by Sarah Hope
I can’t take it all in. My husband has left me. Has he really? He said he was. He said he didn’t love me anymore. Am I really such an appalling person that he can’t live with me anymore? Can’t even stand to be close to me? I must be. He’s right; I have put him under a lot of pressure. I am constantly worrying about Mum or begging him to agree to us having a third child. What have I done? I’ve ruined one of the best things in my life.
What about Mandy and Charlie? Mandy is such a Daddy’s girl. Always has been. Ever since she was a small girl she always went to Ste before me when she was upset or hurt. Yes, their relationship has taken a few knocks since she turned into a moody teenager. Ste hasn’t understood all the hormonal changes she’s has been going through and I think secretly he just found it difficult to adjust to his new role. Being a dad to a young woman who is trying to build her own life and craves independence rather than the hands on, overtly needed dad he was used to being.
I can’t imagine what this will do to her. She’s at such a sensitive age when she really needs her home life to be stable and secure. And what will it do to their relationship? Will she resent him for leaving or will she forgive him?
Charlie I think will be okay. He’s such a live wire who takes everything in his stride. At six I don’t even know if he will truly understand the impact it will have on his life. Do I even tell them their dad’s left? Or do I hope he’ll return soon and so just tell them he’s gone away for a bit? Ste seemed quite adamant he was leaving for good.
Oh, I don’t know. How can I? I don’t understand this myself. It’s all happened so quickly and come out of the blue. There were no warning signs. Or was there and I just missed them? No, there wasn’t. I’m sure of it. If there had of been maybe I could’ve done something, made things better. It’s all my fault.
Suddenly I get that funny feeling you get when someone’s watching you, so I roughly wipe my tears away with the back of my hand and look up.
And sure enough it’s the nosey, old bag from across the street again. All she seems to do is spy on people through her window. She’s such a net curtain twitcher.
‘What are you looking at?!’ I stand and shrug at her to which she responds by dropping her nets back into place and pretending to look busy dusting or cleaning or something.
After a hurried dinner of chips, beans and chicken nuggets I entice Charlie to sit still for two minutes with a bribe of ice cream.
‘Charlie, I need to talk to you.’ How do I tell a six year his dad has left us? I’ve spent all day thinking this through. Going over and over in my head what I should say. If anything. I’ve also spent all day trying to ring Ste, to beg him to come back, but have only got his voicemail and as yet no return call.
‘Umm...’ Charlie mumbles through a mouthful of ice cream.
‘It’s about Daddy.’
‘Is Daddy still at work? Will he come on my Xbox with me when he gets back? I want to show him how good I’ve gotten with my racing game.’ Bless him, he looks around for his dad.
‘No, he’s not coming home. He’s not going to live with us at the moment.’ This is breaking my heart. How dare Ste take the cowards way out and leave me to break the news?
‘Oh, where’s he going to live then?’
‘I don’t know sweetheart.’
‘Okay then, will he be allowed to get a dog at his new house?’
‘A dog?’
‘Yes, Daddy always says we’re not allowed one here, so if he’s moving we could have one there.’
‘Oh, well, I don’t know.’ Well that little white lie of Ste’s is about to come back to bite him. Quite deservedly so I’ll say.
‘It’d be cool if he did. Dylan’s dad went to live somewhere else away from him and he got a dog. Dylan got another bedroom at his dad’s too and a Playstation 4. Can I ask Daddy for a Playstation 4?’
‘Ask him what you want Charlie.’
And with that he jumps up from the kitchen table and races into the living room to start up his Xbox no doubt.
Looking around at the empty dishes needing to be put in the dishwasher, I realise I have no control over my life anymore. Retrieving a half empty bottle of wine from the fridge I slump into the chair Charlie’s just vacated.
It’s not until just after 9:30pm that Mandy decides to grace me with her presence even though she is more than aware that her curfew is at nine o’clock on a school night. Storming into the living room she throws herself on the sofa, immediately taking control of the remote and switching the television over.
