by Sarah Hope
‘So how was bowling Charlie?’ following him into the kitchen I pour him a glass of orange juice and grab him a biscuit from the tin.
‘Okay,’ he takes the glass and places it carefully on the table in front of him.
‘So did you get any strikes?’
‘No.’
‘Never mind. We’ll have to start going bowling and then you can practice.’
‘Don’t really want to.’
‘What’s the matter Charlie? Have you and Jack had a falling out?’ He’s normally full of beans when he gets back from Jacks’ or has had Jack over to play. I bet they’ve fallen out over something silly. That would explain Bill’s odd behaviour.
‘Hey Charlie, are you going to tell me? I’m sure we can give Jack a call and sort it out. You’ll be friends again in no time,’ I give him another cuddle, which this time although he tolerates and doesn’t pull away he still gives me the silent treatment.
‘Right then, shall we put a film on tonight, maybe get some popcorn and coke?’
I go to grab the car keys from the work surface near the kettle and head towards the door expecting Charlie to follow. Realising he’s not behind me I go back into the kitchen to see him still slumped at the table.
‘Mum,’ he says in an almost whisper, ‘Why didn’t Dad answer me?’
What? When did he ring Ste?
‘What do mean love? When did you ring him?’
‘Didn’t. I saw him down town, outside McDonalds. He was over the other side of the road and he didn’t answer me.’
‘He probably didn’t see you darling,’ That’s strange, Ste doesn’t like shopping.
‘I shouted him.’
‘Ah, I’m sure he just didn’t hear you. You should’ve shouted louder, you normally do,’ I joke. Fantastic, he must realise all the grief he’s caused me to venture into town. Oh no what if he doesn’t know how to apologise? Maybe he’s scared what I’ll say to him. I’ll give him a call later. After all he must be pretty embarrassed plus he’ll be worried about Mandy in particular, the reception she’ll give him when he returns home. I knew he’d be back.
‘He did hear me. I shouted real loud and he looked at me,’ Charlie’s quiet, solemn voice makes me look at him seriously and brings my mind back to the moment.
‘What do you mean he looked at you? Are you sure he saw it was you?’ Sitting down next to him I rub his arm.
‘Yes he did because he whispered to the lady.’
‘The lady? What lady? Was it Aunty Jill?’ Wow he’s really making an effort, taking his sister Jill with him to get a woman’s perspective. It must be jewellery. I bet he’s brought me jewellery. And to rush about on his break too. He never used to take any breaks.
‘No, not Aunty Jill. I don’t know who it was but he did see me. And why was he holding her hand? They weren’t crossing the road. He didn’t come over and hold my hand when he saw me crossing the road and he should have shouldn’t he?’
My heart skips a beat and I feel the blood draining from my face. Holding her hand? Who was it he was with and why the hell was he holding her hand?
‘What did this lady look like Charlie?’ My voice comes out as a squeak.
‘I don’t know, she had yellow hair and a pink coat. Can we go get some popcorn now please?’
After telling Charlie I needed to go to the toilet before going to the shop I lock myself in the downstairs cloakroom, sit on the toilet lid and press the heels of my hands onto my eyes.
What is going on? Who was Ste with and why? And why would he be holding her bloody hand? And most importantly why didn’t he answer Charlie or even go over and speak to him properly? He’s not seen him or Mandy since he left. My head is pounding with all the unanswered questions and unthinkable scenarios running through my head.
From the other side of the door I hear the key turn in the lock and quickly dismiss the optimistic bubble of excitement that might be Ste, after what Charlie has said I realise this is very unlikely. Less than a second later it dawns on me it must be Mandy. I don’t want Mandy to find out that her dad ignored Charlie, it would break her heart. Jumping up I swing open the door and rush to the kitchen only to realise I am too late. Charlie is already telling Mandy about his encounter with his dad.
‘So how was your day Mandy?’ I interrupt Charlie’s flow.
