Why was he acting like nothing had changed?
I surveyed the kitchen and determined that Charlie had already left for the day, so as Luke moved through the house, I reached forward to grab his arm.
He stopped in his tracks and turned back to me. “Yes?”
“Can we talk?” I asked, keeping my voice low so as not to wake up Matt.
Luke shrugged. “Sure, what’s up?”
I struggled to find the right words. What would he say?
“Julie?” he asked. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to talk about… what happened… the other night,” I said, nearly in a whisper.
“What happened the other night?”
“You know,” I said. “Before you left?”
He scrunched his brow and shook his head. “I haven’t the slightest clue what you’re talking about—”
“What you said,” I said. “What you told me—”
“What I told you?” he asked. “What did I tell you?”
And as if he didn’t need any further elaboration, a worried look swept across his face.
“Julie,” he said, leaning down to meet my gaze. “What exactly did I say to you?”
I spent the next five minutes reliving our conversation on the porch—from him interrupting my talk with Derek, to the moment when the cab pulled away and he called me a liar for not admitting that I loved him. And the entire time I talked, Luke looked as though he was hearing it for the first time… he looked as though it had never happened.
When he didn’t speak, I took a step forward and forced him to meet my gaze.
“Luke,” I said. “Why didn’t you just tell me how you feel?”
He turned on his heel and stomped out of the house, taking long strides down the steps, and then took off for his run down the sidewalk.
“Luke!” I chased after him. “Luke, you didn’t stretch—”
“It’s one thing to have a stupid crush, Julie,” he called back. “But it’s another thing to try and manipulate me into believing that I actually care about you.”
I finally caught up with him and ran side-by-side. “You’re saying I’m lying?”
“What other possible explanation is there?”
“Gee, I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe that you really do have feelings for me?”
He snorted and turned the corner, picking up his pace and leaving me to fight to keep up.
“Luke,” I said. “I would never lie to you. I’m telling you the truth—”
“And another thing,” he interrupted. “You shouldn’t be hanging out with that Derek guy. I told you I don’t trust him—”
“You never said that,” I said. “You told me to keep my eyes peeled—”
“Well, I’m telling you now,” he said, raising his voice. “Stay away from him.”
“Why?” I asked, taking each stride in step with him. “Because he’s nice to me? Because he talks to me like an equal? Because you feel threatened that maybe he’ll steal my attention away from you?”
“Threatened?” he asked, almost laughing. “God, Julie. Get over yourself.”
As we ran side-by-side for the next two blocks, my side began to ache and my legs were pulsing with cramps. I struggled to keep up with him, and after a second or two, he’d taken a six-foot lead down the sidewalk.
“Luke,” I panted. “Please slow down. I can’t keep up—”
“Not my problem, Little,” he said. “You are not my problem.”
And as if I couldn’t stand another jab from Luke, I stopped in my tracks, picked up a palm-sized rock, and launched it at him, hitting him square in the back.
He stopped running and turned to me with the promise of an evil wrath burning in his eyes. “What the hell is your problem?”
“You!” I yelled. “You know, I’m sorry if you can’t accept the truth, but here it is. I care about you, Luke. And I think you care about me. You told me you had feelings for me, and despite the context, I can’t help but think that… that drunken confession the other night was the most honesty I’ve ever gotten out of you.”
“You need to stop,” he said, pointing a finger at me. “You don’t love me. And you don’t want me to love you, Julie.”
And with that, he turned away and took off running once again.
“Luke!” I yelled as he turned the corner. “Lucas Reibeck! Stop running from me!”
But he was gone.
And I was alone.
Chapter Five
Friday September 21
The next four days dragged on for what felt like an eternity. I hadn’t heard from Luke, and that was a downer considering he’d planned to meet me for a morning run twice again this week (and never showed up).
I’d dropped subtle hints to Uncle Charlie, but he never seemed to pick up on my inquiry. The most he’d said was “Trigger said he’ll have to reschedule your training.”
I’d spent the week feeling like I hadn’t had anyone to turn to. Matt was up to his lips with dedication to Hannah, and they spent every possible moment together. Between school, his part-time job, and Hannah, I’d definitely taken the backburner on Matt’s list of priorities.
“Still feeling under the weather, I see,” Derek said as he walked past the house with the dog leash in hand.
I glanced up from the porch step and smiled, but both of us knew that there was very little truth behind my smile.
“Care to join me?” he asked.
“I’m not really in the mood to talk.”
“You don’t have to say a word,” he said. “We can just walk a few blocks in silence, if that’s what you prefer. I just know it’s nice to have some friendly company from time to time.”
I smirked and nodded, sliding off the step.
“Alright,” he said, letting the dog take the lead as I joined him on the sidewalk.
We walked down the sidewalk, both of us bundled in our jackets as the cool autumn wind picked up and hit us full force with a leaf-filled gust of air.
I shivered under my jacket and looked down at the dog, prancing along the sidewalk as though the chilly weather was the least of his worries.
