by Tay LaRoi
“I’m pretty sure you can guess,” Robbin said, situating the food in the floorboard of the back seat. “If you eat something after the transformation, it will help keep you in control. The other food is for morning when you transform back. You’ll want the carbs, trust me.”
The idea of eating raw meat was revolting to Simone. “Does this mean I’m going to like my steaks bloody now?”
“Only when you’re going to shift.”
The sun was falling low in the sky as Robbin directed Simone through a series of winding, narrow roads. Simone was confused after the third turn or so and actually somewhat grateful for Robbin’s presence; she had an excellent sense of direction.
The cabin was very old-fashioned, and Simone couldn’t help but let out an impressed, “Wow,” when she saw it. It looked like something out of Little House in the Big Woods, a book Simone loved as a child. It was a real log cabin, not a structure with the facade made to look like one. There was a spot for a fire pit about thirty yards from the cabin itself. They were surrounded by tall, beautiful trees, which hid the setting sun and created a shimmering twilight fantasy. Simone forced the fantasy out of her mind, reminding herself why she was there: to become a monster.
“Come on, we’ve got about forty-five minutes.” Robbin went to the mailbox and pulled out an envelope with her name written on it. When she opened it, Simone saw that inside was a receipt for her credit card deposit and a key. She unlocked the door before returning to the car and getting out the grocery bags.
Simone’s anxiety about what was approaching grew rapidly now that she didn’t have driving to distract her. Despite being in a big, open place she felt more claustrophobic than ever. Her stomach began to cramp, her chest constricting until she felt like she couldn’t breathe. No matter how much oxygen her lungs pulled in it seemed none of it was going anywhere. She felt light-headed and wondered for a moment if she might pass out there in front of the cabin.
“We don’t have time for a nervous breakdown,” Robbin told her, putting a hand on Simone’s shoulder and steering her into the cabin.
The inside of the cabin was sparsely furnished: a couch facing a big fireplace, a comfortable looking chair next to the window, a dining room table made of sturdy oak behind them. The chairs sitting around it looked to be hand-carved.
Simone sat down on the couch, body bent over, head between her knees. It helped a little, and she was able to regain some control of herself. Several minutes passed before she finally looked up. Robbin had opened all of the packages of raw meat, placing the pieces in a pile on a blue tarp from her bag.
“You should get naked,” Robbin said nonchalantly, following her own advice and beginning to strip. She looked over her shoulder to see Simone’s stare. “I’m not trying to get in your pants, Simone. You saw me transform last full moon,” she said patiently. “I know how much you spend on clothes; do you want to tear those to shreds?”
The memory of Robbin clawing her clothes off flashed in Simone’s mind. “Fine,” she conceded. “I’m keeping my underwear on, though. I don’t care if I ruin those.”
Robbin shrugged as if to say whatever you want and finished removing her clothes until she was standing there naked. Robbin had never had any embarrassment about being naked, now Simone knew the reason.
Will I reach that point? Simone mused. She doubted it, because her shame of nudity was conditioned in by years and years of religious upbringing. She removed her shirt, folding it neatly and placing it on the back of the couch, doing the same with her pants. Robbin’s clothes, she noticed, were just strewn about the cabin. Another fundamental difference between the two.
Robbin opened the cabin door and stood there, not caring that she was naked. Her eyes were trained on the sky. “Not long, now.” Simone could hear the anxiety in Robbin’s voice. As cool as she was trying to play it, she was nervous, too.
At least Simone wasn’t the only one.
Simone took a step forward, intending to join Robbin at the door but a sudden sharp jolt of pain in the core of her being drew a surprised cry from her. She almost dropped to her knees at the intensity of it.
“Shit. The pains are coming on.” Robbin was on her knees next to Simone, one hand on her shoulder, the other on her arm. “Look at me, Simone. Look at me.” The Command worked, and Simone’s eyes rose to meet Robbin’s. For some reason, through all the pain, the eye contact sent a small spark of desire through Simone. Some things never changed. “I’m going to change now, okay? I can be more help to you if I’m not driven moon crazy by a forced change. I promise you I’m going to be right here with you through it. I promise.”