‘Why would he do that Mandy? I want Daddy back.’
‘I’m sure it was all a big misunderstanding, don’t you think Mandy? He probably just didn’t see Charlie.’
‘Yeah right, just like he hasn’t seen my name flash up on his screen when I try and ring him,’ Mandy barks back at me.
‘What? You’ve rang him? When? You never said anything?’
‘What was there to say? He’s not answered me at all even though I’ve tried at different times of the day. I’ve tried every day but I won’t be bothering now. Not when he clearly doesn’t want anything to do with us.’ She dips her head to let her dark hair fall across her face but I manage to catch her eye as she roughly wipes the tears away from her cheek before stomping out of the house again.
‘Mandy where are you going?’ Too late she’s already slammed the door.
Right that’s it, I’m not taking this lying down anymore. How dare he go prancing round town with another woman? How dare he have the audacity to hold her hand in broad daylight? How dare he replace me so quickly? And to let Charlie see. To let his young, innocent child see him all over another woman and to ignore him.
That’s it. Feeling a little tremor inside me I feel sick at the thought of him with another woman and I realise this situation can go either way. I can either shut myself away to cry and give up or I can tell him what I think of his appalling behaviour towards the kids. His children. Looking at Charlie still scrunched up at the table with his untouched juice and biscuit an immense rush of love hits me followed immediately by an unbelievable anger that anyone could treat my little boy like this and I know instinctively what I must do.
Five minutes later I am sat in the car driving to Ste’s hospital after having dropped Charlie off at Rachel’s.
I don’t remember much of the journey but by the time I arrive at the hospital half an hour later the fury inside me is still burning just as strong. Swinging into the car park I don’t waste my time looking for a ticket machine, let them try and book me. I enter the building and follow the signs to paediatrics.
By the time I get to his ward I can feel my whole body shaking with adrenalin. There’s no sign of him so I approach the nurse’s station.
‘Can I help you?’ I am met by a nurse who smiles at me kindly.
‘I’m looking for Dr Andrews.’
‘Can I ask who is looking for him?’
‘Yes. His wife,’ as soon as I utter the word ‘wife’ a crimson blush creeps swiftly up her neck to her face and out of the corner of my eye I catch the nurse beside her sniggering.
‘He...he’s in his office,’ stuttering she points in the direction of the offices at the rear of the ward.
Right, that’s it, he’s really going to get what’s coming to him now. The gossip is obviously rife around the ward. Goodness knows the blushing bimbo might even be the woman he’s shagging. Half marching and half running down the ward to his office the anger inside me builds until I can hardly see what’s in front of me. I can almost feel the world collapsing in on me and all I can focus on is the office door a bare few feet in front of me.
‘Sorry,’ I mumble to the poor soul I’ve almost collided with in my haste, not even taking my gaze off of where I’m heading,
After rapping twice on the door I let myself in. Ste is sat behind his large, tidy, oak desk huddled over some papers, patients’ records I guess. His neck snaps up so quickly when I walk in I almost ask if he’s pulled a muscle and half wish he’d broken the ruddy thing.
‘Lynette, what...what are you doing here?’
‘How dare you? How dare you ignore Charlie in town? How dare you ignore Mandy’s calls? How dare you re
place me so quickly? How dare you...?’ …breathe is what I want to say. How dare you breathe and even exist. Carrying on with life as normal, as if nothing has happened? As if you haven’t just pulled the rug from beneath me and broken mine and our children’s lives and hearts in two? This is what I want to say but am interrupted by a doctor entering holding an x-ray.
‘Oh sorry, am I interrupting something?’
‘No not at all. Lynette was just leaving.’
His cold voice slices through me and in my head I know it is probably best if I do leave. Probably best I don’t create a scene for him. Or me for that matter but I can’t stop now. There are things I have come to say to him and I will say them.
‘Actually yes, you are interrupting. Please give us a few moments.’ Swiftly I hold the door open for him and he stumbles out embarrassed.
