by Sarah Hope
I can’t believe I’ve just told Mrs Reynolds everything. The nosey old cow will have a field day relaying my sorry mess to everyone down at the oldies club. Wiping my eyes vigorously I look around to find something to change the conversation and notice a wicker basket at my feet full of knitting and balls of wool. Bending down I pick up a half finished jumper.
‘This is good. Who is it for?’ Oh shit by the look on her face I’ve said the worst possible thing. She quickly snatches it from me and holds on to it for dear life, clutching it in her lap. But instead of the tirade of anger I expect, her face suddenly softens and regret and longing spring to her eyes.
‘It’s a jumper for my Peter.’ Her voice cracks. Bugger I must have touched a raw nerve. Trust me to bring everyone down with me. ‘My son.’
‘I didn’t know you had a son. I’ve not seen him visit. Does he live far?’ Bet he’s emigrated or something. Probably sick of her curtain twitching ways. No, I shouldn’t be thinking like this, she’s done me an enormous favour having Charlie. And listening to me offload she’s been thoughtful and kind. She doesn’t deserve me thinking of her like this.
‘He was adopted at birth.’ Oh, I really have touched a raw nerve.
‘Oh I’m sorry.’
‘No, it’s not your fault love.’ She shakes her head softly at me. ‘It happened a long time ago, but it still feels like yesterday.’
I’m gobsmacked. I sit here as she relays me her life history. Pregnant at fourteen. Father of the baby dead. Evil father beating her and her mum black and blue. Sent away to live with her grandmother. It gets worse.
She has been through so much and there was me, and I know for a fact the vast majority of the street, thinking she was just a hardnosed spinster. This time it’s me making the tea and putting my arm around her shaking frame. It occurs to me that she feels a lot frailer than I had expected her to be. Listening to her voice I can’t believe how wrong I got her. How could I just jump to such, such wrong conclusions about her? We’ve lived opposite each other for years and I didn’t have a clue what she’d been going through.
When I think she’s finished talking, I go over to Charlie and put my hand on his head. I just need to feel him near me. To remind me he’s here and okay.
‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I don’t know what I’d do if someone took Mandy or Charlie away.’
‘You’d do what I do. Never give up. You can’t stop hoping. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. Every phone call, every letter, every noise outside might be him coming to find me.’
Shit, she’s not curtain twitching, well she is, but not to be nosey at anyone but because she thinks it might be her long lost son walking up her drive. How crap do I feel now? She’s not interested in my life or anyone else’s for that matter. She just wants to be reunited with her son.
‘Have you tried to find him?’
She tells me of all her efforts to find her son. I can’t believe that even after sixty odd years she’s still actively searching. The ways goes about it might sound barmy, but I guess you’d try anything and everything. I know I would. I’d move Heaven and Earth to get my kids back, and there’s no way I’d give up either.
Hearing her story puts what’s happening in my own life into perspective. She’s been through so much and she’s still standing, I can get through this. Ste walking out is nothing. Absolutely nothing in comparison to what she gone through, what she must still be going through each day; living with those terrible memories and the sickening guilt of giving up her baby for adoption. Not that she was in any position to be able to keep him. From the sounds of it she was forced into giving him up against her will.
When she’s finished telling me about her ongoing search for Peter we both just sit there in companionable silence. Just thinking our own thoughts, I guess. I know I am. I can’t get the image of poor Mandy lying in that hospital bed, thinking how it’s me and Ste who put her there. It’s easy to blame him for it all, but maybe he’s right, maybe it was me drinking around her all the time, making her think it’s okay to drink. Maybe it made her think it might help block things out for her like I’ve been trying to do.
Suddenly Charlie makes a move which frightens me into the real world. Looking at him pulling himself up into a sitting position on Mrs Reynolds’ sofa and looking around with a look of confusion on his little face fells me with such love and warmth for him.
‘Mum?’ His voice croaky with sleep jolts Mrs Reynolds out of her thoughts too.
‘I’m here Charlie.’ He turns to the sound of my voice and his face splits into one of his cheeky grins.
