by Lois Richer
“If not you might want to join my cooking lessons,” Maddie teased, eyes sparkling again. “My first one is tomorrow evening.”
“You’re going to do it?” Jesse was surprised she’d have enough time. But then Maddie seemed to make time for the important things.
“I have to do something,” she said with a mischievous grin. “Otherwise Noah’s going to be a beanpole. He’s always hungry and he’s growing so fast.”
When they’d gathered around the table, Jesse offered a quick thanks for the food, then served mother and son before selecting the burned section for himself. He caught Maddie watching him with an amused look and before he knew it she’d switched their plates.
“Hey!”
“The cook should always eat the best part.” She winked at Noah. “It’s a rule, right?”
He said nothing, his mouth full of pizza, his cheeks dotted with red tomato sauce.
“Bon appétit,” Maddie said, before taking a dainty bite of her food.
Jesse waited with eager expectation, charmed by her altering expression as the flavors hit her tongue. She reminded him of a connoisseur, savoring the full nuance of the spices in the tomato sauce combined with the meat and pineapple.
“This must have taken forever to make,” she said after she’d swallowed. “It’s really amazing pizza.”
“It took very little time, but that’s because Gran had the dough for the crust in the freezer.” Jesse served her another slice and grinned when she didn’t refuse. “The topping is pretty easy. Anybody could do it.”
“Maybe I’ll learn how to make pizza at my cooking lessons.” Maddie sipped her lemonade. “Thank you, Jesse. When I learn how to cook, I’ll return the favor and make you a meal.”
“I look forward to it.” They ate the rest with sporadic conversation.
Jesse wanted to ask her about Noah’s diagnosis, medication, everything. He’d hoped to find an explanation for the whole rules thing. But he barely knew Noah or Maddie. He might feel there was an unexplained reason behind Noah’s reliance on those rules, but he could hardly pry into their business.
“You aren’t camping anymore?” His pizza gone, Noah selected one of Emma’s cookies, then re-formed the soft round shape into a triangle. When it was the way he wanted, he smiled before popping it into his mouth.
“No, but my stuff’s still at the campground. I guess I’d better go get it.” He shrugged. “I don’t need to camp when I can stay here.”
“But don’t you want to camp anymore?” An intense longing shone in Noah’s dark gaze.
“Camping’s okay for a while,” Jesse explained. “But it’s nice to have a house you don’t have to bend over to get into.” The boy’s keen interest gave him an idea. “Would you like to come with me to take down the tent?”
“Yes.” Noah checked his response by looking at Maddie. “Can I? Please?”
“When?” she asked in a thoughtful voice.
“Next Saturday afternoon?” Jesse chose the date specifically because he knew she’d be working. “Noah and I can have a campfire, cook our lunch and then take everything down. After all,” he cajoled, “I did promise him.”
“Yes, you did.” Maddie smiled at her son. “That’s very nice of you, Jesse. Thank you.”
“And mores,” Noah reminded him. “You said we’d have mores.”
“S’mores,” Jesse corrected, repressing his urge to smile. He didn’t want the boy to feel he was being mocked. “We’ll have those for dessert. What’s a campfire without s’mores?”
“Yeah.” Though he obviously had no idea what they were, Noah’s grin stretched from one cheek to the other.
“We’ll help you feed the puppies and then we’d better get home. Church is tomorrow.” Maddie rose and began collecting plates.
Sensing an opportunity, Jesse asked Noah to tend to the puppies, so he wouldn’t overhear their conversation. When the boy was in the laundry room Jesse began probing.
“Maddie, I don’t want to be nosy, but I wondered if Noah is on any type of medication for his autism?” he asked, as they loaded the dishwasher together. “I worked with autistic kids in college one summer and most of them had a prescription.”
“A lot of autistic kids do.” She turned her scarred face away from him, her voice soft but with an edge. “Noah doesn’t.”
“Oh. Okay. Good.” He didn’t want to press the issue because it felt like Maddie was withdrawing. Then suddenly, she turned and faced him.
“On his first day in kindergarten Noah acted up. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t keep coloring. Liam was embarrassed, said he was being disobedient, so he asked the doctor to prescribe something. After my husband died I told the doctors I wanted Noah off all medication that wasn’t absolutely essential.” Her voice was tight, as if she’d had to defend her decision and didn’t want to be reminded of that. “It made him so groggy. He wasn’t Noah anymore. Liam wanted obedience, compliance. I just wanted Noah to come back. When he was on the medication his eyes were so empty.”
“And?” he asked and watched as she chewed her bottom lip for a moment while staring at him.
“It didn’t seem to affect him,” she added in a murmur. “He’s doing well in his new school. Do you think I was wrong?”
“I’m not a doctor, Maddie, so I can’t say. But I do believe God gives mothers great intuition about their kids.” Jesse hated the pain etched in her lovely eyes, but he felt compelled to ask the questions whirling inside his head. “I guess you could always have him tested again. When was the last time you did that?”
“Before he started at his new school and then again before Christmas.” Her voice dropped. “I track him pretty closely because I missed his first diagnosis.” Her voice dropped. “I wasn’t, um, well.” Her head lifted, eyes glittering with tears of agony. “I had a miscarriage.”
