When all I hear is silence, I glance up at both of them, my eyes previously trained on the ground.
Coach J’s eyes are furrowed in confusion, while Mack just watches me with a neutral expression.
“I’ve already informed Coach J that your father will be at the game,” Mack says, “and we both agreed that it would be best to keep you on the field.”
Now my head cocks to the side with my own confusion.
“That makes no sense. Last time I could barely pay attention when he was here. I almost lost us the game. This game is way more important.”
“I’ll let you two get on the same page,” Coach J says, and walks back into the locker room.
I stare after him for a moment before turning my attention back to Mack.
“I’m so lost. Was he mad?”
Mack shakes his head slightly.
“I’d already told Coach J that your dad was coming, and that you were still going to play. He was probably just wondering why you were telling us for what seemed like a second time to him, and why you would say you should sit out when I just told him you were good to play anyway.”
“But I’m not good to play, Mack. I’m gonna choke again, and I… wait. How did you know he was coming?”
“Jeremy called me.”
My head jerks back.
“What?”
“Yeah. He was worried and said he couldn’t get a hold of you. He wanted to make sure someone was keeping an eye on things to make sure you were okay.”
I let out a sudden burst of uncontrollable laughter, and Mack breaks into a grin.
“Well, I guess he’s at least accepted the idea that you might care about me.”
“I worry everyone can tell how much I care about you,” he replies.
My face blushes bright red.
“I’m serious, RJ. I feel like it’s stamped on my forehead sometimes. I feel like my eyes are always glued to you, even when I’m supposed to be watching someone else on the field or listening to someone else speaking to me.”
I shake my head with a small smile.
“I love that,” I whisper.
Mack clears his throat.
“Well, we should get back inside. My decision is final, just so you know. You’re playing. You’ll be fine. The team will be behind you if there’s any problems.”
I stand with my arms crossed, and watch as he turns and enters the locker room.
I feel like I need to do something, but I’m not sure what. There’s an anticipation coursing through my veins in place of the anger that was boiling to the surface earlier.
Then suddenly, it occurs to me.
I shoot into the locker room, just as Mack is calling everyone to attention.
“Can I say something quickly?” I ask, and see every eye in the room shoot to me. I hate being the focus of attention, but I have to push past it.
Mack waves a hand out in front of him.
“The floor is yours.”
I clear my throat nervously, glancing around the room and catching Piper’s eyes. I latch onto her beautiful spirit in an attempt to calm myself.
“I’m sure you all probably remember the USD game, when there was a man shouting really horrible things at the team from the stands.”
A few nods. A lot of curious looks.
“Well, it’s no coincidence that he singled me out that day. That guy is my dad.”
A few gasps. A lot of open mouths.
“He’s an alcoholic, and he was physically and verbally abusive to me when I was growing up. I know this might seem like a random thing to share with the team, but I promise, I have a reason.”
A few wide eyes. A lot of pitying stares.
“He’s going to be here today, in the stands. I spoke with Coach McIntosh about possibly starting Erin, since I have a hard time concentrating when he’s around. I can normally shut out most things and focus - but not him. I just wanted to be honest with you, a group of women I care about deeply, that I will do everything I can to help you win this game, but that this one thing may impact my performance.”
I catch Mack’s eyes.
“Recently I realized that you can’t work well with anyone unless you’re open and vulnerable, and willing to take risks.”
Mack gives me a small smile and I turn my head to let my eyes wander through the group.
“But in this case, the majority of risk rests on the team as a whole, not just on me. I don’t think it would be fair for me to go into this game with a potential distraction without you knowing. I wanted to make sure you understand what today will be like for me, and I wanted to make sure I have your permission to play.”
There’s a super intense silence when I finish. I glance around again, catch Piper’s eyes watching me with approval and a smirk. Erin and Kristal are sitting together watching me with beaming smiles. And when my eyes connect with Mack’s again I see pride and respect and love radiating from him.
“Oh, come on. That’s bullshit,” Gina grits out.
And all of those eyes I hated having on me finally turn away and latch onto another target.
When my eyes laser in on Gina, I see her standing in front of an open locker, her hands on her hips, her face twisted in a scowl.
“She wrapped it up in a pretty bow, but what she just told you all is that she’s going to be a deer in headlights today as the rest of the team busts ass trying to win this game. I think she should be asked to sit out today.”
“Gina, stop being a fucking bitch.” I turn to see Piper taking a step forward. “No one wants to hear your shit.”
“Is it capable for you to shove your nose any farther up RJ’s ass?” Gina spits out. “You’re already a starter today. You don’t need to push any farther. And you’re a total idiot if you can’t realize she’s a liability. Besides, whether I’m a bitch or not is irrelevant when what I’m saying is true. She’s going to lose this game for the team.”
The silence in the room is so heavy I can feel the weight of it on my shoulders.
“A vote, then.”
My eyes fly back to Mack’s in surprise, and I’m sure I’m not the only one to respond this way.
