by Di Morrissey
‘How is he?’ Natalie asked before they had even greeted each other.
‘He’s back in the nursery,’ said Dr Rasheed.
Before Dr Rasheed could go on, Mark asked, ‘What did the X-ray show?’
‘Is he going to be all right?’ added Natalie.
The doctor held up his hand. ‘Please, let me explain. As you know, your son has some breathing problems due to his immature lungs, but now there is an added complication . . .’
There was an intake of breath from Mark and Natalie.
‘The lobe of his left lung has collapsed. This will mean he’ll have to have assisted ventilation, which will have to be initiated by the neonatologist.’
‘Oh, no!’ said Natalie.
‘He’ll require specialised treatment, so we’re moving him to the Mater Children’s Hospital in Brisbane,’ said Dr Rasheed.
‘Oh, god,’ said Mark.
‘Can I go with him?’ asked Natalie urgently.
‘The retrieval van is ready to leave for the Mater hospital. You need to sign this permission slip. Mrs Cutler, you are still post partum and we’re a little concerned about your blood pressure so you need at least another night here for observation. As soon as your milk comes in you will be able to express and feed him.’
‘I suppose that I’ll have to travel up to the hospital each day.’
‘Natalie! How’s that going to work?’ said Mark.
‘I can drive,’ said Natalie. ‘That way I can see the children morning and night. You’ll manage through the day.’ She turned to the doctor. ‘What are they going to do up there that they can’t do here? It’s a good sign, isn’t it? That he’s going there? To be fixed?’ she said.
The doctor looked serious as he said, ‘Your baby will be in the best possible hands at the Mater. It’s a long, slow process to get his lung inflated and working properly.’
‘All that matters is that he pulls through this okay,’ said Mark. ‘How long will it take?’
‘Quite a few weeks, a couple of months, perhaps. I can’t make any promises and we have to assume that all will go well and there won’t be any further complications.’
‘I see,’ said Mark. He turned away frowning.
‘But Andrew will be okay?’ asked Natalie, searching the doctor’s calm face for any clues, anything he might be hiding from them.
‘There are always risks with premature babies, Mrs Cutler. Continue to think positively. This procedure has been done successfully many times before. Andrew will be in very experienced hands. I have to go, if you’ll excuse me, but be assured, everything possible is being done for your son.’
The door closed and Natalie and Mark turned to one another.
‘My poor little boy,’ said Natalie, tears filling her eyes.
‘Natalie, how are we going to manage this? You’re not serious about driving up and back morning and night every day? It’s over an hour each way, and you’ve just given birth. I should drive you, and I want to see him too, but Adam and Charlotte . . . what will we do with them?’
‘Mark I have to go. I have to feed him. You’ll have to stay with Adam and Charlotte,’ said Natalie shortly and firmly. ‘There’s no other way. Mum is in no position to help fulltime, she has to keep the shop going. Andrew will be a seven-days-a-week job, and where do we get that sort of longtime childcare for Charlotte and Adam?’
‘Nat, there’s also my work. I can take leave, but I can’t stay away indefinitely. I know,’ he held up his hand quickly, ‘our family comes first, of course it does.’
‘It mightn’t be long, Mark. I just pray for the day we can bring Andrew home.’
‘This is going to be difficult for us.’
‘Yes, but nothing is as important as this baby,’ declared Natalie.
‘Of course,’ said Mark, attempting to look optimistic. But Natalie knew that he was really concerned about how they would juggle their lives with Andrew in hospital in Brisbane for weeks.
When Natalie spoke to Jodie she hoped that sharing her concerns might make them seem less difficult. ‘I just want to focus on the baby right now. Sometimes I have these dreams he’s never coming home, that we’re going to lose him.’ Natalie struggled to control her tears.
‘Oh Nat, that’s so stressful for you,’ said Jodie. ‘How is Mark coping? If he is like my husband, doing the domestics, getting meals and caring for two kids won’t be easy. What if you traded and he went up a day or so a week and took your milk so you could stay home? Not that it’s restful! Maybe I could talk to some of the mothers here and see if someone could drive you up, even one day a week. Give you a break from the driving. Maybe someone could take your milk up so that you could spend the day with your kids and Mark, but I suppose you would want to see Andrew every day.’
