While cleaning up a few days ago, Jordan had stumbled upon a scrapbook she had made memorializing their relationship.As soon as she turned to the first page, she paused. She wasn’t sure if she was emotionally ready to take that ride down memory lane, but she did. She wanted, just for a moment, to pretend that things were still good, but by the time she got midway through the book, her face was drenched in tears. The smiles and laughs on their faces cut her deep inside her heart. And in every picture, when she looked into his eyes, all she could see and feel was deceit. Before she could finish looking through the book, she was filled with so much anger she had to close it. She went to the bathroom, wiped up her tears, and quickly threw her armor back on. She was upset with herself for even shedding another tear over that piece of feces, as she referred to him lately.
That was then. Today, Jordan was spending the day with herself and her masseuse. She had booked a spa day at Bliss, and she was looking forward to it something awful. She wished she had done this a month prior. Maybe she could have cleared her mind and handled her breakup with Jayon a lot better. Jordandidn’t like to admit that she was heartbroken, she didn’t want to give him that much credit, but she couldn’t convince herself enough to make that pain go away. She was hoping, though, that a long day of pampering would help her.
By the time she got to the salon, there were already two people waiting in the lobby. Jordan was ten minutes early for her appointment, so she refused to wait any longer than her appointment start time. She didn’t have the patience for any extra stress; she was there to relieve all the stress she came with. The lady sitting behind the counter could barely be seen, as she was being blocked by a bonsai plant on the counter. Jordan walked up to the counter to get her attention.
“Jordan. I have an eleven o’clock appointment,” she said to the Asian lady behind the counter.
“OK, take a seat. Someone will be right with you,” the lady replied.
Jordan looked at her watch as though to let the lady know that she was on top of the time before she stepped away. She sat on the blue plush couch directly across from the receptionistarea to prevent her from being out of sight and out of mind. She’d heard about Bliss, and she knew it was popular and the appointments were hard to get. She wasn’t trying to have to wait until after these two other women were done with their services. She was on time and wasn’t waiting. She made sure she looked at her watch when the woman sitting beside her looked at her as if to also let her know that time was of the essence.
Jordan got distracted by her trivial concern when her BlackBerry vibrated in her purse. She was dressed in a brown Juicy Couture sweatsuit, so she was carrying her pink and brown Juicy tote bag, which had a cell phone compartment. Without looking, Jordan reached into the purse and pulled out her phone. On the screen was an e-mail from Jayon. She couldn’t believe it. As soon as she was on to something else, here he was. It was like he knew when she wasn’t thinking about him, and he had to remind her that he was still out there.
“Hey Jordan, I was thinking about you. I really wish we could talk. It’s a shame two old best friends can’t even have a cordial conversation. I’d love to talk to you, call me. Jay.”
Jordan sat there staring at the phone, reading the e-mail multiple times as if she was looking for some cryptic message. She was surprised that Jayon still bothered to reach out to her; she thought he would have given up by now. He wasn’t the type to show emotions, and he definitely wasn’t big on showingweakness. Jordan was flattered in a small way that he cared so much that he hadn’t given up on her. It made her feel like maybe he did truly love her all that time, that maybe everythinghe said wasn’t a lie.
A short African American woman came from the back and stood in the entryway. She smiled at Jordan and reached her hand out.
“Hi, I’m Zakiya. I will be giving you your massage today.”
“Thanks, I’m Jordan,” she replied as she shook the lady’s hand.
They walked toward the back of the spa, and Jordan looked around at all the soothing pictures on the wall and tried to let the sounds of the waterfalls begin to relax her. There were variousspa products on all the shelves in the hallway, and Jordan was already expecting them to try to make her buy some. She had already made up her mind that she wasn’t going to get talked into buying any products that she didn’t need. She was trying to curtail her impulse shopping, especially since the other day one of her credit cards was declined when she thought she had the available credit. Jordan told herself when she left her other credit cards at home that she was there to get some pamperingand relax, not to shop. She knew that although she was there to clear her mind, most of her massage was going to be spent thinking of what Jayon had said to her now that he’d suddenly reached out. Damn him, why couldn’t he have sent that earlier in the week or later today. He just had to send it right at that very moment, when the last thing she wanted to think more about was him.
Jordan was undressed and lying on the table with her face in the open ring. There was warmth in the room that relaxed Jordan the instant she stepped inside. She knew once she was cuddled in her plush white robe that she’d made the right decision.Zakiya began rubbing her back and working out the kinks that she was masterfully finding. Before long, Jordan was thinking through her life, and of course the situation with Jayon and how it caused so much grief and so many changes. Jordan was tired—physically, mentally and emotionally. The past month and change had been such an emotional roller coaster that she felt like she had been through four years of letdownsall in one glimpse.
