Thursday night I tossed and turned, unable to sleep. I missed his arms, his smell. My brain and heart were in turmoil, and I had no solution. Friday after school I camped out in the auditorium, too busy with last minute notes for the show to worry about my love life, and I was grateful for the distraction. Mom and Uncle Barry came to meet me back stage just before the curtain was about to rise.
“Hey there sweetie, are you nervous?” Mom said, as she gave me a hug.
“Oh, you know how I am,” I said. “The nerves fuel the energy. But these kids are good. Great, even. I’m so proud of them. They’ve worked so hard on this.”
“Well, they have you to thank for that. I’m sure we’ll enjoy it,” she said. “Come on Barry, let’s go find our seats and leave this boy to his business.”
“I’ll be along in a second, dear,” he said, and she nodded and wandered off through the door. “Hey, Dolly,” he said, looking at me quizzically. “What’s up? Something went wrong, didn’t it?”
“Horribly,” I nodded. “I pushed too far. I’m pretty sure I scared him away for good.”
“Well, remember what I said. If that’s his choice, then it’s his to make. He may just realize what he’s missing and come around. But there’s nothing you can do about it right now. The show must go on! Break a leg. We’re proud of you, Derek.” He squeezed my arm and turned to go find Mom.
I peaked through the curtain as the stage manager called places. I could see Bammy, Kit, Tommy, Mom, Uncle Barry… and no Luke. I didn’t expect him to come, but much like that time I ran an extra lap at the lake, I was cashing in all my wishes, hoping the heavens would prove me wrong.
The show went off without any major disasters. We had a dancer slip and fall onstage during “Hand Jive,” but she got right back up and kept going. A few light cues didn’t go exactly as planned, but no one forgot their lines, and the kids sounded amazing. The curtain came down and they all gathered on stage for their final bow to receive their praise from their family and friends.
I clapped hard from the safety of stage right as the kids were showered with well-deserved accolades and a standing ovation. My Sandy and Danny walked down center stage, arm in arm, and held their hands up to quiet the crowd.
“Thank you, thank you, so much!” they said. “We’d just like to say a special thanks to someone we couldn’t have done this without. We are so happy you are our teacher, director, and biggest supporter. Mr. Walter, come on out and give a bow. Can we make some noise for Mr. Walter?!”
Blushing, but thrilled, I walked out onstage to give my two leads a hug, then turned to wave at the audience as they applauded. The follow spot was directly on me, and with the bright lights I could barely make out any faces in the crowd, but I could see someone walking swiftly from the very back of the auditorium, down the center aisle. As they approached nearer to the stage, I could see that it was a man carrying a huge bouquet of flowers that obscured his face. I started to sweat as he got closer and closer. Did he really come? Did he bring me flowers?!
“Bravo!” he said, as he thrust the bouquet up towards me, and I bent down to take them from his hands.
My heart was pounding. It was David.
20
TOGETHER, AGAIN?
Everything around me was happening in slow motion.
I had the flowers in my hand and David was staring up at me, grinning from ear to ear. The audience was clapping and the stage manager was signaling for us to step back, as the final curtain was about to come down. We took a few steps backwards and the kids erupted in wild cheers backstage, patting each other on the back and hugging. They were beyond pumped, and they deserved to experience every second of that joy. They earned it.
But I couldn’t breathe. David? Oh, God, what is happening? What is he doing here?
I walked towards stage right with the enormous bouquet and leaned against the far wall, before the entrance to the dressing rooms. The kids were so high on life and so busy with each other that they hardly noticed me anymore. I had to go out there, right? I had to face him? And my friends. And explain this. But I couldn’t explain this. I just wanted to hide and hope that someone else would clean up my mess. Again. David, what are you doing?