‘Yes, I do, but those ideas sound wonderful, Jodie. Mark said that Vicki offered to help, too. And, god bless them, so have Mi Mi and Thi. They’re such lovely people, and I’ve known them for such a short time. I know how little time you have, running the preschool, but you have been wonderful. I don’t know what we would have done without you. I’m worried, too, that Mark won’t get to spend much time with Andrew.’
‘I wouldn’t fret about that,’ said Jodie gently. ‘He’ll bond with him later, don’t worry. Your relationship with Andrew is the most important thing now and I think you need to be with the baby for your own peace of mind.’
‘I know. I’m trying to tell myself that Andrew is in limbo land, that he isn’t aware of what’s going on, like he’s still tucked up in the womb.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ said Jodie. ‘He’ll catch up, never fear.’
When Natalie left the hospital the next day, she felt drained. With the other two children, coming home had been joyful. Mark had carried the flowers and presents and she had carried a beautiful baby in her arms. But this time there was nothing to celebrate. Even the flowers from her mother and Steve had died and her arms were empty.
Nevertheless, Charlotte and Adam were thrilled to have their mother home, and expected life to get back to normal. Strangely, when Charlotte asked Natalie about the baby, she did not seem at all put out to hear that he was not coming home yet. She was absorbed in her own world of princesses and ballerinas. But as soon as Natalie headed out the door to drive to Brisbane for the first time, Charlotte burst into tears.
Natalie realised that she needed to explain to Charlotte about her new brother or this would happen each time she left for Brisbane. ‘I’ll be home tonight, darling. I’m going up to Brisbane to see your new little brother. He’s very tiny and he won’t be allowed to come home until he’s bigger. Daddy’s here to look after you and we can make cupcakes for dessert,’ cajoled Natalie. But Charlotte would not be consoled and as Natalie drove away leaving Mark to sort things out she felt very guilty.
The day didn’t improve when she got a frantic text message from Mark that Adam wouldn’t go down for his nap because he couldn’t find his security rug.
I’ve ripped this house apart, Mark texted.
Natalie gave him a list of places to look but she could sense his frustration when he wrote back, I’ve looked everywhere. He won’t go to sleep, won’t stop crying and calling for his blanky.
Just cuddle him and hope he settles down, she sent back. The specialist is with Andrew now.
Call me when you can.
When she arrived home Natalie could hear Adam crying even before she opened the door.
‘Mummy,’ squealed Charlotte in delight as soon as she saw her. Adam immediately gulped back his tears.
‘How’s Andrew?’
‘They say he’s doing as well as can be expected, whatever that means.’ Natalie’s face crumpled and she collapsed onto the sofa as the children scrambled into her lap.
‘He’s going to be fine, Nat. You look exhausted, do you want a cup of tea?’
Natalie nodded. ‘Did you find Adam’s little blanket?’
‘No. It’s been a nightmare. Can’t you get a duplicate
and hide it? I don’t want to go through this drama again,’ Mark said, hurriedly scooping the dirty dishes into the dishwasher.
‘I’ll look.’ Natalie got up and went into Charlotte’s bedroom and emerged a few minutes later with the blue blanket. Adam rushed to grab it from her.
‘Where was it?’ demanded Mark.
‘In Charlotte’s chest of drawers.’
‘I looked there!’
‘In the back.’
‘How did it get in the back?’
‘He sometimes stuffs his toys there.’
The rest of the evening passed with the distraction of dealing with dinner and settling the two children.
‘There’s a movie on that you might like,’ said Mark as they sat quietly in the lounge room. Natalie looked pale and drawn. This should have been the joyous time of being home with their newborn son, doting on him, discussing who he looked like, and holding him close. Natalie wrapped her arms around herself feeling empty and sad.
She shook her head. ‘You can watch it. Or a game, I don’t care.’