“What his name?” I asked, meeting Derek’s blue eyes.
“Elvis,” he said, smiling down at the German shepherd. “He was my mom’s.”
We continued to walk for two more blocks without saying another word. True to his word, Derek didn’t speak unless I spoke to him. In some very strange way, the silence brought about a sense of peace, and his company kept my mind from wandering too close to Luke.
“I’m sorry I’m not much of a conversationalist today,” I said, looking down at my feet. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”
“I imagine,” he said. “After your 4 am fight in the middle of the street on Monday, I’ve noticed you’ve been a little down in the dumps.”
I sent him a questionable stare and he shrugged. “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop,” he said. “I was out in the yard with Elvis and I heard some screaming a couple blocks down. When I realized it was you… I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I nodded. “I’ve gotten pretty good at handling myself—”
“Yeah,” he said. “You’ve got quite the arm there. He didn’t stand a chance with that boulder you threw at him.”
I chuckled. “It was tiny rock—”
“Right,” he said, smiling along with me. He shook his head as if amazed by something. “You’re too cute, you know that?”
I closed my eyes and let his compliment sink in. Why couldn’t Luke take one sober minute to say something as sweet as that?
“Honestly, the guy’s an idiot,” he continued, as if he’d read my mind. “I see the way you look at him, and I know he sees it too. I can’t imagine why he’d let you slip through his fingers—”
“It’s complicated,” I said, understanding Luke’s side more than I cared to admit. “There’s an age gap, and I think that scares him… but not near as much as my Uncle Charlie does. I think he’s afraid of how i
t would look—”
“And that’s really the kind of guy you want to be with?” he asked. “Someone who’s so concerned with upholding his reputation that he can’t appreciate what’s right in front of him? And does he always talk to you like that, Julie? Like you’re a child? Like he’s entitled?”
“He is entitled,” I said. “In some respect… he is my boss—”
“He’s your coach,” Derek corrected me. “He’s just signing off on your job shadowing hours. He’s not your superior.”
I shrugged. “You know the crazy thing? I know he has feelings for me, but he refuses to confront those feelings, let alone admit them.”
“Then, I’ll reiterate my earlier statement. He’s an idiot.”
Derek and I continued to walk along, neither of us knowing what else to say.
I appreciated how much he was trying to help, but his opinion was slightly biased. He’d only seen one side of Luke. He didn’t know the honest, soft-spoken, kind-hearted Luke that I’d caught a glimpse of during our hours together.
As we turned the corner of Linden and Main, coming full circle in our walk around the neighborhood, I caught sight of Luke’s patrol car sitting in the driveway, and Luke still sitting behind the wheel.
I tried to keep myself from sprinting toward him, especially out of politeness to Derek, but I picked up my pace as we got closer to the house.
“Go on,” Derek said. “Obviously he has something he wants to say.”
I smiled, said a quick thank you, and sprinted toward the cruiser. Luke was sitting back in the driver’s seat, his eyes staring straight forward, and he didn’t seem to notice for a second that I’d walked up to the window. I tapped on the glass and he jumped from inside, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
He opened the door and let himself out, slamming the door behind him.
“Dammit, Little,” he said. “You nearly gave me heart attack—”
“Rule number one,” I said. “Always be alert.”
A small grin twitched at the corner of his lips.
“What brings you here?” I asked, leaning against the side of his car.
“I’m ready to talk,” he said, watching as Derek and Elvis finally walked by. “Doesn’t it seem a little fishy to you that that guy is always around?”
“He lives next door—”
“Still,” he said, eyeing Derek. He finally looked back at me and nodded up to the porch. “Can we sit?”
“Sure,” I said, taking the lead. I walked up the steps and took a seat on the porch step. Luke settled in next to me, careful not to brush my body or make any unintentional contact. “What’s on your mind?”
“For one,” he said. “I’ve decided not to arrest you for assaulting a police officer—”
“Har-har-har,” I said, reminding myself just how hard I’d probably hit him with that rock. “You deserved it and you know it.”
A smile appeared, but slowly faded away as he looked up.
“You’re a good kid, Julie,” he said. “You’re smart, and funny, and you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”
“Thank you,” I said, not liking his tone. I could hear far too much rejection building in his speech.
“And I understand the feelings that you’re experiencing,” he continued. “We’ve all been there, you know? And especially at your age, it’s only natural—”
“Let me stop you right there,” I said, putting my hand on top of his. “What you’re saying is that… you understand that I have feelings for you, and you can respect how I feel, but you also want me to understand that you don’t reciprocate those feelings. Am I right?”
He nodded. “And when it comes right down to it, I still think you read way too much in to whatever was said the other night—”
“Right,” I said, taking a deep breath.
“I want us to be able to continue our hours together,” he said. “You’ve done so well and I don’t want this argument to interfere with our work.”
I nodded.
“Luke,” I said, pulling my hand back from his. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry you feel that way—”
“It’s okay, kid,” he said, patting his legs and standing up as if he’d sensed some finality in our conversation. “It’s good that we’ve cleared the air.”