‘What are we doing here?’ He looks at Mrs Reynolds and treats her to one of his charming grins too.
‘Mandy had to go into hospital so I brought you over here last night, remember? So Mrs Reynolds could look after you.’
‘Mmm I remember. Where is she now?’
‘She’s still in hospital darling, but she’ll be out later today, and she’s fine.’
‘What was wrong with her?’
‘She just felt a bit poorly. But don’t worry, Mandy will feel better when she wakes up.’
‘Right, young man. What would you like for brekkie?’
‘You don’t have to do that Mrs Reynolds. I can feed him at home.’
‘No bother love. How about eggy bread? That’s my favourite.’
‘Yum, yes please.’
I follow her into the kitchen.
‘Thanks for last night, and I don’t just mean looking after Charlie, I mean listening to my problems too.’
‘No, thank you my dear. I’ve been carrying this business with Peter around all my life, not telling a soul, until I told you last night. I’ve been locked up in my own memories for long enough, and finally talking to someone has made Peter feel more real to me. I’m not explaining it very well, am I? Of course he was always real to me, but with regards to everyone else he didn’t exist, and now he does. You know about him.’
Nodding at her I fully understand what she’s trying to say.
After an early breakfast Mrs Reynolds insists its fine I leave Charlie with her while I go back to the hospital. I leave with a lot of respect for her.
When I get to Mandy’s ward I find Ste sleeping in the chair next to her bed. His clothes are crumpled from the long night and his head slumped on his chest. Closing the door as quietly as I can, I walk to the other chair and sit down next to Mandy. Still sleeping it off, she looks so fragile and small. She looks younger than her fourteen years and I do all I can to stop myself waking her up and giving her a huge tight hug. Wouldn’t it be great if you could really wrap them up in cotton wool, protect them from their own actions and from everyone else’s actions? It makes me shudder thinking what could have happened to her if it hadn’t been for Kayleigh. That reminds me, I must ring her and apologise for how I spoke to her yesterday and truly thank her.
A small creak makes me jump and looking over I see Ste rousing from his sleep. He stretches his arms and legs out in front of him and looks over at me.
‘Charlie okay?’
‘Yes fine. Has everything been okay here?’
‘Yep no change, she’s just been sleeping. You okay?’ Wow, that’s the first time he’s asked after me since he ran out on us.
‘Yes I am actually. Not had much sleep, but I’ve done a lot of thinking. How about you?’
‘I was going to say you look shattered. I’m okay ta. Been thinking too.’
‘Yes, it brings everything into perspective doesn’t it? Me worrying about how my life was changing, about you getting her pregnant, ‘ I congratulate myself hugely for not calling her ‘tart’, ‘when all along we missed what was going on right under our noses with Mandy.’
Looking up I expect him to respond, but he just nods quietly.
‘You’ve left, and yes, that’s bad. And don’t get me wrong it makes me so so angry. I still can’t get my head around you walking out on us for her and it’s even harder for me to thin
k about you shagging her behind my back. Hold on let me finish,’ I hold my hand up to silence him, ‘I don’t want to start another argument. We’ve had enough of those to last a lifetime. I’m just stating the facts. I am angry and obviously upset,’ distraught more like but I do have some dignity left so I won’t be telling him quite how heart wrenching is for me, ‘but we’ve got to move on for the kids’ sakes and make this work. You need to face up to your responsibilities as a father to the kids you’ve already got.’
‘Don’t start…’
‘What I’m trying to say is, you need to face up to your responsibilities, and I need to treat you civilly when we meet. I need to treat you both civilly when it comes to the kids.’
Silence.
‘Well?’ You could answer me you know Ste, it’s taking all my strength to stop myself shouting at you and telling you what I really think.
‘You’re right Lynette. We need to sort some arrangements out for the children.’
‘Good, shall we keep it to a Sunday then? You take them out every Sunday?’
‘Yes okay, although obviously it depends on my working schedule.’
