by Solet, Trina
When Mrs. Neiman came over that evening, she brought with her a notepad and asked for a list of rules regarding Julie that Tyler didn’t have.
“Whatever you think is reasonable,” he told her.
She also got phone numbers in case of emergency – his, Jake’s, his mother’s, Fiona’s, Silvia’s and even Jo’s. She seemed to want more of them. It looked like she wanted to fill her notepad with information and instructions. She was going to be a blast. Her diligence did reassure Tyler even if it meant a boring night for Julie. Since she was willing, Tyler had her start that night.
He and Jake were leaving to go out right at Julie’s bedtime. There was a get together for one of Jake’s former coworkers who was retiring. He wanted to stop by.
Tyler tucked Julie into bed while Jake waited.
“I’ll be back later. Good night, sweetie.” He kissed the top of her head, and she smiled up at him.
Though he had planned to leave, Tyler kneeled by her bed and waited for her to fall asleep. When he tried to apologize to Jake for making him wait, Jake told him, “I saw what you were doing. You were being a dad. That’s who you are now.” Jake put his arm around him and squeezed him while they waited for the elevator.
As they walked out of his building into the cool, night air, Tyler wondered if he was really a different person now that he was a dad. If he was, then he was better for it. Every minute with Julie, he felt rewarded, like she was always giving him little gifts. His heart swelled when she smiled or laughed. And earlier that evening, she called him “Dad!” in a panic because a stack of towels fell on her from the linen closet. He couldn’t wait for her to say it again.
Tyler knew his social life was going to take a hit now that he had Julie in his life. That made him worry about what he would be missing out on, but it couldn’t be helped. Tyler almost felt like a whole world of fun was shutting its doors in his face. But Julie was worth it. He wondered if his life might take a turn toward more serious relationships. The kind of guys he usually dated, if you could even call that dating, were not a good fit for a guy with a kid at home. And he couldn’t see most of them wanting to stick around if a child was in the picture. Tyler decided to keep an eye out for an incredibly hot guy of good character, someone Julie could like as well.
Their first stop after Jake put in some time with old coworkers was a club that seemed kind of dead. Just as Tyler was telling Jake that the retirement party they just left had more life to it, a nerdy guy approached them.
“Hi. I’m Sid. I think you know my Aunt Mimi, Silvia Armstrong’s friend,” he said to Tyler. He acknowledged Jake only with a quick smile.
“Oh, right,” Tyler said still unsure what was going on.
“Congratulations on being a new father,” Sid said.
“Thanks.”
“Must be great. Umm, I have kind of a confession to make.” Sid hesitated before he continued. “Aunt Mimi asked me to check you out on behalf of her friend Silvia.”
“That’s new. Usually no one needs to ask guys to check you out,” Jake said to Tyler.
Sid continued his confession.
“So I did some checking online and asked some people about you. I didn’t hear anything bad.”
“Then you didn’t talk to the right people,” Jake threw in.
“I’m surprised no one told you I was asking questions about you,” Sid said.
“They probably thought you wanted to date me, do me, stalk me, or kill me,” Tyler told him.
“Oh, I know you wouldn’t look at me twice,” Sid said with a shy smile. But he wasn’t so bad, and Tyler told him so.
“I already looked at you twice,” Tyler said. Sid actually blushed.
Tyler told him it was OK, and he left. They saw him join a group of less than attractive guys.
“So that doesn’t bug you?” Jake asked.
“No. If anyone is going to hand over my kid to someone, they better do some checking first,” Tyler said. He would have probably hired a private investigator not enlisted someone’s nephew.
“Being a father has totally warped your perspective,” Jake said like he expected Tyler to get mad or at least offended.
“Damn right. Now let’s go ruin my reputation,” Tyler said and led the way out. It did irk him a little that he came off so squeaky clean.