‘I... well...I didn’t see him,’ looking down he shuffles his papers.
‘Don’t give me that you spineless coward. You know full well you saw him.’
‘Look, you don’t understand.’
‘Full well I don’t bloody understand. Your side of the bed is barely cold and you’re caught prancing around town with a blonde bimbo. How do you think that makes me feel? How long’s it been going on? How long have you been seeing her?’
Silence. Absolute silence.
‘Well? Are you going to answer me?’
‘Look, you’ve got to understand. It’s not that I intentionally ignored Charlie. It’s just...well complicated.’
‘Complicated? Too right it’s bloody complicated. What’s not complicated about leaving your wife and kids? But just because we’re separated it doesn’t mean you don’t have kids anymore. It doesn’t mean the last fifteen or so years have been wiped away and never happened. I don’t mean to burst your bubble but you still have kids. They’ve been hurt by you leaving and you’ve not even had the good sense to come and visit them. You can’t just ignore them Ste. It’s not fair on them. You can’t treat them like this. They don’t deserve it.’
Still he insists on shuffling his papers and looking disinterested. All this does is fuel my anger even more and my body starts to shake with the strain of not lashing out at him. Walking over to his desk I lean down and look him straight in the eye.
‘Stop ignoring me Ste. I’m not one of your annoying students you can just scare and get rid of. I’m still your wife and I’ll always be the mother of your children. You owe me, and them, to listen to me.’
‘Look, I’m sorry Lynette. I’m sorry we broke up. Is that what you want to hear? If it is well...’
‘That is not what I want to hear. At this moment in time to be honest I couldn’t give a crap about me and you. What I do care about though are our children. We have a six year old boy who has been crying his eyes out since his callous creep of a father ignored him in town and who can’t work out why he would rather hold some strangers hand instead of his. We have a teenage daughter who is currently I don’t know where because her younger brother told her he caught her dad in town with another woman. A daughter who doesn’t understand why her father doesn’t answer her calls or texts. That’s what I care about and that’s why I’m so bloody angry at you. Sod the other woman. At this moment in time I couldn’t care less who or what you’re shagging but I do care about our kids and so should you.’
Breathless, I step back and fold my arms. I’ve said all I can. Now it’s his turn.
‘Don’t you come in here and make these absurd accusations at me Lynette. Of course I care about our children. It’s just been a difficult time for me.’
I can’t help myself but laugh out loud at this. I either laugh or cry and I certainly don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Again.
‘You may laugh Lynette but it has been difficult. Bloody difficult. You’ve got the kids around you remember.’
‘You are kidding me right? You want me to feel sorry for you? You were the one who decided to leave remember? I didn’t chuck you out. You left because you wanted to. You haven’t been in touch because you haven’t wanted to. You weren’t the one who had to break the news to the kids that their father had left them and that he’s not man enough to tell them himself. If you must know I’ve protected you, I’ve not said a bad word against you. Though I could have and maybe I should have. Mandy blames me you’ve left. She blames me. Not you. How do you think that makes me feel? To have my daughter hate me? She’s hardly spoken to me since you’ve left. It’s really affected her. She’s spending most of her time hidden away in her room. She’s at a really vulnerable age and she’s lost her dad. You’ve not seen her for three weeks, you’ve not even been answering her calls. Why would you do that to her? Why would you ignore her?’
‘I didn’t know what to say to her Lynette. I just assumed she wanted to have a go at me. I don’t need that. I don’t need to be told that what I’ve done is wrong. She’s too young to know what’s going on between us. She wouldn’t understand.’
‘Well that makes two of us. I don’t understand either. You told me you were leaving because I’ve been preoccupied. That you don’t love me anymore. And now you’ve been seen with another woman.’
‘You said you came here about the kids. Let’s talk about them, not us.’