Maybe she was being unrealistic to think that she could just move on that easily. Maybe she was lying to herself all this time that she was so strong and didn’t need any man. At the end of the day, everybody needs somebody, and Jordan was no different. She had been head over heels in love, and it was easierto shelter herself than admit that she was still just as vulnerableas she was from the start. She didn’t even consider admitting to anyone that she actually considered forgiving Jayon. Most of her pain stemmed from him putting her in a position where she couldn’t just forgive him and move on. Thing was, deep down, more than anything Jordan wanted her life back the way it was, back when she woke up with a smile on her face becauseshe was in love with her best friend. She knew it was weak to still have feelings for a man who had betrayed her so much, and she knew that was the reason that she couldn’t face her feelings, because her feelings were all wrong.
41
The crazy thing was that Jordan’s every reason for never being the loose party girl growing up was all coming full circle now that she was a grown woman. She never wanted to be that chick that guys talked about what they did with her, and she never wanted someone she cared about to hear through the grapevine about any dirt that she did. She never really expectedany of those things to really be a possibility at her age. Dealing with Gerome and Darren was one thing, but this was a whole different story.
Jordan had just gotten home and decided to check her voice mail on her cell phone. The third message was from Jayon, and she didn’t even know that he called. The message said, “Word. You out there wildin’ like that? You slept with my boys Darren and Shakai. What, you the jump-off now? Not a good look, J, not a good look at all.”
Jordan wanted to throw her cell phone at the wall she was so mad. What the hell part of the game was this? Jayon could sneak around for months and she didn’t find out, she gets hers for a couple of weeks and her ex finds out just like that? Besides,who was he to say it wasn’t a good look? He had no say whatsoever. She wanted to call him and curse him out for even leaving that message, but she knew she wasn’t able to change the focus that easily. At first Jordan was happy he knew. The spite in her wanted him to know that he no longer had her heart. But deep down, she didn’t want him to find out that much, not to where she was looking like a jump-off.
Jordan was still sitting on her couch in her nightshirt, thinkingabout it, when her phone rang. She looked down and it was Jayon. She looked at th
e phone while it rang two times in her hand. Jordan thought about how he called her a jump-off and, instantly upset, she considered not answering. At the same time, she figured that there was a chance that hearing his boys talk about her that way may not have been too fun. For secondsshe had debated with herself about answering the phone, and by the fourth ring, she went ahead and answered.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Hello, Jordan,” he said.
He seemed surprised that she actually answered.
“What, Jayon?” she said.
“You have an attitude, Jordan? I should be the one with the attitude,” he said, sounding pissed off.
The nerve of him, Jordan thought to herself. Did he forget they weren’t together?
“You? Really? Jayon, I wasn’t even going to answer your damn phone call. I don’t owe you shit. We are not together.”
“So that means you go around fucking everybody I know?”
“Jayon, don’t flatter yourself. Shakai and Darren had nothingto do with you. I didn’t know they knew you, and I would’ve never been with them if I had known that.”
Jayon didn’t seem to expect that answer. It’s like he really thought Jordan went around interviewing people to see if they knew him before she got with them.
Jordan wanted to ask him how he knew them, but she didn’t want to show her concern or any weakness.
“I don’t have to answer to you, Jayon,” Jordan said.
“J, for real. This isn’t you.What are you doing?”
Jordan didn’t know what to say to that at first.
“You are not only embarrassing me, you’re embarrassing yourself. Shakai and Darren know each other too; that’s how it got back to me. This shit ain’t cute, not in the least bit,” Jayon’s voice went from concerned to pissed off again.
“Thanks for your concern, but I’m a grown woman. I know how to handle myself.”
“Do you? Did you when you woke up hung over with Shakai in your bed and had to ask him if y’all used protection?”
Shit! What did this boy tell him? Everything? Guys talk worse than girls.
“Jayon, I have to go.”
“What, you got someone else waiting on you in the bed?”
Jordan slammed the phone down. What the hell was she supposed to say to that? She didn’t even know why she answeredthe phone. When Jayon and Jordan were together, he had this exasperating way of trying to ignore away a problem. Whenever she wanted to talk about an issue that was botheringher, he would rather not respond or discuss it. It drove Jordancrazy, but after years of knowing him, whenever he felt like shutting down, he would without giving any courtesy to how she was feeling. It was one of the issues in their relationshipthat Jordan wondered if she could tolerate forever. Now she was using his own trick. She had no desire to talk to him about this matter, and so she wasn’t.
She could feel herself fuming on the inside. How dare he talk to her that way? She wanted to just give him a full-blown, raw cursing out, but she knew that in reality she was looking like a whore. She had been around long enough to imagine how the guys’ conversation went, and Jayon was probably too embarrassed to jump to her defense. He damn sure wasn’t going to admit that she was his girl just a couple of months ago. What man wants to admit that the female he once called his wifey was known as a jump-off, especially at their age. Jordan’smind ran through all the variations of how the conversationcould’ve gone. She tried to remember every detail of what she did with them before, during, and after. She really tried to imagine what Jayon would have thought if he was right there watching. She had to assume that he had a clear picture in his imagination anyway.