After they squeezed into some better clubs, where Tyler’s reputation stayed sadly intact, they decided to wind down with a walk. The fresh air helped to sober them up a little. Taking a bench that looked out over the river, they sat and talked. Jake wanted to know what Leslie was like, what it was like being with her. Tyler had already told him, but it was a long time ago.
It was interesting to Jake because he had never played the game of trying to be straight. His family was full of obnoxious oddballs as well as a few gay uncles and lesbian great aunts and cousins scattered around. Jake being gay didn’t even register.
Since Jake lacked the experience himself, Tyler had to keep him from getting too much information out of him. It didn’t seem right to discuss Leslie, the mother of his child, the way he had once upon a time. His discretion prompted Jake to accuse him of romanticizing the whole thing retroactively.
“She gave you a kid. I guess now you have to like her.”
“I always liked her. Leslie was a great girlfriend. If I could have loved any girl, I would have loved her.” Tyler smiled at a memory of her. “One time she put on my boxers and danced around topless. And I remember thinking, ‘I want my underwear back’ when I knew I should have been thinking ‘That’s hot.’”
Jake looked at him sharply.
“Is that why you put on my boxers after we do it?”
“You object?” Tyler asked.
“No. It’s sexy as hell.”
“I know.”
“So Leslie taught you that.”
“We can give her credit if you want.”
Tyler had done it on an impulse when he and Jake first slept together. After that it became a tradition.
Now Jake moved on to what Leslie hadn’t done regarding Julie.
“So you don’t resent her for not telling you that she had your kid?”
Tyler wasn’t going to lie.
“Sure I do. Julie was a baby once, and I missed all that. She learned to walk and talk. I missed all of it. But Leslie will miss everything from now on. And Julie misses her so much.”
At those words, Jake had on a look of understanding which he reserved for special occasions.
“And there’s something else,” Tyler had to admit. “If Leslie had told me then, I don’t know how I would have taken the news. It’s different now, being able to look at the actual Julie and see how great she is. It’s easy to love her. It’s harder to love a pregnancy when the relationship is over. Especially when it’s a relationship you didn’t want in the first place.”
But Jake dismissed his doubts about himself.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit. You would have stepped in, helped raise your kid. End of story.”
“I would be a different guy now.” Being a dad at nineteen would have changed his life.
“What? You would have a house with a yard and all that crap?” Jake shuddered. He practically had a phobia of suburban life.
Tyler and Jake walked home with their arms around each other, mostly so they could lean on one another. Tyler tried to imagine living a different life. Would he have taken the risk and started his own company, or would he have a corporate job right now? Would he even know Jake? That was unthinkable. No matter how different his life might have been, there would have to be room in it for Jake.
Chapter 8
Next time Silvia came by to check up on Julie, she told Tyler that she was going to visit Carl’s grave Saturday. She offered to take Julie with her.
Despite how he felt about Carl, Tyler was very aware of how important he was to Julie. Just as he decided to take her there himself, Silvia said, “I don’t know how you feel about coming along. Leslie is bu
ried there as well. You could pay your respects.”
Tyler immediately felt guilty for not thinking of that before. But he hadn’t thought of Leslie that way. He hadn’t thought of her in a grave. Even knowing she was dead, he still thought of her as the young girl he knew, quick to smile and quick to get mad though not for long. He told Silvia that of course he was coming with them.
When Tyler told Jake about his plans to take Julie to the cemetery where Leslie and Julie’s grandfather were buried, Jake disapproved of taking her to visit Carl Armstrong’s grave. He still held a grudge against Julie’s grandfather on Tyler’s behalf. Tyler found himself forced to defend the man.
“He was an asshole, but he took good care of Julie.”
“He kept her away from you,” Jake said.
“And I seduced his daughter under false pretenses and knocked her up too.” As Tyler said this, he felt stupid defending someone who didn’t deserve it.
Jake called him on it.
“Why are you defending him?”
“Because he’s dead, and I have Julie now.”