“Luke,” I said, still sitting on the step. Maybe he was done, but I wasn’t.
“Yeah?” he turned back.
“Can you do me a favor?”
“I can try—”
“Stop calling me kid,” I said, biting back tears. “And while you’re at it, stop treating me like one.”
Before he had time to respond, I got up and brushed past him, taking the steps down into the yard and over to Derek’s house. I pounded on the door as Luke stood watching me from my porch, and when Derek answered, I threw myself in his arms and sobbed against his shoulder. He pulled me over the threshold, shut the door, and took me in his arms once again.
And then I cried some more.
Chapter Six
Saturday September 22
“Shut up!” I said, pushing Derek off the sidewalk as we walked down Linden. “You did not!’
“Honest to God,” he said. “I pointed my finger in his face and said Don’t mess with me punk, I’m a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.”
I was bent over at the waist, laughing hysterically for the hundredth time that day.
“And then when I turned six, Mom finally sat me down and revealed the cold, hard truth about my true identity—”
“That you weren’t really a crime fighting turtle?”
He nodded as if the childhood memory still haunted him, but the smirk on his face was clue enough that he was only telling these stories to keep my mind free and clear of yesterday’s conversation with Luke.
“Thank you,” I said, wrapping my jacket a little tighter. “But you don’t have to keep fabricating these stories for my benefit—”
“Fabricating? Ha!” he said, striking a karate pose right there on the sidewalk. “My crime fighting toddler years are as real as the ground we walk on, Julie Little.”
I smiled as he dropped his pose and continued to walk along my side.
“So when are you going to let me ask you out again?”
“Derek,” I said, throwing him a sideways glance. “You know I’m not—”
“Right, right,” he said, biting his lip and shrugging. “I thought you’d need more time to recover—”
“I’m okay,” I said. “I’m just still a little shaken by everything. But I’ll be fine. It was just a dumb crush—”
“Maybe,” Derek said. “But maybe not, and while I’m dying to take you out on the town, I don’t want to swoop in too early and mess up this beautiful friendship.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pressed a quick kiss to the side of my head. “All in good time; you just let me know when you’re ready.”
As we continued to walk, his arm never left my body. It eventually moved from my shoulder to my waist, pulling me closer as we walked along the sidewalk in the cool, autumn breeze.
I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder, remembering the day when Luke had taken me by the hand and led me through the woods to an open field. The way his touch burned my hand with a fiery sensation ignited a feeling deep inside of me… one that still coursed through my veins every time I saw his face. And then there was the sincerity in his beautiful brown eyes on Saturday when he softly wiped away the make-up that had stained my face.
And though I struggled to admit it out loud, I missed Luke… even the grumpy, arrogant, stubborn Luke.
Even the Luke who’d called me kid, and continued to treat me like one.
And even the drunken Luke who’d professed his feelings for me.
I didn’t care which Luke I got anymore, because any Luke was better than none.
What I felt for him was unconditional. There was nothing he could say and nothing he could do to change the way my heart ached for him.
And
now, with Derek’s arm around me, and his shoulder beneath my head, all I could do was wish that when I opened my eyes, Luke would be there—and everything I’d experienced in the past twenty-four hours would all just be a dream.
But when I opened my eyes, I was still walking with Derek.
And in that moment, I knew for sure, no one could ever live up to the way I cared for Luke.
Sunday September 23, 9pm
“I’m heading out,” Hannah said to her brother, brushing past me, but not before throwing an evil sneer in my direction.
I sunk into the first cushion on their living room couch as Derek told his sister to be back by curfew, which on a school night, was in exactly one hour.
She rolled her eyes and walked out the door, slamming it hard enough to communicate her dislike for my friendship with Derek.
“Alright,” he said, sitting on the opposite side of the couch and staring at his depressing DVD collection. “It looks like tonight’s flick is either Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters, or… yep. Ghostbusters.” He turned back. “Any suggestions?”
“Oh gee,” I teased. “And here I was hoping you’d have Ghostbusters.”
He smiled for a brief moment before getting up to start the DVD. I tucked my feet up under my legs and sunk a little further in the cushion. He returned to the other side of the couch, keeping a reasonable distance, but throwing me an occasional glance.
Halfway through the flick, Derek suggested a popcorn break, so we paused the DVD to make our mid-movie snack. But before we could retreat to the kitchen, he met my stare and scooted closer on the couch to take my hands.
“Julie,” he said, “there’s something…important that I need to tell you.”
“Okay,” I said, looking at our cupped hands and back to him. “What’s up?”
“But before I do, I want you to know that us moving here to Oakland had nothing to do with you.”
“Obviously,” I said. “You didn’t know me until you moved in—”
“And that’s why we need to have this conversation,” he said. “Because I did know you. But again, I didn’t move here because of you. Coming here was all Hannah’s idea. I didn’t know you were here until after the fact… but she wanted to see you.”
Just a Little Embrace Page 3