“My original plan was to put RJ in because I believe in her ability to overcome her issues with her dad. It was her decision to share with you why her dad’s presence will potentially be a problem. She wanted to open up to you and ask for your permission to play, even though I had already told her what my decision was, because she values the collective team perspective.”
He clears his throat, eyeing the room.
“And even though I detest the way it was phrased and think immature, catty behavior is uncalled for on this team,” he says, glaring at Gina, who suddenly loses a shade of color, “it is a valid point that RJ’s capability as a keeper may be impacted. I think RJ did the right thing in letting you all decide, as a team, whether she should be on that field. So, a vote. A team decision.”
After a few moments where I see some uncomfortable glances my way, I know I have to say something.
“I won’t be upset, whatever decision is made. It won’t impact how I feel about any of you. I’ll totally understand. And if it helps, I’ll just step out,” I point to the door and begin taking steps in that direction, “so everyone can say what they want.”
I’m out the door quickly, pacing the hallways. But it’s only a few minutes before Piper comes flying out the door with a shit-eating-grin on her face.
“Pull on your gloves, bitch! It’s time to play!”
* * * * *
I can’t stop smiling when I get off the field an hour and a half later. Not only did we win, but I was on. Fucking. Point. And the icing on the cake is that my dad didn’t make a peep during the game, so I’m assuming Jeremy showed up at some point and either forced him to stay quiet or kept him from even attending the game.
I guess letting him protect me isn’t so bad.
What is bad is when I get outs
ide the locker room after showering, ready to head back to the hotel, and I find Jeremy and Mack together, talking quietly.
“What happened?” I ask, startling them both.
They exchange a look that means something only to them, before Mack turns towards me, his expression grim.
“Your dad’s here,” is his response.
My eyes flick from Mack where he stands to Jeremy, who is leaning sideways against the cinderblock wall, not fully looking at me. I’m trying to decipher the underlying tension swarming around them, but I’m unable to see what they’re not saying.
“…And?”
Mack looks to Jeremy again.
When my eyes track back to my brother, I gasp. Now that he’s pushed away from the wall and turned fully towards me, I can see his split lip and the cut on his eyebrow, as well as the bruises already forming under his eye.
“Jeremy, what the hell happened?” I ask, rushing towards him to inspect his face.
But he brushes me away, waving his hand in the air dismissively.
“It’s nothing,” he replies. “Dad’s face looks worse.”
“What!?” I shout. “Jeremy, will you just tell me what happened?”
Jeremy shakes his head, just slightly, mostly in disbelief.
“That stupid fuck thought he could show up tonight and not get the shit beat out of him is what happened,” he barks out. “I don’t know how he found out about this tournament, but I made sure he knew he wasn’t ever welcome back at one of your games.”
Jeremy makes an angry noise, then curses and touches the cut on his lip.
“I waited outside for him and when I saw him stumbling up to the entrance, I made it clear that he wouldn’t be attending. The asshole sucker punched me. So I wrapped my arm around his neck and dragged him out to my car. He got in a few good hits but he’s fucking wasted. I knocked him out and threw him in the backseat. He’s gonna sleep it off until I drive his ass home.”
We are all silent for a moment. I let Jeremy’s words play over again in my head. He beat the shit out of our dad. Part of me wants to laugh and part of me is upset because I would never want Jeremy to risk getting in trouble or getting hurt.
When Jeremy found out that Carter cheated on me in high school, he drove home from college that very day and confronted Carter as he was leaving football practice. I was coming out of the women’s locker rooms when I saw them through the chainlink fence, arguing in the parking lot.
Mack had taken Carter by the shirt and slammed him up against the expensive truck Mr. Lincoln bought just two weeks earlier as a present for Carter making team captain. I raced as fast as I could towards them, but by the time I got there, Carter was flat on his back and Jeremy was hitting him over and over in the face.
I had to throw myself in between them to get him to stop punching. Who knows whether he would have been able to stop.
He spent a night in jail because dad hadn’t wanted to bail him out and his coach had to come to town to do it. He was charged with assault and had a bunch of community service.
I’d bought him a thank you card.
I’m jolted back to the present when suddenly, Jeremy turns and punches the cinderblock wall of the tunnel.
I’m so stunned, I don’t react.
I just watch as Jeremy hits the wall over and over again.
It isn’t until Mack wraps his arms around Jeremy and pulls him backwards that I realize Jeremy’s blood is now marking the wall where he split open his fist.
Tears track down my cheeks as I watch Mack quickly and quietly bring Jeremy to his knees on the floor of the tunnel where we stand. Mack remains with his arms locked around Jeremy’s torso, inhibiting Jeremy’s ability to move.
I rush to kneel down in front of them, my knees touching Jeremy’s. And when I lean in close and try to catch his eyes that I realize he’s crying too.
“Are you okay?” I whisper.
He’s quiet for a moment, staring at the wall behind me, before finally shaking his head.
