THE END
Mummy, Mummy!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! What’s a werewolf?
Mum: Shut up and comb your face!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! Are we really vampires?
Mum: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! I’m scared of zombies!
Mum: Shut up and eat your brains while they’re still warm!
The Very Bad Teacher
THE END
The Very Bad Giraffe
THE END
The Very Bad Dentist
THE END
Brian and His Very, Very Bad Idea
THE END
Mummy, Mummy!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! I don’t see what’s so good about watching TV!
Mum: Shut up and switch it on!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! My head hurts!
Mum: Shut up and get away from the dartboard!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! When is the pool going to be ready?
Mum: Shut up and keep spitting!
A Very, Very Bad Joke
Two hippos are in a swamp
with water up to their eyes.
One looks at the other and says,
‘I don’t know why, but I keep thinking
it’s Tuesday.’
THE END
Tarzan the Monkey Man
Tarzan the monkey man,
Swinging on a rubber band.
Along came Superman
And kicked him in the dunny can!
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family
PART 1
THE END
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family
PART 2
THE END
The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family
PART 3
THE END
The Very Bad Holiday
THE END
The Very Bad Guide to Good and Bad
Mummy, Mummy!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! Are you sure this is how you make gingerbread men?
Mum: Shut up and get back in the oven.
Son: Mummy, Mummy! What happened to all your scabs?
Mum: Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Son: Mummy, Mummy! Daddy vomited!
Mum: Shut up and get a fork before your sister gets all the big bits!
Bad Daddy and the Pencil Sharpener
THE END
The Boy Who Forgot His Head Because it wasn’t Screwed On
Once upon a time there was a very forgetful boy. He would forget to do his chores. He would forget to do his homework. And sometimes he would even forget to put his pants on before he went to school!
‘Honestly!’ his mother would say, shaking her head. ‘You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on!’
One day the boy said to himself,
‘I wonder if my head really is screwed on?’
The boy put his hands over his ears
and twisted his head to the right.
It moved a little.
He gave another twist.
It moved a little more.
He gave it one more twist and,
to his surprise, his head came
completely off his body.
‘Cool!’ said the boy. ‘My head really does screw on … and off!’ And he screwed it on.
He was about to screw it on again when he heard his best friend calling from outside and he ran off to play, completely forgetting to screw his head back on, just as his mother had predicted.
The boy’s head sat on the table in front of the window where the boy had left it. Pretty soon, however, the wind started to blow and … the head rolled off the table and onto the floor.
It bounced down the stairs, and out the front door.
Along a dark and slimy pipe, past frogs and toads and rats that bite!
The head rolled on until, eventually, it slid out of the pipe and splashed into the sea … where it was swallowed by a fish …
which was swallowed by a very big fish …
which was swallowed by a very, very big fish …
which was swallowed by a very, very, very small fish …
with a very, very, very big mouth!
And
the
very,
very, very
small fish
with the
very,
very,
very
big mouth
was caught by
a fisherman,
who took it home, cut it open and out rolled the boy’s head!
So, the fisherman did what he did with all the interesting things he found inside the fish he caught: he put it on eBay and, after a furious bidding war, it was bought by a little old lady, who cleaned it, polished it up and used it as a bowling ball.
As for the boy,
don’t feel too sorry for him:
he soon forgot he’d ever had
a head and lived happily—
and headlessly—
ever after.
THE END
The Very Bad Teacher
DO-IT-YOURSELF VERSION
THE END
Brian and His Very, Very, Very Bad Idea
THE END
Very Bad Knock-knock Jokes
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Poo-poo.
Poo-poo who?
Poo-poo wee-wee.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Poo-poo wee-wee.
Poo-poo wee-wee who?
Poo-poo wee-wee poo-poo wee-wee.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Alice.
Alice who?
Alice Poo-poo wee-wee poo-poo wee-wee.
The Very Bad Dog
BARKING
LEAVING MUDDY PAW PRINTS ALL OVER THE HOUSE
WEEING ON THE RUG
MAKING PRANK PHONE CALLS
SPRAYING ANTI-CAT GRAFFITI
DRIVING TOO FAST
ROBBING A BANK
BLOWING UP THE CAT
THE END
The Very Bad Vet
THE END
Very, Very, Very Bad Riddles
Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
Q: Why did the ship crash?
A: Because the captain was a loaf of bread.
Q: Why did the bread van crash?
A: Accident investigators believe that it was due to a combination of factors, including high winds, icy roads, a dirty windscreen, brake failure, four flat tyres and an indicator malfunction (plus the fact that the driver was a loaf of bread).
The Very Bad Book Page 2
