“You can’t be serious,” Mallory says, though she knows deep down that this is real. “How?” she says aloud. There is pain and confusion in her eyes as she takes this all in. I get that this is a lot to take in. And yet, I want to say the exact same thing. Ellie and I have been sitting quietly while this unfolds.
“Mallory, I …” Dad struggles for an explanation but closes his mouth.
“You have daughters with someone else?” Her voice is sharp. This echoes what I want to say to him. You are married and have kids with someone else?
“I had Jayce a long time ago — years before I met you,” he stammers. “This other one — I had no idea about.”
“Her name is Joelle,” I state angrily. “She’s four years old. She’s not some random kid. She’s Joelle Marie Loewen, born April 7, 2011. And you’re her dad.”
“Oh my God,” Mallory holds her head in her hands, sobbing. “The same age as Maddie!”
“I was touring … it was wrong.”
“You haven’t toured in eight bloody years, Joe.”
These words pummel me deep within. Eight years? All these years of us thinking he was living his dream, touring with his band. The math doesn’t add up.
“You didn’t choose the band?” What was he leaving us for? I can barely breathe. Both Mallory and Dad look puzzled, but I’m the one who is confused.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “You’re not a musician?”
Dad shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Of course. Well, I was … it’s been a long time.”
“Apparently!” I choke, and my voice is one I don’t even recognize. This explains why I haven’t been able to find anything remotely current about Raven’s Spell.
“You acted like the perfect dad whenever you came around. And all this time it was a big lie? You weren’t touring? You were leading a double life with her?!” I’m hysterical now. “What about Mom? You lied to her all this time, too? She loved you! She waited for you for years so that we could be a family …” My body is wracked with sobs, and Ellie starts crying, too. She rubs my back and snuggles into me. How is it that she’s comforting me? I should be protecting her from all of this. From this man who is nothing like she’s been told.
Mallory stands and throws her arms in the air as though she’s had all she can hear.
“Mal, no, don’t go,” Dad says pathetically.
“I have to. I have to pick up Maddie. Your other daughter, remember?” she replies icily.
“You shouldn’t be driving like this,” he reasons. “I’ll go get her.”
“Ha,” Mallory spits. She looks at Ellie and me, as though being alone with the two of us right now would be too much. She wipes mascara from her bottom eyelids and straightens up. The door clicks behind her and she’s gone.
We’re left alone. I wish Ellie wasn’t here. I wish I could shield her from this. I sit there, staring at his face. He looks terrible, panicked even. It’s so quiet I can hear a clock ticking in between his sniffles.
“Jayce,” he starts, and then swallows. “I never meant for all of this. It’s not quite what you think.”
“What do you mean?! You have a whole other family — and you’ve been lying to us both!”
“I loved your mother. I always have. I’ve never stopped.”
“Riiigghhhtt …” I manage. “Because that’s love. Leaving her to raise us alone all these years, only showing up when you wanted a booty call.”
“Jayce!” Dad interjects.
“What? What else would you call it? You’d stay for a couple of days here and there and then be on your merry way. And all that time we thought you were touring — that you might be someone special.” The last part is dripping with sarcasm. “And it turns out, you weren’t some successful rock star — you were a lying, cheating, married man! I wanted to believe it all. I wanted to believe that you weren’t around because of the music. Being a musician doesn’t make it okay to abandon your family, either, but at least telling people my dad was on tour made for a cool story. But the truth is you’re nobody.” I hug Ellie close as she cries beside me. I wish she wasn’t here to hear this, but I’m not done yet.
“My mom has loved you since day one. She has worked so hard to raise us without you, and this is what she gets? She doesn’t deserve this. Did she know about all of this?” I wave my hand around the room. My eyes scan the house as I do it. Happy family photos line the walls; cheery floral throw cushions adorn the couch. It’s bright and airy and beautiful.
He hangs his head in shame and shakes his head no.
“How could you do this to her? To us?” Ellie has curled up into my lap now and is resting her head on my shoulder.
“Jayce, I’ve loved your mother since the day I met her. I swear,” he says.
“This isn’t love. It’s deceit. Abuse. Lies. It’s all fake.”
“It was so great in the beginning — she and I. And you came along. It was so good. I really did start touring all the time then,” he explains. “I got caught up in the lifestyle and the partying, and I just couldn’t bring myself to come home and be the family man I knew you guys needed.” I look at him with contempt. He has tears and snot running together in streams down his face. He looks pathetic.
“Do you know what we went through? All the years you were gone? All the times you’d show up for a while, how excited we’d be and how scared, because we never knew when you’d take off again?”
He cries even more at my words.
“Remember my twelfth birthday? When you stayed as long as you did? How Mom said you had to make a decision. I know all about the choice you made. That’s when Mom got pregnant with Joelle. She kept trying to get a hold of you, but you’d disappeared off the face of the earth. And you missed all of this …” I look down at Ellie. He looks at her and sobs even harder. How could he do this to this innocent little child?
“I had no idea,” he manages through his tears.
“No, you wouldn’t. Because by then you had a baby on the way, didn’t you?”