“Please don’t—” Another stab of pain cut off Simone’s words. Her hand clutched desperately for Robbin’s, holding it tightly, eyes wide. “I’m scared, Robbin.”
“I know. I know you are, but you can do this. The first time is the worst. After this it will be much easier. You can do this.” Robbin cringed as her own pains started to radiate through her body. “I have to change now, Simone.”
Simone reluctantly released Robbin’s hand, instead bracing herself with her hands on the floor. She felt like something was literally trying to tear its way through her body. Robbin tilted Simone’s head up and kissed her gently on the lips before taking several steps back.
Something inside Simone gave a violent twist, and she writhed, falling onto her back and almost screaming in pain. She didn’t see Robbin’s transformation, didn’t hear if Robbin cried out in pain during it. The next thing she knew there was a massive wolf’s head nuzzling at her, a thick tongue on her cheek, an attempt to comfort her.
For a moment, the pain abated and Simone thought that perhaps the worst had passed. She even started to get to her feet when the world exploded in a whirlwind of agony. Simone had never felt pain like that before—there weren’t words for her to express it. It was as if every bone in her body was systematically breaking. She could feel her muscles tearing and reforming. Her hands and feet felt like they had been dipped in hot tar as claws burst forth. Her vision blurred, everything becoming red and hazy. Her face was a mass of burning nerve endings. She actually felt her jaw elongating and reshaping.
Beyond the pain, she realized that her senses of hearing and smell had expanded. She could distinctly smell the meat a few feet away from her. She could hear the soft footfalls of an animal in the trees beyond the cabin, the sound of something burrowing in the earth—a mole, she thought—beneath the cabin.
The pain passed. She opened her eyes. The first thing she noticed was that she could see things more sharply, in more vivid detail, though the colors were washed differently. Now that the pain had faded, she noticed the aching hunger it left behind.
The meat. She pounced on the meat, legs working awkwardly, claws clicking on the wooden floor of the cabin as she slid across it, unaccustomed to moving on all fours. She fell on the meat, savoring its taste, the juices that flooded her mouth as her powerful jaws and sharp teeth ripped through the meat.
When the meat was gone she noticed something that her hunger did not allow her to before. The scent of another. Her hackles rose, her lips drawing back to reveal fangs. A growl reverberated through her entire body.
The second wolf was crouched by the door, watching her, its ears perked up, eyes watchful and wary. There was nothing threatening about her posture, but she blocked Simone from the door, and she needed to get outside—needed it desperately.
Simone lunged forward, making for the door. The other wolf tried to intercept her, and Simone snapped at her. She made it out the door and let out an exuberant howl as she felt the crisp night air in her fur, the soil beneath her paws.
It was freedom, pure and simple, and she craved it.
The trees blurred as she ran, leaping and crashing through the underbrush. She couldn’t remember ever knowing such joy.
The joy was cut off when her instincts warned her of danger. The other wolf was following her. She turned to see it barreling toward her, unbelie
vably fast. She growled low and pivoted around, pouncing on the larger wolf. The impact of their bodies was loud, shaking the nearby trees as they struck the ground, rolling together, growling and snapping. Simone tried to bite at the exposed neck of the wolf beneath her but her snout was batted away by a powerful paw. She didn’t relent, though, maneuvering her body to get the more advantageous position.
Simone! The word was the slightest of echoes in Simone’s mind, and she ignored it easily. She used her superior position to pin the wolf beneath her on its back, exposing its belly and throat.
Simone!
She leaned forward, jaw opened wide, ready to claim her victory with her teeth like she should. She could feel the fur of the wolf against her tongue, the warmth of the flesh against her teeth. When she started to bite down the sharp tang of blood was almost like a drug.
Simone, stop!
The Command tore through her wolf mind and every muscle froze. No matter how much she wanted to, she could not get her jaws to do as she expected and bite down. She stared angrily down into those eyes…those familiar eyes.