What was she to do at this point but try not to let it beat her down? Reality was that there was no way to turn back the hands of time. She did have careless sex with two men that meant absolutely nothing to her, and she was now facing the consequences. She was tired of crying, tired of beating herself up; she just had to handle the news accordingly. She would no longer be accepting Shakai’s calls, and Darren she would handleprofessionally and inform him that she would work on his case but assign him a new attorney to correspond with it. If Darren wasn’t willing to do that, then he could hire someone else. She knew that she shouldn’t mix business with personal, but this was too close to home, and she had to put it behind her as soon as possible.
42
It was like old times. Jordan, Dakota, and Chrasey were sprawled out on Jordan’s couches having a good old time. For the first time in a long time, their topic of conversation wasn’t Jordan.Jordan was feeling much better. Ever since her spa day, when she came to terms with the root of the problem, she had been handling her feelings better.
“I actually really like The Tyra Banks Show,” said Jordan.
“Me too. I TiVo it every day,” Chrasey replied.
“Please, she is trying to be like Oprah. I can’t stand the way she tries to pretend she is so righteous,” Dakota replied.
“Well, who better to aspire to be than Oprah?” Jordan said.
“True, and she doesn’t pretend to be righteous. She is actuallyvery honest about how human she is,” Chrasey added.
“Exactly. I wasn’t always a Tyra fan, but her show really made me gain a newfound respect for her as a positive black woman,” Jordan said.
“Yeah, well, I turn the channel when she is on,” Dakota said.
“That’s because she condemns floozies like you,” Chrasey joked.
“Well, then Jordan must not like her, either,” Dakota stabbed.
Instantly, Jordan rolled her eyes at the comment. Jordan wasn’t really up for any jokes about her escapades. She was honest with herself and decided to put it behind her the best she could. She admitted to herself that what had been eating at her so much was not how much she hated Jayon but how much she loved him. She reminded herself who she was, and she told herself that it wasn’t too late to bounce back. She fell off track, she did some unthinkable things, but she was woman enough to face that and move on. For years, her friends teased her that when she was older she would regret not having had more fun and more sexual experiences. Some of those same friends would tell her that her recent actions were just her releasingher inner desires from years past. Jordan thought about that, and she didn’t agree with that theory. She was hurt and was looking for someone to heal the pain, any male attention to make her feel adequate. In reality, Jordan had to realize on her own that she was adequate, and no man could fill the void that she had inside of her.
“Don’t get all sensitive on me,” Dakota said. “I was just playing.”
“I know. I didn’t really want to talk about it, but all those risky decisions bit me in the butt big-time, and I’m finally ready to go back to the Jordan Moore that I was,” Jordan said.
“What happened?” Chrasey asked.
As if Jordan hadn’t been feuding with herself internally on a consistent basis, the phone call from Jayon and the things he said hit home for Jordan even more. She felt so low at that point that she knew it was time to put an end to all her spontaneity.She was tired of living the life of someone else; she wasn’t comfortable with the way she was being perceived. Casualsex isn’t for everybody, and going from three sex partners to seven was emotionally draining. She actually regretted havingsex with every last one of them, including Marcus, even though she liked him. None of them were worth her self-worth.
“Jayon knew two of the guys I slept with, and they knew each other as well, and he called me and made me feel like trash,” Jordan said.
“You spoke to Jayon?” Dakota asked in shock, as if she paid no mind to the more important part of that anecdote.
“Yes, I did. On the phone.”
“Was he mad?” Chrasey said.
“I guess so, but he seemed more so disappointed.”
“Damn, how did he find out?” Dakota asked.
“Guy talk, apparently. Out at a bar talking to one of the guys, and they called up the other one to tell him, and it turned out
it was the same girl, “Jordan replied.
“You the chick R. Kelly was talking about in that song?” Dakota joked.
Jordan shot her a look as if to say this is not the time for comedy.
“That is so crazy. Talk about a small world,” Chrasey said, trying to break the tension.
“Tell me about it. As big as New York is, two guys I deal with in the course of a month know each other and my ex. It just felt like a sign if I’ve ever got one,” Jordan said.
“Yeah, that’s definitely a telltale sign,” Dakota said.
“I was already feeling like it was time to slow down once I left the spa. I did some soul searching, and I felt better about moving forward, and then two days later, I got the call from Jayon. It was like the nail in the coffin for me,” Jordan said.
“So what’s that mean? You’re going to be celibate?” Dakota asked with her face turned up.
Jordan took the pillow beside her and tossed it at Dakota’s head.
“You make me sick,” Jordan said as she laughed at Dakota’s yucky facial expression.
“What? I’m saying, I don’t want to deal with horny Jordan,”Dakota said, laughing.
“Well, I’m not going to have any more meaningless sex. I may still deal with Marcus. He and I have been more than just sex. I kind of like him.”
“Yeah, I can’t wait to meet this Mr. Marcus,” Chrasey said.
“Every time we are over, he won’t come by,” Dakota said.
“I asked both times, but I don’t want to push it. He says that he is busy, and I’m not his woman like that, so I’m not going to push it,” Jordan said.
Playthang Page 21