I took three deep breaths and headed towards the exit, into the main auditorium. David was already standing near my mom and Uncle Barry. He had met them both in New York once, when they came to visit, but this was his first time meeting the Scooby Gang. As I approached, Barry saw me out of the corner of his eye and gave me a strange, uncomfortable smile, eyebrows arched dramatically. Psychically, he was telling me Just get through this, Dolly. Figure it out as it comes. Be strong. I gave a subtle nod, took another breath and walked up to them.
“Oh, honey, it was fantastic,” my mom said, kissing me on the cheek.
“Well done, kid,” Uncle Barry added. “You made us proud, as always.”
Kit, Bammy and Tommy gathered round to kiss and hug me, as well. David stood a little off to the side a bit, uncharacteristically quiet, but smiling his Cheshire Cat grin.
“Drinks at the Firelight?” said Bammy, breaking the tension. “I think we all deserve it after the last two weeks, don’t you?” Everyone was ignoring the elephant in the room, but this was one situation I had to take care of, on my own.
“You guys go ahead,” I said. “I’ll be along soon.”
“Well, us old fogies are heading home,” Barry chimed in. “Your mom and I have an appointment with a nightcap and our beds. It was a pleasure seeing you again, David.” Always the proper Southerner. “Have fun, kids.”
They all turned to leave, and I stood there frozen, unsure of what to say or do or think or feel. David was standing there, silent, with a contented smile on his face, hands folded in front of him like he was having a hard time containing his excitement. I could feel it. But at the same time, he was cautiously aware that I was trying not to freak out.
“Hi, Derek,” he said.
“Hey. That was a… surprise.” I was unsure of what to say.
“A good one, I hope?” He was so proud of himself, he was bouncing.
“Yeah, sure, it’s just… well, we haven’t really spoken since we, since I…” I stopped short of saying it.
“Since you abandoned me on a moving 4 train, on our way to get our marriage license?” he said. Oh, shit. Here it comes. “No, Derek, we haven’t spoken since then. But here’s the thing. It’s okay. What you did, I forgive you. I’m here to tell you I forgive you. I’ve been meeting with my therapist. You know Gerald? You remember Gerald? Well, Gerald says this is a classic case of someone acting out. You just needed to tell me what you felt, and you couldn’t say it. You did it the best way you could. I was smothering you. I get that! I was pushy. But you know me, Derek. I push with love! I meant well. I mean, we’d spent so many years together, of course planning a wedding seemed like the logical next step. Who cares about the Supreme Court, right? I mean, we’re in love! But that was my dream, Derek, and I pushed you into it. I know that now. I can be a force of nature, believe you me, I get that. HA! I should have my own reality show. That would be a hoot, right?! Can you imagine? Me on TV? But I’ve thought about it, and I don’t need that. The marriage, I mean. (I’d love the TV show!) I don’t need the ring, or the big wedding, and God knows we have enough stuff. I mean, can you imagine all those gifts? Yes, they’d be amazing, our friends have such good taste, of course. I mean, you’ve seen Marcos’s apartment, right? Amazing! But do we really need all that stuff? We could barely fit in our two small apartments as it was, we were gonna have to move to Brooklyn to afford a big enough place for all of that. And these days, we can’t even afford Brooklyn. HA! The hipsters ran the prices up. And I’m NOT living in Jersey. Ever! But I don’t want all that stuff, anyway. So I sat down with Gerald and figured it all out. I’m much better now, Derek. Trust me. Much better. Calmer. Centered. Can’t you tell? I mean, I feel like I radiate calm now, you know? You can feel it, right? So I was gonna call, but that felt so awkw
ard, so impersonal. I went online and looked it up and lo and behold, Mr. Walter’s a teacher! Thank God this school has a website, right? Otherwise I wouldn’t have seen it. I wouldn’t have known. And Grease?! We both loved Grease! It was a sign, I just knew it. So I talked it over with Gerald and Marcos, and they both agreed. I had to do it! I booked a ticket and voila! Here I am.”
“Here you are.” I smiled, meekly. Is this a dream? Am I still on stage? Someone please hand me my script, because I’ve forgotten my lines.