“I’m so sorry, Maddie.” Why hadn’t he kept his mouth shut? He was causing her even more pain.
“She was the prettiest little girl. Even though she was so small, I could see her beauty. I called her Lila.” Maddie swiped away a tear. “Liam said it was God’s will that she died, but I couldn’t understand that. Why would God want my baby to die?” The last word came out on a sob. Unfortunately, Noah arrived just in time to hear it.
“Mom?” With a frown he stared at her, then at Jesse. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, honey. I got a little dust in my eye, but it’s gone now.” Maddie forced a smile, hiding her sorrow as she no doubt had many times before. “Do you have homework?”
“Did it.” He grinned. “Jesse helped me while we waited for the pizza dough to thaw out.”
“Was it art class again?” There was a hesitant note in Maddie’s voice that Jesse didn’t understand. Noah did, though, and he wore an earsplitting grin as he nodded.
“Farm animals,” he said, clearly enjoying it when she groaned.
“It seems I owe you yet another thank-you, Jesse. Even double thanks.”
“For helping draw animals?” He shrugged. “No problem.”
“It is to me.” Maddie’s chagrin was obvious. “I can’t draw anything but stickmen and even they look odd.”
“But you do quilts good.” Noah awkwardly hugged her side, bumping against her hip like an awkward calf before he moved away, head bent, so he didn’t see the surprise and pleasure filling his mother’s face at the unexpected contact.
But Jesse did.
“Thank you, son.” Maddie’s eyes welled, but she dabbed away the tears. “That’s very kind of you to say. Now you’d better grab your backpack so we can get home. And don’t forget to thank Jesse.”
Noah did thank him. Effusively. And reminded him of his promise for next Saturday.
“It’s a date,” Jesse agreed.
“Thank you so much,” Madd
ie said with a big smile. “For everything. It’s been like old times to have supper at Emma’s.” Her face clouded. “I’m just sorry she’s not here to share it.”
“According to my parents, with the progress she’s making she will be soon. And then Noah and I will make her our special pizza.” He ruffled the boy’s hair, and though Noah ducked away, Jesse knew he didn’t really mind.
“That sounds great.” Maddie took Noah’s hand. “Okay, we’re off. Thanks again.”
“See you Monday,” he called.
She stopped, turned and stared at him with a frown.
“To build the shelves,” he reminded her, then waved off her protests. “I’ll be there first thing in the morning.”
“Oh. Well, thank you. Again.” She opened the door, but Noah slipped under her arm and raced back to Jesse.
“I think she liked the hug,” he whispered, eyes downcast.
“I know she did. You could do it more often.”
“Really?” Noah frowned, then shot him a quick grin before scurrying out the door.
Jesse watched them drive away. All in all, a very good evening, he decided. He’d found the answers he’d wanted. The boy’s father had been a stickler for rules. But Jesse wasn’t sure that would help him understand Noah any better. It had, however, whetted his appetite to know more about sweet Maddie. In fact, his questions about her were growing exponentially.
If he pressed her too hard for more information about Noah, she’d probably blame herself again. That was the last thing Jesse wanted to see happen.
Funny how Maddie’s emotional state was becoming so important to him.
Chapter Six
“It’s very kind of you to build the shelves.” Maddie stood in the middle of the store, arms loaded with bolts of colorful fabric, looking remarkably unruffled amid what seemed to Jesse to be pure chaos. “Especially after working all day at Wranglers.”
“No problem. I just wish I could have made it Monday instead of making you wait till Thursday.” He glanced around. “Can I come and go using the back door? I’ll leave the saws out there.”
“Sounds fine.” Her smile was distracted. “Today’s our afternoon piecing class, so for the next few hours we’ll mostly be in the workroom. Excuse me, I’d better get this fabric cut.”
He nodded, fascinated to watch her work. Each client got Maddie’s complete attention. She listened to what they said then offered advice and suggestions that made each encounter very personal. Every single customer left smiling.
Jesse broke free of his musings and left after Maddie shot him a curious look. As he paused to check on the puppies sleeping in their box in the shaded truck, the door opened and the echo of laughter and happy chatter burst toward him. He smiled at the sounds of fun that emanated from Quilt Essentials as he unloaded wood, rechecked his measurements and began constructing. Gran would love to be here, though her emails said without words that she had all she could handle with her recovery.
“Thank You God for Maddie,” he whispered.
As Jesse sawed and hammered in the back parking lot, he enjoyed the lovely breeze that kept his shady spot from becoming too hot. He’d just finished assembling the base for the unit when Maddie appeared.
“Coffee time.” She held out a big steaming mug, then frowned. “You’re welcome to drink it inside if you want.”
“Thanks, but it’s such a gorgeous day that it’s a pleasure to be outdoors.” He accepted a napkin holding two cookies, then sat on the tailgate of his truck, surprised when she joined him. “Your class sounds like a lot of fun.”
“They always are,” she agreed with a smile. “Though it gets a little hectic trying to make sure everyone’s following directions, especially when it’s first-timers trying our Bargello pattern.”