I know I need to talk to her now about Ste leaving. I’ve told Charlie and I don’t want Mandy finding out through him. I could really do without this conversation right now. After finishing that half bottle of wine and almost draining another my heart has numbed a little and my tears have dried up.
Still, here goes, what has to be done, has to be done.
‘Mandy, I need to talk to you.’
‘Oh Mum, can’t it wait? I’m watching this. And before you go into one, yes, I know I’m late but I had to wait ‘til Kayleigh’s mum got back from her exercise class for a lift. You’d have soon moaned at me if I’d walked across town on my own.’
‘It’s not about you getting back late Mandy.’
‘Well what then? What are you going to have a go at me now for then?’ Pulling a cushion out from behind her she hugs it to her chest as if to shield herself from any upcoming argument. All the time her eyes are fixed steadily on the television.
‘It’s not about anything you’ve done, love. It’s about Dad.’
‘Dad? Why what’s he done? Where is he?’ she peers round the room, expecting to see him I guess.
‘He’s left me, Mandy. I’m so sorry.’ Oh no, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I meant to say something to soften the blow. Taking a deep breath I wait for it to sink in.
‘He’s left you? What do you mean?’
‘Just that. He’s packed his things and moved out.’
‘No, I don’t believe you.’ Jumping up Mandy throws her cushion on the chair and runs upstairs. ‘What kind of sick joke is this?’ she shouts over her shoulder.
Following her up I find her in our, my, bedroom throwing open drawers and rummaging through the wardrobes. After what seems to be ages of Mandy checking for Ste’s clothes and even going as far as looking in the ensuite to see if his toothbrush and razor has gone she storms over to me on the bed, her eyes glistening with tears. My poor baby girl.
‘Why has he left? What have you done?’ she demands, her voice low and quivering.
‘He says he doesn’t love me anymore.’ I can’t help it but my voice catches and I feel tears stinging the backs of my already sore eyes. ‘It’s nothing to do with you and Charlie. He still loves you both very, very much. He always will. He said he’ll be in touch real soon to see you both.’
‘What have you done to stop him loving you?’ the anger in her voice takes me by surprise. Why is she angry at me and not him?
‘I don’t know. He says we’ve drifted apart.’
‘You must have done something to make him want to leave. Did you chuck him out? Is that it? He wouldn’t have just left us like this; he would have spoken to us. You chucked him out didn’t you?’
‘No I didn’t love. I don’t know what went wrong. He didn’t really explain. It all came out of the blue. It was his decision. Not mine.’ Why is she taking it out on me? I sure didn’t see this coming. I thought she would be angry at him.
‘You must have done something. I hate you Mum. You’ve ruined this family,’ she spits out. And with that she storms out of the room, her bedroom door slamming shut a few seconds after.
Lying down on the sofa and curling myself up I begin to cry again. Maybe she’s right. Maybe it is all down to me. Maybe I really did drive him away.
Waking up, my eyes are dry and my throat sore from all the crying. My head feels heavy and fuzzy as I look over at the alarm clock sitting on the bedside cabinet. It reads 12:45am. I could
only have been asleep for an hour or so and yet I feel as though I’ve slept for days.
Listening to the noises in the house I pick up on the repetitive beat of one of Mandy’s mind numbing music tracks.
I force myself to get up and tiptoe past Charlie’s room to Mandy’s. Gently I tap on her bedroom door.
‘Mandy, Mandy love, please let me in,’ she’s taken to pulling her desk across the door when she wants privacy and sure enough when I try and open the door it’s stuck fast.
‘Go away. I don’t want to talk to you,’ her shout comes through the door muffled, but I can still tell that she’s been crying.
‘Please Mandy, let me in,’ I just want to take her in arms and give her a hug, make it all better like I used to be able to do when she was little.
