The Littlest Boss

by Janet Lee Nye

  Lily thought about that for a moment then nodded. “I don’t like it either. But can I still have a kitten?”

  Tiana laughed. “Yes. But not today, okay? Mommy needs to get this straightened out first.”

  Vivian stood up and held a hand out to Lily. “Come on, we’ll make some cookies. Go wash your hands first though.”

  As Lily dashed off to the bathroom, Vivian sat back down and took Tiana’s hands in hers. “What happened?”

  Tiana told her quickly, in a low whisper, as guilt twisted in her gut. All her fault. Vivian shook her head as she listened.

  “Look at me, Tiana,” Vivian said. She met her mother’s gaze. “Don’t be beating yourself up about this. Put fault where it belongs. Is DeShawn okay?”

  “I don’t know. He wouldn’t talk to me. Just told me to leave. I had her with me so I couldn’t stay.”

  “It’ll be all right. She doesn’t seem too affected by it.”

  “I hope not.”

  “Try to talk to DeShawn. See if he’s okay.”

  Tiana pulled her hands away from her mother’s. “I don’t know, Mom. When he hit the car... It frightened me.”

  “I understand, Tiana. But talk to him, at least. That doesn’t seem like DeShawn.”

  “No, mother. It doesn’t. But it still happened. And Lily doesn’t need to be around that.”

  * * *

  AN HOUR LATER, Lily was happily eating cookies as fast as she baked them. Tiana hadn’t gotten over the trauma of the scene quite as easily. She reached for her purse. “I’ve got a few errands to run. Do you need anything?”

  “Not that I can think of,” Vivian said.

  “My kitten,” Lily mumbled under her breath.

  It made Tiana smile. If she felt okay enough to be sassy, she was going to be fine. “It’s still a yes, Lily. Just not today.”

  In the car, she got her phone out of the purse and dialed Kasey’s number.

  “Is everything all right?” Kasey picked up. “You never call.”

  “No. I mean, I’m okay. I... Something happened. Can I come over? I need to talk.”

  “I’ve got about ten guys here watching some Sportsball thing. Are you in West Ashley? Meet me in Barnes & Noble for some Starbucks?”

  Ten minutes later, Tiana was in line, ordering tea. Tea was supposed to calm nerves, right? She had enough adrenaline rushing through her, she didn’t need a caffeine boost. Finding a table as far away from other people as she could, she sat down and waited. Her hands shook on the table and she clenched them into fists.

  Kasey skidded into the area about five minutes later, hair in a messy ponytail, no makeup, in jeans and a faded T-shirt that said Nasty Woman. “What’s wrong?” she asked as she sat across from Tiana and took her hands.

  Tears stung at Tiana’s eyes. “Did you just throw on shoes and run out of the house?”

  “Didn’t even brush my teeth. What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know.” She told Kasey everything.

  “Yikes. Tiana. That sounds like a scene straight outta the ER. Poor Lily. What are you going to do?”

  She felt her shoulders slump. “I don’t know. That’s why you are here.”

  “Is Lily okay?”

  “She seems to be. We talked about it when we got home. She was more concerned about still being able to get a kitten.”

  “That’s good. Don’t make a huge deal about it. She probably didn’t understand what was happening. Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know what I am. It tore me up to see all that pain he was carrying around. I think the worst is that it scared me. To see the anger behind that pain. I understand it, but it was so completely out of character for DeShawn. And now I’m having doubts. Is that there all the time? Have I just never seen it until now? How can I trust him around Lily? Am I making another mistake?”

  Kasey chewed on her bottom lip as she stared at Tiana. “Okay. That’s a lot. Let’s break it down. First. You were falling in love with him?”

  The past tense of the question stabbed at her. Was it still true? “Yes.”

  “I think you should talk to him.”

  “But. Lily. I have to think about who I let around her.”

  “Stop using her as an excuse.”

  “Excuse me?” A real anger rose in her.