Jake didn’t accept that as a reason to absolve him of guilt. He had no tolerance for the intolerant or for anyone who tried to hurt Tyler. Tyler knew better than to expect him to back down. But he also knew that he could count on him to keep his opinion to himself around Julie.
After they parked and walked into the cemetery, Julie took a minute to orient herself. Then she pointed to the east, and Silvia confirmed that she was right. They walked in that direction. Along the way, there wasn’t much to see. From a distance the cemetery would look like a lawn. The graves were flat, set into the earth. Finding Leslie’s, they stopped and Julie clutched the flowers she had brought, holding them close to her. Under her name, Leslie’s grave marker had an engraving of an angel holding flowers. Julie pointed it out to him, saying it was pretty. Then she leaned down and said, “Hi, Mommy” in a whisper. She got down so she could touch the angel. Tyler stood over her and bit his lip. He wanted to cry for her and for Leslie, but he didn’t want to upset her with his tears.
Julie was sitting on Leslie’s grave carefully arranging the flowers they had brought. Tyler and Silvia stood far enough away so that they could talk without her hearing them.
“Julie was such a consolation to Carl after Leslie died,” Silvia told him. “He never admitted it, but I think Carl lived in fear that you would come along and take Julie away from him.”
“How did it happen?” Tyler asked. He knew Leslie had been hit by a car, but that was all.
“She was just going across the street to a coffee shop on her lunch break. Some of her coworkers saw it happen. One of them called Carl. I saw him at his desk when it happened. We worked together. That’s how we met. After that phone call came in, I saw him get up and sit down, get up and sit down. Seeing his face, I knew something terrible must have happened. When I asked, he couldn’t even speak to tell me.”
“How did Julie handle it?” Tyler wanted to know.
“She didn’t understand. She didn’t accept it. I think over time she finally understood as much as any child can.”
When they got home, Tyler decided to talk to Julie about the loss of her mother. He wanted to know her state of mind and help her if he could. They sat together on Julie’s bed, and Tyler held her hand.
“I had dreams about Mommy, and they were so real. I wanted to stay with Mommy and not wake up. But I would wake up anyway.” The look of sadness on her face was painful for Tyler to see.
“Did you cry?” Tyler asked her. He could see that she was holding back tears as they spoke.
“I tried not to cry in front of Grandpa because then he would want to cry too.”
“You are a good kid,” Tyler told her, but she disagreed.
“No! Before, I didn’t know dead was forever. And Grandpa tried to tell me, but I didn’t believe him. He said Mommy went to a better place, and she wasn’t ever coming back. I said she wouldn’t leave me. She wasn’t gone forever. She was coming back. And Grandpa said she wasn’t coming back. And I said she was. And he said she wasn’t. And I got mad, and I said he was a liar. And he said he wished he was a liar, and he cried. I made Grandpa sad.”
“No,” Tyler jumped in to say. “It wasn’t you. He was just sad that your mom was gone. It wasn’t you.”
She gulped almost like she was out of breath after saying all that. Tyler held her as she cried quietly.
Tyler called Jo to see if he wanted to do anything with him and Julie. He thought that after all that sadness, some time with Jo might cheer her up.
Going into Jo’s neighborhood, they passed a lot of discount stores, a dollar store, and some ethnic markets. It all got Julie’s attention, but Jo lived in a low rent area out of necessity. Jo’s family had money but not much else going for them. Worst of all, they considered Jo an embarrassment. They wanted him gone. Jo had come to some kind of agreement with his parents. They sent him money and paid for his college classes as long as he stayed out of their hair. In the meantime, Jo took a few classes, constantly changing majors, making it impossible for him to graduate. Whatever money he got from his parents was barely enough to live on. He earned some money of his own, but most of the jobs he took were very temporary.
As they went to pick him up, Julie asked if they could go up to his apartment.
