Haley nodded. “I know you have my back.”
I leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. “Always,” I replied.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
JJ
“Where would you like to go?” Kami asked as we got into my car.
I turned in my seat so that I could face her. “Wherever you want to go is fine,” I assured her. “I’m just happy to be spending some time with you.”
She smiled and leaned back in her seat. “No,” she said, shaking her head. “This night is all about you. I want to take you somewhere nice, someplace you would like to go to.”
“Hmm…that gives me a lot of power,” I teased.
She laughed. “It does, doesn’t it?” she nodded. “Luckily I trust you.”
I raised one eyebrow. “You might not after you hear where I want to go.”
“Oh no,” she said, but she didn’t look too scared. “Okay, tell me. Where is it you want to go?”
“I was thinking…Venice beach.”
“Venice beach?” Kami replied. “It’s always so crowded.”
“I know,” I nodded. “But I think that might do you some good. It’ll be nice to be surrounded by some life after the last few days you’ve had.”
Kami bit her lip, and I knew she was a little nervous about going there. I reached out and took her hand. “I kno
w you don’t like crowds, and I know you have anxiety,” I said. “If you’re really not up to it, then we don’t have to go. I just think it might be good for you. And, I’ll be right by your side the whole time.”
Those words seemed to help a little. Her worried expression cleared and she stopped biting her lip. “I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst thing.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” I encouraged. “Plus, they have some great seafood stalls. I think you’d love them.”
“Okay,” Kami nodded. “Let’s give it a try.”
We drove down to the beach and the whole time, I had one hand on Kami’s lap. She traced little patterns on my skin, and I thrilled in the feeling as we arrived in the outer parking lot. I could tell the beach was packed with activity. The night air was a little chilly because of the wind blowing up from the ocean, but it was a peppy kind of chill that made you more aware of your body.
I held fast to Kami’s hand as we headed towards the boardwalk to start a leisurely stroll along the beach. She walked close to me, and I could tell that she was watching everything happening around us. Her eyes darted from side to side. There were old couples sitting on the benches, people taking their dogs for night time strolls, young lovers making out by the ocean, and parents trying to keep track of their kids while they flew kites and ate popsicles.
“What do you think?” I asked. “It’s not so bad is it?”
She smiled after a moment. “No,” she agreed. “It’s not so bad.”
I squeezed her hand. “I like watching people,” I told her. “I like imagining their lives.”
“Oh?”
“Take that couple over there,” I said, nodding towards an older couple, sitting by a bench overlooking the beach. They were eating hot dogs and laughing. “I imagine what their life must have been like and what brought them here tonight.”
Kami looked intrigued. “And, what’s your story for them?”
I glanced in their direction. The man had silver gray hair and he was clean-shaven. The woman’s was more white than gray, but she had stunning blue eyes.