  “Unbunch your panties, Tee. You know I’m not going to sugarcoat anything. That’s why you called me. I meant don’t use Lily as an excuse to walk away from him without even trying. Talk to him. Find out what exactly is going on.”

  Only slightly mollified, Tiana stalled by sipping at the now tepid tea. “I don’t think he’s going to talk to me about it. I tried. He told me to go away.”

  “One minute after it happened. And you had Lily. Ever cross your mind that he didn’t want to talk to you because he didn’t want Lily to hear any more? This is the way I see it. You got a man who came from a pretty shitty home life yet still managed to graduate from college, start a good career and—when not being ambushed by his estranged drug addict mother—is a generally all-round nice guy. Don’t throw all that away because of one moment.”

  “Sometimes a moment is all you need to see into a person’s true nature.”

  “You don’t believe that. If you believed that, you would have washed your hands of him already. You wouldn’t be sitting here talking to me.”

  Clapping her hands over her face, Tiana groaned. Kasey was right. She was struggling against her first impulse to run away, to burn down all her feelings for DeShawn.

  “Relationships aren’t all hot sex and calorie-free cupcakes, girlfriend. Sometimes it’s raw and messy.”

  “I didn’t get any calorie-free cupcakes.”

  “Not denying the hot sex, I see.”

  Slinging her purse strap over her shoulder, Tiana sat up straight. Get some spine, woman. “I’m going over there right now. Make sure he is okay and if he wants to talk.”

  “Maybe give him some time,” Kasey suggested.

  “No. I think it has to be now. If I let it wait, it’ll just be easier to talk myself out of it.”

  As they walked out of the store, Kasey gave her a tight hug. “I hope it works out. Call me later. Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  She went to her car with a pounding heart. What are you going to say? Her brain had no answer for that question. What if she couldn’t look at him the same way? What if this was all over? She took in a deep breath.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  THE KNOCK AT the door was so tentative, he knew it was Tiana. Shame burned through him. Lily. She’d seen it all. Heard all the terrible things he’d said. And the dent his fist had left in his car? Tiana had certainly seen that. Tiana, whose best friend Mickie had nearly been beaten to death by her ex-boyfriend. She wasn’t going to let that go lightly. His phone buzzed.

  Please open the door.

  He rolled off the couch and, crossing the space in a few long strides, cracked open the door. “Just go home, Tiana.”

  She put a hand on the door and pushed. “Are you okay?”

  He turned away and returned to the couch. He knew she followed him inside but couldn’t look at her. She’d come to tell him goodbye. He could feel it. And as much as he didn’t want to hear it, it was the only decision she could make.

  “No. I am not okay,” he said, throwing himself down on the couch. “Go home.”

  She came and sat on the table in front of the couch and took his hand. “DeShawn. Talk to me. What happened? What was that all about?”

  “That was my lovely mother. Sorry I forgot to introduce you.”

  “Don’t be like this,” she said with a bit of heat in her voice. “Talk to me.”

  “Go home, Tee. You don’t deserve this. Lily doesn’t deserve t
his.”

  “I don’t even know what you mean by this.”

  He sat up and she walked over so she could sit next to him. “My life,” he said. “The reality of it. That’s my mother. My father is even worse. My whole family is one giant ball of either codependent dysfunction or actively involved in substance abuse.”

  “But you aren’t.”

  “Just because I don’t abuse doesn’t mean I escaped harm. Doesn’t mean the damage isn’t there. You saw that.” He looked at her. She didn’t look away.

  “I saw you get surprised and emotionally attacked out of the blue,” she said.

  “And you saw what happens. Rage. Violence. Honestly, are you willing to expose Lily to me? Knowing that anger is inside me? Don’t even answer that. Just go away. Go.”

  It hurt to say it to her. More than he could imagine. He could feel her gaze on him. He could feel the pain in it. Still, he couldn’t meet her eyes. If she couldn’t end it, then he had to. For her own good. For Lily’s own good.

  “You don’t mean that.” Hearing her words, spoken so softly and shakily, ripped at his heart. “Look me in the eye and say that.”