“We don’t want to do that,” Tyler told her. “Jo lives with two mean sisters. They are from Iceland, and they like to pretend they don’t speak English. And sometimes they pretend that Jo is their brother.” They made convincing siblings actually. And maybe the girls would be nice to Julie, but Tyler wasn’t going to risk it.
“Maybe they aren’t mean. Maybe they just like to have fun. I’d like to have Jo as my big brother,” Julie said.
“You want a brother?” Tyler asked, a little surprised.
“Only a big brother. Some of my friends have little brothers, and little brothers are not good for anything.”
“I was a little brother,” Tyler told her.
Julie thought about that.
“Aunt Fiona was your big sister. Did she like you?”
“No.”
“Aha!” Julie said and nodded wisely, her theory about little brothers had been confirmed.
“Jo!” Julie said excitedly when she saw him coming.
“His real name is Jordan, but he hates it,” Tyler told her. He enjoyed the look of hate Jo gave him for that.
“Really?” Julie asked. She looked up at Jo more closely like she was looking for proof that he really was a Jordan.
“Of course I hate it,” Jo griped. “Real people aren’t named Jordan.”
“It’s a girl’s name,” Julie added and she wasn’t wrong. “Don’t worry. I’ll only call you Jordan when I’m mad at you.”
“That’s never gonna happen,” Jo said.
On their way to lunch, they stopped in some of those ethnic stores Julie was curious about. Jo showed her which was the good foreign candy and what to avoid. After lunch, they stopped to listen to a guy playing the violin on a street corner. Julie kept her fingers in her ears but still put money in his hat.
When they said goodbye to Jo, Tyler hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Jo looked at him like he was crazy.
“You make Julie smile,” Tyler whispered in his ear.
After Jo walked away, Julie asked, “Are you boyfriends now?”
“Sweetie, it takes a lot more than that,” Tyler told her.
Since Julie’s sadness was still weighing on him, Tyler took her to dinner at his mother’s. He had Julie call Fiona to invite her over too. They stayed late, and Tyler had to carry the sleeping Julie up in the elevator when they went home. While trying to keep her from being sad, he had exhausted her.
Chapter 9
When he picked her up from school, Tyler had promised Julie that they would go to see a movie. He hated to disappoint her, but suddenly he found himself stuck trying to manage a disaster. A client rejected their work finding it �
��highly unacceptable”. First Tyler had to keep the client from ditching them and taking the work elsewhere. Then he had to figure out the problem. He was tempted to just tell them to go to hell. But he thought he knew what went wrong. He went over it with his people and got things rolling. But he had to keep a close eye on everything this time. They couldn’t afford another screw up. When he told Julie that he had to work and that their movie night was off, she wasn’t happy but she accepted it.
It was a little later that things went haywire. The dining room was now transformed into Tyler’s office. He was busy and didn’t even notice she was there.
“You’re a liar!” Julie suddenly yelled from behind him.
Tyler turned to see her running off. He went after her and found her crying in her room.
“What is it, sweetie?” He touched her hair, but she shook him off.
“You’re a liar!” she repeated. Her face was scrunched up and tearstained, and Tyler had no idea why.
“What...”
“I saw you! You weren’t working. You were playing and watching cartoons. You didn’t want to go with me. You don’t like me. You were just pretending.”
The string of accusations floored Tyler.
“What? No. That was for work,” he told her. He had been watching a animation intro when Julie saw him.
“You’re a liar!” she said, refusing to accept it.
He tried again.
“It was for work. I promise.”
“Go away!”
“I’ll show you, OK? Come and see,” he said, but she just buried her face in her pillow.
Tyler sat with her for a while, trying to draw her out. For the first time Tyler had made her cry, and now he didn’t know how to make it better. He understood why she thought he was playing, but not how it snowballed into this. He wondered if it was the strain from all the changes in her life finally showing. Her words seemed like they were coming from someone else, like they came from long ago and meant something else. Tyler felt stupid and disoriented. He decided to let her cool down a little then try again later.
