“It’s scary hard,” Sadie said knowingly. “I understand.”
“I feel like I’m killing something.”
“You are. It’s called hope. There was a part of me that, no matter what, hoped that my mother would wake up and be sorry for what she did. That she’d take responsibility and apologize and really change and then everything would be sunshine and riding unicorns over rainbows. But when you grow up, you know that isn’t going to happen. And you have to let that dream go or you’re going to stay right where you are.”
A wry smile turned up the corners of his mouth. “I’d ask how you got so smart, but I know.”
“I will always be here for you, DeShawn.”
He nodded and spooned up more soup to wash down the lump that had risen in his throat. They ate in silence for a while. When he’d finished, he pushed the bowl to the side and picked up his phone.
“Is this DeShawn?” Gretchen asked when she answered.
He lowered his head and his voice and tried to hide his surprise. “Yes, it is.”
“I am so sorry about what happened. Denise told me about it after she got home. She almost used over it, she felt so bad.”
“I really don’t care about her feelings on the matter. But I think we need to sit down and finish this. You, me, my mother and my friend Sadie.”
Sadie reached out and took his hand, giving it a squeeze. He felt her strength flow into him.
“That’s a good idea. Can we do it this week? I don’t want too much time to go by before we address it.”
“Fine. Prepare my mother. I’m going to be saying goodbye to her. Forever. Make sure she understands this is her only chance to do that amends thing she needs for her sobriety. I’ll give her the opportunity for that. But only once. Then we’re done.”
“Fair enough. I understand.”
He ended the call feeling more relieved than he’d expected to feel. He squeezed Sadie’s hand. “That was easier than I thought.”
“Because you are taking your power back. She threw you for a loop and made you doubt yourself. But you know who you are. You know what you want. You know what you are capable of doing. You’ve got this.”
His heart filled with her words. “Thanks, boss.”
“I’m not your boss. I’m your cool, always right big sister.”
“Certainly pain in the butt enough to be a sister.”
She grabbed the check. “Let’s go over to the mall and I’ll let you buy me a cupcake.”
“Deal.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
KASEY CAUGHT TIANA by the arm and swung her into an empty treatment room. “You okay?”
“Yes. Bay 8 is out for an MRI. I’m waiting on orders for the sore throat lady. I’m getting ready to go discharge the stitches in bay 10. Waiting on blood work to come back on altered-mental-status granny. Sheesh, why can’t the whole no-patients thing be every Tuesday?”
“Not with your assignment, Tee. With you. I know you’ve got this stuff down,” Kasey said with a hand flourish toward the chaos of the emergency department.
“Oh. Yeah. I’m fine. Tired.”
Tired. Try exhausted. She couldn’t sleep. Between pretending everything was okay in front of Lily and her mother and Kasey deciding she needed to start having her own full assignments before coming off orientation in a couple of weeks, she was simply worn out. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the pain in DeShawn’s eyes when he told her to go away.
“Have you tried to talk to him again?”
Shaking her head, she swallowed down the tears. “No. It’s best if I just accept that it’s over and move on.”
Kasey looked at the clock. “Shift is over in an hour. Come have dinner with me at the Nurses’ Lounge.”
“I can’t stay late. I have to take Lily to school in the morning.”
“Just do what I do. Put a coat on over your pajamas and go back to bed when you get home,” Kasey said. “Amateur.”
“Fine. But you aren’t going to get me drunk and weepy and spilling my guts all over the place.”
“Promise. We’ll play a nice game of rate the boy nurses.”
Tiana’s work pager buzzed to life in her pocket. “Duty calls.”
* * *
AN HOUR OR SO later, they were ensconced at a table at the Nurse’s Lounge. It was just after eleven at night so the place was packed. “I can’t believe we actually got out on time,” Kasey said and she looked over the menu.
“Seriously. That means tomorrow is going to be a horror show, doesn’t it? Nothing ever ends nice and neat in the ER.”
“Probably. I want a burrito.”
Tiana slapped the menu down. “And a margarita.”
“Hell yes, my friend.”
While waiting for their food, they talked about the shift. Tiana had done the entire patient load while Kasey stood back, available for guidance or assistance. “Overall, you did great. Everything that needed to be done, you did. Your charting was sickeningly perfect. You’ll get over that pretty soon. Very good for your first solo day.”
“Good to hear. I felt like I was running around like a squirrel in the middle of the road.”
“That’s just work flow stuff. Nothing to do for that but practice. Want to come off orientation early? I think you’re ready.”
“Absolutely not. I’m taking every second I can get. I’m not ready to swim in the deep end yet.”
“You are. Every nurse feels like that. We’ve talked. It’s going to be a full year before you stop feeling like a complete fake. Two years before the feeling of sheer terror leaves you. Just keep swimming.”
Their burritos and margaritas arrived and they dove in. On twelve-hour shifts, nurses were supposed to have a thirty-minute lunch and two fifteen-minute breaks. ignored he reality was that getting two minutes throw some food in your mouth was considered a good day. And then there were the shifts when if you managed to find thirty seconds between alarms, you invested that thirty seconds in dipping into the bathroom to empty your bladder.