  It was the hardest thing he’d ever done but he did it. Turning his head, he looked into her shocked brown eyes. “Go home, Tiana. It’s over.”

  As she stood and walked out the door, he fought against the urge to call her back, to run to her, to tell her this wasn’t really what he wanted. But it was the right thing to do. So he let her go.

  * * *

  “WHAT’S WRONG?” VIV asked as Tiana walked through the door.

  Glancing at Lily, who was reading a book in the living room, Tiana shook her head. “Nothing.”

  She continued straight to her bedroom and shut the door. Sinking down on the bed, she thought she should be crying or something. But there was nothing. Nothing but an awful empty, hollow feeling. Stiff and brittle. As if she might break into pieces. You love him. Great. Now you’re sure. She looked up as her mother opened the door.

  “Close it,” she said, hearing the tears wavering in her voice. She didn’t need Lily to see her crying over a man.

  “What’s happened?” Viv asked, sitting beside her and taking her hand.

  “My heart is broken.”

  With those words, the tears came. She leaned into her mother’s embrace and cried. It had all been so sudden. One moment, laughing and teasing. Going to look at damned kittens. The next...it had ended. Her mother asked no questions, for which she was grateful. She didn’t want to talk. All she needed were her mother’s strong arms around her, the comforting sound of her voice in her ear.

  “Momma? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

  Lily’s worried voice shut the tears off like a faucet. Wiping at her face, she held her arms out and tried to smile. “I’m okay, love. Just a little sad.” Gathering Lily on her lap, she kissed her on both cheeks.

  “Why are you sad though? Is it because I want a kitten?”

  “No, baby girl. It isn’t that at all. Mommy had a friend who she can’t be friends with anymore and it made her sad.”

  “Was your friend mean to you? That happened to me and Claire. This girl wanted to be our friend but then she said mean things to Kara so we couldn’t be friends with her anymore. Because Claire and I don’t like mean people.”

  That got a real smile. “I’m proud of you for sticking up for other people and not liking mean people.”

  Viv stood up and took Lily’s hand. “Come on, little miss. Read me a story while I finish folding laundry. We’ll let your mother alone for a nice long bubble bath.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  She had been planning on crashing for a nap; she felt exhausted. But a scalding hot bath with the new sugar cookie–scented bubble bath she’d gotten at the mall sounded really good also.

  Her thoughts kept returning to DeShawn as she sat on the edge of the tub, one hand spinning circles in the water to churn up more bubbles. Believe people when they tell you who they are. She knew this to be true. But she also knew people in pain sometimes said the worst they believed of themselves, not the truth of themselves. Sighing, she turned off the water as soon as it began to run cool.

  Easing into the almost scalding water, she felt her muscles relax. One of the many reasons she was paying the scandalous rent for this apartment was this full-size garden tub. It took the entire water heater to fill but she could sink down to her neck and still stretch her legs out straight. Tilting her head back with another sigh, she closed her eyes. Maybe. No. No maybes. It’s over. He said so. Deal with it and move on.

  She kept the ugly crying at bay, but let her tears run down her face until the bathwater cooled and she was forced to climb out.

  Problem with being a grown-up was all the relaxing benefits of a bubble bath were ruined because you had to clean out the tub after. Here’s where a maid would come in handy. Meeting her eyes in the bathroom mirror, she straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. No wallowing. No crying. Not around Lily.

  * * *

  THE INCENSE IN the foyer burned his nose as DeShawn passed the altar with the statue of Buddha. Offerings of food were on the small table in front of the statue. He continued on into the restaurant, feeling an odd sense of relief as if passing by the altar had let him leave the world outside. He hadn’t felt normal since sending Tiana away the day before. Wandering around in a state of numbness punctuated by moments of anger or regret. He blinked as he glanced around the dim space. The hostess approached him just as he spotted Sadie sitting in a booth in the rear of the quiet room.

  He slid into the booth. Taste of Thai had been one of his favorite takeout places when he was a crew member. Good food. Lots of it. Good prices. While other restaurants were full of loud chatter and the clanking of silverware on plates, it was always quiet here. Even when all the tables were occupied, there was an unspoken rule that voices were lowered.

