“Perish the thought. Now be a good man and remove yourself from my presence.”
The Cyclops took a step closer to the woman. “The fact that I am allowing you this unnecessary level of comfort does not mean that I have become careless. Snotwaddle has a vast array of defenses surrounding his estate which prevent unwanted visitors from entering. Happily, these same defenses work just as well at keeping guests in. Escape is impossible, I assure you.”
“Naturally, if the almighty Professor Snotwaddle devised these contraptions himself they cannot possibly be outwitted. Such a thing would be inconceivable.”
“Listen to me, woman. You try something stupid and I guarantee that the remainder of your journey will be as unpleasant as the law allows. I do not make idle threats, so you had best take my warning to heart. Additionally, nothing occurs under this roof that Hestia is unaware of. Nothing.” Hammett hesitated a moment, a stern, commanding expression focused squarely at the woman, and then exited the room, closing the door behind him.
“Bah! You hear all of that rubbish, Quasimoody? The insufferable tyrant is in dire need of a lesson in humility. Remember how the mighty do fall, you arrogant bully! Truly, his poor, one-eyed mother must be ashamed to no end over her complete failure to raise a decent man. Shameful, utterly shameful. Onto a more pressing topic, you haven’t perchance spotted anything worth drinking have you, my dear?”
“Ah man, this is amazing.” Alex sprawled out on his bed, arms and legs arching back and forth as though he were making “snow angels” on the silk comforter. It felt fantastic to have a separate room across the hall from Moody and Serene, the space to stretch out without bumping into the hunchback and the opportunity to not have to hear his boss spew out her unending flow of grating nonsense. To think that yesterday he sat in the filthiest cell imaginable, overwhelmed with anxiety, and now found himself unwinding in a veritable palace. “I have never been in anything this comfortable. Seriously. Who knows how much this bed cost. Must be a freaking fortune. You know, back home … well, it’s not really home, I guess … back at Serene’s mansion, the bed I had was like a … a beast that swallowed you whole and trapped you in its squeaking, rusty, prickly springs. Even the dead couldn’t get a good night’s rest on that thing. Word of advice: I suggest the crappiest goblin motel in the world over a room at Serene’s place any day. Trust me on this. Do they even have such things in your world … goblin motels, I mean?” he asked Vega, who leaned against the wall with a cool, contented smile. The Spaniard nodded in the affirmative. “That’s funny. I can only imagine. Anyway, this place … shoot, he’s got a freaking goddess for a housekeeper! Maybe I should ask if Snotwaddle is hiring?” Alex laughed so hard that tears welled up in his eyes. “Just don’t tell Serene I said that, all right? I think she’d kill me.” Vega nodded, a knowing smile on his lips. “No, really.” Alex’s voice lost its mirthful tone and became dead serious as he gave his last comments some additional thought. “Don’t let that get out. I have enough problems as it is.”
Chapter 9- Snotwaddle’s Garden
For the next several hours Snotwaddle’s guests were provided the royal treatment. Shortly after being brought to their rooms, Hestia returned and escorted the group to a delightful covered patio, part of the garden they had passed earlier. The air was crisp and joyful, soaked in the sweet smells of flowers in bloom all about them. On a table were set platters of cheese and fruits, along with pure, sparkling water and a couple of bottles of a light, fruity wine. After sipping this smooth, refreshing beverage, Serene demanded four additional bottles be brought in haste, along with several more to be deposited in her room for later. Between the wine, Hestia’s superlative hospitality, nature’s glorious beauty, and the no-less-important fact that empty bellies had been sated, before long one would imagine that the motley crew were one big, happy family. Not only did Serene manage to refrain from slipping out negative comments regarding Snotwaddle the entire time, but she even managed to be civil toward Hammett, especially after her second bottle of wine. Even the ever-tense Cyclops had allowed a calm to invade his posture, no longer wound like a spring ready to rocket off without warning.