Would this be your true working schedule or your fake working schedule actually turning out to be your bonking schedule? Fortunately he can read volumes through my evil eye.
‘Every Sunday.’ He clarifies.
‘Good, I know Charlie will be pleased and hopefully after you’ve explained things to Mandy she will come round to the idea as well.’
I feel completely worn out after discussing plans with Ste. It makes it all the more real. I’m a single parent. I never thought I’d have to say that.
Ste actually treats me to lunch, even if it is only a packaged sandwich and a strong coffee in a polystyrene cup he brings up from the hospital cafeteria. With a full stomach I hold onto Mandy’s hand and let my eyes close and my mind drift.
‘Mum?’
‘Mandy, Mandy it’s okay darling, Mum’s here with you. How are you feeling?’
‘My throat hurts and I’ve got a headache.’ Her voice, thick with hangover, reminds me sharply why we are here.
‘Darling I bet it does. No, don’t try and sit up, just relax and lay back for a while. Do you remember what happened last night? Why you are here?’
‘Yes. Sorry,’ Her voice is so small I have to lean forward, my ear close to her mouth. ‘Sorry Mum.’
‘Hey, just don’t you going doing it again. You gave us such a scare,’ Kissing the back of Mandy’s hand, her skin is still cold and clammy, ‘Drink isn’t the answer to anything. You’re lucky you had Kayleigh with you. Anything could have happened.’
Half of me wants to shout and holler at her, warn her of the dangers of alcohol and tell her how bloody stupid she was, but I can’t; there will be time for that later. All I want to do now is hug her and wrap her in my arms and tell her everything is going to be alright.
‘Mandy.’
Mandy darts her eyes to the right and finds Ste sitting there.
‘Get him out of here. I don’t want to even speak to him.’
‘It’s okay Mandy. Whatever he has done to me he is still your dad. He’s not done anything to intentionally hurt you or Charlie.’
‘Don’t stick up for him Mum.’
‘I’m not. But you’ve got to realise he loves you and you can’t let anything that’s happened between me and your dad get in the way of your relationship with him.’ Well done Lynette, I’m rather proud of myself. It’s tough this ‘brushing everything under the carpet to protect your kids’ lark. But needs must and I can keep the pretence up as long as I have to. If Mrs Reynolds can go through what she’s been through and still have hope then I can put my feelings aside for Mandy and Charlie’s sakes.
‘How can you say that? He cheated on you behind your back.’
‘It’s happened, it’s in the past. Now we’ve got to get on with life and work with what we’ve got.’
‘No, I don’t buy any of this. I want him out.’
‘Please Mandy listen to your mum. If she’s willing to listen and talk to me then I’m sure you can too.’
‘You pushed me out of your life. Or don’t you remember walking out and then ignoring my calls and texts? You didn’t want anything to do with me and I bet you don’t now, do you? I bet I’m just an embarrassment you want to brush under the carpet. I bet the only reason you’re here is to thank me for not being taken to your precious hospital.’
‘Mandy no, don’t talk like that. I’m sorry. It was really wrong of me to ignore your texts and calls but I was scared. I was scared of how you would react to what I had done. And I was right to be, wasn’t I?’
‘Ste not now.’
‘I know, sorry. Look, Mandy, we’re going to get along. When you get out of here and you’re feeling up to it we’ll have a chat and hopefully you can understand me, what I’ve done. A bit more anyway.’
She slumps her head back onto the pillow and by the sallow look on her face I know she needs some rest.
‘I think that’s enough now. No amount of arguing is going to change what has happened. We have to look forward now and learn to forgive. Mandy, your dad loves you, that’s why he’s here. You close your eyes and try and get some more sleep now. You’ll feel better for it.’
It doesn’t take long for her to drop off again.
A few hours later I sit next to Mandy listening to the doctor’s warnings on alcohol abuse; liver damage, choking on your own vomit, slowing and stopping of breathing and heart rate and the frequency of accidents due to drink. Looking down at Mandy’s pale face I hope she’s taking it all in. I know I am, and I certainly won’t be drinking another drop of the stuff. Not for my benefit but because I want Mandy to see that it doesn’t help with other stuff going on in life.