He nods solemnly. “I decided after that visit that it would be best to leave you for good. I knew I couldn’t be the person you both deserved. I was with Mallory already, and I was getting a fresh start when I found out she was pregnant. I decided I’d be the best father I could be to our child.”
“At least you showed up for somebody.”
The room goes quiet again except for the sound of his crying. I’m surprisingly dry-eyed now; I feel anger more than anything.
“I’ve obviously come looking for you for a reason,” I say, my eyes full of disgust. I don’t know how I ever thought he’d be able to help. He probably won’t care at all about our situation. “We need help. Mom is sick.”
I watch his eyes light up with concern.
“It’s lung cancer. Stage four.” I don’t want to mention that she could be dying alone right now while I’m here with Ellie beside me.
“What do you need?” he asks quickly. “Money? A place to stay? Anything …”
I look at this man, who thinks that perhaps he can fix everything in one quick swoop.
I shake my head in disgust and stand from the table. I take Ellie by the hand and head toward the door. He stays seated at the table, his face bereft.
“A father,” I say clearly. “We need a father.”
I pull Ellie outside with me and the cool air feels welcome on our tired, tear-stained faces.
I rush her down the driveway and up the street, back to Kurt’s waiting car. Curiosity gets the best of me and I glance back once, to see if he’s run after us, if he’s following somewhere behind. But the sidewalk is empty.
It figures. I don’t know why I’d have hoped for anything else.
Chapter 10
When we get back to the car, Kurt is standing by the passenger door, holding his arms out to me as I approach. When I step into t
hem, fresh tears find their way.
“It was awful,” I whisper to him. He squeezes Ellie and me and then opens the doors for us. He looks as though he might cry as he drives. He stops at a drive-through and orders food for us. I thank him and try to nibble at my food, but it is tasteless. Ellie gobbles hers, and I’m grateful that she’s eating.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kurt asks me, finally, and I do, but I can’t find the words. Not until we’re almost back in Saskatoon. Until then we drive in silence, with the radio as distraction. I can’t believe what I’ve just learned. Of all of the scenarios I imagined, this was not one of them. Kurt can’t believe it either, and he doesn’t know what to say the whole ride home.
“Do you want to go home or to see your mom?” he asks gently, as we head back into the city. I don’t know that I’m ready to talk to Mom yet, and I feel so drained. He drives us home. Kurt stays with us, and his presence is calming and soothing to me. I relay everything to him, and he lets out a long whistle at the end of it.
Then the phone rings. It is Amanda.
“There you are! I’ve been trying you like a million times already today.” She sounds angry.
“Well, I’m here now,” I say with impatience.
“Thanks a lot, you know,” she says coolly. “You stood us up.”
“Stood you up for what?” I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“You asked to come with us to my dad’s work. We waited outside your house. My dad was late because of you.”
I groan inwardly. Take Your Son/Daughter to Work Day. Ugh. How could I have forgotten?
“I’m so sorry, Amanda — it completely slipped my mind.”
“What do you mean, it slipped your mind? It’s school, for crying out loud.”
“I know — it’s just — I was out of town.” I’m stammering. Maybe this is the time I tell her what’s really happening. Surely she’ll understand when she hears what I’m dealing with.
“You’ve been acting so strangely lately, and you barely talk to me. You know how much I’m going through with Luke and everything, and you just don’t seem to care. I thought we were closer than that. Then you ditch me today and tick off my dad. I mean, what could I tell him? ‘I have no idea where she is, Dad. She was supposed to be here.’”
“I’ll apologize to your dad — I will. I didn’t mean for this to happen …”
“Look, J.J., I’m done. Honestly. I thought you were a better friend than this.” And with that she hangs up and I’m left with a dial tone.
I look stricken when I hang up the phone.
“What now?” Kurt asks. “Your face says it all.”
“Well, my best friend has pretty much called off our friendship. I messed up. I bailed on Take Your Son/Daughter to Work Day. I was going to work at her dad’s firm. That and she doesn’t feel like I’m there for her anymore.”
“What?!” Kurt says, shocked. “Does she know what’s going on for you right now?”
“I haven’t told her. I haven’t really made it that far.”
“Maybe you should talk to her then.”
“That’s the thing. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I’m so confused. I’m really starting to question whether she would be able to handle this or not.”
Kurt pulls me in for another hug, and I practically melt. His hugs are so strong and warm, and they make me feel safe.
“You’ve been really amazing, Kurt,” I tell him. We sit on the couch together for a long time before he tells me he has to go. I walk him to the door and just as he is about to step out, he turns and plants a sweet and soft kiss on my cheek. My insides go warm. I blush and smile and wave goodbye.
I shut the door and take inventory of my day. I’ve managed to skip out of a big obligation, travel to another city, find my dad, possibly break up a family, and lose my best friend, all in about twelve hours. Kurt’s hugs and his kiss are the definite highlights, but they don’t come close to erasing the nightmare of this day.
Chapter 11
“Mom, this is my friend Kurt.”