She replies by turning the volume of her music up.
I go downstairs to make sure everything’s turned off and locked up. On my way back to bed I check in on Charlie, surprised that he’s not been woken by the commotion and music.
In bed I bring my knees up to my chest under the duvet still in the clothes I’ve worn all day. I don’t have the energy to get changed or to even clean my teeth. And I wait for morning to come.
Chapter Seven
Enid
Curled up in Albert’s strong arms I feel safe and the happiest I’ve ever been. I don’t even notice the grass scratching through my thick school tights or the group of children playing football right in front of us. It’s strange to think we’ve been meeting up like this for a couple of months now, ever since he became my knight in shining armour (yes I know how corny that sounds) after rescuing me from Father outside the pub.
Albert is so lovely and caring, it’s just a shame we have to meet up in secret like this, snatched minutes or hours, usually here in the park, not the most romantic of places but I guess at least we’re together and that’s all that matters. I certainly can’t let my father know we’re courting; he would definitely disapprove of the age gap, three, almost four years being between us. Plus the fact that I’m thinking about boys at all. In fact I think his main objection would be the simple fact that I’m happy. I can’t even tell Mum in case she accidently lets it slip to him during one of their rows.
Albert on the other hand would gladly tell his parents but we’ve got to think of Betty, as my best friend I’m not sure how she would feel with me seeing her big brother.
Albert tilts my head towards his and kisses me gently on the lips.
‘This is heaven on earth being here with you Enid,’ he whispers between my open lips.
‘I feel the same,’ I feel a blush creep up my neck and swamp my face.
‘Why don’t we just run away together? ‘
I laugh at Albert’s joke, looking up at him to see why he’s not joining in.
‘Don’t laugh Enid, I’m being serious.’
‘Yes okay then let’s just go. Where shall we head to? Paris?’ I humour him.
‘I mean it. We can’t carry on only having these snatched moments together. You can’t tell your father and I can’t very well tell Betty so what choice do we have?’
Goodness he’s serious; he’s crumpling up the skin on his forehead, just like he does when he tells me Mum should leave Father.
‘Why can’t we just carry on like this for a while? It’s kind of nice having this secret between us don’t you think?’
‘It’s all very well for now but it can never be the long term solution. I love you Enid. I want to spend my life with you. I know we’ve only just started courting but I feel it. I know it. You are the one for me.’
A warm rush of love travels through my body as I stare into Albert’s eyes knowing in an instant that he means it.
‘I do too Albert but running away is not the answer. You can’t do that to your family. You have a good family. You need to hold on to them. And besides there is no way I can leave my mum with my father the way he is. If I go he will probably end up killing her.’
He really hasn’t thought this through properly. It’s a lovely idea and if it wasn’t for Mum needing me I’d jump at the chance to start a new life. But it’s just not going to happen. Not when Mum’s life is at risk.
‘I understand. I really do. It’s just so frustrating because I just want to spend my life with you. I guess there’s conscription to think about too. But it’s a nice dream.’
‘Yes it is. I’m dreading you being called up to the army. Why can’t you get a job on the railway or at the water works or somewhere so you won’t be called up?’ Turning round in his arms to face him it’s my turn to make sure he knows I’m being serious. Every time I think about him being called up my stomach flips and I have to stop myself from crying.
‘No, it’s something I need to, want to do. I want to serve my country. Become a real man. There’s time to get a career afterwards.’
‘I really don’t want you going. You know what the war did to my father. He was never violent like he is now before he joined up. What if it changes you?’ Muttering weakly, I feel my eyes filling up with tears. I’ve only just found him. I don’t want to lose him now.
‘It won’t I promise. Plus the war has finished, I probably won’t even be posted to anywhere really dangerous. It’ll probably be one of the military bases in Cyprus or Singapore or somewhere.’