“And here’s the thing,” he continued. “Derek, we had a good thing going. And I want that back. I want you back. Now, I don’t expect you to pack your bags and jump on a plane with me tonight. That would be amazing, of course, but I’m not asking for that. So, listen, I’ve checked into the best little boutique hotel I could find in this charming little town of yours and I’m staying here all next week. Now, I don’t want to pressure you, I know you have things to think about. And if you need to get on the phone with Gerald, you just say the word. He can do video chat sessions with us too, of course. He’s very digital. Very savvy. A genius. He’s so good. Trust me. But right now I just want you to know I’m here. I’m here, Derek. I care. I do. I really do. And I’m ready to start all over again. Waddya say?”
What DO I say? Oh, God, what do I say?
“I… I… yeah.” I could feel the walls pressing in. “Yeah. We can talk. Tomorrow. Right now, I just need… I just need to think. I’ll call you. Tomorrow.”
And I turned to leave, shell-shocked. David is my past. Sure, it would be easy to step back into that life. Comfortable. But that’s just going through the motions. I need to stop looking for my happiness in others. I need to find it in myself. That’s why you came back home, Derek. But what about Luke? I can’t live in the closet again, like Uncle Barry. So I turn back to David, because it’s easy? Is that really a possibility?
■ ■ ■
I got into my car and stared out the windshield into the night. There was only one thing I could do, so I picked up the phone and dialed.
“Kit, it’s me.”
“Oh, baby, we were so worried! Where. Are. You? We’re at the Firelight waiting for you. And gossiping like hell, of course. But just ‘cause we love you. You know that.”
“I do. I know.” I said. “But I don’t think I can drink tonight. Or at least, I shouldn’t drink tonight. I just need my friends. All of you. Can we meet at Tommy’s? He has the best couch.”
“You got it, baby,” she said. “We’re on our way. I just need to pull Bammy away from this guy at the bar. But there’s no way she’s going home with him, anyway. He’s way too alternative for her. Not enough khaki for her in here, tonight, and she had to make do with what was on special, you know?”
“Oh, Kit, I adore you, you know that? I’m on my way.”
I don’t really remember getting on the interstate, or driving downtown. It’s as if Willie was on autopilot, and he just knew the way. People talk about muscle memory when it comes to working out, but I had muscle memory during emotional breakdowns, though I wish that weren’t the case. I’d had far too much practice with tears and second-guessing myself when it came to relationships. Why can’t this be easier?
I pressed the elevator button and rode the three flights up to Tommy’s apartment. I could have taken the stairs, but I didn’t want to exert any more energy than necessary. I just wanted to collapse and moan and have my friends tell me what to do, because I couldn’t think for myself right now.
Tommy opened the door and gave me a big hug as I walked in. “Hey, man. Kit and Bammy are in the kitchen,” he said. “They have a surprise for you.”
We walked together down the hall and to the left, and there it was, on the table. Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Chunky Monkey, New York Super Fudge Chunk, Cherry Garcia, Cookie Dough. They had all my favorites. I looked up at them and I could feel my face fall as the tears welled up in my eyes.
“Oooh, baby, no!” said Kit, as she rushed forward with Bammy, both of them hugging me tight. “Let’s get some sugar into you and you’ll feel better. Which one do you want?”
“All of them,” I sniffled. “Everything. Just put it all in a big ass bowl. Thanks, y’all. I really love you.”
“We love you too, Derek,” said Bammy. “You know we’re here for you. Now go get settled on the couch. We’ll be right in.”
Tommy was waiting for me in the living room. I took a seat in the big stuffy oversized chair, flung my legs over the edge and let my head drop back.
“Blaaaaaaaah,” I said. “I have no clue what I’ve done. My relationships seem to be a never-ending study in failure. Why does this shit happen to me?”
“Well, the way I see it,” he said as the girls walked back into the room, “you haven’t really done anything wrong. You tried with David, you tried with Luke. You have guts, man.”
“Or I’m just stupid,” I said.