Kurt holds out his hand and Mom shakes it tentatively. She gives him a polite smile and then shifts uncomfortably on her bed. She gives me a pointed look, and I know she’s wondering what is going on. And I think she’s worried about me having a new guy friend.
Ellie jumps onto Mom’s bed and snuggles into her happily. Mom visibly relaxes at having Ellie close to her.
“Kurt’s been helping me with things,” I say.
“What kinds of things?” Mom says, a bit sharply.
“He researched all of the Loewens in Canada so that we could narrow down the search. He’s basically the reason we found Dad.” I feel sick at the thought of telling her what I’ve learned.
“Did you find him?” Mom’s voice is small and childlike.
“Yes,” I start, sucking in my breath. She is searching my face for clues, hoping she’ll like the news.
I don’t want to relive this with Ellie around. “Kurt, could you take Ellie for a walk?” I ask.
“You bet,” Kurt replies, and Ellie jumps off the bed, eager to spend time with Kurt. Mom’s eyes follow them out. She seems worried about letting Ellie walk off with Kurt, who is a complete stranger to her.
“He’s fine, Mom,” I assure her. “She’s in good hands.”
Mom nods and decides to trust me. She’s far more interested in hearing about my dad.
“We went to his house in P.A.” I start wringing my hands. I’m fidgety all over. How do I start this? A detailed play-by-play of what happened? With Mallory first?
I want to be strong and act like none of this matters. I want to be brave for Mom, but instead my voice wavers and tears prick my eyelids before I can say anything else. I want to tell her everything in a way that makes it seem as though I could care less, so that she isn’t disappointed or hurt. She’s defended him all these years, and her reward is to experience the pain of him choosing to leave us for good. And then I think of him married to Mallory, in a perfect house in a perfect neighbourhood with another daughter that he adores and spends each day with. My stomach churns uncontrollably again and I fight the urge to vomit.
She is looking at me expectantly. Although he has caused her this pain, I see that in some way he still holds the key to her heart; there’s no mistaking it. Not knowing how to continue in a way that will make this easier, I blurt: “He’s married, Mom. For years. To a woman named Mallory. And they have a four-year-old daughter — same age as Ellie.” I’m practically panting from letting the words tumble out of me.
Mom stares at me vacantly. It is dead silent except for the hum of the oxygen compressor. I stare back, waiting for a flicker of emotion from her, but she sits stunned. She blinks. And then blinks again. The silence is deafening. I can’t handle her reaction — how subdued it is, how unemotional it seems. She sits, unmoving. I wonder if maybe she hasn’t heard me.
“Jayce,” Mom says weakly. Her voice is so quiet and shaky, I decide something else is wrong.
“I’ll get help, Mom …” I respond quickly. Should I press the call button or run into the hallway and flag someone down? I decide on heading to the hallway and turn to leave.
“No,” Mom croaks. I spin around, surprised.
“Are you sure?” I ask.
She nods and lays her head back onto her pillow.
“Mom?!” I’m so worried. She looks as though she might pass out. “Are you okay? What should I do?”
Mom waves at me as if to say not to worry, but her ashen face and her downcast eyes tell me a different story.
“He knows about Ellie?” Mom says finally. Her voice is nothing more than a whisper.
“He knows.”
She nods but her eyes remain blank.
“Mom, his wife had no idea. We were a total surprise to her. She left to go and pick up their dau
ghter from preschool, but she was super upset …” I don’t know what else to say. I’m practically slicing my mother’s heart with a butcher knife right now. “He tried to tell me that he loved us, that he’d never stopped. Then he said he felt so guilty about being gone so much that Mallory and his other daughter were his chance to start over and do things right.” I scoff at my own words. They sound ridiculous. “How could he have a completely different life?” I ask her, my voice steadily rising. “How could he just forget about us and play the perfect family man with them?” Tears spring down my cheeks yet again.
“What about his music?” I barely make out Mom’s words, she’s so quiet.
“Apparently he quit music a long time ago. Guess that career didn’t really pan out after all,” I spit. My fingers curl into fists at my words. I can feel my whole body tense. “Whatever stories he told you, they were all lies,” I say.
Mom’s breathing becomes more laboured. I see that I’ve stressed her out far too much.
“We don’t need him, Mom,” I cry, rushing to her to wrap my arms around her. We cling to each other, our bodies shaking uncontrollably, wracking with sobs. I’m relieved that she is finally showing emotion, but scared of how badly my news has hurt her.
Her thin, frail body feels so delicate in my arms, and I feel another surge of anger at how unfair this is to her. Part of me debates telling her about how he tried to convince me of his love for my mom, how he swore that he’d never stopped loving her, but I can’t bring myself to do it. The words mean nothing now, and I don’t want to give her false hope. He’s not coming back to us. Not now. Not ever. I can’t protect her from this horrible truth.
“Jayce.” Mom seems so heartbroken, so spent. “It’s time.”
“Time for what?” I have no idea what she means. Her eyes are closed now, and she is leaning back onto her pillow. She seems to be trying to gather her thoughts. I wait for what feels like an eternity for her to speak again, and, when she does, her words are crystal clear.
If This Is Home Page 8