‘I’m going to have a beer,’ said Mark.
‘I’ll have another cup of tea. I’m suddenly so tired,’ said Natalie. ‘I think I’ll have an early night.’
Before she went to bed she sat at the computer to check her emails.
Long-distance friends were being supportive on her Facebook page and there were lovely email messages from Mi Mi and Thi, who said Thomas had offered to come round and help in her garden, if she needed it. It was nice to know that she was not alone and that her friends were concerned for her and baby Andrew.
The next day Jodie called in on her way home from work, glad to find Natalie at home.
‘How’re things? You look tired. Mark, too.’
‘We aren’t sleeping well,’ said Natalie.
‘I can imagine. It’s a lot of stress,’ agreed Jodie.
‘But thank you for all your help,’ said Natalie quickly. ‘Want a coffee?’
‘I just popped in and I don’t want to put you to any trouble. How does Mark like being a full-time at-home dad?’
‘He’s coping okay,’ said Natalie, smiling. ‘It’s hard for all of us right now.’
‘I just wanted to bring you a little present. I saw these and thought they were so cute.’
She handed Natalie a small parcel wrapped in blue tissue with a card. Natalie opened the card and read what Jodie had written: ‘Hi, Andrew, and welcome! We’re looking forward to meeting you and playing together.’ It was signed Jodie, and her children had written their names in crayon. Natalie’s eyes filled with tears as she unwrapped a pair of tiny blue sneakers with stars on their toes.
‘Oh, Jodie. They’re adorable. They’ll swim on him for a long time yet, even though they’re so little. It’s his first present! It’s not like when I had the other two. It’s almost as though people are too afraid to give me anything in case … I know that sounds crazy and I suppose that I can sort of understand it, but it makes me think that they see him as a non-person, just waiting to see what’ll happen. You are so, so sweet. You don’t know what this means to me,’ said Natalie, reaching out to hug her friend.
‘I think I do,’ said Jodie.
Two days later, with her breasts feeling taut and leaking painfully, Natalie drove back to the hospital and went to the unit where Andrew was being monitored. He was still in a humidicrib and hooked up to a drip. He was dressed and wrapped in a cotton blanket. His colour was good and, although his breathing was raspy, it didn’t seem as laboured as it had been, nor did he struggle so much with each intake of breath.
‘How are you my darling little boy?’ She put her hand through the opening and gently caressed him with her fingers.
A nurse came over to Natalie. ‘I’m Karen, I’m in charge of Andrew today.’ She smiled. ‘Would you like to hold him for a minute?’
‘Yes, yes,’ breathed Natalie.
Tenderly Andrew was lifted from the humidicrib and placed in Natalie’s arms for the first time. She stroked his cheek, marvelling at his perfect little features and hands, although initially the lightness and smallness of him shocked her. Then he wiggled, seeming to make himself comfortable, and opened his eyes and looked straight at her. In that moment Natalie felt overwhelming love for her son. Bonding with him was not ever going to be a problem now.
‘My brave boy. What a trip you’ve had. It’s going to be fine.’ She looked at the nurse. ‘My milk is leaking. I’d love to be able to feed him.’
‘He’s not strong enough to suck yet. But we’ll get you to express your milk and he can have it by tube. Maybe, when he’s stronger, you can try breastfeeding. Let’s see how he goes. The doctors are pleased with his progress,’ she said.
For Natalie, holding her son in her arms, nothing else mattered but this moment.
Days passed, and Mark and Natalie had the hospital routine down pat. Mark managed Charlotte and Adam during the day. Natalie knew that he didn’t keep the house in the same clean state as she did, but she didn’t criticise the mess. Some evenings Mark liked to go up to the Mater after Natalie had arrived home. He told Natalie how much he loved his little son and enjoyed holding him, even if just for a few minutes.
Natalie had been going to the Mater hospital for more than two weeks and was taking a morning tea break in the cafeteria. From her bag she pulled out the mail that she’d grabbed from the letterbox and started to go through it. Putting the bills to one side, she eagerly opened the blue envelope from Burma addressed to her in Princess Aye Aye’s elegant handwriting.