Jesus fucking Christ.
She shifted her body, whimpering in shame, allowing Robbin up. She’d almost killed her. She’d almost killed Robbin. It would have been so easy to do, to tear into the flesh of her throat. Only Robbin’s alpha Command stopped her.
Are you okay?
Now that she was in her right mind again, Simone could recognize the mental voice as Robbin’s. It didn’t have a sound, but it bore a flavor to it nonetheless that identified it clearly.
Simone shook her head, backing away from Robbin, unable to meet her eyes.
Simone, it happens, okay. I need you to talk to me. Don’t lose yourself to the animal instincts. You might have the animal within you, but it’s not your master; you’re its master. Robbin’s voice was calm and gentle, like someone coaxing a child into doing something it is afraid of. Talking is easy. Just think hard about what you want to say and who you want to say it to. I’ll hear it.
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Simone kept repeating the thought in her head, over and over again. Robbin drew closer, using her snout to force Simone’s head up and nestling her own head beneath it, the best approximation of a hug she could manage in shifted form.
You have nothing to be sorry about. You did great. I told you, the pain can make you forget things. It can make you forget that you’re not a wolf. What’s important is how quickly you took control. My first full moon I ran around all night, never realized I wasn’t an actual wolf until I woke up naked the next day.
The thought was accompanied by an image of a naked and confused young Robbin, and Simone instinctively sent an image of her human form laughing.
Have you got it all together now?
Simone nodded. Robbin gently batted her with her paw, her message clear: speak.
I think so.
Robbin smiled as best as a wolf could. Good. There’s some things I want to show you.
The two spent the rest of the night running through the trees, playing and wrestling, trying to catch deer or rabbits or any other animals they came across, intentionally letting them get away. Neither was hungry, they were just sporting.
Throughout the night Robbin sent Simone images of what it meant to be pack—something that words could never describe but emotions and thoughts could. Belonging. Family. Trust. Acceptance. Love. Forever.
Simone wasn’t sure how, but she could sense the approach of morning. Tired and happy, she made her way back to the cabin, walking side by side with Robbin. She had never felt more connected to the other woman, more in sync than she did that night. There was no wondering how each other was really feeling; emotions and thoughts couldn’t lie easily. What she felt, Robbin knew, and vice versa.
Once inside the cabin, Simone lay down on the wooden floor between the couch and the fireplace, happy and tired from the night’s activities. Is it always like this? she asked Robbin, who curled up beside her, resting her head atop Simone’s.
Don’t get me wrong, there are definite downsides to this, Robbin replied. But usually, I think it’s worth it.
Simone couldn’t help but think the same.
Five
The shafts of bright sunlight warming her face drew Simone from her exhausted sleep. She closed her eyes tightly, lifting her arm to shield her eyes from the light. There was a heavy weight on her chest that let out a little grunt when she attempted to shift it off.
Simone’s eyes opened; she was now fully awake and fully aware of her nakedness. She craned her neck to see Robbin, equally naked, asleep beside her, her head on Simone’s chest. It felt utterly surreal, with the memories of the night before swimming in Simone’s vision. Robbin’s presence had been an utter comfort as she guided Simone through the experience. Something that seemed so frightening before now seemed almost magical. She was certain that if she’d gone through it alone, she would not have had a positive experience.
“I figured you’d sleep till noon after your first transformation,” Robbin said sleepily, stirring and sitting up.
“How do you know what time it is? You don’t have a watch.”
“I can read the sun,” replied Robbin cheekily. “If you don’t believe me, check your phone.”
Simone shrugged. “I believe you. Well, I don’t, but I don’t feel like moving.” She glanced at Robbin, now propping her head up with her hand, looking at her questioningly. A small tilt of the head exposed her throat to Simone, who could see teeth marks there.
Her teeth marks.
“Oh my god.” She sat up quickly, startling Robbin. She took Robbin’s chin and tilted it back, examining the injury closely. “I nearly killed you!”
