My father returned to the States before finishing research for his book because of the excitement generated by an article he had written for The New York Times Magazine about the Cuban revolution. The article provoked interest from publishers who wanted to buy my father’s book before its completion; he was to meet with the editors who had made offers. Meanwhile, Esquire had commissioned another piece that was due on the stands around July 4th, and some sort of primitive early media tour developed, mostly on radio.
Francisco was scheduled to do a radio call-in show in Tampa on July 2nd. He was to do two such programs in Miami on the 1st. More radio programs were set up in New York for later in the month. There was also talk of an appearance on the Dave Garroway show. I suspect, but don’t know, that Dad’s media appearances were encouraged by the Cuban government, which was desperate to counteract the mounting anti-Castro propaganda emanating from the White House. (Building support for the coming Bay of Pigs invasion, of course.) In any event, whether my father was or was not directly encouraged by Fidel’s government, the anti-Castro community in Miami, New York, and New Jersey had decided he was. There were threats both by anonymous letters to the Times and crank calls to the radio stations in Miami.
I should pause here to note that many people have strong feelings about politics and are made uneasy when they cannot identify someone’s ideological bias. In case you are experiencing strong reactions to my parents’ activities and opinions, or to Uncle Bernie’s equally convinced behavior and ideas, and wonder where I stand, I must confess that I do not have an answer to satisfy you. I have known many brilliant people and read many more. Certainly I was lectured by experts. I grew up surrounded by dogma: political, philosophical, and scientific. What I can say with conviction is that no one is stronger than, or independent of, the people and things that surround him. Ideas are objective, but their truth is not the glue that makes them stick to us.
Nevertheless, I recognize there are times in history when one must choose one side or the other, when there is no room for doubt. In the summer of 1960 I had no doubts. I was eight years old. My father and mother told me that Fidel Castro was a great man and I believed them. They said that the United States was an imperialist country responsible for the degradation of the Cuban people, that our government had supported a cruel dictator (Batista) in order for American corporations, such as the United Fruit Company, ITT, and the like, to make huge profits and I believed them, just as millions of American children believed their parents when they were informed that anyone who called himself a Communist was evil and that Fidel was an absurd, strutting madman. My parents instructed me that anyone who said the Cuban revolution was bad, including the President of the United States, was wrong and I believed them. At eight, those were my politics.
However, at eight I was not passionate about politics. I was passionate about the New York Yankees. Unfortunately, even that commitment wasn’t free of ideological scrutiny. My grandfather Pepín was a Dodger fan and a Yankee hater. I didn’t understand the reason why until years later when I learned the sociology of baseball for his generation. The working class rooted for the Dodgers and Giants (or the Sox or the Indians) while the middle and upper classes were Yankee fans. What I saw as virtues about the Yankees, namely their wealth of talent and consistent success, made them symbols of privilege to Grandpa Pepín. Sure, they won more games than anybody else, he conceded, but they had bought their championships, not earned them. Besides, they were a racist franchise, unwilling to use “the colored ballplayers.” I didn’t argue with the old man. After all, the reason I became a Yankee fan wasn’t so high-falutin: in 1960 they were the only baseball team in New York City.
Anyway, Grandmother Jacinta didn’t allow Pepín to bother me about my team for very long. If Grandpa berated me for more than a sentence or two, she would mumble at him in rapid Spanish, too fast for me to understand. I heard the word “chico,” indicating me, and I saw the dismissive wave of her hand, which meant he was to shut up, an order that—to my surprise—Grandpa obeyed. Standing beside his small wife, made smaller by her hunched back, Pepín looked able to step on her, but she ruled him and everyone in her house without contradiction or even fear of it.
This dictatorship was to my liking: Grandma seemed to think I could do no wrong and that everyone else was too hard on me. She was fiercely demanding of the others in her family (and their friends, too) but all she required of me was that I eat the delicious food she cooked. Even that demand was flexible: if I didn’t like what she cooked, she would make something else. Freud, in one of his rare optimistic moods, wrote that “happiness is a childhood wish fulfilled.” Grandma Jacinta managed to fulfill many of mine while I was still a child. In that respect she fit the only generalized description one can make of good parenting.