“Are you ready to talk about DeShawn yet?”
“Don’t ruin my margarita experience, Kase.”
“You were falling in love with him.”
I was in love with him. Am in love with him. She swallowed hard on the chunk of burrito stuck in her throat. “That’s neither here nor there. He told me to go away. He told me to leave him alone. I’m not sure that he’s not right. That I shouldn’t go away. There’s a lot there I don’t know about.”
“Doesn’t mean you have to. I think you should try to talk to him again.”
“It’s not going to make any difference. He’s completely shut me out.”
“How do you know? Have you tried to talk to him? Text? Phone call? Knocked on his door?”
Dragging a tortilla chip through the salsa, Tiana shook her head. “No. What good would it do? Have him tell me to go away again? Make a fool of myself? No thank you.”
“I think you may get a different reaction now that a few days have passed. He was upset and angry. Probably more than a little embarrassed. You really ready to throw it all away? The way you talked about him, I thought he was going to be the one.”
“Me too. But look how wrong I was. I’m a fast learner—I don’t need to be taught the same lesson twice.”
Kasey finished off her drink with several long swallows and brought the glass down hard on the table. “You throwing clichés at me? Some things are worth fighting for. How’s that?”
“Don’t beat a dead horse.”
“When you reach the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
“Don’t keep doing the same thing expecting different results.”
“The dogs bark, but the caravan passes by.”
“That doesn’t even make se
nse,” Tiana said with a laugh.
“I blame the margarita. Come on. Do you want it to be over?”
Finishing her own drink, Tiana shook her head. “No. But to use another cliché, the ball is in his court.”
“I’m sorry, friend.”
“Me too. But I’ve got other things to deal with right now.”
“Your mother still won’t leave?”
“She goes home when I’ve got a long stretch off. I think we need to arrange for a practice sleepover for Lily and Claire while she’s here. So she can see that Lily likes it. That it really is good for her to have that sibling-like experience. That I have a good circle of support.”
“Then we’ll set it up. We’ll get Jordan in on it too and have all three girls together. We can do it at your house. Your mom can meet us all and see how the girls get along. It’ll be fine.”
“I know. I think it’s that Lily is her last baby. She’s spent her life caring for her own kids and every kid back home. I’m down to begging one of my sisters to get pregnant.”
“Any chance that’s going to happen?”
“I think Shanelle and her husband are trying. They just don’t want to say it because Mom would be up there offering advice and cooking get-pregnant food or something.”
“That’s a thing? Get-pregnant food?”
“My mom thinks so. She also thinks there is a have-a-boy diet and a have-a-girl diet.”
“Does it work?”
Tiana arched her eyebrows. “Planning something?”
“No. Maybe. Don’t you want more kids? We thought we just wanted one. But now we’re talking. A little boy would be nice.”
Picking up the napkin, Tiana wiped her hands. “I would love more. Always wanted at least three. Someday.”
Kasey reached out and took her hand. “Yep. Someday.”
“Someday is going to have to wait. It’s almost one a.m. and I need to get up at six.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
FRIDAY MORNING, TIANA waited nervously on the sidewalk. Why she was so nervous, she didn’t know. The simulation lab workers were going to lead the tour. Maybe because you don’t have DeShawn here with you. She shook her head. Stop thinking about him. Henry was driving up with four of the kids from his class who expressed an interest in medicine. She needed to be on her game, not moping around over a man.
Pacing, she pulled her coat tighter and frowned at the man sitting on the low wall of the parking garage smoking a cigarette. Flicking her eyes to the No Smoking sign just above where he was standing, she shook her head and reversed direction.
She heard her name and looked back to see Henry herding the kids up the sidewalk. One look at their faces made her grin. They were looking around in awe of the tall medical building surrounding them, the hustle and bustle of people coming and going.
“Hey, guys! Glad you made it,” she said as they caught up to her. “Y’all ready to have some fun?” A chorus of yeses rang out and she laughed. “Come on then.”
First stop was at the registration desk, where they signed in. They all got name tags, slipped between the plastic sheets of a badge. The badges were just flimsy, cheap, throwaway things, but the kids puffed up with pride when they pinned them on.
A tall blonde woman came down the hall to meet them. “Hi, everyone. I’m Susan. I’m going to be showing you around the lab today.”
As they followed her down the hall, one of the girls slipped her hand into Tiana’s. “There isn’t going to be real blood, is there?”
“No, honey. There won’t be.”
One of the boys turned. “How can you be a doctor if you’re afraid of blood, Diane?”
“No down talking,” Henry said firmly.
“It’s okay. I was afraid of blood when I started nursing school,” Tiana said. She leaned down to whisper in Diane’s ear. “And vomit.”
The girl giggled. “Ew. Me too.”
“All right,” Susan announced as they reached the lab. “We’re going to take a tour of the whole lab. I’ll talk a little about each of the mannequins and what we can do with them. After that, if you are interested in any particular one, we can help you do actual procedures.”
