by Emerson Rose
I don’t remember it, any of it. Watching that video is like watching a stranger. Someone wanted me to remember, though. They made damn good and sure of that with a video documentation of the entire night from the second we stepped out of my building until I disappeared out of the side door of the club into an alley at five in the morning, slumped in the arms of a man I’ve never seen before.
“Why are you up watching last night’s bar footage at this time of morning?” I ask.
“It’s three in the afternoon and it popped up on my Facebook news feed, I didn’t go looking for it.”
“Facebook?” I groan and pull my pillow over my face. “Why would anyone video me like that? And why don’t I remember any of it? God, Suki, please tell me you never left my side.”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember much after one in the morning except drinking and dancing.”
“But you woke up in your own bed? Alone?” I removed the pillow and squinted through the bright sunshine at my friend sitting on the edge of my bed. I reached out and felt around on the mattress next to me to make sure I didn’t bring my own nasty beefcake home with me.
The other side of my bed is empty, cool, and undisturbed. Thank God.
“Yeah. I was up at ten this morning and we were both alone and the door to the apartment was locked.”
I should be grateful for that, but what about the enormous gap between arriving at The Aquarium at eleven last night and… well, now?
“Tiana?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s not the only video.”
My heart was already pounding in my chest but now nausea is starting to make its way through my body. More videos? What could be worse than the five minutes of humiliation I just watched?
“What do you mean? What else?”
“I don’t think you want to see, but I thought I should at least tell you.”
“Where are they? Who’s posting them? Why the hell don’t I remember?” I grab my head and squeeze my eyes closed tight trying to pull the nonexistent memories from my fuzzy mind. “We had a lot to drink but I’ve never blacked out and lost time like that. Why did you leave me? You never leave me, we have rules.”
I throw my arm across my eyes and breathe in the smell of stale perfume mixed with cigarette smoke and something else I can’t quite put my finger on.
“I’m sorry, you know I would never leave you alone. I don’t remember leaving either. The videos are coming from club websites.”
“So, nothing private?” I reach down under the comforter as I’m speaking and check for my panties. They’re there.
“No, everything I’ve seen happened inside the clubs.”
“Do you think we were drugged? I mean do you feel like anything serious happened?”
“Serious as in we made fools of ourselves or serious as in assault?”
“The latter.”
“I don’t feel like anything happened, do you?”
I have no idea how I feel right now. I’ve been awake less than five minutes and I’m more confused than I’ve ever been in my life.
“I don’t know, I mean no, I don’t feel different and I’m wearing underwear so that’s good, right?”
She gives me a tiny shrug and lifts one side of her lip in a grimace. She doesn’t believe nothing happened, something is making her doubtful.
The other videos…
“Let me see them, I have to know what’s out there so I can try and fix it before anybody with Just Sing sees them and disqualifies me from the show.”
Her grip on her phone tightens and my eyes widen. “What is it? Why are you trying to protect me from this?”
“It’s just, I don’t know, I don’t think…”
I snatch her phone and roll away from her under the covers shielding the phone with my body in case she tries to take it back. She already has the link to The Aquarium pulled up and I click on it to watch what she doesn’t want me to see.
At first, it’s just more dancing, drinking, being fed drink garnishments and body shots. Then the person videoing becomes distracted by something happening to the left of me but I’m still in the shot.
I keep my eye on myself. I’m pressed up against a man with my arms around his neck when my body slumps. He scoops me up and carries me out the side door into the alley, the time stamp says 5:30 a.m. The person taking the video seems to realize I’m gone and moves to focus on someone else. I scour the rest of the footage looking for myself but all I find are drunken partiers who eventually make their way out of the club at closing time. I push my hand out from under the covers and blindly hand the phone back to her.
“Tiana… you don’t know, I mean maybe he brought you here and put you to bed like a gentleman.”
I whip the sheet from my head and sit up too fast. The room tilts and spins and my head feels like someone is shoving an ice pick into my ear.
“That’s exactly right, Suki, I don’t know, I’ll probably never know. But, to the rest of the world it sure as hell looks like I got trashed off my ass and let some stranger haul me out of the bar, and he was no gentleman.
A gentleman doesn’t pour tequila on a woman’s tits in a bar and licks it off while people shout profanities. I need to shower. I need to look myself over and try to figure out if anything happened. And then we must get those videos taken down. If anyone associated with Just Sing sees that, I’m done. They have a strict ‘good reputation’ clause in their audition paperwork and I signed it because I have always had a good fucking reputation.”
I risk falling flat on my face when I jump out of bed and head for the bathroom. The room spins again and I grab the wall on my way before shutting the door. Inside I press my back against the cool wood and brace myself before I look in the mirror.
When there is only one of everything around me instead of three, I turn and look at my reflection expecting the worst. Usually, after a hard night, I have black mascara streaks down my face and smeared lipstick. But not today, I look like I do every other morning.