Following lunch, Hestia bid them make themselves at home, and to feel free to explore the mansion at their leisure, while she returned to the kitchen to oversee preparations for dinner. Regrettably, the professor, who had not been seen since the guests’ arrival, would be preoccupied in his laboratory until the evening meal. Moody smiled with uncharacteristic enthusiasm when Hestia permitted the hunchback to join her in the kitchen. She was obviously thrilled beyond words to witness even a small glimpse of the secret culinary arts the goddess of hospitality possessed. Serene, meanwhile, preferred to return to her room and “test out the worth of that obscenely large bathtub,” as well as to verify her wine had been delivered. Hammett and Vega gave no indication of what they intended to do, and no one asked.
As for Alex, he decided to remain outside and explore the garden for a while. He had had the pleasure of visiting several botanical gardens back on the “other side,” and these visits had left him wholly impressed. But here, in Snotwaddle’s garden, he felt as though he had wandered into a little slice of paradise, and anything he had seen before might as well have been a patch of weeds. The sheer array of colors bombarding his eyes from every direction was almost too much to comprehend. Butterflies fluttered lazily here and there, while little bugs that reminded him of fireflies buzzed between petal and leaf—except that they glowed bright red and were easily spotted even in bright daylight.
“Oh my goodness!” Alex gasped. From out of a flower bush a dryad’s bulbous head popped out, eyes darting up and down in an attempt to size up this mysterious giant wandering about its territory. “Oh, man. This is so cool.” He knelt down slowly, thoroughly astonished, his eyes bugged out nearly as much as the dryad’s. “Hey there, little guy. How’s it going?”
“I strongly recommend you do not attempt to touch the beast.” Hammett walked up and gazed at the dryad wistfully.
“They probably bite, right?”
“No. Dryad’s mouths are toothless, so you have no need to fear injury. They can, however, when startled secrete a substance that burns like a son of a harpy and smells like a goblin outhouse … and will typically remain exceptionally potent for hours. The opportunity to sit at Hestia’s table is a rare privilege even among the elite of our world. It would be a shame for you to have to dine in isolation tonight because of a foolish run-in with one of Snotwaddle’s curiosities.”
“Thanks. I’ve learned to expect as much from just about every new thing I run into in your world. My new philosophy is: Look, but don’t touch. And if it moves toward you run like hell.”
The Cyclops laughed. “Those are wise words to live by.” He then breathed deeply and turned his gaze about the garden, his singular brown eye slowly panning the surroundings. For the first time since he had met the inspector, Alex got the feeling that the Cyclops wasn’t analyzing, dissecting, or calculating, but simply allowing himself to observe the beauty about them at face value.
“You probably don’t get to go to places like this very often, do you? I don’t imagine you take a lot of vacations and such.”
“I have not taken a vacation in thirty-seven years.”
“Thirty-seven? Jeez, man. Thirty-seven years? Seriously? That really sucks. You are allowed time off, right?”
“Of course I am, but I elect not to make use of it.”
“Do you make poor Vega work through his time off, too?”
Hammett chuckled. “No. I’ll freely admit that I’m an incredibly difficult man to work under, but I’m not quite the ‘one-eyed tyrant’ some may believe me to be. Vega happily makes use of his regular holidays to be with his family.”
“Vega has a family? As in wife and kids?”
“Yes, a very fine family. A beautiful, kind woman of a wife. And five lovely daughters. Why are you so surprised?”
“I don’t know. He’s just so … quiet
and … I don’t know. I guess I only see him as a detective. That’s great. I’m just surprised. Five daughters?” Alex laughed. “Poor guy.”
“My sentiments exactly,” Hammett agreed with a chuckle.
“So why do you ‘elect’ to work even when you don’t have to? Everyone needs to relax and get away from the daily grind and all that now and then.”
“I am not ‘everyone.’ I live for the hunt. My wife is the thrill of the chase, my children, each case I close, every criminal brought to justice. To spend a week idly, off meandering about a beach or an enchanted forest accomplishing nothing of merit? To me that’s more hell than holiday. I do believe I’d truly lose my mind.”
“Wow. Well, I don’t get the whole “my work is my wife” thing, but considering your … uh … social skills, I’m not surprised that you don’t have someone special waiting for you back home.” Alex chuckled and winked at Hammett playfully, who grinned back without offense. “Still, you have to admit it’s awful nice to have a moment like this now and then … just take it all in and savor it. Taking a break can be a very good thing.”
