“I don’t know what to think! I don’t know what to feel! I’m not sure I feel anything. Jackson, shouldn’t I…shouldn’t I feel something?”
“You’re probably still in shock, and you’re hurt, and then there’s the tea they gave you. It has a sedative of sorts in it.”
“Oh,” she said, her voice sounding hollow.
“Lillian? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but… Can I hold you? It’s killing me, listening to you cry and not being able to hold you in my arms.”
“What’s stopping you?”
“I don’t want—” Jackson paused and wiped stubbornly at the tears rolling down his cheeks. “I don’t want you to push me away,” he whispered, embarrassed as he revealed to her that simple truth. “I’m not him. I could never…I could never hurt you like that.”
“I know that.” Lillian sat up and faced him. “I’m not going to push you away.”
Jackson reached out tentatively and swept his hand lightly over her hair. He released a heavy sigh leaning in towards her and touching his forehead to hers.
“I should have taken you with me,” he said. “This wouldn’t have happened if I had taken you with me.”
“Don’t do that.”
“I’m so bloody sorry that you had to go through that.”
“Enough about me for now. Tell me what you did today.” Lillian turned around and lay down, pulling Jackson down with her.
“Me? Nothing much.”
“Come on, it’ll cheer me up. Your day had to have been better than mine.”
“Let’s see. I rode all night so that I could blow up a train. It was quite the explosion by the way. But, people got hurt and killed. Not soldiers, just casualties of war. Then, I watched a friend die at my hands. And finally, after riding all day through the scorching hot desert I had to exact vengeance on my wife’s would-be rapist.”
Lillian rolled over. “Remind me not to play this game with you again.”
“Wish it was just a game,” Jackson said. “I’ve got so much blood on my hands I—”
“What happened?” Lillian reached up to caress his cheek. “You lost one of the men?”
“Jemal.”
“No! How, Jackson? What happened?”
“He tripped with a blasting cap. It blew a hole in his belly.”
“So he died instantly?”
“No, not exactly. He couldn’t be helped. He wasn’t going to make the trip back. I tried to make it as quick and as painless as I could. I tried—” His resolve started to crumble.
“It’s okay, Jackson. You did the right thing.”
“I killed him.”
“It was an act of mercy,” soothed Lillian as she ran her fingers through his hair. “You didn’t want him to suffer.”
Jackson reached up and stilled her hand. “Don’t kid yourself. I’m not a saint. I’m just a man, love. I can tell myself that killing Jemal was about mercy. But, Preston, that was about revenge, plain and simple.”
“Are you telling me that you… You killed Preston?”
“Yes.”
“How?” asked Lillian as she choked back a sob. “Why?”
“Why? I can’t believe you would ask that. I made it quick. It’s done. He’s gone, buried in the desert.”
“Jackson—”
“I want you to know, I’m not proud of what I did. I’d do it again, though. I’d do it again in an instant. He never should have touched you.” Jackson reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and she flinched. “You pulled away,” he said, his voice cracking from emotion.
“I didn’t mean to.” She was trembling almost uncontrollably. “It’s…it’s just too much. I don’t— I can’t— I need air!”
Lillian scooted away from him, out of reach. Mindless of her condition, she climbed to her feet and stumbled towards the tent’s entrance.
“Let me get you a robe, love. You’re not dressed. I’ll take you out for some air,” Jackson said, resisting the impulse to stop her.
Lillian looked down, and then swayed.
Jackson jumped to his feet, and quickly swept her up into his arms. He carried her back over to the pallet and dropped to his knees before moving into a sitting position.
“I’ve got you, love.” He held her in his lap, rocking her back and forth.
“It could have been you who was killed today, Jackson,” Lillian said. Grasping him tightly, she started to cry again.
“I know, but it wasn’t. I’m right here,” he said, his own eyes once again brimming with tears.
“Please don’t die on me, Jackson! Please! Was it only a couple days ago you were saying you had never been so happy? How did everything change so fast? I want that other life back! How did everything go so wrong so fast?”
“I don’t know, love. There’s so much I don’t know. But I do know that I want to spend my life with you. I’m going to insist that you go back to America, love. There’s going to continue to be danger here. Death and destruction are all a part of war. There’ll be no avoiding it.”
“You don’t want me anymore? Because of what happened you don’t want me anymore?”
“No! It’s not that. It’s just the opposite, Lillian. I just need to know you’re safe, out of danger. That you’re there to come home to.”
Jackson leaned forward and captured her lips in a tender kiss. He then lowered her back onto the pallet and carefully molded his body to hers in a protective embrace.
“I love you,” he whispered in her ear. “I’ll love you forever.”
“I love you, too, Jackson. But I’m not leaving you. You’re stuck with me.”
“Stubborn chit, always giving me a hard time.”
Lillian smiled and snuggled closer to him. Within seconds, she had drifted off to sleep, safe and secure in her lover’s arms.
Jackson continued to stare into the darkness for a long time. He listened to the sounds of her steady breathing and tried to memorize the feel of her body, pressed up against his.
“You have to go on living,” he whispered to her in the darkness, hoping that one day she would understand and forgive him. “If we’re lucky, we’ll both make it. But if it’s going to be just one of us who does, I want that to be you.”