You arsehole. It’s on the tip of my tongue. It takes all my self-restraint not to slap him. My head feels so muddled. All I want to do is to shout abuse at him and ask him if the blonde bimbo is the reason he left me. If he’s fallen out of love with me because he’s been shagging someone else for goodness knows how long. But I can’t. As soon as I said about the other woman I saw him physically recoil into himself and I know he will stop talking if I start accusing him.
Also I don’t think I can ask him because I don’t want to hear the answer. Not now. I don’t think I could cope with the answer. So I try to focus my mind on why I’ve come. To make him realise how the kids are being affected and to make sure he stops ignoring them and remembers he has responsibilities. I’ve got to focus on Mandy and Charlie. However I feel, they deserve to see their dad.
‘Fine. I think you need to wake up and see how your actions are affecting them. You need to face up to your responsibilities as a father. However you feel about me. They’re your kids and don’t deserve to be treated this way.’
‘Okay fine. I have Monday off. I’ll pop by and talk to them after school. Happy?’
Standing up he pushes back his chair and leaves the room with a handful of patient records under his arm.
Back in the car, reality hits me. He was cheating on me before he left. All that rubbish about things not having been right for ages. About me being preoccupied with Mum. It was all a cover up. He had the nerve to use Mum’s illness to walk out on our marriage. He blamed me and all along he was shagging that woman behind my back. He must have been. He’s not just fallen out of love with me. He’s fallen in love with someone else. There’s no way back. Our marriage is over. He’s not coming back.
Where is he staying? Has he moved in with her? How long have they been seeing each other? It could have been going on for weeks, months, years before he left. Why didn’t I realise? How could I not have realised? There must have been signs.
Someone beeps shaking me from my thoughts. It takes a while for me to realise it’s me they’re beeping at. Dazed I look around. Oh, he wants to know if I’m leaving, he wants my parking space. Rubbing my eyes I put the car into gear.
Chapter Nine
Enid
‘Enid, Enid love,’ Mum calls softly in my ear.
‘Mum?’ I can just about make out Mum’s silhouette in the dim morning light.
‘I’ve got your father to agree to let you go to school. But I’ve got to take you and pick you up.’
My heart skips a beat. I can go to school again. After a week of being cooped up in this house, spending most of that time in my bedroom trying to avoid Father, I can venture out again. I’ll be able to see Betty again. I can ask her to pass on messages to Albert. T
hat will be fantastic. It’s killing me not being able to see him.
‘Oh Mum thank you, that’s brilliant news.’
Leaving me to get ready I pull on my scratchy grey school skirt and starched blouse. I can’t help but smile to myself. I don’t even notice the pain still lingering in my back as I stretch to get my cardy from the top of the wardrobe.
Half an hour later I leave Mum at the school gate as I half run into class. Looking around, pleased to be here, I head towards my desk next to Betty’s.
‘That desk is taken.’
‘Don’t be silly Betty. This is my desk. What’s been going on? I feel I’ve missed so much. There must be loads of gossip to tell me.’ She always knows what’s been going on. She’s really good at keeping everyone informed of any happenings especially when they involve teachers. ‘Have you heard any more about Mr Chewy Tew’s love life?’
‘I said, that desk is taken. Go and find somewhere else to sit Enid.’
‘What’s the matter Betty? Why is my desk taken?’
‘I’m not talking to you Enid. Now run along and sit next to Chubby Claire or someone.’
‘Hey Betty. I’ve not seen you for over a week. Why aren’t you talking to me?’
‘Probably something to do with the fact that your father beat her brother up,’ I hear Pamela say as she lowers her satchel onto my desk and slips into the seat.
Recoiling I feel as though I’ve been physically slapped in the face. Father beat Albert up. Mum had assured me he hadn’t.
‘Is...is he alright? Betty, is he alright?’
‘He will be when he’s conscripted and gets away from you,’ looking ahead she fixes her eyes on an invisible spot on the wall above Mr Tews desk.
‘Please Betty, tell me he’s okay?’ Starting to panic my breath quickens.