My mother and I arrived in Tampa midday on July 1st. That evening we listened to my father on a Miami radio station whose signal was powerful enough to be heard in Tampa. He sounded happy and smart. I moved close to the speaker of my grandparents’ old-fashioned receiver and felt his voice resonate in me. The house was full of relatives and friends. They mumbled their agreement with my father’s arguments; they talked aloud their approval the way the parishioners of Martin Luther King Jr.’s church amened and called out, “Teach it, Martin,” as he sermonized.
[Remember, these Latins were not the exiles who now dominate the Cuban-American community. These 1960 Tampa Latins were not middle- and upper-class refugees from the terrors of socialism, or fleeing officials and officers of Batistas government and army, but the children of poor 19th century immigrants. Their parents had fled the inequities of Spain’s monarchy. They had been wounded by Franco’s defeat of Republican Spain and had to bear the ongoing heartbreak of his facism. In the United States—their adopted country, Franco’s ally and Fidel’s enemy—they were regarded as only slightly more respectable versions of niggers. These Cuban-Americans believed that Castro’s army consisted of people like themselves, oppressed workers and peasants, whose only motive was to rescue their beautiful ancestral island from its status as the premier whorehouse of the American rich and a lucrative gambling franchise of the Mafia. To understand the passion of their loyalty to Fidel’s Cuba—or blindness, if you prefer—think of how the American Irish of that generation felt about the IRA, or, better still, think of how immigrant American Jews felt about Israel.]
The radio show host took phone calls from his listening audience. Two of them had to be cut off because the Spanish-accented voices were obscene and belligerent toward my father, insisting he was a Commie and he should go back to Russia where he belonged. I was slightly confused by my father’s and the radio show host’s reaction to this accusation. They seemed amused by the notion that my father was a Communist. Francisco did not really contradict the host when he said in a fatuous tone, “Well, I think most of us understand that Mr. Neruda is a journalist and that when he reports for such newspapers as the New York Times or magazines like Esquire he is trying to give an objective account of what he’s seen and heard. Telling what you saw doesn’t make you a Communist. Isn’t that right, Mr. Neruda?”
“I don’t really believe anyone can be truly objective about anything,” my father said in a soothing tone. “But, yes, what I wrote for the Times Magazine, the strides being made in health and education, the closing of the casinos, the elimination of prostitution, can all be confirmed, and have been reported by news organizations throughout the world, whatever their editorial position on the revolution is.”
But my father was a communist. Why didn’t he say so? I wondered. Not strenuously; I understood that he wanted those mistaken Americans to pay attention to the facts about Cuba and not fall back on their automatic rejection of an ideological label. I understood that and yet I didn’t really understand all of the denial. Several of my relatives complained about the callers who accused my father of being a Communist. Grandpa said it was disgraceful. An aunt said it was, “Red baiting.” I asked what that meant. I listen
ed to the answers without protest, but I didn’t agree: if my father was a communist why should the accusation be disgraceful or unfair? (Of course, I did not understand the distinction between Communist and communist.)
This disquieting moment passed quickly. My father charmed all of them, including the angry callers. He told funny and credible anecdotes about how the Cuban peasants took control of their lives; trying to repair the harm done by years of economic inequity the results were sometimes not brilliant, but always sincere. Maybe Francisco was wrong to dodge the accusations that he was a communist, but he knew how to win over an audience and make his points. Eventually I fell asleep on the rug right next to the speaker: I heard my Daddy in my head and pictured how he would smile at me as I lost consciousness.
The next morning, while I finished a second helping of pancakes and my Grandpa Pepín finished a second cup of espresso, Grandpa said, “You don’t want to go pick up your Daddy at the airport, right?”
Grandma Jacinta agreed that I didn’t. “He wants to watch the ball game,” she said.
My mother seemed surprised. “You don’t want to come to the airport?”