  He’d called Sadie in a moment of weakness and told her whole ugly mess with his mother and Tiana. This earned him an order to be at the restaurant by six p.m.

  “You okay?” she asked as he sat down.

  He shrugged and flipped open the menu. She let him get away with that. That she hadn’t gone all mother bear on him meant he was about to get some serious Sadie talking-to soon, though.

  After they’d given their orders, he looked at her. “I don’t know how I am.”

  “You loved this woman.”

  “I still do. But I can’t see any way back.”

  “Maybe not right now. Tell me what happened.”

  As he began to describe the incident, she listened for a little while then covered his hand with hers. “I don’t need the play-by-play, DeShawn. How do you feel?”

  “I feel like crap. I can’t put it out of my mind anymore. Before, I could push it all away and function. Now it just keeps popping up.”

  “What do you mean by it?”

  “The anger. The sheer anger. It’s just there. I can’t make it go away.”

  “Well, you have a right to be angry. What she did was very wrong. You know that, right? The things she said aren’t true. That was an addict talking. You did nothing wrong.”

  He pushed the lemon in his water down to the bottom of the glass, pinning it there with the straw. “Intellectually I know. Emotionally I feel worse than I ever did as a kid.”

  They sat in silence until their food arrived. Taking a sip of his absolute favorite, the coconut chicken soup, he let out a sigh. The sweet creamy coconut milk laced with level-three spice was a perfect one-two punch on the tongue. Matched the constant boxing match going on in his mind. “You feel bad about the things you said. That’s because you, unlike your mother, are capable of empathy,” Sadie She reached out, put her hand on top of his and said his name. “DeShawn.” Then, she took her hand back and put it
to work forking pad thai into her mouth. “Sorry,” she said. “This stuff is really good, and I’m hungry.”

  He smiled and nodded. He picked his spoon up, then placed it back down. He became quiet. Then he said, “I have to do something.” He looked toward the windows as if that something would be waiting for him right there in the parking lot. It wasn’t. He looked back to Sadie. “I have to do something. I can’t walk around feeling like this. I want my life back. The life where I was happy.”

  It was the truth. If he could rewind time, make it never happen. If he could still be with Tiana, moving slowly forward. Still falling in love. It was as if his mother had taken all the joy out of his life. No. That was a cop-out.

  His mother triggered him, yeah, okay, but his actions, his words, what he did—that’s what had taken all the joy out of his life. You can’t control what other people do. But you, yourself, what you do? Maybe. Maybe you had a shot at that.

  Yeah, well, rewind the tape and remember that then instead of now. Damn! This empty feeling, this numbness. This was not the way to be. This was no way to be.

  Sadie swallowed and pointed her fork at him. “You need to call her sponsor. See if she knows about this. Then you need to meet with your mother under controlled circumstances. I’ll go with you. Don’t even try to argue with me. You’re doing it. I’m coming with you. The end.”

  “What happened to all that ‘it’s your choice’ stuff you were peddling last time?”

  “You were okay then. You weren’t being actively harmed by waiting. Now you’re bleeding all over the place and won’t even let anyone help you put a Band-Aid on it. So, I’m pulling my boss status and insisting.”

  “You’re not the boss of me anymore.”

  “Ha! Bullshit I’m not. Call the sponsor. Right now.”

  “Not here. Let me eat my dinner.”

  She brightened as if that was the most sensible thing he’d said yet. “Okay, yes. Eat. But we will have this arranged before I leave you.”

  He ate his soup, trying to feel angry at her. But he couldn’t. She was right. Sadie was always right. That’s why you called her, dude. You knew she’d make you do the right thing. He had fallen right into his mother’s manipulation. She’d tried to make him feel bad. To make him think his refusal to talk to her was his failing instead of his choice. He had to make it clear that he wasn’t going to play the game anymore. He had to fully let go of his parents. Dropping his spoon into the soup with a splash, he sighed.