“I won’t argue the merits of catching one’s breath in a place such as this.”
“Because tomorrow,” Alex continued in a softer voice, “you’ll be back on the road, with a crazy boss who’s likely to blow you up, and freaking vampire mafia who want you dead, or some other calamity is bound to topple down on you and screw up your life in ways you never even thought possible. And that’s all before breakfast.”
“I must admit I’ve never met anyone with such an affinity for chaos and disaster as Necrosia.”
“Shoot, it’s constant with her. Just … hell, it’s freaking terrifying is what it is.” Alex laughed, but his eyes displayed no humor. “My freaking life … ”
Hammett nodded his head in understanding, and after a moment’s pause looked directly into Alex’s eyes. “I cannot say what the future holds, Alex, not for any of us, but I can say this with confidence: In all my decades of service not once, not once, has a ward under my protection come to harm. You will reach UEL headquarters safely … all three of you. I swear to you that neither I nor Vega shall ever fail in our duty, though our enemy be the devil himself.” The Cyclops’ words were so assured, so forceful, that they were immediately accepted as fact, carved into stone, set as an unyielding truth in the universe.
“Wow. I … I … thanks. That’s actually … really comforting. I guess it is good to have friends in high places after all.”
“It is indeed.”
Chapter 10- The Plan Unfolds
At precisely 6:00 p.m. Snotwaddle made his grand entrance, Hestia announcing his arrival like royalty entering the court. Sparkling clean and wearing one of his typically ostentatious dinner jackets, he cheerfully shook hands and greeted each of his guests once more, and then sat himself at the head of his long, granite supper table. Unsurprisingly, the dining room was just as overwhelming as the rest of the mansion in its elegance and grandeur. In a corner of the room a woman garbed in a beautiful, sparkling dress played upon a harp nearly six feet tall. The woman possessed four arms, each moving up and down the harp’s strings hypnotically, flooding the hall with a magical, mesmerizing melody. All told, the proceedings took an hour and a half, as Hestia served a total of seven astonishing courses of culinary perfection, each more amazing than the last. Additionally, Snotwaddle insisted on making a lengthy, rambling toast between each and every course (usually about himself), which added a good half hour to the event. In fact, the man’s constant babbling ensured that no conversation could compete with his at the table, and he mentioned repeatedly that the details of his involvement in ‘Serene’s epic journey,’ a thought heavy on the three fugitives’ minds, would be revealed in grand fashion later in the evening.
Following dinner, Snotwaddle led his guests to a sort of reading room. The professor took his place in front of a crackling fireplace, a bright light from the ceiling directed at his pudgy form like a spotlight, while the others found comfortable spots on chairs and sofas positioned about the room.
“It is with great pleasure that I now take this opportunity to reveal the mastery of my plan, the object of my day’s toil.” Snotwaddle produced three silver cylinders from his coat pocket, and held them aloft for his audience to gawk at. “Moments ago I disclosed the secrets of these masterpieces to the honorable Inspector Hammett, and his enthusiasm was most evident … and absolutely warranted. I do smell another Paragon of the Millennium, if I may be so bold.”
“Bloody get on with it already!” Serene jeered from a seat in the back of the room.
“Quite right, the anticipation is almost intolerable, I know. I present to you … safe and secure passage to the UEL headquarters!” Snotwaddle broadened his shoulders and puffed out his chest, looking as though he fully expected his audience to burst into rapturous applause, yet the only sound heard in the room was the pop of the fire. “These are your new identities,” Snotwaddle continued, speaking more slowly, as if to a child.
“We already have forged identities, you senile twit,” Serene moaned. “Exceptionally good ones, which cost me a pretty penny, I might add.”
“Ah, yes … Lady Divine, was it? A change of clothes, dyed hair, forged documentation … the work of amateurs, my dear. Here, in my hands, I hold before you the mystery of a physiological change so complete, so convincing, that your true selves could never be discovered through any security system, any test available to science. Why, your own mothers would see you for strangers.”