“I’m not even going to ask you to explain that.” Jesse grinned at her, enjoying the relaxed sense of camaraderie. “I should be ready to start putting pieces for the new unit in place soon, if that’s okay.”
“It’s great. There’s no class tonight.” She studied his first-stage construction. “It looks exactly as I wanted. Have you always known how to build?”
“Dad started us young. When you live on a ranch that’s miles from town you have to be able to repair and reuse what you have as well as make what you need.” He shrugged. “I’m nowhere near as good a carpenter as he is but I try.”
“And your brothers—are they good carpenters?” She looked startled when he made a face. “I’ll take that as a no.”
“Mac prefers the rodeo. Dan prefers breeding his Black Angus cattle and Rich...” Jesse wasn’t exactly sure how to say this to her. “Rich prefers the ladies.”
“Your face is red,” she said with a chuckle.
“Rich is kind of embarrassing sometimes.” He ducked his head and drank his coffee.
“After you left your church—you didn’t want to stay and ranch with your family?” Maddie’s long black lashes hid her eyes, but he could hear the questions in her voice.
“I wanted to leave Colorado as fast as I could.” He tired to hide his frustration.
“Because?” She did look at him then.
“Because I knew I was to blame for that death. I knew I hadn’t done enough to save Scott.” He debated saying the next part, but something in him needed to verbalize his miasma of feelings. “But if I was to blame, so was God.”
Maddie didn’t gasp, stare at him or call him sacrilegious as his former fiancée had. Instead she seemed to be considering his words.
“Because He didn’t stop it from happening, you mean?” she finally asked.
“Yes.” Jesse felt great relief that she understood without more explanation, but he also hated that such thoughts had ever taken root in his head. Maybe Eve was right. Maybe being blamed was his punishment for questioning God.
“I felt the same way when Noah was diagnosed.” Maddie’s retrospective tone broke into his thoughts. “I did everything I could to have a healthy baby. And yet Noah had problems. Liam said it was a genetic problem on my side, that it had to be because there weren’t any autistics in his family.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “For years I couldn’t understand why God had done that to me, punished me like that.”
“Do you understand now?” Jesse asked curiously.
“Understand why Noah has problems?” She turned her head sideways to study him. “No. But thanks to Sophie I am beginning to accept that it doesn’t matter, just as it doesn’t matter why her daughter, Beth, has Down syndrome. Noah is who he is. What matters is loving both of them for who they are and helping them become all that they can be.”
“Meaning?” In Maddie Jesse saw a maturity he hadn’t anticipated. Though Noah was only eight, his mother seemed focused on his personal growth. From his youth group work Jesse knew some parents never understood their focus had to be on their kid.
“Liam wanted Noah to be a copy of himself. Top of the class, a leader, strong, competent.” Her voice was soft, hesitant.
“And you don’t?” Jesse’s heart squeezed at her gentle smile when she shook her head.
“I want Noah to be Noah. I want him to experience the joys of life, to feel others’ pain so he won’t cause it. I want him to grow up understanding that life isn’t about being the smartest or the fastest or the richest.” Her voice gathered strength as she spoke. “I am determined to help my son realize that when you give to others you are far richer than any money can make you. I want him to understand that a good friend will help and support you and that you can do the same for him. In other words, I want Noah to be the best he can be. Whatever that is.”
“I think Noah got a wonderful mom when God chose you.” Jesse’s praise was genuine.
“Thanks.” She blushed most charmingly. “It sounds grandiose and I’m not at all sure that I can do it. But tha
t’s my goal.”
“But what about for you? What do you want for yourself?” he probed, thinking of Tanner’s comments from the first day Jesse had gone to Wranglers Ranch.
“I don’t need anything,” she said, after a few moments had passed.
“That isn’t what I meant. I was asking what Maddie McGregor dreams of for herself. What wonderful things do you want to be and do and say?” Jesse could tell by her nonplused mien that she’d long since put away her dreams. “You’re young and strong. You’re gifted with fabric. You’re determined to learn what you don’t know and you’re great with people. So what do you see yourself doing in ten years, Maddie? Or when Noah grows up and is involved in his own busy life.”
She stared at him for a long time. During those moments a hundred different reactions chased across her face: hope, optimism, possibilities. Then someone from inside the store called her name and the flare of excitement died as quickly as a fire doused with water.
“I’ll just keep being plain old me, I guess.” She scooted off the tailgate and picked up his empty cup.
Jesse couldn’t let her go like that, couldn’t let the first flicker of dreams he’d glimpsed in those green eyes die, so he waited until she had almost reached the corner of the building.
“I’d argue that word plain, Maddie,” he said seriously. “But don’t you want more? Don’t you want to discover all the wonderful things God has planned for you to do with the rest of your life?”
She turned to look at him as if he’d suggested she make a quilt out of old shoes. Then she shrugged.
“I don’t think God has planned much more for me than to be Noah’s mom.” Her voice was quiet, reflective. “Otherwise He’d have given me the qualifications to be something great. But that’s okay, because being Noah’s mom is a great enough job for me.” She smiled at him before pointing out, “The puppies want feeding.”
Then she turned and went inside the shop. Moments later a burst of laughter echoed from the building.