“I do,” I said. In fact no one had asked me. When my grandparents wanted me to feel a certain way, they simply ascribed their desires to me and then graciously agreed to accommodate themselves.
“That’s nice,” Jacinta said. “But your Daddy will come here. Right from the airport. You won’t miss him.”
Pepín said, “Your Yankees are on The Game of the Week. You don’t want to miss them.”
“I’ll make you biftec palomillo and plátanos” Grandma said. “Oh!” she cried and went to her refrigerator. We were eating at a round yellow Formica table in the kitchen. She never sat down, however. She was continually on her feet, feeding herself from a plate on the counter while she brewed more espresso or grilled another pancake. This time she hunched over, peering into the refrigerator; she did something inside it, probably testing the firmness of her vanilla pudding with the tip of her pinky. “Yes. The natilla is almost ready. You can have natilla for dessert.”
“But not the biftec for lunch. I’ll go get you a Cuban sandwich,” Grandpa said eagerly to me as if the problem of keeping me at home was that Jacinta’s bribes of food weren’t sufficiently tantalizing. “You like the Cuban sandwich—they press it flat.” He held an invisible iron in his hand and ran it over something. “You like the Cuban sandwich, right Mickey Mantle?”
“No, no. He wants the biftec palomillo.” Grandma had moved beside me. She stroked my forehead, lifting up my bangs. The palm of her hand felt cool. “The Cuban sandwich is so greasy.”
“I’m going to get some, woman!” Pepín stood up and waved his arm. “Frankie is going to be hungry from the plane and he loves the Cuban sandwich.”
Of course it was my grandfather who truly adored the Cuban sandwich. This delicacy consisted of nothing extraordinary to my boy’s palate, merely glazed ham, a slice of fresh pork, cheese, and sliced pickles in a light Cuban bread that was then flattened and heated by the final step in its creation: smashing it in a hot press.
“If Rafael wants to come, he can come. His Daddy’ll be thrilled to see him waiting at the airport.” That was my mother talking. She wasn’t eating and she had refused a second cup of espresso. She smoked a Marlboro with the openly indulgent pleasure that people used to display before cigarettes became a symbol of moral turpitude and death. Above her head, illuminated by the bright Florida sun beaming through a window over the sink, the smoke swirled into a brilliant yellow cloud.
Grandpa appeared in the cloud. He leaned over and whispered in my mother’s ear.
“Shh, shh …” Jacinta created white noise to cover Pepín’s talk with a mischievous smile. She made no attempt to disguise her desire to keep their conversation a secret from me. She also moved to block my sight of Mom and Grandpa.
“Oh,” I heard my mother say loudly over Grandma’s sound barrier. There was dismay in her tone. “You think so?” she added with a tremble in her voice.
“I don’t wanna go,” I called out, to interrupt their heavy-handed conspiracy to keep me at home. I was sensitive to their feelings, although I didn’t understand what worried them. I still don’t know for certain why they didn’t want me to go to the airport; presumably, they thought there was danger because of the crank calls to the Miami radio stations. “I wanna watch the game,” I said, which after all was partly true. I had never managed to last for an entire nine innings, but I liked to try.
“I told you,” Grandmother said. She resumed lifting my bangs off my forehead, soothing me with the cool compress of her approval.
Mom and Pepín left early to go to the airport. In fact they departed before my father’s plane took off in Miami. This was a tradition of the Neruda family—always at the airport two hours ahead of time.
The Game of the Week wasn’t due to begin for another hour. I took a pink rubber ball and my baseball glove outside. Pepín and Jacinta’s home was a two-bedroom one-story clapboard house with a patch of lawn stretching no more than seven or eight feet forward and hardly any wider than the structure. Only a child would consider it a lawn at all. Their street had duplicates of my grandparents’ house up and down the block. It was paved, of course, and they were off a busy avenue, but there was hardly any traffic. Therefore I was allowed—not without many warnings—to stand in the middle of the street and throw my rubber ball against the three concrete steps leading up to their porch.