“Wait … you’re going to transform us into … someone else?” Alex’s extreme alarm raised his voice.
“I do believe I made that point quite clear, my boy.”
“I’ll be damned if I let you inject one of your concoctions into me!” Serene added.
“Um … for once I’m actually leaning with Serene here,” Alex continued. “No offense, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this. Precisely what kind of change are you talking about?”
“A change perfectly suited so you can blend in with your new traveling companion.”
“Traveling companion?” Serene spilled half her glass of wine from the shock.
“Professor Snotwaddle,” Hammett stood up, raising his voice over the escalating noise, “Serene has not been provided full details of our plan, and I believe it best we keep certain elements in the dark for now. I say this for your own safety,” the Cyclops added with a nod to Serene.
“I don’t like this one bit,” Serene protested, waving Hestia over to refill her glass. “So much cloak and dagger, secrets piled upon deceit … and nobody has the decency to let me in on it!”
“I assure you,” Hammett explained, “the Professor, Vega and I have devoted a great deal of time and effort into devising our plan. We are not running blindly into the dark without a clue. We did, after all, successfully escort you three out of New Brasov, did we not?”
“Well, I’m still extremely incensed over the matter.” Serene downed her glass and motioned for Hestia to refill it once more.
“I’m sorry, I want to go back to this … transformation … serum … injection … thing. The last time I was exposed to something like that,” Alex nodded his head toward his employer, “turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life.”
“Ah, you should have been there,” Serene leaned over to the goddess, speaking in hushed tones of awe. “One of my more brilliant creations. Gave the dear boy god-like powers. Yes, god-like. He could see the original color of objects, regardless of their current color. Astonishing work, I dare say.”
“Not to worry, dear boy,” Snotwaddle replied, “I have tested my formula thoroughly this afternoon. It is perfectly safe, I assure you. Lest you forget, I am the one and only Snotwaddle, am I not?”
“I don’t care what the old man thinks he’s got,” Serene went on to Hestia, “my invention was far better. God-like, I’m telling you.”
“You’ve got three vials of your concoction,” M
oody broke in. “That’s one for myself, little man, and crazy woman, I take it. What about the Cyclops and Mr. Silent? The Cosa Nosferatu have got to be looking for them, too. The good inspector here isn’t the most inconspicuous guy in the world, after all.”
“You have a point, Moody,” Hammett agreed. “Firstly, with any luck we’ll have reached our destination long before the enemy figures out that you’re no longer being held in New Brasov. It is our hope that they shall not be carefully watching our next few destinations, if at all. Secondly, it is widely known that Vega and I do not idly sit about. We have already traveled much in the short time since Necrosia’s surrender. Should we be spotted thousands of miles from New Brasov the enemy is likely to think little of it, so long as they are still fooled by our ruse. Finally, should things turn sour, I need to be sure that Vega and I are not hindered in any way, which a … transformation would surely do.”
“So when are we supposed to take this formula thing?” Alex asked, still unconvinced of its safety.
“You shall need to wait until … the final leg of your journey, when you are … in a public environment,” Snotwaddle answered evasively. “The formula only lasts but a few hours, and I don’t have enough time to make more of the serum before you leave. It’s imperative that you meet your contact in Eville tomorrow, or our entire plan will unravel.”
“Eville? You’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” Alex gasped.
Moody snorted loudly with suspicion.
Serene rose to her feet and yelled, “Home, sweet home!”
Chapter 11- Beyond the Door
As a younger woman, Officer Lee often dreamt of a life serving justice, upholding the law and protecting the citizens of her city. To be sure, throughout her career she had accomplished all of these things on a significant scale. But what her fantasies never included was the damned mountains of paperwork she’d have to wade through day after day, the precious hours wasted as she sat behind her desk and completed form followed by redundant form. The clock on the wall read 1:00 AM. She didn’t even want to calculate how long she’d been at this monotony. Her eyes burned, her head ached and her hand throbbed from signing her name and jotting down insignificant details for hours on end.
The Eville Protection Plan Page 5