Dear Mrs Cutler,
I thank you for your generous and beautiful letter. Thank you for your heartfelt expression of sympathy for the tragic and sad news of the death and hurt inflicted on our people. It is prudent I do not say more in this letter.
As you know, the kammavaca was given to my greataunt, the Princess Tipi Si, for safekeeping and the family has always been dismayed that her circumstances forced her to sell it, although I cannot blame her for that. I am not sure exactly why this particular kammavaca was of such great significance to King Thibaw, but it has always been known in my family that it was important. So I am very pleased by your very generous and kind promise to fulfil the wish of your great-great-uncle and see its safe return to my family. It shows me that you have the same high principles as Andrew Hancock.
Times are not easy in our country, but we all hold the hope that life will one day gives us the freedoms for which we pray at the feet of the Great One.
I send you my deepest thanks and look forward to the day when King Thibaw’s kammavaca returns to Burma. Thank you for your kindness.
With metta and heartfelt thanks,
Aye Aye, former princess of Burma
‘Oh, Uncle Andrew, I do hope you’re proud of me,’ whispered Natalie.
She folded the letter and, feeling calmer and stronger than she had since the birth of Andrew, she finished her tea and returned to the vigil at her baby’s side.
MARK WAS SETTLING INTO a routine. The novelty of being at home with the children all the time had worn off and things had become easier. Each morning Natalie kissed them all goodbye after breakfast and headed out the door to drive to Brisbane in Mark’s old work ute. She was home in the early evening to help Mark cope with lateafternoon tiredness, tantrums over toys and the juggling act of getting the dinner ready, bathtime and bed.
Mark, working in the kitchen, had revised his ideas about its renovation as he saw the more practical aspects of functioning in a space with small children. He realised that cooking utensils needed to be in easy reach, while childproof food storage was important and child-safe cupboards were paramount. He still took Charlotte and Adam to their favourite play centre, although infrequently, as he was now watching every dollar. Natalie’s friends there had taken him under their collective wing and occasionally asked him for his opinion on whatever specific child-rearing issue was being discussed. Often Mark was the one asked to help with a problem stroller or to lift
a child down from the top of the slippery dip when they changed their mind about going down the slide. He listened and sometimes joined in the women’s discussions about local issues, sport and politics. He was pleased when they gave him hints for meals and snacks or recommended suitable children’s books and DVDs.
Being part of this group was a far cry from the onedimensional working world at the mine where conversation was pretty much work-related. Even at mealtimes, Mark had found that not many of his co-workers wanted to sit and chat at length or in depth about other subjects. The easy warmth of Natalie’s friends made him feel both welcome and supported.
‘Has the doctor given you any idea how much longer before we can bring Andrew home?’ Mark asked Natalie one night. ‘I told human resources today I was going to need more time off.’
‘I think a few more weeks. He’s gaining weight slowly. I tried breastfeeding him again today but he’s still not strong enough to suck properly, so they’ll continue tube feeding. The staff said it was going to be a slow process. But he’s hanging in there. There are little improvements every day,’ said Natalie. ‘I know it’s hard, but what can we do?’
‘I haven’t seen him for a couple of days. I’d like to go up sometime today and see his doctors as well,’ said Mark. ‘Vicki offered to help out if we needed her. Maybe she could watch the kids after preschool and you and I could go up together. Or if you want a day off, I can take your milk up.’
‘No, I’ll come with you. I like to feed him myself. So if it’s okay with Vicki to mind the kids, we could go up to see Andrew together.’
Later that day at the hospital, the medical staff told them both that, although Andrew was improving, he was still struggling with some breathing problems. When the doctors left, Natalie and Mark sat quietly, Andrew resting in Mark’s arms. Natalie gently stroked his tiny head. ‘When I hold Andrew now he seems more of a real person. I just feel overwhelmed with love for him. And not just him, Nat, but for you, Charlotte and Adam, too,’ said Mark as Andrew wriggled and gave a little cry.