‘But what if you’re sent to hold down the Suex Canal or somewhere? What if something happens to you?’ I can’t stop the tears overflowing and sliding down my cheeks. Albert gently wipes the tears away with the pads of his thumbs as he takes my face in his hands. As I take a steadying breath and open my mouth to try and persuade him to become a conscientious objector he places his index finger to my lips to shush me.
‘It won’t. Stop worrying I’m tougher than I look I am. Anyway let’s stop talking like this and focus on the great future we’re going to have together.’ Kissing me he rolls me over onto my back and laughs at me. ‘You’re such a worrier, you are Enid. When I get back from conscription I’m going to sweep you off your feet and we’ll go and live somewhere far away from here, Yorkshire perhaps or maybe we could go to the Cotswolds. I went on a family outing their once and the scenery is beautiful. Yes, we’ll go and set up home in the Cotswolds, your mum can come too if you like. I’ll get a job, I’ll do an apprenticeship and get a good career under my belt and you can mother my children.’
Laughing I vow to hold on to that idyllic picture once he’s gone. I quickly work out that his eighteenth birthday is in a couple of weeks and then he’ll be called for his medical. It will only be a few weeks until he’s summoned. I promise myself I will look on the positive side and think that the sooner it happens the sooner we can carry on with our own lives. I smile thinking of all our future children running around.
Albert leaves me at the top of my road and as I head home I let the knowledge of his love envelope me as it always does after one of our meetings. I’m running a little late for dinner but I’ll tell Mum I was at Betty’s house discussing school work. It’s not a Friday so I know my father won’t have been drinking so at least spending an evening in the house with him should be just about bearable.
At our garden gate I smooth my hair down and straighten my skirt. Pushing it open I walk down the path and begin to turn the door handle. Listening carefully through pure habit, I can hear nothing, absolute silence, which is strange because my father normally has the wireless on at this time. Never mind, maybe he’s fallen asleep and Mum’s turned it off.
Walking in I notice the atmosphere in the kitchen is stifling. My parents are sat opposite each other at the kitchen table. Mum’s eyes are ringed by the tell-tale redness of tears and my father’s sitting in stony silence, eyes bearing down on her. What could have happened?
As soon as I close the door behind me Father shoots me a deadly look making shivers run down my spine. Oh no, what have I done to displease him now? There’s no way he could know about Albert but I don’t know what else I could have done wrong.
�
��Where have you been?’ he barks at me.
‘At Ol...’
‘No don’t even answer that. You’ll only spurn more lies,’ he cuts across my answer.
‘You’ve been with that Albert lad haven’t you?’
The blood runs out of my face and my knees weaken under my weight. How does he know? We’ve been so careful. He can’t possibly know about us.
‘I said ‘You’ve been with that Albert lad, haven’t you?’’
‘I...I...’ Stuttering I’m unsure whether to lie or to tell the truth. How could he possibly know?
‘You’ve brought shame on this family. You’re the talk of the factory. How do you think that makes me look? Being the last person to know that my daughter is courting and playing around? At your age?’ he bellows, bringing his raised fists hard down onto the table, sending his used cutlery precariously close to the edge.
I duck with a split second to spare as his empty dinner plate hurtles past my right ear, smashing on the door behind me.
‘No, please don’t Bill. I was Enid’s age when we first started courting,’ Mum runs around the table and places herself between me and my father as he approaches me.
‘I was only a year older than you. This Albert lad is almost four years older than Enid. And anyway look where it got us.’ Glaring distastefully at Mum he shoves her out of his way, causing her to stumble against the kitchen cupboard.
‘You have disappointed me. And to think you had the nerve to barge your way into the pub the other week and preach morals at me. You have some nerve. You are not to see him again, do you hear me? He’ll be conscripted soon and hopefully he’ll go missing in action.’
As he spits these last words at me I take a deep breath, physically shaken by his evil wishes.
He towers over me, the smell of stale beer on his breath engulfing me. He must have left work early to get this drunk