“I’m fine,” Robbin said dismissively, as if it wasn’t a big deal that Simone very nearly ripped her throat out, literally. Robbin saw Simone’s doubt in her eyes, along with the mental self-flagellation she was sure to inflict. “Really, I’m fine. Injuries heal fast in wolf form. By evening, there won’t even be a mark. Just one of the weird but good facts of being a werewolf. Look.”
Robbin gently took Simone’s right hand and turned it over, exposing the part of her arm where yesterday there had been a pretty nasty bite wound. Today there was nothing more than slightly discolored skin where the bite had been.
“It’s gone,” Simone remarked dumbly.
“Like I said, we heal fast.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that I nearly killed you,” Simone insisted, disgusted with herself.
“Animal instincts.” Robbin was not at all bothered by the fact that she’d nearly died. “I knew I could stop you if I wanted to. I wasn’t in any danger.” She grinned ruefully. “I didn’t think you’d get the best of me in that tussle, though.”
Simone chuckled. “I assumed you let me win.”
“We’ll go with that then.” Their eyes met and then they laughed, deep, hearty belly laughs, the kind that seemed to heal the soul. As the laughter died down their eyes remained locked.
Impulse drove something that, just the previous night, she never would have imagined saying to Robbin at that moment. “Thank you.”
Judging by her face, Robbin wasn’t expecting it any more than Simone. “Huh? For what? For cursing you to live the rest of your life like this?”
“For guiding me through it. You didn’t have to track me down and help me, not after how I ran away.”
Robbin sat up, drawing her knees in against her chest. “Yes, I did. Even if you rejected me, I couldn’t allow you to go through this alone. I kept imagining how scared and afraid you must be. I couldn’t handle it.”
“I was scared,” Simone confessed. “I was scared and alone, and I didn’t think I could ever trust you again—” Robbin started to interrupt but Simone raised a hand to quiet her. “But then you tracked me down, and last night you helped me more than you might ever know. All I could think about was the horror of what happened, and how my life was over. Last night, though, you showed me th
at my life isn’t over at all—it can get better, actually. Thanks to you, there’s a whole new world open to me, and it’s actually quite beautiful.”
Robbin’s voice was hoarse with pent up emotion. “Does this mean you’re coming home?” Simone nodded. She wasn’t sure when she’d made the decision, but it was one she was happy with. Robbin let out a long breath. “Thank god. Okay, I’ll stay away from you, if that’s what you want.”
Simone burst into a second round of laughter, reaching out and stroking Robbin’s cheek. “Last night we were closer than we’ve ever been, and it made me realize that I have to have you in my life. I went a miserable month without you; I don’t think I can go another day that way. I don’t want to.”
Robbin had never looked so happy to Simone. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks, and she pulled Simone in close to her, squeezing her tightly, not wanting to ever let her go again.
As they hugged Simone’s brain registered just how close they were, and just how naked they were. “The mind reading thing we had going on last night, is that something that only happens in wolf form?”
“It’s not mind reading. We can’t hear any thoughts unless you send them out. No one will be in your head. And yes, it’s only in wolf form.”
“That’s good.” Simone was relieved to know that no one would be in her head. The idea was kind of intimidating. Not to mention potentially embarrassing.
“You know,” Robbin said, mischief in her voice, “I don’t need to read your mind to know what you’re thinking about right now. Your body talks way more openly than your mind does.” Simone blushed, and she knew that every inch of her dark skin showed it off. She was not ashamed, though; it’d been a month, damn it, what did she expect? “We are in a nice cabin in the middle of nowhere. And we are already naked…”
Simone grinned and kissed Robbin deeply. She felt better than she had in a long time, probably years. Her experience the night before, being so connected to Robbin, showed her exactly what it was Robbin felt for her, and she could not hide the way she felt in return. For better or worse, her life had become what it was. Simone had a feeling, though, that everything had been for the better, and she was about to undergo an incredible new adventure with the love of her life.