This was another example of my grandmother’s indulgence of me. She kept precise and immaculate care of her house. Nothing was allowed to be soiled for more than an hour. Dishes were done immediately. Dirty clothing was washed by hand daily and hung on the line in the backyard—a space no more generous than the front. Her kitchen floors were swept after every meal or any invasion in force. They were mopped at least once a day and waxed once a week. The living room, which had a green carpet, was vacuumed every day although it was used only when company came over. And the company mostly stayed outside on the wraparound porch, furnished with many wicker chairs and rockers. (The porch was the true social room of the house, overflowing during the humid nights with friends, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews.) It would be difficult to overstate my grandmother’s obsession with cleanliness and order. For her to allow me to throw a ball at the front of her masterpiece, when a mistake might tear the screen door or break either her bedroom or living room windows, when relatively accurate throws might hit the front edge of the porch floorboards and smudge or chip its gray paint, was a remarkable act of generosity.
I doubt I appreciated it at the time. But I enjoyed my game. Pitching the ball against the steps helped relieve the tedium of having to spend so much time without a playmate my own age. Although a cousin only a year older than I lived nearby, he attended a day camp or had other activities (Little League and Boy Scouts on the weekend, for example) and thus I had to amuse myself.
The previous summer I had invented a solitary version of stoop ball, a city game. In New York, my friends and I stood beside the street curb and threw a rubber ball against its edge hoping the ricochet would send the ball beyond an opponent attempting to catch it. Landmarks were chosen to establish whether the thrower had hit a single, double, triple, or home run. Being alone I couldn’t play that game, but the three steps to my grandparents’ house suggested something else. I stood in the middle of the street and aimed at them. If I hit the flat of the steps, producing a dribbling grounder, I considered that a called strike. If I missed the steps altogether, I considered it a ball. If I hit the edge of the step, which resulted in hard grounders, line drives, or fly balls, I considered that the hitter had put the pitch in play. I would try to field these “hits.”
That day I decided to turn this game into a full-fledged World Series. I got the idea as I emerged from the shadow of the porch and felt the insistent Florida sun on my face. I sneezed at the pinching scent of the flowering bushes Grandpa had planted around the edges of
the house. The aftermath of the sneeze seemed to inspire the notion: I would enact the Yankees against the Dodgers in the World Series. I would assume the roles of both Whitey Ford and Sandy Koufax. Never mind that they were lefties and I threw right-handed. I was thrilled. I felt sure that whatever happened with my rubber ball and the steps would be an accurate prediction of the coming 1960 finale.
In fact, the game I had invented was hard work. I had to throw hard to make the ball rebound with force. And since the steps were a small target, the combination of throwing hard with the need for accuracy made it a tough couple of innings for Whitey Ford and Sandy Koufax. Within minutes my shirt was soaked through, a sheet of water, flopping away from my skin as I ran for the ball, then sticking back onto me with a clammy slap that made me shiver. I got light-headed, probably from dehydration, and that made me stubborn. I didn’t want to give up. The score was Yankees 4, Dodgers 3, and it was in the third or fourth inning. I had a long way to go and already I was so tired I could hardly keep track of the hitters or the count.
Whitey Ford was facing a bases-loaded situation. I revved up and threw with all my exhausted might. I heard the unmistakable—and satisfying—resonant sound of the rubber ball hitting the edge of the step squarely. It produced a powerful drive, a deep fly ball over my head, well beyond the curb to the house across the street, sure to reach its small lawn, a hit that, if it landed safely, would count as a grand-slam home run for the Dodgers and give them a formidable seven-to-four lead.
I got a great jump on the ball because I had become so attuned to the sound it made on the steps. I ran sideways, watching it over my shoulder. The ball soared in the air, into that endless tropical blue sky, a sky so high it seemed to whiten out at its peak from proximity to the sun. Up there the ball appeared to float, hardly moving. I felt I had all the time in the world to catch up to it. Nothing existed but its flight and my pursuit. What a happy moment of absolute concentration! That is the immortality of athletics: in its sensual freedom there is no ego and no death.
Dr. Neruda's Cure for Evil Page 4