Chapter Seventeen
Lillian rolled over. Once again, despite exhaustion, she was unable to sleep. They were on the last leg of their arduous journey. Tomorrow, they would attack Aqaba. But it wasn’t only the battle to come keeping her awake, it was also the one silently playing out between her and Jackson. Truth be told, she was fairly confident they would take Aqaba. After all, the element of surprise was on their side. Her fate and Jackson’s? She was far less confident about.
Since the incident with Preston he’d been slowly but surely slipping away from her. They were making love less and less, perhaps for a variety of reasons. She kept reminding herself that as they traveled sleep was minimal, so was privacy. But they’d gotten past those barriers before. No. It was more than that. Jackson had been showing increasing restraint, his touch had become tentative and uncertain. That change in his behavior had, in turn, made her feel more and more undesirable, more and more unloved.
She listened to his slow, even breaths and tried again to fall asleep. It was no use. She couldn’t. In the morning they would be moving into battle. She knew there was a chance one of them, or both of them would die, and too much had been left unsaid over the past few weeks.
Lillian left their bed and searched through Jackson’s saddlebag until she found his bottle of scotch. Then she walked with it and a blanket out into the desert. That was how Jackson found her. Alone, sitting on a blanket in the sand, sipping on his scotch.
“You’re drinking?”
Lillian rolled her eyes at him and tilted the bottle to her lips.
“Why?” he asked, obviously concerned. He sat down alongside of her.
“I’m trying to forget.” Lillian looked off into the dessert.
“It’s just going to take time, l
ove. What Preston did to you—”
Lillian turned back towards him. “Not Preston, you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you.” She tilted the bottle again to her lips. “I’m trying to forget that you used to make me happy. Trying to forget how good it was.”
“Christ, Lillian. I’m doing the best I can here. I can’t do this any better. I’m holding back as much as I‘m able to, trying to give you space, trying to be tender and careful. Trying to—”
She angrily shoved him before climbing to her feet and stomping off. “You’re so stupid!”
Jackson jumped up and followed her. Reaching out, he grabbed her wrist, the one holding the bottle. “I think you’ve had enough!”
“I’ve only had a sip! Or six.” She struggled to wrench her wrist from his grasp. “You’re hurting me!”
Jackson quickly released her wrist. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not. It was the first time you’ve touched me and meant it in weeks.”
He grasped her shoulders. “What do you want from me!”
“Nothing! Everything!”
He stepped away from her and turned around, breathing rapidly.
“Don’t turn away from me, Jackson.” She walked around him and faced him.
He looked at her and she saw it in his eyes.
“You’re afraid,” she gasped.
Jackson snickered. “Bloody terrified is more like it!”
“Of what?”
“Hurting you! Losing you! Losing what we have! Losing myself! Take your pick, Lillian.”
“Hurting me how? During sex?”
“No,” he muttered staring at the ground. “Worse.”
“Worse?” She suddenly felt sick to her stomach.
Looking at her steadily, he said, “I’m going to send you away. After Aqaba, you and I are going to make the journey back to Cairo together, just the two of us. We’ll report in to Hornby, then we’re going to say goodbye.”
“What? No!”
“Yes,” Jackson said, resignation evident in his tone. “I’ve made a commitment to Hassan, a year of service. It’s going to be dangerous and I don’t want you there. I don’t want you in the line of fire. I don’t want you to see…”
Lillian squeezed his hand and swallowed. “Go on, Jackson.”
“I don’t want you to see what I’m going to have to do, what I’m going to have to become to survive. I don’t want you to see all the death and the killing. It’ll change you. It’ll change the way you look at me. God knows it’s changed me. You’ve changed me. You’ve made me feel and now it’s all so bloody hard!”
“There are always casualties—”
“These are men. I’m going to be responsible for getting some of them killed. Normally, I’d cut myself off from them, all of them because I know I’m going to lose some of them. It’s how I’ve handled things. I’ve always cut myself off. Always… Being a soldier it’s necessary, it’s—”
“Oh, you’re insufferable. You think I don’t understand? I’ve seen things! And, I see you!”
Jackson shook his head. “You don’t know me.”
“Look at me.” She reached up and caressed the side of his face. “I see you. You’re kind and you’re strong, Jackson. And tomorrow? Tomorrow, you’ll lead us to victory. Then we’ll go to Cairo, just like you said, just the two of us. We’ll report in to Hornby…”
Jackson took her face in his hands and leaned down to rest his forehead against hers. He sniffed and swallowed down the lump in his throat.
“I’m ready for a normal life. I want a normal life. It’s so close and within my reach I feel I can taste it. For the first time I believe it might happen and the fact that this chance could just slip through my fingers, the fact that I could lose you… It terrifies me.”
“You’re not going to lose me. But you’ve got to promise not to shut me out. I understand that you want to see me back safely in the States. I get that. If you end up convincing Hornby to send me back, I’ll go, obviously. I’ll have no choice. But until then? I need you, all of you. Please, Jackson.”
He nodded. “I need you, too. I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this.”