After the lecture we’re told to sit tight and wait for someone to come and discharge her.
‘I really am sorry Mum,’ Mandy’s hoarse voice breaks the silence in the room.
‘Just don’t do it again darling, I don’t think my nerves could take it,’ smiling I give her hand a squeeze.
‘Home at last. Do you want to have a lie down on the sofa? I think you should rest a bit more.’ Supporting Mandy I lead her into the lounge and make her comfortable lying on the sofa with her duvet keeping her warm before joining Ste in the kitchen.
‘Here sit down,’ Ste pulls one of the kitchen chairs out, guides me into it and places a tempting cup of strong coffee in front of me, ‘Thank you for letting me be a part of this.’
Chapter Nineteen
Enid
My knees tremble as the sluggish train struggles up the steep hill in front of us. Looking up at Father’s stony face I can’t see even a glimmer of emotion, so well hidden are his feelings. Shifting my legs to try and disguise the tremors I catch my tights on a nail under the chair.
‘Stop fidgeting.’ His voice gives nothing away either, maybe he really doesn’t care.
Steadying my legs, I stare out of the window instead. I don’t see the beautiful scenery; the patchwork fields or the dips and rises of the green landscape. All I see is Mum’s face, trying to keep strong for me.
Folding my arms I hug myself trying to relive the tight hug that Mum gave me before Father pulled us apart. I can’t believe that I won’t see her again for weeks, perhaps two or three months even. This will be the first time I will have been away from Mum for so long. I’ve not even stayed anywhere without her before. Betty has often invited me for a pyjama party but I could never leave her and Father alone together.
‘Stop chewing your lip, what will your grandmother say if you turn up with blood down your chin?’
Father’s barked orders only make me worry more. I know Mum told me not to worry and that with me out of the way she was sure he wouldn’t be half as bad, because he would have less stress on his mind, but it doesn’t stop me. I’m sure she’s right. Of course she is and it won’t be long until she can come and get me anyway. With me out of the way Father is sure to gi
ve her the freedom of going in and out of the house again. He had only kept us locked up because of me and the shame I’d bring on the family if anyone saw me and realised the horrible rumours were true. With me gone he will leave the door unlocked again. Mum said that she will give it a few more weeks, lull him into a false sense of security, hide a bit more from his wages, and then she’ll come for me.
Ouch, that was a hard kick, this little one is strong. Placing my hands on my tummy he carries on kicking just as though he’s trying to kick my hands away. You won’t get rid of me that easily little one, I’m your mama. Here to look after you and keep you safe. Your Nanna’s plan will work and we’ll bring you up together. Somewhere safe. Somewhere far away from your grandfather. You’ll never know him and his vicious ways. You’ll never have to feel his heavy hand.
‘Get your hands off. Someone will see you and know what shame you’ve brought on me.’ His rough hands push mine away from my baby. Looking up at him I can see exactly how he’s feeling and there’s not one ounce of sorrow for me going.
I wish this journey was over and at the same time I wish it would never end. I’m dreading seeing Grandmother again. I know it’s been at least five years but I can’t imagine she’s changed her ways. Clasping the locket Albert gave me, safely hidden in the pocket of my dress, tears prick the backs of my eyes, threatening to tumble.
I still can’t believe he’s gone. It still doesn’t feel real. I try to steady my breathing as I think back to Father telling me, gloating almost, that he had news that Albert had been killed. My Albert, my baby’s father. My baby and this locket are all I’ve got left of him. Our time together though short will always be precious to me. I will tell our baby about the wonderful picnic he put together for me, about the endless chats we had and about how he stuck up for me; to my father no less. I know he loved me and that can’t be taken away from me. I’ll love this baby enough for the both of us and tell him or her about their wonderful Dad every day. I’ll tell them what a gentleman he was, how brave he was, that his favourite colour was purple and I’ll tell them of the way he used to brush his fingers through his hair when he was nervous.