“Well, there’s that.” Tommy smiled. “Though I’d say you’re more of a hopeless romantic… with a learning disability. But you know what? Here’s the truth. You get knocked down, but you get up again, and you keep trying. I admire you for that. So, now you just need to decide what to do next. No sense beating yourself up over the past.”
“He’s so right,” said Bammy, offering me a ginormous bowl of ice cream. “Even though that speech made me want to sing Chumbawamba. But he’s right. And that’s why we’re here. We can help. Let’s assess the situation.” Always the planner, that girl.
Bammy suggested that first we define where I currently stood with each guy, Luke and David, and then we discuss the pros and cons for each. We started with David, since he had most recently popped back into the picture so dramatically.
“Well, the current situation is this,” I began. “David and I dated for almost five years in New York, which is considered an eternity there. Couples never last that long, and if they do, they get married. But I freaked. He was smothering me, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I liked who I had become in those five years. It was a true case of ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ So I broke it off and came back here. Since then, I feel much more grounded, and being with all of you has made me feel really Southern again, and I like that. It feels good.
I took a big bite of ice cream, and continued. “Pros and cons? Well, the pros with David are that we spent five years together, and he knows my moods pretty damn well. He makes me laugh, we have a ton of friends in common, though they seem closer to him, than me. He introduces me to new things, he’s a foodie, and the sex was good, albeit a bit ‘normal’ towards the end. And I know he loves me. I never doubted that. The cons? He’s quite the personality. He can be pushy, use up all of the oxygen in the room, and really rub people the wrong way, even though I know it’s unintentional. He’s not a good listener, and he’s fairly opinionated. But, he says he’s changed. And I believe, at least, that he’s working on it.”
“Good,” said Bammy. “Keep going.”
“And Luke? Wow. Luke,” I said, “is like no one I’ve ever been with. When I came back here, I hated him on sight. I wanted to blame him for how I hated myself when I was growing up. He took all of that in stride, and pushed me to really give him a chance, in ways I hadn’t before with anyone else, while at the same time he was opening up to me. But I pushed him too far, and now, well, we aren’t anywhere. We never actually defined ‘us’ at all.”
The bowl was cold in my hand, so I set it down on the coffee table. “The pros? Well, he’s damn handsome. Pretty much my golden unicorn. That straight guy who isn’t straight, who I lusted after for years. He makes me feel warm and safe and protected, somehow. He’s ridiculously friendly, smart, athletic, and a great cook. The sex with him hasn’t progressed ‘all the way,’ if you know what I mean, but it’s incredibly passionate, and I have no doubts it will just get better. He knows my friends, and understands what it means to have grown up here. We can share that understanding. The cons? Well, there’s that big Southern closet, to begin with. H
e doubts himself, doubts the reaction his family and friends would have if they knew the truth about him. He’s afraid, and that’s hard to watch. I know he likes me. A lot. But he wants to keep me trapped in his house, and I need to breathe. I want to be seen with him, and not just pretend that we are friends or acquaintances. And I’m not sure when he will be ready for that, if ever. The thing is, I walked away from David, and now Luke just walked away from me. The irony isn’t lost on me.”
We all took a pause, and just stared at each other for a minute, each of our brains working overtime, trying to figure out the right thing to say to make sense of this jumbled situation.
“It’s okay,” I said. “This helped. I know what to do. I love you guys.”
I stood up, grabbed my jacket and walked out the door.
21
IN OR OUT?
I walked up to his door and rang the bell out of habit, but I was startled when it actually made a sound. He had fixed it. That made me smile, but then I remembered why I was there, and my smile faded as the nervousness grew inside of me.
I heard footsteps, then a pause.
“Luke? It’s Derek. Please. Can I come in?”
I heard the lock click, and for a second I wasn’t sure if he was locking or unlocking it, so when the light from the living room spilled out across the doorframe into the darkness of the night I almost began to cry again, but I knew I had to keep it together.
Home is a Fire Page 11