The lab really was an amazing place. You could draw blood. Learn to intubate. Even deliver a baby, but she supposed that would be a bit much for the kids. She trailed along behind the group, remembering her first days in a similar lab while in nursing school. She’d been so afraid. Every test, every skill check-off day, every clinical day was another chance at failure.
Looking around now, she sighed. Why had she been so afraid of failure? She knew she was smart enough. She knew she was determined enough. Diane fell back and took her hand again. She smiled down at her and it clicked. Lily. The fear had been for Lily’s future, not hers. Because deep down, she’d known she could do it. Just like deep down, she knew that... No. Stop it. Doesn’t matter what’s deep down. He’s gone.
She cleared her throat. “Are you having fun?”
“Yes. Do you think I can really be a nurse when I grow up?”
“I think if you want to be a nurse, you will be a nurse. Come on, let’s catch up with the others.”
As they walked toward the little crowd, Diane pointed at one of the mannequins. “That’s for having a baby, right?”
“Yes, it is.”
“I saw a baby be born. My sister.”
Tiana stopped walking. “You did? How’d that happen?”
“My daddy had the car. My mom was at the neighbor’s trying to borrow theirs when she just laid down on the floor and said it was coming.”
“That must have been scary.” Tiana put her hand on the girl’s shoulder.
“It was, but it was also kind of neat. I was on the phone with the 911 people and they told me what to do. I dried the baby off and put her on my mom’s chest and kept her warm until the ambulance got there.”
“Wow. You’re a hero! A superhero!”
Diane blushed. “Maybe. But later, I heard my momma talking to our neighbor and they said this happens a lot. We are so far away from the hospital. They said last year, a woman had her baby on the side of the road.”
A frown crossed Tiana’s face. “That’s horrible. There isn’t any place closer women can have their babies?”
“No, ma’am. We’re pretty much equal distance from Hilton Head and Hardeeville. That’s it. When you came to school that first time and talked about being a nurse, I thought...”
She looked down at her shoes and her fingers played with the hem of her shirt. Tiana put both her hands on Diane’s shoulders and turned the girl to face her. “You thought what? You can tell me.”
“Well, I thought that when my baby sister was born, it was a special kind of nurse who was there, not a doctor. And maybe, what if I could be that kind of nurse and I could help?”
“That’s an amazing idea,” Tiana said. Diane looked up at her with a smile. “You’re right. That is what is called a nurse-midwife and they can deliver babies. I think you’d make an excellent one.”
“You do?”
“Yes. Most kids your age would have been too scared to help your sister like you did. But someone needed help and you did it. That’s what nurses do. It’s who we are.”
She stood and took Diane’s hand. “Come on, we’re going to miss all the fun stuff.”
As they caught up with the group, she stayed with Diane. Giving her a little more in-depth description of the simulations they were being shown, she began to really enjoy it. They got to learn how to feel for a vein and draw blood. They got to practice giving saline shots to oranges. They tried to do chest compressions. Tiana and the tour leader, Susan, did a round so they could see how it really looked, which was not the stuff they’d seen on television.
“Have you done that in real li
fe, Ms. Tiana?” Diane asked.
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“And they were okay?”
Tiana looked up at Susan and over to Henry. He gave a little shrug. Putting her hand on Diane’s shoulder, she shook her head. “Not all the time. Sometimes, no matter how much you try, some people die.”
She hated that she’d asked the question but couldn’t lie to her. She only hoped it didn’t scare her away from her dream. Diane frowned and looked around. She looked up at Tiana. “That’s why all this is here, right? So we get smarter and better and less people die, right?”
“Exactly!”
They wrapped up the tour with a question-and-answer session. Susan touched Tiana on the arm as they left the room. “If you have a minute, I’d like to talk to you.”
“Of course. Just let me walk them to the door and say goodbye.”
Susan was waiting when she got back. “Have you ever considered teaching?”
Tiana felt her mouth drop open. “Teaching? No. I’m a nurse.”
“No, I mean becoming a nurse educator. You were amazing with that girl. I was watching you. I think you’d be an excellent nursing instructor.”
Tiana laughed. “Sorry. Really. I’m too fresh out of nursing school for me to think I’m half as smart as the women who taught me.”
Susan smiled. “Maybe not now. But keep it in mind. The hospital has scholarships for employees. Tuition reimbursements. Online classes.”
“Tempting. I will keep it in mind. I love the floor, but can’t imagine me running around the ER at fifty or sixty.”
They shook hands. “Thanks for bringing the kids out. They were really fun.”
“Yeah, they’re a great group.”
As she left and began the hike to her assigned parking spot, she thought about what Susan had said. She loved that Diane had confided in her. She loved the look in her eyes when she told her a little bit more about the procedures. But teach full-time? Encouraging a twelve-year-old was one thing. Running herd over a group of stressed-out, high-strung nursing students? Nope.
The Littlest Boss Page 19