“I’m not an expert either.”
“You won’t fight it? If Hornby discharges you, you won’t fight it?”
“I won’t fight it. I’ll abide by his decision,” promised Lillian. “But I have one condition. A point on which I’m not willing to negotiate.”
“What’s that?”
“You. You have to come home to me.” Lillian dropped the bottle of scotch and crushed her lips to his in a heated kiss.
He gasped in surprise and she slipped her tongue inside his mouth, exploring the familiar territory with new abandon. Jackson wrapped his arms around her and pulled her flush to him.
Lillian could feel his body starting to respond to hers and she pressed into him rubbing up against his erection.
They fell to the blanket in a tangle and made love in the dunes, under the stars. Knowing they were about to risk everything, they poured all their fears and doubts into their passion, recapturing in that moment what had somehow been lost.
They entered Aqaba mid-day, when the sun was at its most scorching. The blockhouse was targeted first. The small fort was the enemy’s stronghold, but they weren’t expecting the attack. They certainly weren’t prepared for the massive amount of explosives and artillery used to first take the blockhouse, then the city.
Lillian surveyed the scene before her. It wasn’t at all what she had anticipated or imagined. She thought this would be different from what happened at Wadi Turras. But it wasn’t different. Chaos reigned. The smell of burning buildings and death permeated the air. The Turks were putting up little resistance and the men, the ones she had grown to trust, were being unnecessarily brutal.
She reached out and grabbed hold of Abdulla. “Make them stop! We’ve captured the city—”
Jackson rode up to them, sweat dripping from his face. “They’ve killed hundreds, my lord.”
“You wanted the city, Jackson. The men wanted revenge. Today, we all get what we want.”
“We’re supposed to take those that surrender as prisoners,” Lillian interjected.
Abdulla shrugged. “Tell them that.”
“Damn you!” Jackson shouted before heading back into the fray.
Lillian was furious. “You know the men won’t listen to him as long as you tacitly stand by and condone this. He’s wasting his breath and you’re putting him in danger, you’re putting them all in danger. Things are out of control.”
For a moment, she thought he might relent. But he hesitated and Lillian had run out of patience.
“Jackson!”
Just as Lillian called out to him, a stray bullet hit his horse. It went down midstride. Jackson was thrown clear, but he lay in a crumpled heap on the ground.
“Jackson!”
Heedless of the danger, Lillian took off running, heart pounding. She didn’t make it more than a few meters before being tackled from behind. As she started to go down her attacker twisted and turned, absorbing most of the blow.
“Stop!” It was Abdulla. His arms were wrapped in a vise-like grip around Lillian as she struggled against him.
“Let me go!”
“You’re not going anywhere. I’m going.” He released her and the two of them scrambled to their feet, facing off against one another. Then Lillian stood rooted to the spot in shock while Abdulla mounted his steed. “I gave him my word that if anything happened to him I would look after you. Stay put. I’ll bring him back.”
Before she had a chance to respond, Abdulla was gone, charging into battle. Jackson had led the men here to Aqaba. Abdulla brought them back to themselves, ordering them to curb their bloodlust, restrain their unbridled thirst for revenge, and follow the orders of the British soldier that had handed them victory.
By the time Abdulla reached Jackson, he’d recovered from the fall and was sitting up, blood dripping down the
side of this head. Abdulla dismounted and extended a hand to Jackson, helping him first to his feet, then after they exchanged a few words, onto Abdulla’s horse.
“Take the men prisoners,” Jackson yelled. Then he turned his horse, surveying the perimeter. As soon as his eyes connected with Lillian’s across the battlefield he set off at a gallop towards her. The ground that separated them was littered with bodies. The scene was gruesome and grisly. But that’s not what Lillian focused on. Instead, she focused on being thankful that it was over and that Jackson was safe, at least for now.
“Ready to go to Cairo, love?” he called out as he approached.
Lillian had already slipped into her saddle. “Ready to get away from here,” she said. “But you’re hurt. You should take some time to recover.”
Jackson shook his head. “I’ll recover along the way. We’ll rest tonight and leave in the morning. You with me?”
“Always.”
Jackson and Lillian arrived in Cairo after weeks of traveling by camel through the desert. When they walked into the officer’s bar, heads turned and eyebrows raised. The news of their arrival reached Hornby quickly.
“Lieutenant Crawford,” Hornby said in greeting as he approached their table.
“General Hornby,” Jackson responded with a curt nod before once again bringing the glass of scotch he’d ordered to his lips.
“It’s customary to report in at headquarters before retiring to the bar.” Hornby pulled out a chair and sat down. “I see that you and Miss Drake found one another. Any success?”
“It’s Mrs. Crawford. And, yes. Aqaba is ours. We crossed the desert and took it by land in a surprise attack. It’s under the control of the Bedu and Hassimi. I had to make some promises to get it done. I’ll go over those with you later. It’s been a long journey. Right now, we’d like to retire.” Jackson reached for Lillian’s hand.
The general’s eyes widened as he scooted back his chair. He looked at Jackson with concern and then cleared his throat and leaned towards Lillian. “My dear, how long—”
The Soldier & The Spy Page 17