I’m wearing my pajama top and panties. My face is free of makeup. My wavy brown hair is in a loose bun on the top of my head. One blue eye and one brown eye stare back at me while I try to remember the events of last night.
I touch my cheek and look down at myself running my hands over my torso feeling for bruising or scratches, but there is nothing.
I pull my shirt off over my head and toss it on the floor near the hamper and place my damp, nervous hands on the vanity. Leaning and twisting closer to the mirror, I check for any signs that I’ve been physically violated but there’s nothing. I step back and touch the waistband of my blue cotton panties. I freeze. I wore black lace last night, not blue cotton.
I lift my wide eyes to the mirror. Lost in thought, I trace my steps from last night, but my memories stop after my third martini.
I’m tired and weak. I need to shower. I slip off my panties and look them over until I’m satisfied they are fresh and clean. I toss them into the hamper next to the shower and see that my clothes from last night are on top of the pile, black lace panties included. Snatching them up I check for rips or tears but they are perfect other than smelling like alcohol and smoke.
Somewhat relieved, I turn on the shower. I’m about to wash away any trace of something I’m not even sure happened and I don’t care. I just want to be clean of the musty smell of the bar and the few sporadic memories of last night.
I wish I could turn back time. I would have stayed home and celebrated with an espresso and a good book instead of the black hole that last night turned into.
Chapter 2
Drake
“Hey, old man, you need your glasses?” Jayden says from my driveway.
“Watch it, Captain, or I’ll let it slip that you’ve been fraternizing with the general’s daughter.”
Jayden approaches with his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
“That’s not cool, man, I don’t even like her. It’s not my fault she follows me around like a
lovesick puppy. You know I’m messing with you. Where are your glasses, though?”
“Inside.”
“They aren’t helping you find the screw you’re looking for in there.”
“I’m well aware and I’m looking for zip ties, not a screw.”
“Oh really? You got something else inside you want to tell me about, or someone?”
I turn and give my best and most annoying friend, Jayden, a look of disgust.
“I’m not tying anybody up with zip ties you pervert. I’m bundling all of the electrical cords together so they aren’t lying around for me to trip over.”
“Ah, baby proofing, I get it.”
“Fuck off, Jay. If you’re not going to help me, take your ass home.”
“I’m messing with you. They’re in here,” he says opening a small drawer on my immaculately organized workbench. He takes out a handful and passes them to me and I take them and mumble a quiet thanks.
“You want some help?” he asks.
“No, you’ll just insult me, why would I want to listen to that?”
“I’m not gonna insult you, man. Come on, I don’t have anything to do; let me help.”
I don’t say anything but I leave the door between the garage and my kitchen open so he can follow me inside.
“What prompted this project?” he asked.
“I almost broke my neck,” I tell him.
“You’re getting clumsy in your old… never mind.”
“I hardly think thirty-seven is old.”
“It is if you’re ever gonna have a wife and some kids,” Jayden continues.
“You sound like my mother. Like I said, it’s not old.”
I squat down next to the television to zip tie the cords behind it securely.
“Oh, come on, you’re not going to spend the rest of your life alone in this house, are you? You need to stop messing around with all those one-night stands and find some hot young thing, make her your wife and pound a baby into her.”
I roll my eyes even though he can’t see me behind the TV. What a caveman. “So, you think I should pick up some random barfly and impregnate her so I don’t die alone?”
I look at him from behind the TV. His expression is one of utter confusion.
“Yeah, why not?” Jay asked.
I shake my head and stand up moving to the desk where I tripped over a stray lamp cord earlier today.
“There is a multitude of reasons but I’ll start with the most obvious, I’m slowly going blind. You know how strongly I feel about saddling a wife and children with that problem. And you know I don’t date. But if I did, I would date someone with a GPA above 2.0 who doesn’t have any sexually transmitted diseases. There are no such women at the bars you frequent.”
Jayden flops down on my couch with a grunt.
“You’re always making up excuses, I think you have commitment problems.”
I answered, “I’ve got problems all right.”
“Is there something you’re not tellin’ me, old man?”
“No, just the usual struggle of faking my way through the sight test at my yearly physical next week, so I fully qualify for a promotion. Nothing big.”
“Is it getting worse? You think you’ll be able to do it again this year?”
“It’s no worse since last weekend, but I’ve given my entire life to the Marine Corps and I want to be a Lieutenant Colonel before I go blind. If my failing vision fucks this up now, my life will have been for nothing.”
Jayden is the only person in the world other than my secret eye doctor and the people helping me get a service dog, who knows that my sight has been slowly deteriorating since I was twenty years old.
Macular degeneration of unknown cause is what they call it. A big, fat pain in my ass is what I call it and it couldn’t have chosen a worse time to progress. It’s not a severe setback, but the shadows in the center of my vision are becoming darker and I’m nervous about my upcoming vision test and physical.
“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out, I always do.”