“I should have protected you from him,” he whispers back.
I lean forward and rest my forehead on Jeremy’s chest.
“No,” I reply, although I know my words are slightly muffled. “We talked about this. It wasn’t your fault.”
I lean back and look him in the eye again.
“You are what kept me sane, Jer. Knowing you were out there and that you loved me and you didn’t think the horrible things Frank said you did.”
Mack’s arms begin to release when he sees Jeremy isn’t going to throw any more punches. Jeremy takes the opportunity to shift his body so he’s leaning back against the wall. But he doesn’t say anything. He just stares blankly at the ceiling, tears streaming from the sides of his eyes, down his cheekbones to his neck.
I scoot over and sit next to him, just how we sat a few weeks ago in my kitchen when I first told him what happened. I lean my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his muscular right bicep, trying to think of words that can comfort him.
“I promise you that I’ve never wanted to hurt myself again. I just had one moment of weakness where I couldn’t see any flicker of hope. But my life is so different now, and you’re a big part of that. Your support and encouragement and love. It helps make me feel strong.”
He lets out a long exhale and then leans his head down, placing a kiss into my hair.
“We’re a mess, kid.”
I laugh a little, wiping away the last of my tears.
“But we’re gonna be okay,” I reply.
And when we both lift our heads and look at each other, I know we both believe it’s true.
* * * * *
The three of us slowly make our way to the parking lot outside of the arena. I told Mack that before I get on the bus back to the hotel with the team, I wanted to see my dad. Jeremy said it was a bad idea, but relented when I told him I needed to say something to him that was important.
Mack has stayed mostly quiet in the moments since Jeremy’s breakdown in the tunnel, but I can tell he’s brimming with questions. As Jeremy walks ahead of us, I hang back just a few feet and let my fingers brush against Mack’s palm.
“We’ll talk,” I say quietly. “Don’t worry.”
He looks relieved, and opens his mouth to say something when he’s interrupted by an irate Jeremy.
“Where the fuck is my car?” Jeremy shouts.
My head whips to the left, then I let my eyes roam over the few dozen cars still parked and the families and spectators walking through the lot towards their own vehicles.
“Are you sure you parked it here?” I ask, walking away from him to scan further down the line. A black SUV isn’t going to stick out like a sore thumb, not like my Trusty Rusty does.
“Yes, Rachel, I’m not a complete idiot,” Jeremy calls out to me as he walks in the other direction.
I laugh as I turn away from him, cutting between a few cars to go to the next lane and continue the search.
“You sure about that?” I call back even louder, a teasing lilt to my voice.
When I emerge from between two vehicles and step out into the next lane, there are no cars driving anywhere near where I am walking. Which is why I’m startled when I hear a screech from behind me.
I turn my head just slightly but before I can see anything I feel a sharp pain on my right side.
I feel my feet lift off the ground and wind rushing around my body.
And then I don’t feel anything.
Chapter Nineteen
The first thing I hear is a siren.
It’s really far away, but getting louder by the second.
Then I hear voices.
Lots of them.
I hear someone shouting.
Then others talking around me in hushed conversations.
And then I hear whispers right by my ear, so close I’m surprised it wasn’t the first thing I heard.
“You have to be okay,�
�� the whisper says. “Please, please be okay.”
And then I feel soft lips on my forehead and fingers holding tight to mine.
I groan and instinctively try to curl up on my side.
“Oh, thank god,” the whisper says on an exhale. “RJ. RJ it’s Mack. Just stay still for me okay?”
I open my eyes then, and find his beautiful chocolate ones peering down at me.
“Hi,” I say.
He smiles.
“Hi pretty girl,” he responds, lifting my hand and kissing my knuckles, holding my hand to his chest while he reaches over and places his other hand on the top of my head.
I smile back, although weakly.
“I think I’m okay,” I whisper. “I don’t think anything’s broken.”
He nods, still smiling at me.
“I think you’re right. But I want you to stay still until someone with a lot more knowledge can take a look and tell you for sure, okay?”
“Okay.”
We stay staring at each other as the siren gets louder. Mack kneeling on the asphalt next to where I’m lying on my back, holding my hand, stroking his thumb along the back. When the responders finally pull into the lot, and their lights pass over his face, I can see that Mack’s eyes are glistening, and there are a few tear tracks down his face.
I lift the hand he holds and place it against his face.
“I’m okay,” I whisper.
He nods and turns his face in my hand, kissing my palm.
The next hour goes by fast and slow at the same time.
The police arrive first, and they arrest my dad for driving while intoxicated, along with a few other things. You know, because he hit a person, then crashed into a parked car, then got out of his car and tried to stumble down the road.
The paramedics arrive next and look me over. They clean up my few cuts and decide it’s best for me to go to the hospital to get checked out, since I’m feeling a decent amount of pain in my right thigh and hip. But they tell me I don’t have to be transported by the ambulance, which is great because: expensive.
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