Jayden’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he takes it out to read a text. I hope it’s something interesting that will make him change the subject.
“Fuck.” He sits up on the edge of the couch with his phone in both hands.
“What’s wrong?”
When he doesn’t answer, I cock my head to the side to see him better from my peripheral. He has a death grip on his phone and he’s shaking. I drop my zip-ties and carefully walk across the sparsely furnished room to see what’s got him so upset.
He’s watching a video that I can’t make out but it sounds like people in a bar or a club.
“That’s my little sister.” His voice is tight and strained.
“What’s she doing? You know I can’t see that tiny screen.”
“Practically fucking two guys on a bar in New York.”
“What?” I lean down over his shoulder and see a young woman dancing on a bar. “How can you even tell who that is? She’s not facing the camera and it’s blurry.”
“It’s her. She doesn’t do shit like this, or at least she didn’t use to.”
“Didn’t you say she was going to be on that singing show?” The video ends and he continues to stare at the screen.
“Just Sing, yes she was but not if they see this. I need to talk to her.”
“Who sent you the video?”
“Her roommate Suki.”
“Is she trying to get you to fly to New York and commit homicide?”
“Her text says she’s worried about Tiana.”
His phone rings in his hand startling him.
“Tiana? What the hell is going on there? I just got…”
It’s quiet while his sister speaks. I’ve known Jayden for seven years, we live next door to each other here in Jewel Falls, North Carolina, but I’ve only ever seen his sister from afar running in or out of the house. She wasn’t around much.
She was living in the dorms at college back then. Jayden insisted she go to school somewhere close to home in hopes that she would continue to live under his roof. She wanted to spread her wings and go to college out of state so they compromised.
Seven years her senior, Jayden is powerfully overprotective of his baby sister. He was more her father than her brother growing up after their parents died in a house fire. Losing both of your parents at the same time is tragic, but being moved from England to the US to live with an aunt soon after compounded the loss.
“Of course, alright I’ll see you Saturday then. We’ll figure this out, don’t cry, Tiana, please.”
He hangs up and slouches down into the couch.
“She’s coming home?”
“Yeah, she hasn’t come home since she moved to the city. She says I smother her.”
I sit on the edge of an oversized chair next to the couch and prop my elbows on my knees. “Do you?”
He doesn’t answer right away, he’s busy staring at the ceiling and thinking.
“Yeah, I do I guess, but it’s because I love her and she’s the only blood family I have left.”
“Maybe you can try to give her some space when she gets here. Did she explain what happened?”
“No, well, yeah sort of. She said they went out to celebrate her acceptance onto Just Sing and she got carried away but she doesn’t remember a lot of the night.”
He jumps up and turns for the door.
“I’m going to get her room ready. I’ll call you later.”
“Are we still on for drinks?”
“Yeah.” He stops in his tracks and turns to me. “Drake.”
“What?”
“Don’t get any funny ideas about my sister. I know you man and she isn’t your type. Got it?”
I don’t take well to being bossed around but I let it go in the light of what’s happening.
“Of course not. Wait, how old is she again?” I have to mess with him a little so he knows I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I would take advantage of
his sister.”
He narrows his eyes and his hands ball into fists at his sides.
“I’m fucking with you, go… make your sister’s bed or whatever.” I wave my arm toward the front door dismissing him.
“I mean it, hands off,” he warns as he leaves.
I roll my eyes and go back to zip-tying my cords. I would have loved to tell him I’m not interested in dating his sister if she looked anything like him but I think he’s had enough shit for one day.
Chapter 3
Tiana
“What do you mean you’re leaving?”
“I mean I’m going home to Jewel Falls to live with my brother.”
“You mean to visit, right? You’re coming home when this is all figured out, aren’t you?”
Suki is standing in the hall watching me pack with her hands on her hips and her mouth hanging open in disbelief.
“No, I’m going Saturday. I’ve been here for three years trying to break into the music business and I’m getting nowhere. Just Sing was my big opportunity and I blew it the other night when I got trashed.”
“You didn’t blow it. They’ll probably never see those videos. We had them taken down within twenty-four hours.”
I reach into my purse and toss her the letter I got in the mail today and go back to packing.
“What’s this?”
“Proof that I blew it.” The letter is from Just Sing regretfully retracting their offer due to my breach of their moral’s clause. Suki reads it and drops her hands to her sides blowing out a heavy sigh.
I can’t look at her. No one is more disappointed about this than I am but I’m sure Suki’s eyes are full of pity and I hate pity. Especially when this whole thing is my own damn fault.
I’m not meant to be a singer. I need to start accepting that.
“So, you’re just going to bail on me and leave me without a roommate? And what about your job? Who’s going to cover your shifts at the bar? You can’t just run away from your problems, Tiana.”
Oh yes, I can.
“I wrote you a check for two months’ rent, that should be enough time to find a new roommate. I called in and quit this morning. Jerry said he understood after what happened.”
